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How to Find a Winter Cuddle Buddy

2017-01-07 ShanghaiWOWeng




Winter has come. If you haven’t done so this past fall, it’s time you find a winter cuddle buddy. We all need that special somebody to share with our lazy Sundays, late-night chocolate rampages, and Lord of the Rings marathons.  Here’s the official guide to finding your life long partner of dry humping (basically)! 




STEP ONE: Don’t waste time being subtle. Winter is already here and you’re cuddleless! Go to the local bar, mall, grocery store, or any public place and advertise yourself. Of course, a little bit of make-up wouldn’t hurt either. Don’t be afraid to get creative. 


**Warning**: the farther you push the boundaries with this costume the more the likelihood of ending up in a masochistic cult.  




STEP TWO: Remember! There is nothing more attractive to cuddling partners than someone who has lost the determination and ability to shave, groom, or attend to any basic hygiene. After all, teddy bears are an international icon for cuddling. 


As the saying goes “the more rugged you look, the cuddles you took.” 




STEP THREE: Never forget, flexibility is the key to any long lasting, meaningless, purely physical cuddling relationship! Having the ability to strut your stuff, invent new cuddle positions, and subtly reach for your phone without disturbing your cuddle buddy is key to maintaining a healthy relationship between you and that human-heater you’ve acquired. 




STEP FOUR: You need to make yourself present. Nothing is worse than a cuddle buddy you don’t even know that you have. Gently position yourself as the big spoon and blow or whisper soothing phrases to your cuddle buddy. This gives your partner the reassurance that you’ll always be there when they need you. 


**HINT** Subtly playing “Every Breath You Take” by The Police is a great way to ensure this move goes noticed. 




STEP FIVE: Be spontaneous! Filling out applications, public advertisements, and your weekly e-mail reminders are all in vain unless you are courageous enough to make one last desperate attempt at winter happiness. Head to your closest dimly lit park or abandoned ice skating rink and leap at the first person you see for a surprise cuddle! 


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