Date Night China: I Had To Give My Date an Enema
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This article comes from Date Night China (WeChat ID: datenightchina), a media platform and events organization that shares stories about dating and relationships in China. To learn more about upcoming events and connect with others in the DNC community, add co-host Rachel to join their WeChat group: rachelweiss22
I was working in a small town in the Northeast part of China. Far-flung kind of desolate place. I was getting really lonely so I decided to try the local apps for some dating experiences. The dating app Momo is trash and Tantan isn’t much better, but I managed to match with this girl who spoke just enough English for us to chat a bit.
We started talking and before long we were planning a meetup. Problem was, she lived with her parents in another town over and could only plan a weekend where she was telling her family she would go visit friends for the whole long weekend. Basically, we were committing to staying together for three days as a first date.
I bought a shitload of condoms and told her that it would be great. I met her at the train station. She was petite and had big brown eyes. Shy and coy, I was immediately drawn to her. Thankfully, where we lacked a common language was made up for with Google Translate and physical touch.
But she was shy and we didn’t end up having sex that night. Or the next night. On the last day she was there, she took me to eat soup and laughingly told me it was donkeyballs soup after I’d eaten half. She was winking, telling me that it was considered an aphrodisiac. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other that whole day – Kissing and cuddling but never crossing second base.
Later that night, the last night she stayed over, I could tell something was wrong. She wasn’t talking much. She seemed off and really uncomfortable. Being the straightforward person I am, I told her over Google Translate that I wanted to be with her and asked what was wrong. She told me that her stomach was hurting really bad.
advertisementI asked why and she said she’d been really nervous staying with me for the last few days and hadn’t been able to go poop for three days now. I told her we needed to go to the hospital and she said she was too embarrassed.
At this point, I'd like to remind you that this is a true story. She told me I needed to figure something out. In fact, she literally told me if I helped her we could have sex after. She knew how to motivate me.
I am a pretty resourceful person. And anything is an enema if you’re brave enough. I cut the end off of a sharpie cap. Used a lighter to smooth it over, then I unscrewed the shower nozzle spray thing, shoved the shower hose into the sharpie cap and voila! Enema applicator trophy unlocked.
That's right, my first time touching my date's privates was playing butt doctor. I made sure the water was the right temperature and gave her a gentle enema. Then I exited the bathroom as quickly as I could and promptly laughed my ass off whilst she exploded out of hers.
We hooked up later, after she had a shower, and dated for a few months. Then she met this dude from South Africa who got her name tatted on his arm a week after they met, which I guess was the right move because they got married and she moved to SA with him.
Have your own dating story to share? Join Date Night China to get involved.
READ: Date Night China: My Cringiest Tinder Date in China
Images: UNSPLASH, Date Night China
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