八项“基础建造”帮助父母与年幼的孩子建立友谊
中国父母很容易忽略和年幼的孩子建立亲密的友谊关系，所以很多孩子在成长的过程中与父母渐行渐远，以至于他们的心对世界开放却对父母关闭。还有一些父母意识到了和孩子建立友谊的重要性，却又不知道如何做。来看看苏珊姊妹给我们八个重要建议，帮助我们在孩子年幼的时候就能赢得他们的心。
几年前，我们开始建造一座新的教堂。开始的时候，工人们在地上挖了一个大坑，然后他们开始浇灌墩基。墩基是水泥支墩，整个建筑就是靠其支撑。它们对于建筑结构的强度至关重要。在地基的洞挖好之后，墩基必须快速浇筑好，不能让风、空气或者水改变了土壤的成分。
同样，在早期教育的几年当中，年幼孩子的父母也面临一项挑战性工作，他们要为未来的家庭友谊打下基础。以下八项“基础建造”可以帮助父母与年幼的孩子建立深厚的友谊。
一、拥抱并且赞美他们
肢体动作所传达出的情感和言语上的肯定，这两点对于奠定坚实的友谊基础是很必要的。拥抱，拥抱，拥抱。即使你不是在拥抱的家庭中长大的，也请尽量拥抱你的孩子。他们需要温暖的肢体接触，你也一样。从轻轻摇晃柔弱的婴孩到拥抱一个青春前期的孩子，肢体接触可以传递爱并且提供安全感。鼓励你的孩子们互相拥抱，让他们从抱住一个新生的弟兄姊妹开始。
对他们说“我爱你”，并且经常这么说。我们和孩子说话时，如果我们看着他们的眼睛，我们的话才会有意义。所以当你真的想要和他们交流时，请蹲下来，保持与他们一样的高度，并且让他们知道，你对他们所说的话是很重要的。为一些小事赞美他们——“你赞美了你兄弟画画漂亮，这很好！”为一些重要的事情赞美他们——“你帮助我打扫卫生，这真棒！”
年幼的孩子会想要操纵和控制，他会尝试使用自己的方式。孩子可能并非有意识地要去控制，但是他们确实常常如此。一个聪明的父母不可任凭这种情况发生。允许孩子操纵或控制会加给孩子极坏的、不公平的负担。严格的管教可以解除孩子的这些负担，建立孩子对父母的尊重。当孩子尊重他的父母时，他也会尊重别人。
严格的管教和爱不是相对的，但是今天很多善意的父母却在潜意识里认为两者是相对的。许多这样的父母自身就来自于受虐待的家庭，在这些家庭中，管教是过度甚至是残酷的。对于有这样背景的父母来说，他们所实施的任何管教都可能是虐待性的。所以，为了不重复自己父母犯下的错误，他们中的许多就彻底丢弃了管教，想方设法地想要去安抚自己的孩子。你没法和一个固执的两岁小孩辩理。你的小孩必须知道“不”就是“不”，而不是“也许”。如果你想要和孩子建立友谊，严格的管教是必要的，特别是在他们年幼的时候。
习惯和管教是相关联的，因为习惯是以有规律的计划事件和不断地重复为开始的。惩戒同样也是许多小行动的重复，直到它们根深蒂固，成为孩子与世界联系方式的一部分。小孩子需要一个时间表，它可以帮助孩子建立自信，因为他们可以学会应该期待什么，并在什么时候期待。
学步小孩的日常作息可能是：和父母一起吃早餐，独自玩耍，吃点心或者午餐，午休，下午外出，和父母一起玩，晚餐，听睡前故事，睡觉。
每个家庭的日程表都不一样，重要的是要形成有规律的生活。有时候这是不可能的，但你还是要尽可能地制定一个日程表。计划可以让你的生活更轻松，也可以让孩子明白父母管教的益处。
我最希望孩子记住的事是：我们一起欢笑。当我们学会欢笑，我们也就能帮助我们的孩子学会欢笑。有一次我为约翰做了个生日蛋糕，我没有发现面粉里有虫子，还用错了油，结果蛋糕歪歪扭扭，有很多虫子, 味道也不好。但约翰却觉得这一切有趣极了，于是我们都笑了，并把这个蛋糕称之为“妈妈的著名配方”。
一个男孩和他妈妈在一起讨论学校里的人际关系。他告诉妈妈：“我的朋友非常有趣。他让每个人都欢笑，所有孩子都喜欢他。我希望我也能像他那样有趣。”
“儿子”，她回答说，“我们不能都有趣。有趣的人需要像你这样的人的笑声回应他们的幽默。你的笑声是送给他们的礼物。”
我们的幽默应该是积极的，并且不能充满讽刺。人很容易讽刺别人，讽刺型的幽默是破坏性的。请学会欢笑并祷告家里充满幽默。
许多小学在新年快要开始的时候会举行家长会。这是一个很好的机会，父母可以借此认识那些将要在下个学期对孩子产生影响的老师们。
要和孩子的老师建立正面的关系。你可以如何支持他们？让他们知道你希望他们打电话询问有关孩子的事情。告诉他们，你不只是关心孩子的成绩，也关心他们的品格发展。
有一次，一个老师打电话给我们，因为她觉得我们家的双胞胎孩子正和一些朋友组成小集团，排斥其他的人。我感谢她的来电，并开始着手和孩子们一起解决这个问题。那对我们每个人都是一次有价值的学习经验。
和孩子一起参加班级外出活动。我们社区的一位父亲尽力参加孩子们所有的外出活动。这使他能够融入孩子们的世界，观察孩子们和朋友在一起的情况，并且培养出和孩子们共同的兴趣。
汽车牌照上写着“我的家”——我们好像就生活在汽车里——这是许多人在全家合用一辆车时的感受，但这也不差，因为汽车是个很好的地方。在车里，我们可以听到孩子们与朋友的谈话，可以听到平时单独和孩子讲话时听不到的信息。而如果你愿意花时间聆听且恰当地提问，合用汽车时期更为你的各种调查实验提供了方便。你可以知道谁做了“最坏”的事情，谁向谁吐了吐沫，你可以发现谁喜欢谁，哪个老师最“严厉”；你可以发现孩子们有哪些看法、动向，获取了哪些正确的信息和需要修正的信息。
当你带着自家孩子和别人家的孩子去公园时，请观察孩子们的互动，以便更多地了解我们的孩子和他们的朋友。我们的孩子喜欢发起游戏还是喜欢跟随别人？他们喜欢持续的活动还是安静地玩耍？在尝试新事物时，他们是敢于冒险的还是害怕的？他们喜欢笑还是比较严肃？
父母需要和孩子的朋友建立友谊。这样他们才能够真正地理解自己的孩子。建立这些友谊并不难。告诉你女儿的朋友，你喜欢她的发型。询问你儿子的朋友，他最喜欢的运动是什么？为孩子的朋友加油，告诉孩子你欣赏他们的朋友的哪些方面。（比如，我就很赞赏双胞胎的朋友克里斯蒂娜，她常常对我微笑并且拥抱我）
在孩子还年幼的时候，如果你赞赏并且尝试认识他们的朋友，孩子度过青春期就容易得多。你会认识他们大部分的朋友，你的孩子们也会习惯将你和他们的朋友联系在一起。
孩子们知道他们的父母并非总是正确的。没有人总是对的。他们需要的是真诚的父母，愿意承认自己错误的父母。他们需要父母承认自己对神的需要。
也许你成长的家庭没有过属灵的操练。因此，和你的孩子一起祷告会让你感觉有点怪怪的。孩子们可能会问一些连所罗门都难以回答的属灵问题。当你感觉难以回答他们的问题，或者和他们一起祷告不习惯时，请实话实说。要诚实地告诉他们：有许多事情你也不知道。你们需要一起找到答案。
深化与孩子交流的另一个方式是提问深刻的问题：“你能告诉我一件今天让你感到高兴的事情吗？”“钟妮，如果你的朋友想要抄袭你的答案，你会怎么做？”“你觉得为什么神要人纪念安息日？”
施工工程在我们教会的土地上留下了一个很大的泥坑。这个坑很难看，令人作呕，很难想象在它之上将会建起一座美丽的教堂，会有许多人会在里面唱诗赞美。因为雨下个不停，施工进展缓慢；后又因建筑材料延误，施工不得已停止了；在材料终于到达之后，又出现了材料错误和材料切割尺寸不对的情况……但无论如何工程还是继续了下去。直到后来，有人错误地把一根桩子钉在了主管道上，水流遍地，导致地面必须重做——这真让人泄气。但工人们却只能笑一笑，继续施工，把竣工图牢牢记在心里。
小孩子的父母有时候就像这些工人一样。我们不断地工作，但却看不到很大的进展。或者我们在某一方面取得了进步，在另一方面却遇到了挫折。我们很容易失去远景，变得泄气，因此我们必须记住，我们是在为孩子未来的生活和友谊打下基础，这是一个漫长的过程。我们的孩子是嫩枝，将来却要长成参天大树。所以当我们温柔地训练和引导他们时，我们需要一个长远的眼光。
在某种程度上，早年教育就像是在提取储蓄债券。我们在孩子的生活中投入很多，但大在几年之内却看不到多少初始投资的回报。就像我们希望我们的金钱投资在未来能获得回报一样，我们必须记住，我们是在建立孩子的未来。
当我们感到泄气时，我们要想到：我们在天上的父爱我们的孩子，甚至超过我们对孩子的爱，他知道我们的短处，他会温柔地教导我们，就像我们教导自己的孩子那样，我们靠着他就能共同成长。
作者：苏珊·叶芝 (Susan Yates)
来源：家庭生活网
网址：www.jiatingshenghuo.com
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【附：英文原文】
Building Friendships With Your Young Children
Several years ago, we began construction on a new church building. In the beginning, the workmen dug a big pit in the ground and then they began to pour footings. Footings are cement piers upon which the entire building rests. They are crucial to the strength of the finished structure. After the foundation hole is dug, the footings must be poured quickly, before the composition of the soil is changed by the wind, air, or water.
In a similar way in these brief early years, parents of young children have the challenging job of laying the foundation that will support family friendships in later years. Here are eight "foundation builders" to help parents as they seek to cultivate strong friendships with their young children.
1. Hug them and praise them
Physical affection and verbal affirmation are necessary in laying a strong foundation for friendship. Hug, hug, hug. Even if you were not raised in a hugging family, hug your kids anyway. They need the warmth of physical contact and so do you. From gently rocking the tiny infant to hugging a preadolescent, physical touch communicates love and provides security. Encourage your kids to hug each other as well. Let them begin by holding a newborn brother or sister.
Say "I love you" and say it often. When we talk with our children, it's meaningful if we look them in the eyes. So squat down to their level when you truly want to communicate with them, and let them know that what you are saying to one another is important. Praise them for little things. "That was so nice when you complimented your brother for the pretty picture he drew." Praise them for big things. "You did such a good job helping me clean up."
2. See discipline as an asset
A young child will try to manipulate and be in charge. He will attempt to get his own way. While the child may not be consciously trying to control, this is what he is doing. A wise parent must not permit this to happen. Letting a child manipulate or control puts an awful, unfair burden on the child. Firm discipline relieves a child of this burden and builds respect for the parent. When a child respects his parents, he will also respect others.
Firm discipline and love aren't opposites, but today many well-meaning parents are unintentionally acting as if they are. Some of these parents have come from abusive homes in which the discipline was overwhelming or even cruel. To them any kind of discipline is abusive. In an effort to not repeat the mistakes of their parents, they have thrown out discipline and instead attempt to placate the child. There is no way you can reason with a strong-willed two-year-old. Your toddler must learn that "no" means "no" and not "maybe, if you fuss enough." If you want to build a friendship with your child, firm discipline is essential, especially in the early years.
3. Create traditions
Tradition and discipline are related, for tradition begins with a regularly scheduled event and the repetition, time after time, of that event. Discipline, too, is the repetition of many small acts until they become ingrained as part of the way in which a child relates to the world. Small children need a schedule—a routine. Schedules build confidence in children because they know what to expect and when to expect it.
A daily schedule with toddlers might be: breakfast with the parents, playtime alone, snack or lunch, nap, afternoon outing, playtime with a parent, dinner, storytelling, bedtime.
Schedules differ in each household, but the emphasis should always be on trying to have a daily routine. Sometimes this might not be possible, but as much as you can, set up a routine. Scheduling will make your life easier and will teach your children the benefits of discipline.
4. Cultivate laughter
One of the things I most want my children to remember is laughing together. As we learn to laugh at ourselves, we will help our children learn to laugh at themselves. Once I made a birthday cake from scratch for John. The flour had bugs in it and I used the wrong kind of oil. It was lopsided, sprinkled with bugs, and gross tasting. But he made the whole situation so funny that we all laughed and dubbed it "Mom's famous recipe—made once."
A boy was having a discussion with his mom about some of his relationships at school. He commented to her, "My friend is so funny. He makes everyone laugh and all the kids like him. I wish I were funny like that."
"Son," she responded, "we can't all be funny. Funny people need people like you to laugh at their humor. Your laughter is a gift to them."
Our humor should be positive and not filled with sarcasm. It's too easy to fall into a cynical, sarcastic type of humor that is destructive. Laugh at yourself and pray for a sense of humor in your home.
5. Stay close to teachers
Many elementary schools have parent-teacher conferences near the beginning of the year. This is a wonderful opportunity to get to know the teacher who will be influencing your child for the next school term.
Seek to build positive relationships with your child's teachers. Ask how you can be supportive of them. And let them know that you want them to call with any concerns they have about your child. Tell them you are interested not only in your child's academic development, but in his or her character development as well.
We once had a teacher phone us because she felt our twins were being unusually cliquey with certain friends while leaving others out. I appreciated her call, and we began to work together with the girls to overcome this tendency. It was a valuable learning experience for all.
Go on field trips with your child's class. One dad in our community tries to go on most of the field trips in which his kids participate. It enables him to be in their world, observing them with their friends, and it gives him a common interest with his kids.
6. Be where they are
The license plate said, "My Home." And that's the way many of us feel during the carpooling years—as if we live in the car. But that's not all bad. The car is a great place to listen to your children talk with their friends. You can hear things you would never hear when talking to them alone. The car pool can be a research lab if you take time to listen and ask good questions. You can learn who did the "baddest" thing and who spit at whom. You can discover who likes whom and what teacher is the "meanest." You can pick up on attitudes and trends, information that they are accumulating that is "right on," and misinformation that needs to be corrected.
When we take our children and other kids to a park and watch them interact, we get to know our own children and their friends in even more ways. Do our children initiate games or feel more comfortable following others? Do they like constant activity or quiet playtime? Are they risk takers or fearful when trying new things? Do they laugh easily or are they more serious?
Parents need to build friendships with their children's friends. In this way they come to truly understand their own children. It's not hard to build those friendships. Tell your daughter's friend you like her haircut. Ask your son's friend what his favorite sport is. Cheer for your children's friends and tell your children what you appreciate about their friends. (I appreciate the twins' friend Christina, who always smiles and gives me a hug.)
If you appreciate and work at getting to know your children's friends when they are young, the teenage years will be much easier. You will already know most of them and your children will be accustomed to having you relate with their friends.
7. Share your life with them
Children know that their parents are not always right. No one is. What they need is parents who are willing to be truthful and admit their mistakes. They need parents who recognize their own need for God.
Perhaps you grew up in a home where there was no spiritual training. As a result, it seems awkward to pray with your young children. Children can ask questions about spiritual matters that even Solomon might have had trouble answering. When you feel inadequate in answering their question or uncomfortable praying with them, simply be honest. Tell them that there is a lot you don't know yet. The two of you will have to try to find the answers together.
Another way to deepen communication with your children is to practice asking deeper questions:
"Can you tell me one thing that made you feel happy today?" "Joannie, if you had a friend who wanted to copy answers from your paper, what would you do?" "Why do you suppose God wanted people to 'remember the Sabbath'?"
8. Keep a long-range perspective
The construction left a big, muddy hole on our church grounds. It was ugly, it was yucky, and it was hard to imagine a beautiful new church building full of people singing glorious hymns on the site. Progress crawled. It rained and rained and no work could be done. Building materials were delayed, and when they did arrive, they were often the wrong materials or cut to the wrong dimensions. Finally, the project was progressing. Then, by mistake, someone drove a stake through a major pipe. Water poured out everywhere and the floor had to be redone. Discouragement came easily. The workers had to laugh, press on, and keep the final picture in mind.
Parents of young children sometimes feel much like those workers. We work and work and don't see much progress. Or make progress in one area and then have a setback in another. It's easy to lose our perspective and become discouraged. We have to remember that we are laying the foundation for a child's future life and friendships, and it can be a tedious process. Our children are tender shoots full of the promise of great things. As we gently train and steer them, we need a long-range perspective.
In a way, these early years are similar to taking out a savings bond. We put much into our children's lives, but we don't see much return on our initial investment for several years. In the same way we expect our monetary investments to pay off in the future, we have to remember we are building for our children's futures.
When we feel discouraged, we need to remember that our heavenly Father loves our children even more than we do, and He knows our shortcomings. He will gently train us as we train them, and we will all grow in mutual dependence upon Him.
Copyright 2004 by Susan Yates. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
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