Here's how your work Christmas party is gonna go
Photograph: Toa Heftiba via Unsplash
Christmas is just around the corner, and it's clearly a big deal as far as your coworkers are concerned. The warning signs were always there: tinsel in the communal kitchen, Michael Bublé cropping up in the office Spotify playlist, Kate from HR bringing in that gingerbread house that she definitely spent her whole weekend decorating – your work Christmas party is about to go down, whether you like it or not. Here's how it's going to pan out...
The group chat
You already have your office/work/team group chat, but someone thought it would be a good idea to set up another one. The Christmas party group chat is basically everyone from your normal work chat but less serious – think loosened ties, top buttons undone and 'cheers' instead of 'kind regards' as an email sign off.
In this group your supervisor is less your supervisor and more just plain old Marcus – dog owner, F45 membership holder, did two open mics at Comedy UN so now he thinks he's a stand-up comedian, aspiring DJ, high functioning alcoholic. It's lighthearted and, dare you say, fun, with some silly suggestions being thrown around. 'Table for 15 at Perry's lol'. However, just because it's a more casual environment, you must remember it's still technically a work chat, so best not start unleashing those 'special stickers' in your collection.
A group activity you all had to agree on
Photograph: Split The Kipper via flickr
There was never going to be a unanimous vote. Someone (most likely you) was always going to be disappointed. 'I'm fine with anything' you lie in the group chat, secretly hoping nobody suggests KTV. Of course, the party rolls around and it's KTV. And it's Christmas songs only. Chen from accounting is doing his best Frank Sinatra impression, while you're doing your best impression of a person who doesn't look like they're seconds away from jumping out of a window.
A couple of wines later, however, and you're bang into it. You're so confident with mic in hand, there was a point when you genuinely thought you'd assumed the form of Mariah Carey – your true final form, you tell yourself. By the end of the night, the Christmas rule's been abandoned and the whole team's butchering 'Despacito' and having a great time. 'Pasito a pasito, suave, suave... erm... suan le ba'.
The team Christmas dinner
Photograph: Tom Godber via flickr
Tough to organise and even tougher to survive. Do you go to a fancy hotel restaurant? Or do you all end up sat around a large round table eating dim sum in Christmas hats? Yang's decided he's a vegetarian again, so you need to take that into account and Sharon would prefer 'somewhere gluten-free, if possible?'
Who you sit next to is crucial, you better arrive on time so you have a choice, otherwise the proceeding two hours or so are going to be a nightmare. Awkward, work-related chats with that colleague you only ever say 'hi' to in the corridor; trying to talk to your boss like they're a real human and not the Darth Vader-like character you perceive them as; Marcus showing you his gym progress selfies and talking you through his upcoming mixtape. Someone's got a round of eggnog for the table and you've never been 100 percent sure what eggnog is but you're in your early-thirties and it's too late to admit this yuletide ignorance.
Secret Santa
Photograph: Tom Godber via flickr
Not the worst thing in history to be abbreviated to SS, but still not good. Shopping for a Secret Santa gift conjures up such an odd feeling of pressure and anxiety. You could just cop out again and give a hongbao, but that's very much a secret Santa faux pas as far as your coworkers are concerned. Luckily, you've drawn Dave: 35, married, two kids, doesn't care for much, probably a little dead inside – the perfect giftee. Get him a bottle of baijiu, there's a white Christmas joke there somewhere. He hates Secret Santa even more than you do. Last year he gave Kate a phone charger, which seemed generous at first, but it turned out he'd borrowed it from her three months earlier.
The night out
Photograph: Split The Kipper via flickr
DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! This is no ordinary night out, you work with these people and see them almost every day of the year, do not embarrass yourself! This is what you tell yourself at least. An hour in and you're doing shots of tequila with your boss and telling them that they're 'actually an alright boss.' Fast forward to 2am and you're at MYST for some reason. The sales team have got a VIP table with bottle service and Marcus is asking you whether you think 'gluten-free Sharon is hot or not?' You can't name a single song the DJ has played, but to be fair, you won't be able to remember any of them come tomorrow morning anyway.