CD Voice | "Real World" English is the way to go

OK kids, listen up. There are two distinct versions of English: Real World and Old World.

The former is what’s spoken in Canada, the United States, the civilized parts of Australia and every international air traffic control tower on the planet. It can be heard on The Simpsons, CNN and all of 34 Alice Cooper’s albums.

The latter is the pretentious parlance that passes for conversational English in Britain and the vestiges of its once mighty empire – backwater outposts like Turks and Caicos, St. Helena, Anguilla … and New Zealand.

Far be it from me to categorically state one version is right and the other is wrong, but let’s not pull any punches here. If you’re a Chinese kid struggling to navigate the subtle nuances on the path to learning the lingo, which of the following is easier to decipher?

Real world

On the weekend, my car ran out of gas on a two-way street in front of an apartment building. There was a spare can of gas in the trunk, so I popped the hood and poured a little down the carburetor. The car wouldn’t start, so I pushed it to the sidewalk and called a tow truck on my cell. While I waited for it to arrive, I went to a drugstore and bought a pacifier for my baby daughter.

Old world

At the weekend, my car ran out of petrol along the dual carriageway outside a block of flats. There was some auxiliary petrol stored in the boot, so I unhinged the bonnet and poured some into the engine-works. The motor still would not fire, so I pushed the vehicle to the pavement and rang up a breakdown van on my mobile. Whilst I waited for its arrival, I popped in to the chemist to purchase a dummy for my little girl.

Be honest: Which version is easier to understand?  Which version doesn’t sound like it came from a guy wearing a “waistcoat” and brandishing a “brolly”?

You would at least think professional media people tasked with conveying information to an increasingly Real World-savvy audience would recognize the futility of antiquated utterances, but that’s not the case. We regularly witness Old World sports journalists effusing about “precious performances” (impressive wins) in “famous fixtures” (big games). Players are “in-form” (successful), especially if they compete for a “much fancied” (favored) team. 

And don’t get me started on verb agreement. “England are playing well” and “Arsenal are searching for answers” is just plain wrong.

TV news is even more frustrating. I recently watched a well-meaning Chinese reporter refer to a “queue” (long line) of “articulated lorries” (tractor-trailer trucks) outside a “housing estate” (land development) in Shanghai. She obviously didn’t write the copy. 

For what it’s worth, my advice to the millions of Chinese kids trying to learn English is that the truest path to linguistic liberation is only a click away: Watch more of The Simpsons.

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