写在一年之后 A Year Later

你好，是我，Raymond！

时隔一年了，大家都好吗？槟城大部分时间都是艳阳天，因为我们在热带地区，所以也经常下雨和雷暴。当我开始写这篇文字时，上海正在经历台风和新的一波疫情管制，希望每个人都平安健康。

我记得去年的这个时候，中国在疫情受控后全面复苏，我们在 6 月份成功举办了规模较小的上海骄傲节。如果在常规的一年里，组织团队会暂时解散，志愿者们回到各自的日常生活中。但由于疫情原因，去年的团队在骄傲周后有机会一起旅游团建。之后，我们还举办了激动人心的志愿者答谢聚会，也为这一年的社群和努力而庆祝。

多年来，在每一届上海骄傲节期间，许多志愿者都收获了新的友谊和联系。有的会在来年再见，有些会离开这座城市，有些则会在一段时间后回归。当然，这些年来，我也建立了许多社群联系，结交了很多好朋友。骄傲节就以这种方式在我们志愿者的生活中存在，这让我惊叹不已。对于一个12年（现在仍然是）的志愿者来说，直到今天，骄傲节依然占据我的一大部分。

2020 年，我们遇到了人生中最大的挑战之一。上海骄傲节已经发展到一定的规模，可能太显眼了，或许开始真正产生影响，从而引起更多关注。正因这种（额外的）关注，我们不得不做出艰难的决定，让中国大陆持续时间最长的骄傲节在 8 月中旬宣布停止运作。对于我们和社群来说，这是一个令人心碎的决定；对于在不同领域（心理健康、家庭支持、研究等）努力以支持社群的组织来说，这是一个挫折。上海骄傲节的独特之处在于，它以多元和共融将所有不同领域和组织联系起来，因为这就是它的意义——我们都是多元化的，我们都能共融。

也因上述原因，我被迫离开上海。在上海读完大学并工作和生活了10多年之后，我只能离开。在这段时间里，我的骄傲节的小伙伴们、合作伙伴、亲人、朋友和同事们都给予了最大的支持。但说实话，我依然难以置信自己的遭遇和活在否定之中。起初，我告诉自己，这只是暂时的，可以回到老家与家人共度时光是幸福，这也是一个很好的休息时间。但事实上，情况后来变得更糟。身边熟悉的人都知道我是一个积极、充满活力和理性的人，但这次显然不是。那些我建立和珍惜的一切都在逐渐消失，而我又只能选择接受。这对我来说尤其困难，我不得不填补空白和按下重启按钮。最终，这样的处境导致了相当严重的创伤，我只好寻求帮助。

有趣的是，在过去的 10 年里，我一直在上海骄傲节庆祝我的生日（因为它总是在骄傲周），所以今年，我让队友Charlene在 RNBW 派对上大呼我的名字。是的，老队友们都哭了。如果不是因为我爱的人、朋友和同事们，及我选择的家人，我不可能熬得过这一年。在我即将离开上海的那段日子，许多人一直到最后都在提供支持和帮助，至今依然经常联系。尽管我不在上海，但我仍然活跃参与 LGBTQ 社群的工作。

一切依然有希望！尽管上海骄傲节目前已没有实际活动，但我们很高兴看到今年有更多的草根社群组织和企业举办骄傲月庆祝活动、发起讨论、组织体育和文化活动并拥抱职场多元和共融，而这些活动（可能）受到骄傲节的启发。我们很骄傲地看到我们点起的星星之火，能让更多人接过火炬，填补空隙。

感谢所有还在我身边的人，你给了我可以依靠的力量和肩膀。感谢那些离开的人，你们给了我成长和治愈的空间。

多多保重，希望很快能见到大家！

爱你们，

Raymond

Hello, it’s me, Raymond!

It has been a year! How is everyone doing? Penang has been sunny most of the time, with rain and thunderstorms being quite regular as we are in the tropical area. When I started to write this, Shanghai was experiencing typhoon and a new round of pandemic control, I really hope everyone is safe and doing well. 

I remember this time around last year, China was going back into full action after the pandemic and we managed to pull off a smaller scale of ShanghaiPRIDE in June. On a regular year, the organizing team will then dissolve and everyone would get back to our daily lives, but due to the pandemic, the team had the opportunity to have a retreat together after putting up a great Pride week despite the given circumstances. The volunteer appreciation gathering was emotional and also a celebration of togetherness.

Over the years, during every edition of Pride, many volunteers formed new friendships and relationships, we would see some of them again the following year, some would leave the city for good, and some would come back after some time away. I certainly made many connections through the years. It never stops to amaze me how ShanghaiPRIDE stayed on in our lives throughout these years. For a volunteer of 12 years (and still am), it has been a big chunk of my life until today.

In 2020, we encountered one of the biggest challenges in our lives. Pride has grown to a scale that was probably being too visible, probably making an impact, and thus catching too much (unwanted) attention. Due to this (emphasis on unwanted) attention, we had to make a painful decision to put the longest-running Pride in this region to a stop in mid-August. It was a heart-breaking decision for us and to the community. It has been a setback for many organisations that are working in different areas to support the community (mental health, family support, research, etc.). Pride was unique in the way that it bridged all these different areas and organisations in the name of diversity and inclusion, because that is what it meant – we are all diverse and we should all be inclusive. 

Again, due to the above mentioned reason, I was forced to leave Shanghai. After having gone through my university years, working and living in Shanghai for more than 10 years, I was not welcome anymore. My Pride team, partners, loved ones, friends, and colleagues were very supportive during this time, but to be honest, I was in disbelief and denial. Initially, I told myself that it would be temporary, it could be a good break for me to be back home and spend time with family, but the situation worsened. Everyone knew me for being a positive, energetic, and rational person, but not this time. It was particularly difficult for me when I have to admit that everything that I’ve helped build and treasured is drifting away, and I have to replace the void or push the restart button. Eventually, it led to trauma and I had to seek help. 

Fun fact – for the past 10 years, I have celebrated my birthday during Pride week (because it always was on Pride week), so I made Charlene give me a shout out at this year’s RNBW Party. Yes, of course the team cried. I couldn’t have made it through the painful year had it not been for those whom I love - friends and colleagues, my chosen family. Many provided support and helped me through until the day I left Shanghai and checked on me occasionally until today. I’m still very much involved in the LGBTQ community work despite not being physically in Shanghai.

All is not lost! Although there are no initiatives under the ShanghaiPRIDE banner, we are very excited to see that this year, we have more grassroots communities and businesses creating celebrations, starting conversations, organizing sports and cultural events, and embracing workplace inclusion, all (hopefully) inspired by ShanghaiPRIDE. We are proud to see the momentum we have created and that more can fill in the gap.

Thank you to all of you who are still with me. You have given me strength and shoulders to rely on. Thank you to those who have left as well, you have given me space to grow and heal.

Keep safe.  Hope to see you soon!

Love,

Raymond