China's New Dating Craze Involves Courting in the Courtroom

Original Joey K. theBeijinger

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There isn’t anything in this world more tantalizing than a cold plate of justice. That is why, disillusioned by the oversaturation of online streaming content and thinly storied movies at the cinema, many couples are turning to the aphrodisiacal power of the courtroom.

Last month, the hashtag #最强法院约会政略# (zuì qiáng fǎyuàn yuēhuì zhènglüè, the best strategy for courtroom dating) began trending on Weibo, revealing a national trend that is reminiscent of Americans’ love of Judge Judy (only sexier). Netizens refer to this as a form of “hardcore” dating, which may or may not also describe what activities come after the date itself.

Really, Your Honor, it's true!

So, what exactly is the best strategy for courtroom dating? Naturally, this is a matter of much debate. A marital dispute seems like an obvious drama-filled choice, although the disputes are often petty. The question is, will you and your partner look on and say “thank goodness we're not like that," or something more like, “are we staring into the abyss of our own future?"

Others point to homicide cases and other violent crimes as surefire sources of suspense, and with a higher chance of seeing a witness shed tears, not to mention the defendant receiving a death sentence. Ultimately, the type of trial is a matter of taste, but netizens warn that spectators must be careful to conduct themselves appropriately... as if this entire exercise wasn't already very inappropriate.

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Seven rules for dating my defendant

Excited to see this newfound enthusiasm for civic involvement on the part of young lovers, even some Chinese media outlets like the People’s Court Daily (rmfyb.chinacourt.org) began to take notice and give their own advice, which culminated in a widely shared list of seven steps on how to set up the perfect “court date.”

My dating life really isn't any of your business, actually

The translated steps are as follows:
1. Take out your ID card and verify that you are at least 18 years of age.
2. Open up WeChat and make sure that you have a partner who is willing to go on a court date with you.
3. Get online and find the website of your local courthouse (bj1zy.chinacourt.gov.cn).
4. Pick a day with court date weather.
5. Find some juicy proceedings scheduled for that day and mark your calendar.
6. Arrive at the courtroom 15 minutes before the hearing with your valid ID.

No Chinese ID? You're more than likely asking yourself, can I too partake in the sexually-charged practice of sitting quietly as lawyers speak at great length? The answer: maybe. From 2014, China began to open its courtrooms up to foreign spectators, but largely only for certain trials that involve foreigners (which are less common) or foreign companies (which are hardly titillating).

Fortunately for randy expats who go full-chub for due process, China livestreams millions of court proceedings per year, so you can still go ahead and invite that special someone over for justice and chill.