看完恐怖片有后遗症？你被套路啦，不妨试试这份生存指南 | How to survive a horror movie

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看过几部国产恐怖片的CD君最近总结出了它的套路，海报和预告片永远比正片好看；一旦编剧编不下去了，必定配角该领盒饭了；没啥气氛，吓人基本靠吼叫和音效；鬼怪永远活在梦里。

什么？看完了满满的套路依然害怕恐怖片？没关系，CD君已经吐血整理了治疗恐怖片后遗症的秘方，麻麻再也不用担心你失眠了，不要太爱CD君哦！

If you suddenly hear strange noises in the night, don't get out of bed to investigate. Just go back to sleep.

Maniac: Hey, come out already!

晚上突然听到奇怪的声音？好奇心害死猫，千万别下床一探究竟。乖乖给我上床睡觉！

某小鬼：嘿，快粗来呀小宝贝，我来啦!

If some guy proposes that the group should split up, punch him in the face right away.

You: We all stick together, ok?

哪个不给力的队友提议分开行动？给我狠狠揍他。

自带正义光环的你：我们是一个team, ok?

If you're driving through a forest at night and you get a punctured tire, don't leave the car to change it. Screw the damn thing! You'll still get to where you're going!

神马？晚上在森林里开车爆胎了？千万别下车去修。放一万个心，你一定会到目的地的。

Put on as many clothes as possible.

You: Right, I've still got leggings and underwear on. This should give me enough time to get to the car.

要多严实就捂多严实！

风中凌乱的你：啊！幸好我套上了打底裤和内衣！扶朕起来，朕还有时间跑去开车。

Never lock your friends out while trying to hide in a (supposedly) safer room.

Your teammate: Mary, let us in.

Maniac: Another one! Yummy!

想藏到一个（自认为）安全的地方可以，但别把队友锁外面啊。

内心近乎崩溃的队友：韩梅梅，让我们进来啊！

某小鬼：哈哈，又一个小鲜肉，今天有外卖吃了！

Your chances of survival increase if you're… a nerd or an unpopular girl.

如果你是个无趣的男孩子或没人缘的女孩儿，CD君恭喜你，你的逃生机会大大滴！

Your chances of survival decrease if you're… a beefy alpha male or a cheerleader captain or someone's friend.

如果你是阳光帅气的肌肉男，美丽动人的啦啦队队长，或是某位大咖的朋友，CD君也要恭喜你，毕竟颜值高的你没啥希望逃生了。

Never taunt weird-looking kids. Who knows what monster he or she might grow up into.

You: Freddy is a loony! Freddy is a loony!

千万别嘲笑长得委婉的孩子。天知道他／她以后能作什么妖。

天真的你：弗雷迪是个蛇精病！弗雷迪是个蛇精病！

(少年，你是好样的！CD君心疼你！)

Whatever you do, don't look behind you.

You: I heard something…

Maniac: That's right! Turn around!

不管你在干什么，记住别回头看。

正在洗香香的你：我听到了啥动静…...

某小鬼：宝贝是我呀，快回头！

If the maniac seems to be dead, don't hang around — RUN!

You: Wait a minute! I'll just check his pulse!

Your teammate: Jake, come on!

要是哪个魔鬼好像狗带了，别磨蹭 —— 还等啥呢，赶紧跑啊！

爱财如命的你：稍等，我摸摸它的脉搏！

操碎心的队友：张伟，你给我赶紧的！

Make sure your phone is always fully charged.

You: Hello, police?!

保证手机一直有电。

终于机智一回的你：歪，警察叔叔吗？

Always lock all the doors in the house.

Maniac: What the… it's locked!

              Still no luck!

              Open, damn you!!!

锁上房间里的所有门。

某小鬼：这是发生了什……，小样儿学会上锁了！

              这个也锁了？今天太衰了吧！ 

              给我开门，我……

掌握这些秘籍后，恭喜你成为人魔两界的扛把子，小鬼见到你也要叫你声 “大哥” 了！

Source: Imgur

Editor: Zhang Xi 

Translator: A Yimu (intern)

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