The tackiest Halloween costumes on Taobao

Just because you can wear 'em, doesn't mean you should

It's Halloween, the one time of the year where we abandon all thoughts of what's appropriate and celebrate all that's scary, sinister and just plain ridiculous. Despite quite a few of these numbers committing crimes against all that's decent and tasteful, a bunch of these are also a bit of a laugh. And if you can't look like a total knob during Halloween (see Exhibit B: Bananas), then when can you?

'Halloween' Mary Jesus Costumes

Christmas and Halloween collide in these festively-confused get ups. If you're used to people seeing you and shouting 'JESUS CHRIST', then hey, feel free to go with it.

Bananas

There are plenty of phallic jokes we can make about bananas, but it turns out there's no need for innuendos or subtle humour when you're letting it all hang out in these babies. For all the taken gents out there, remind your partner exactly why they're with you, or for single lads, consider it an advertisement of what sort of heat you're packing. And for even extra versatility (talk about bang for your buck), you can even let all the ladies or men out there know if you're circumcised by wearing your banana peeled or unpeeled.

Pumpkin

While we're still in the produce section, check out this jack 'o lantern/pumpkin number. This is not a costume for an adult woman, unless your love for pumpkin-spice lattes has turned into a bit of a fetish. Considering that the description for this autumnal abomination states that it’s for 'pumpkin role play', we fear that we might be right. Between this and the banana costume, you might be in for some kinky grocery-based role play. 

I'm a bat, man

If in some alternate universe Bruce Wayne lost his parents' fortune and wandered into a furry party, then this is the costume we imagine the caped crusader would come up with. You're unlikely to be mistaken for a billionaire player-turned vigilante, but at least your head will be warm.

The doge

The quintessential Halloween costume for millennials, this costume's for anyone who's ever had the dream of being a walking meme. This one's actually from Tmall, but look how versatile it is! Wear it under a tree, wear it on a bike, wear it for the laziest bank robbery ever. So amaze. Very doge. Much scare. Wow.

Big baby

Recently come to the horrific realization that you're actually an adult but still don't have your sh** together? Spend your days spontaneously bursting into tears and still don't really know how to properly feed yourself? Then this is the costume for you! Never grow up in this adult baby costume and remind everyone of your real maturity level while throwing grown-up tantrums on the floor. We guarantee you people are going to love it, almost as much as they love the sound of real babies crying.

Inflatable unicorn costume

Frankly, we actually don't have any jokes. This costume, like a real unicorn, is majestic, magical and capable of fulfilling all of your wildest dreams. It might not be able to prevent you from having a raging hangover the next day, but you'll still look cute as a button the night before. No bronies, please.

Qing imperial minister ghost

Pretend to be an ancient imperial minister risen from the grave after President Xi's remarks at the National Party Congress (we really, really recommend you don't actually). While the costume's actual delivery is certainly lacking a bit, we're giving them bonus points for sheer creativity.

Donald Trump

It's cheap, tacky and orange, so as far as realistic Halloween costumes go, this one's pretty on the money. With Donald Trump set to actually visit Beijing next November, find your Melania and get everyone hyped a couple weeks early. We recommend this costume to our more petite brethren, then you can also have the small hands to match.

There are hundreds more on Taobao, so get hunting!

For links to where to buy these beauties, hit '阅读原文'.

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