The 10 flatmates you'll live with in Shanghai
Let’s face it, flatsharing is a nearly inevitable part of the Shanghai experience. You'll be sharing your living space with people from all over the globe – sneakily stealing milk and shampoo from roommates who grew up on entirely different continents. But just who exactly are you going to be living with?
1. The person you never see
The human equivalent of a snow leopard, sightings of this person are rare and sought-after. You know little about them and there was a point when you doubted if they even still lived with you at all. They leave little clues around the flat to let you know that they’re still about: a half-eaten sandwich here, an empty bottle of water there. You're convinced they’ve never done a single load of laundry and you genuinely can’t remember if you've ever heard them take a shower. You're pretty sure that they exist, like 90 percent sure. Either that or you've got a poltergeist that pays rent and sorts when the ayi comes over.
2. The person from the same country as you
You've relocated halfway across the world and ended up moving in with someone who's effectively from down the road. Once the novelty of living with a person from home wears off, you quickly realise that other than your country of birth, you have absolutely nothing in common and absolutely nothing to talk about. Your awkward chats in the kitchen are excruciating. All you want is for the kettle to boil so you can make a cup of tea and retreat to the sanctuary of your room, but it’s taking an age. You’re going to have to attempt some conversation: 'See the football last night?' you reluctantly enquire. 'Don’t like football' they grunt. Of course they don't. You try again: 'It’s rained a lot today, just like being back home!' you say feigning a laugh. 'Yeah it is.' Right, what is taking the kettle so long?
3. The Sherpa's dependent
Either they can't cook, or they won't cook. It’s unclear whether they know that it's possible to obtain sufficient sustenance without it being delivered by a man on a scooter. The pile of receipts by the door is getting out of hand and there are more plastic tubs in their bedroom than at one of your auntie Jane's infamous Tupperware parties. All the delivery guys know them by name, and last week one stayed for a beer. You wouldn't mind if they mixed it up a bit and ordered from different places, but judging by their last few meals, you’d think they have shares in Mr Pancake House. And all the maple syrup in the fridge seems to be attracting Canadians.
4. The person you can barely communicate with
You're sure they're lovely, but god knows what they're saying. You try to use Mandarin as a sort of bridging dialogue, but unless they're a taxi driver or a shopkeeper, you don't have many useful phrases under your belt. Google Translate sometimes works, but more often than not it results in gross miscommunication – they haven't been the same since that time you got the wrong end of the stick and threw out all that meat in the freezer. How were you supposed to know they were planning on making lasagne?
5. The person who still sees living in China as a novelty and is amazed by everything
They’ve not been here long and you can tell. As the locals might say, they’re a cai niao – a newbie, or literal translation, a ‘bird to eat'. They’re still in awe of using Alipay and scanning a QR code never fails to blow their mind. Every day they have a story about how they were nearly mowed down by a scooter at a crossing. You nod along politely, all the time wondering why they haven’t simply learnt to look left before crossing the road, yet. ‘OMG they have wifi on the Metro here'’ they enthusiastically tell you, as if they were the first person to discover it. Pray you're not there the day they find out about Mobike.
6. The pollution-fearer
More masks than a Jim Carrey-themed fancy dress party. They won't let you turn off the air-purifier and with the amount of plants in their room, they could probably run a small florists. Fair enough, pollution's no joke but they might as well have a timeshare at the botanical gardens. Their pollution mask is so high-tech-looking that every time they leave the house it looks like Shanghai is under attack from Bane from The Dark Knight Rises. You won't see them in Beijing anytime soon, that’s for sure.
7. The person studying Chinese
You get along with them really well, but every time they speak Chinese you take it as a personal attack on your linguistic inferiority. Granted, they’re taking an intensive, immersive university course, while you're only listening to the odd instructional podcast after work, but you still can’t help but be green with envy. Despite your paranoia that they’re talking about you to the ayi, or that they're judging you every time you mess-up your order at Coco, more often than not they use their powers for good. Remember that time you almost washed the dishes with bleach and they stopped you because they could read the label? Yeah, you should be grateful for having your own live-in translator.
8. The excessive group chatter
'Heyyyyy BFFs, just letting you know that I took the bins out earlier. Thanks! [emoji] [emoji] [terrible custom sticker].' Every day there’s a new, unnecessary message in the house chat. ‘Hi everyone, kitchen's getting a bit messy, group clean-up tonight? [emoji] [emoji] [custom sticker unbefitting of the message].' Seldom do you reply, but they just don’t get the hint. 'Wassup gang! I thought the living area was looking a bit plain so I bought some artwork to spruce it up. You owe me 100RMB each. Hongbao, not transfer, please – cheers! [emoji] [emoji] [custom sticker that fills you with an odd combination of contempt and pity].' You immediately move out.
9. The one you matched with on tinder and now it's awkward
Nightmare. You blame it on a slip of the thumb, but you both can't have made the same mistake, can you? They haven’t acknowledged the match; then again, maybe they're waiting for you to make the first move? Despite having never really had a conversation that wasn’t about rent, or 'that smell' in the fridge, you think there might be something there. Do you dare send a message? You already have them on WeChat, messaging them through a dating app might be a bad idea. You don’t want to show your hand too early. Hold on! A knock at your bedroom door! You try to play it cool: 'Hey, what’s up?' you say busting out a classic lean-on-the-doorframe move. ‘The smell in the fridge is back, I think your milk's gone off.' You should have swiped left…
10. The all-round flatmate from hell
You've really drawn the short straw. Where to begin? They constantly lock themselves out, they dry all of their clothes in the communal areas, they clog the plughole with hair, and they do so much cooking that there is no room in the fridge because of all the experimental casseroles and questionable quiches. Their taste in music is abysmal, but that doesn’t stop them from blasting '5 Seconds of Summer' until the early hours of the morning. And how can you forget that fortnight when their parents stayed over? There was even a point when they kept an Ofo bike in your living room for ‘convenience'. What have you done to deserve this?