TED | 勇敢，是度过难关的唯一方法
在这篇感人的演讲中，艾许.贝克汉提出了一个同情与心胸开放的全新方式——首先要理解每个人在生命中皆曾经历过困难。艾许说，度过难关唯一的方法，就是要开启柜门，勇敢的踏出柜子。
演说者：艾许.贝克汉
演说题目：勇敢，是度过难关的唯一方法
https://v.qq.com/txp/iframe/player.html?vid=a0316vepgi6&width=500&height=375&auto=0
0:11
I'm going to talk to you tonight about coming out of the closet, and not in the traditional sense, not just the gay closet. I think we all have closets. Your closet may be telling someone you love her for the first time, or telling someone that you're pregnant, or telling someone you have cancer, or any of the other hard conversations we have throughout our lives. All a closet is is a hard conversation, and although our topics may vary tremendously, the experience of being in and coming out of the closet is universal. It is scary, and we hate it, and it needs to be done.
0:51
Several years ago, I was working at the South Side Walnut Cafe, a local diner in town, and during my time there I would go through phases of militant lesbian intensity: not shaving my armpits, quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel. And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts and how recently I had shaved my head, the question would often be sprung on me, usually by a little kid:
1:18
"Um, are you a boy or are you a girl?"
1:23
And there would be an awkward silence at the table. I'd clench my jaw a little tighter, hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance. The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid. But I would say nothing, and I would seethe inside. And it got to the point where every time I walked up to a table that had a kid anywhere between three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight. (Laughter) And that is a terrible feeling. So I promised myself, the next time, I would say something. I would have that hard conversation.
1:56
So within a matter of weeks, it happens again.
1:59
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
2:01
Familiar silence, but this time I'm ready, and I am about to go all Women's Studies 101 on this table. (Laughter) I've got my Betty Friedan quotes. I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes. I've even got this little bit from "Vagina Monologues" I'm going to do. So I take a deep breath and I look down and staring back at me is a four-year-old girl in a pink dress, not a challenge to a feminist duel, just a kid with a question: "Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
2:33
So I take another deep breath, squat down to next to her, and say, "Hey, I know it's kind of confusing. My hair is short like a boy's, and I wear boy's clothes, but I'm a girl, and you know how sometimes you like to wear a pink dress, and sometimes you like to wear your comfy jammies? Well, I'm more of a comfy jammies kind of girl."
2:51
And this kid looks me dead in the eye, without missing a beat, and says, "My favorite pajamas are purple with fish. Can I get a pancake, please?" (Laughter) And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girl. How about that pancake?"
3:07
It was the easiest hard conversation I have ever had. And why? Because Pancake Girl and I, we were both real with each other.
3:17
So like many of us, I've lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah, most often, my walls happened to be rainbow. But inside, in the dark, you can't tell what color the walls are. You just know what it feels like to live in a closet. So really, my closet is no different than yours or yours or yours. Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons why coming out of my closet was harder than coming out of yours, but here's the thing: Hard is not relative. Hard is hard. Who can tell me that explaining to someone you've just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them? Who can tell me that his coming out story is harder than telling your five-year-old you're getting a divorce? There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard. At some point in our lives, we all live in closets, and they may feel safe, or at least safer than what lies on the other side of that door. But I am here to tell you, no matter what your walls are made of, a closet is no place for a person to live.
4:28
Thanks. (Applause)
4:31
So imagine yourself 20 years ago. Me, I had a ponytail, a strapless dress, and high-heeled shoes. I was not the militant lesbian ready to fight any four-year-old that walked into the cafe. I was frozen by fear, curled up in the corner of my pitch-black closet clutching my gay grenade, and moving one muscle is the scariest thing I have ever done. My family, my friends, complete strangers -- I had spent my entire life trying to not disappoint these people, and now I was turning the world upside down on purpose. I was burning the pages of the script we had all followed for so long, but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you.
5:20
One of my most memorable grenade tosses was at my sister's wedding. (Laughter) It was the first time that many in attendance knew I was gay, so in doing my maid of honor duties, in my black dress and heels, I walked around to tables and finally landed on a table of my parents' friends, folks that had known me for years. And after a little small talk, one of the women shouted out, "I love Nathan Lane!" And the battle of gay relatability had begun.
5:50
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"
5:52
"Well, yeah, actually, we have friends in San Francisco."
5:54
"Well, we've never been there but we've heard it's fabulous."
5:57
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio? He's really good and he has never talked about a girlfriend."
6:02
"Ash, what's your favorite TV show? Our favorite TV show? Favorite: Will & Grace. And you know who we love? Jack. Jack is our favorite."
6:09
And then one woman, stumped but wanting so desperately to show her support, to let me know she was on my side, she finally blurted out, "Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts." (Laughter)
6:24
And I had a choice in that moment, as all grenade throwers do. I could go back to my girlfriend and my gay-loving table and mock their responses, chastise their unworldliness and their inability to jump through the politically correct gay hoops I had brought with me, or I could empathize with them and realize that that was maybe one of the hardest things they had ever done, that starting and having that conversation was them coming out of their closets. Sure, it would have been easy to point out where they felt short. It's a lot harder to meet them where they are and acknowledge the fact that they were trying. And what else can you ask someone to do but try? If you're going to be real with someone, you gotta be ready for real in return.
7:10
So hard conversations are still not my strong suit. Ask anybody I have ever dated. But I'm getting better, and I follow what I like to call the three Pancake Girl principles. Now, please view this through gay-colored lenses, but know what it takes to come out of any closet is essentially the same.
7:29
Number one: Be authentic. Take the armor off. Be yourself. That kid in the cafe had no armor, but I was ready for battle. If you want someone to be real with you, they need to know that you bleed too.
7:43
Number two: Be direct. Just say it. Rip the Band-Aid off. If you know you are gay, just say it. If you tell your parents you might be gay, they will hold out hope that this will change. Do not give them that sense of false hope. (Laughter)
7:57
And number three, and most important -- (Laughter) Be unapologetic. You are speaking your truth. Never apologize for that. And some folks may have gotten hurt along the way, so sure, apologize for what you've done, but never apologize for who you are. And yeah, some folks may be disappointed, but that is on them, not on you. Those are their expectations of who you are, not yours. That is their story, not yours. The only story that matters is the one that you want to write. So the next time you find yourself in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade, know we have all been there before. And you may feel so very alone, but you are not. And we know it's hard but we need you out here, no matter what your walls are made of, because I guarantee you there are others peering through the keyholes of their closets looking for the next brave soul to bust a door open, so be that person and show the world that we are bigger than our closets and that a closet is no place for a person to truly live.
9:12
Thank you, Boulder. Enjoy your night. (Applause)
0:12
今晚我会和大家讲述 如何走出柜 但不是传统意义上的层面 不只是成为同性恋那样的出柜 我想大家都有个柜 你所谓的出柜 有的或许是你跟她第一次说我爱你 或许告诉别人你怀孕了 或许告诉别人你患有癌症 甚至是其他我们都经历过的 难以启齿的谈话 所谓的柜就是一次说不出口的谈话 虽然我们的话题涉及广泛 在柜中 和出柜的经历都是相通的 这种感觉很可怕 尽管我们都不喜欢 但是还得这样做
0:51
几年以前 我在South Side Walnut咖啡店工作 一个当地的餐厅 那段时间我经历了 激进女同性恋的紧张 没有刮我的腋毛 引用福音Ani DiFranco的歌词 由于我宽松的工装短裤 还有我最近的发型 经常会有人问我 通常是小孩儿问我
1:18
“嗯，你是男孩还是女孩？”
1:23
随之而来的是一阵尴尬的寂静 我紧咬牙关 怀着报复的心紧握着咖啡罐 爸爸尴尬地乱翻着报纸 妈妈冷漠地盯着孩子 但是我说不出口 内心却在沸腾 重点是 每次我走到旁边 有3到10岁小孩儿的桌子时 我都准备好要干一架了 （笑声） 这种感觉非常不好 所以我跟自己讲 下一次 我一定会说什么 我会把话说出口
1:56
所以 过了几个星期 又出现这种状况了
1:59
“你是男孩还是女孩？”
2:01
熟悉的沉寂 但是这次我准备好了 这次我要把所有女性的话 说出来 （笑声） 我准备好引用Betty Friedan的话 准备好引用Gloria Steinem的话 我甚至从《阴道独白》中选了几句话 我深吸了口气 我低下头看 迎来的是一个穿着粉色裙子的4岁小女孩儿的目光 这个小菜一碟 只是个小孩儿问问题 “你是男孩还是女孩？”
2:33
我又深吸了口气 在她身旁蹲下来说 “我知道有点不好理解 我的头发像男生的那样短 我还穿着男生的衣服 但是我是个女孩 有时候你喜欢穿粉色的裙子 有时候喜欢穿舒服的睡衣 对吧 那我就是那种喜欢穿舒服睡衣的那种女孩
2:51
这个小孩儿死死的盯着我 都不带眨的 说 ”我最喜欢的睡衣是紫色的 上面还有鱼 能给我块煎饼吗？“ （笑声） 就是这样 ”哦 好吧 你是个女孩 来块煎饼怎么样？“
3:07
这是有史以来 最简单的一次艰难对话 为什么呢 因为这个煎饼女孩和我 我们对彼此都很真诚
3:17
所以 跟很多人一样 我住在自己的几个柜里 是的 而且我的四面墙常常会变成彩色 但是墙的里面 黑暗中 你却不知道内墙是什么颜色 你就是知道在柜里是什么感觉 所以 真的 我的柜和你的 你的 所有人的柜都是一样的 当然 我会告诉你100个理由 来解释为什么我出柜会比你出柜要难 但是重点是 难并不是相对的 各有各的难处 谁能告诉我 是跟一个人讲你刚刚破产难 还是跟一个人讲你背叛他难呢 谁能告诉我 是一个人说自己出柜难 还是告诉你5岁的孩子你要离婚了难呢 没有谁更难一些 就只是很难而已 我们不能把各自的难处排个1234 以此来让我们对自己的柜更好过或更难过些 然后又互相怜悯大家都很难 在生活中的某些时刻 我们都闷在柜里 这样我们感到很安全 至少比在柜外面更安全些 但是我要告诉大家 不管你的柜是什么材质 那都不是一个人应该住的地方
4:28
谢谢 （掌声）
4:31
想想20年前的你 那时的我 扎着马尾 穿着没有肩带的裙子 蹬着高跟鞋 我不是那个紧张的女同性恋 随时准备迎战走进咖啡厅的4岁孩童 恐惧使我不得动弹 缩在我 那个黑漆漆的柜里 绷紧身为同性恋的神经 我从未 放松过紧绷的那根弦 我的家人 朋友 陌生人 我一直都 努力不让这些人失望 然而现在 我却故意 把事情弄的一团糟 我把我们一直沿用的脚本 都烧掉 但是如果你不丢掉手中的手榴弹 它会至你于死地
5:20
让我印象最深刻的一次爆发 是在我姐姐的婚礼上 （笑声） 很多在场的人知道我是同性恋 这还是头一回 所以我作为伴娘 穿着一袭黑裙和高跟鞋 我游走在桌边 最后决定坐在我父母的朋友的那一桌上 他们认识我很久了 说了一会儿话后 有个女人大叫着说 “我超爱Nathan Lane！” 就这样一场关于同性恋的话题拉开帷幕
5:50
”Ash 你去过Castro吗？“
5:52
”恩 内什么 实际上 我们在旧金山有朋友“
5:54
”内什么 我们没去过那儿 但是听说那儿挺棒的“
5:57
”Ash 你知道我的理发师Antonio吗？ 他人很好 但是从没听他谈过女性朋友”
6:02
"Ash 你最喜欢哪个电视节目 我们最喜欢的？ 最喜欢的电视节目非Will & Grace莫属 你知道我们最爱谁吗 最爱Jack了 我们最喜欢Jack了“
6:09
然后另一个女人 张口结舌 但是极力变现出她的支持 让我明白她是站在我这一边的 她最终脱口而出 ”有时候我丈夫穿粉色的T恤“ （笑声）
6:24
在那一刻 和所有爆发者一样 我作出了选择 我可以回到我女性朋友和支持同性恋的那一桌去 对他们这些人的反应嘲笑一番 说他们什么都不懂 他们不能理解我身上所带的同性恋的标签 或者我可以选择感同身受 理解那可能是他们从未做过的最难的事情 开始并进行那样的对话 是他们出柜的表现 当然 指出他们不对的地方很容易 但是和他们在同一层面上理解 并知道他们在努力却很难 除了让人家努力尝试 你还能要求人家什么呢 如果你想对某人坦诚 那你就要准备好别人同样对你完全坦白
7:10
所以进行难的对话仍不是我的强项 去问问我从未约过会的人就知道了 但是我做好的更好了 因为我遵循我称之为 煎饼女孩三原则 请各位带上同性恋有色眼镜来看待这个 但是要明白出任何的柜所需的努力 都是一样的
7:29
原则一 要真实 卸下你的防御 做真实的自己 那个在咖啡厅的女孩就没有防御 然而我却是准备开战 如果你想让别人对你坦诚 你得让他们知道你也有所付出
7:43
原则二 要直接 有什么说什么 不要绷着 你知道你是同性恋 那就说出来 如果你告诉你的父母 你可能是同性恋 他们会心有一丝希望 你会改变的 不要让他们有这样的错觉 （笑声）
7:57
原则三 最重要的一点 （笑声） 不要有负罪感 你是在坦言有关自己的事情 不要对此感到抱歉 可能会有人受伤 这是一定的 对你所做的事情道歉 但是不要为你的本质而道歉 是的 有些人会很失望 但是他们对自己失望 而不是对你 那是他们所期望的你的样子 而不是你自己的期望 那是他们的故事 而不是属于你的故事 唯一重要的故事 是你想要书写的那一个 那么下回你发现自己 窝在柜里 手里紧攥着手榴弹时 要知道我们都经历过这个阶段 你可能会感到孤独 但实际上不是的 虽然很难 但是你需要走出柜 不管你的墙是什么 我向你保证 还有些人 从他们柜的锁眼里 寻找下一个勇敢的人推开们 所以做那个勇敢的人吧 让人们知道柜已容不下我们 一个柜不是一个人 能活出真实自己的地方
9:12
谢谢 Boulder 祝各位晚上愉快 （掌声）
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