Date Night China: Finding A Trans Community in Beijing
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This article comes from Date Night China (WeChat ID: datenightchina), your guide to dating in China, from love to lust, first dates to worst dates, hilarious stories, and top tips to avoid (or steer into) disaster. Single in the city? Listen to their podcast.
Regina is a Chinese American who has lived in Beijing for 2.5 years now. They share about getting connected with a trans community in Beijing and how to support the LGBTQ+ community here.
They also share how they met their partner and what it's like being in an intercultural relationship here.Meet Regina
Hi I’m Regina. I use they/them pronouns, and I identify as trans and nonbinary. I’m Chinese American and I work in the education industry
How did you get connected with the trans community in Beijing and meet your partner?
My partner works at the Beijing LGBT Center, which is how we got connected. When I first came to Beijing, I was looking for a trans community. It was really hard to find at first in the foreigner expat community, so I kept looking and found the Beijing LGBT center had a trans community.
I was going through a rough time my first year in China in regards with my relationship to my body. I was feeling a lot of gender dysphoria, which is essentially incongruence with your body and how you actually feel about it inside.
One of my dreams has been to get top surgery for a while, so I was looking into options and how to do that in China. My doctor here connected me with the director of the LGBT Center and they connected me to my current partner. We had only chatted on WeChat and had only spoken in English. Since all the events are in Chinese, my partner never really invited me to them.
But then in 2019, on May 17 (which is the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia), they invited me to an event where they would be speaking in English. It was a film screening panel event where we watched some short films featuring different trans stories. My partner invited me and it was the first time we met in person.One funny thing: my partner thought that I was a 40-year old person before, because apparently my Wechat profile pic made me look like that (which I disagree with!). So when they saw me they thought, “Wow you’re really young actually!”
That night we talked a lot. My partner really took care of me there. They’re a very welcoming person and always want to make sure everyone feels included and heard. They were introducing me to everyone that night. I thought it was so nice and sweet.
Later that night we went to Destination, one of the oldest gay clubs in Beijing. That night I didn’t know if my partner was interested in me or not. But at one point they took my hand to the dance floor, and that’s when I knew they were. After that I asked them to go on a proper date and now we’ve been together for 1.5 years.advertisement
Coming from different countries and backgrounds, were there any cultural miscommunications or difficulties?
Yes, actually one of the first things we got into a little fight about was a language misunderstanding. My partner had expressed to me they wanted me to plan a date and treat them. They used a particular Chinese word, Qing 请. I didn’t process that at the time. The day of I just thought we would casually go out and watch a movie, so we did.
But afterward, my partner was upset. They said, ‘I thought you would plan this and take me out, I used the words "请我 qǐng wǒ." I didn’t take that in. From then on, we had to be clear about what we were communicating. We communicate in a mixture of Chinese and English, and now my Chinese has gotten even better. I think that now it’s much better, but sometimes there are still cultural barriers that exist in our relationship.
Like a big one is family and our relationships with our parents. For me, I’m more of an individualistic “I am my own person I will live my own life away from my parents” kind of person. But my partner has a strong connection with their family. Setting boundaries and talking about certain things can be a little difficult and takes lots of communication.
In the U.S. when you come out to your family and they don’t like it, you can pick your own chosen family. In China, you see that less, as you can’t cut yourself from the fabric of family. It is such a strong construct in China. Some people are so scared to come out to their family, as it has huge ramifications for the rest of your life. In the U.S. there is that too, but also you more so can be like, ‘Fuck it I’ll have my own chosen family.’What kind of events, trainings, and resources does the LGBT Center offer?
The Beijing LGBT Center has a health mental department and offers therapy on a sliding scale. The center also offers lots of trainings with different professionals, lawyers, medical professionals, and other community events. There used to be a weekly trans meet up with activities like sushi making and how to put on makeup.
Recently there has been more business development within the center to train people to talk about diversity and inclusion, which is really important. We have a lot of young people who come and ask, “Should I come out at work and how do I do that?”
This year for the TenCent 99 Charity Day, the theme was workplace diversity. Only 5 percent of Chinese people are out at work, which means 95 percent of people still in the closet, compared to 50 percent in the U.S. A lot of people don’t feel they can be themselves authentically in the workplace, so the LGBT Center really wants to help with that.
There have been many challenges the center faces. Even though it is one of the biggest centers, it can be difficult to find sponsors and location venues.
Some great venues I'd like to shout out: Great Leap Brewery has been a big partner and they do an annual Halloween party with the center. There is also Cue Bar and Chill bar, and some other places that have been so open and supportive.How can people be allies for their LGBTQ+ friends and the community?
It really starts with yourself. Activism really boils down to one on one relationships with people. Things like using the right name, the correct pronouns. I understand that pronouns can take more practice, so it helps if you practice texting and saying those different pronouns in day to day life and consuming things that use pronouns differently.
Just being open and knowing, hey I don’t know everything, but I’m open and willing to listen. And if you know someone prefers different pronouns, it's nice to introduce them to other people that way, so they don’t have to do that themselves all the time.
It boils down to language. Instead of asking if someone has a boyfriend or partner, ask, “Are you dating someone? Do you have a partner?”
Sometimes we say "hi guys" to be more gender-neutral, but it actually isn't gender-neutral. Instead of saying "hi guys" you can say "hi y’all" or "hi folks" to be more inclusive in your language. Just being more aware of the impact language has on people.
To learn more about the Beijing LGBT Center, follow their official Wechat account: bjlgbtcenter, or Weibo: 北京同志中心
If you want to learn more about how to support the Beijing LGBT Center's Trans Program, please reach out to Sachi on WeChat: zy07507
Also, don't miss Date Night China's upcoming LGBTQ+ Mixer this Friday, Dec. 11!READ: Date Night China: From Tops to Bottoms is a New Podcast About Sexuality
Images: Regina, Date Night China, Beijing LGBT Center
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