你需要的 ▎基督徒恋爱原则（附英文原文）
①你和耶稣的关系是怎样的？
你和耶稣的关系是牢固、成熟，并且是持续成长的？你和耶稣的关系是否是优先于你生命中任何其他的关系？你的目标是遇到一个能和你在基督耶稣里一起成长的人吗？
② 你相信文化的谎言吗？
你是藉着圣经、圣灵和你虔敬的朋友寻找对伴侣选择的建议，还是从杂志、脱口秀、媒体、黄色书刊和属世的朋友那里寻找建议？对于那些在严肃的恋爱关系之前应该彻底悔改的罪和私欲，你是否仍然享受其中？
③ 你是否认为婚姻是为了圣洁而不是为了快乐？
有些人认为婚姻是为了使他们更完整，或是使他们更快乐，但他们通常会对婚姻感到沮丧。为什么？因为两个有罪的人结婚，必定会有挣扎和痛苦。明白婚姻有快乐的一面，但婚姻首要是为了我们的成圣的人，会带着更好的神学思考去结婚，并且能够更好地以靠着基督去爱和服侍他们的配偶。更多地思考“我们”而不是“我”。
假如我们和耶稣的关系健康，并且我们对婚姻的认识是符合圣经的，那么我们就准备好了去思考那些指引基督徒恋爱的基本原则。
接受这个事实：你正处在生命中的一个有一定自由和益处的阶段，而这个阶段在你结婚之后就不复存在了。这是一个好的时机专注于你的学业、提高你的神学装备、宣教、奉献自己的时间给教会、忠心工作来、并还清自己可能有的债务。总而言之，不要浪费了你的单身时光。
人们需要在某一个阶段好好地将自己的精力投入到寻找配偶之外的事情上。靠着基督弃绝自己的某些习惯性的罪（例如：看黄色网站刊物，或药物滥用上瘾），从一名新信徒或不成熟的信徒成长为成熟的信徒，或者开始承担作为一个成年人的责任。这些都是等待一个恋爱最佳时期的好原因。基本来说，直到人们能成熟地面对婚姻之后，他们才能进入一段严肃的恋爱关系，而在此之前，他们需要专注于在基督里成熟、长进。
我（作者）不支持单身基督徒为将来的配偶列一个很长的清单。事实上，很多这样的清单仅仅是偶像性质的，因为他们列的是寻求者的简历并他们喜欢的东西，好像婚姻的目标是为了找到和他们相似的人，而不是找和他们不同的、却能相互学习、一同服事的人。很少有男人去找一个丧夫的、破碎的、无家可归的、来自一个以乱伦著称的家族的、刚刚信主的、并有一个苦毒的婆婆伴随的女孩儿。但是她的名字叫做路得，而波阿斯能和她有一个充满祝福的婚姻，并且耶稣正是她的后裔。（见旧约《路得记》）
这条原则背后有数不清的原因。由于你不可和非基督徒结婚，那么在感情上陷进去是没有意义的，并且这种感情上的深陷只会导致罪或者心痛。由于耶稣在你生命中处于中心的位置，一个非基督徒将不会明白你真正是谁。因为你是顺服于圣经之下，而非信徒不是，那么你和那人之间的关系是没有一个权威仲裁你们之间的差异。一个非信徒和耶稣之间没有盟约，所以他/她和你就不在一个盟约关系的框架中。如果他/她不是基督徒，你就没有办法去处理那些能在你们俩中间作梗的罪，因为你们俩不是共同都相信耶稣为你们的罪受死的福音。的确，你可以和非基督徒产生非爱情性质的传福音的关系，但是如果总是单身的异性在这种情景里面，相互吸引的可能性就会很高。所以最好的办法是将这些非基督徒异性介绍给你的基督徒异性朋友，让你的基督徒异性朋友去跟他们形成这种传福音的关系。
对于一个没有单身呼召的基督徒来说，最终的目的不是有一个男朋友/女朋友，而是有一个配偶。一次和很多人同时陷入恋爱关系，并让他们为你的吸引力而相互争竞是一件很残忍的事情。而且，这种行为更多的是为了以后的犯奸淫做准备，而不是为契约中的婚姻做准备。
因为圣经反复在陈述丈夫应该是能够去爱家庭并带领家庭的头，任何的恋爱关系应该始于弟兄主动发起这种善意的、有尊重性的请求，希望有一个可以更好了解这个姊妹的机会。太多的基督徒男性太胆怯，他们需要敢于面对因为表白而可能出现的拒绝。如果姊妹对邀请（比如集体出游或是一起交流）的回应是拒绝，那么弟兄应该尊重她的决定。
太多的单身肢体忽略了他们教会中、生命中那些爱神的人，而去追寻某个不真实存在的人物。但上帝预备的配偶很多时候就在他们的眼前。尽管一个姊妹不能去追求弟兄，她可以有智慧的将自己放在他的面前。这正是在路得和波阿斯之间发生的故事。虽然在上帝的带领下，路得在波阿斯的地里面拾麦穗为生，但是波阿斯没有将她看作可能成为自己妻子的人。直到路得听了拿俄米的建议，她来到波阿斯所在的打麦场，在这里她没有去追求他，但是她主动出现在他的面前。最终的结果就是圣经中美好的爱情故事之一。（见旧约《路得记》）
当一个单身基督徒不去搜索那些在性上面犯罪的网站和聊天室，并且心清手洁活在神面前，那么通过网络遇到神所预备的那位是可以的。在现在的世界中，这样的科技可能会是神将人带在一起的一种办法。但在其中需要警醒的心和随时祷告寻求神的心意和带领。
这不是说寻找一个富有和性感的对象作为你的寻偶目标，真正的吸引必须为这个人的整体所吸引。想象一下你们的婚姻，你是否在思想上被他吸引，并享受和他聊天、向他学习的过程？你是否在灵性上被她和她对耶稣的爱所吸引？你们两个人对将来的生活方式是否有着相同的意见？你是否被她的正直和诚信所吸引，并能看到圣灵在她身上的动工？你是否在事工上被他所吸引，并欣赏他服侍上帝的心？
仅仅和一个基督徒结婚是不够的。为了你将来家庭的合一，你需要和对方在重要的事情上有同样的神学理解。对格蕾丝和我（作者）来说，这意味着我们同样同意圣经是神的话语，并且也是我们的最高权威；同意上帝是三位一体的神，并且耶稣作为无罪的代替我们有罪的人而死；同意改革宗的新教福音观点。我们的一致意见延伸到丈夫、妻子的家庭角色，如果没有这样的一致观点，我们将会有一个糟糕的婚姻。
我们都相信在基督里，丈夫要满有爱心，并甘愿舍己来带领整个家庭。孩子是上帝的祝福，在孩子们年幼的时候，妻子需要呆在家里教养孩子；我们也都认为只有合格的男性长老才能管理一个教会。如果我们对这些事情没有一致意见的话，即便我们都是基督徒，我们不可能一同建立生命。正是由于我们对重要和相对次要的神学见解有一致的意见，我们才能在家里更合一，因为我们是同盟不是敌人。
了解一个人很花时间。如果你很容易地将你的心交出去，你将会发现：你要么是过于急促地推进这段关系，人为的要使这段关系成功；要么是在这段关系出问题时伤透了心。想将你整颗心交出去是好事，但是你必须等到你在婚姻这个契约中再这样做，否则你就是在冒险，可能会出现心碎或其他的麻烦。
律法主义者爱在圣经之外，制定一系列的规则来管理男女之间的关系，但是这些规则是人为制造的，并且不必要。在提摩太前书5:1-2中，保罗教导单身基督徒男性对待单身基督徒女性要如同对待姐妹一样。因此，成年的弟兄姐妹之间彼此说话、享受相互陪伴的时光、偶尔一同吃个饭，这些单身基督徒分享时光和增进相互了解的方式，都不算是罪，这样他们了解对方是否和自己进入婚姻的人。
我（作者）认识一个约会律法主义者。她只在团体里面约会，这成为了她一直单身的原因之一。我认识一位先生，他认为和每一个基督徒女性的对话都应该是以结婚为目的，所以他每次都很早、很强势的提出婚姻的问题，现在仍然是单身。自由主义者爱把自己放置于上帝定下男女关系的规则之外，而他们这样做是“自己在当神”。以下是约会自由主义者的例子：
超越了身体接触的界限
和任何相信某个模糊的“神”的概念的人约会
不关心对方是否灵命成熟
晚上拥抱在一起睡觉，即便他们说没有发生性行为但是却超出了圣经中雅歌所说的界限：不要惊动，不要叫醒爱情直到婚姻的时候，并且将自己置身于巨大的试探中。
圣经上说：在你们之间一定不能有任何犯奸淫的迹象（由英文原文引用的经文直译）。保罗也在圣经其他处说过单身的男性不可和女性有任何性接触。真正的问题不是基督徒在性上面的界限在哪里，真正的问题是正确的时机在哪里。而时机就是在婚姻的契约之下。在那时之前，不可以有任何性行为发生。
作者：Mark Driscoll，翻译：sophia
（文章内容据中国现况有适当修改）
Mark和他的妻子
英文原文：
Questions to Ponder Before Dating：
Before considering the various ways in which a Christian should date, it is important to first repent of any sins and idols that are guiding our desires. Then we can be open to what God has for us, which is always best. Also, we have to keep in mind that from a Godly perspective, dating is the preparation for marriage, instead of simply finding a partner to avoid loneliness in one season of life. Therefore, a few questions are worthy of pondering here:
① First, how is your relationship with Jesus? Is that relationship strong, maturing, and growing, and is it your first priority above all other relationships? Is your goal to meet someone with whom you can grow in your relationship with Jesus?
② Second, are you believing cultural lies? Are you taking your cues not from Scripture, the Holy Spirit, and godly friends but from magazines, talk shows, the media, pornography, and godless acquaintances? Are you feeding sinful thoughts and desires that need to be repented of fully before you are fit for any serious Christian relationship?
③ Third, do you accept that marriage is for holiness before happiness? People who believe that marriage is meant to complete them or make them happy are invariably depressed in marriage. Why? Because when two sinners marry there will be struggles and pain. Those who rightly understand that marriage does have happiness but is first for our sanctification and holiness are in a much better theological frame of mind to marry and be able to lovingly serve their spouse and think more about we than me.
Once our relationship with Jesus is healthy and our view of marriage is biblical, we are ready to consider principles that are intended to guide Christian dating relationships.
Christian Dating Principles
01. Maximize your singleness for God. Accept that you’re in a season of life that affords some freedoms and benefits you will not have if and when you marry. It is a good season to finish your education, increase your theological knowledge, travel to serve in missions, give time to your church, work long hours to establish your career, and pay off any debt you may have accrued. In short, invest your single years in a way that they later pay a great return. Do not waste them.
02. Do not pursue a serious relationship until you are ready to marry. There are many reasons why people should, for a season, devote their energies to something other than finding a spouse. Getting biblical counseling to overcome a habitual sin such as pornography or substance abuse, maturing as a Christian if they are a new or immature convert, or taking on adult responsibilities are all good reasons to delay a serious relationship until a better season of life. Basically, until people are mature enough to marry, they should not be in a serious romantic relationship but should use their energies to mature.
03. Be reasonable. Do not set your expectations too high or too low. If you set your expectations too low, you may marry and be miserable, having made the biggest mistake of your life. If you set your expectations too high, you may never marry, or you may marry the person you think you want but who may not be the one God would consider best for you. I discourage Christian singles from having too long a list of what they are looking for in a spouse. The truth is that most of these lists are simply idolatrous because they are comprised of the seekers’ resume and what they like and do, as if the goal of marriage is to find someone just like them rather than someone different from them so that together they can learn to love and serve one another. Few men are looking for a widowed, broke, and homeless gal from a family noted for incest who is a recent convert with a bitter mother-in-law in tow. But her name is Ruth, and Boaz was blessed to marry her, and through her came Jesus. (See Ruth in the Old Testament)
04. Do not have any romantic relationship with someone who is a non-Christian. The reasons here are almost limitless. Since you cannot marry a non-Christian, getting emotionally involved is pointless and only leads to sin and/or heartache. Since Jesus is at the center of your life, a non-Christian will not even understand who you are. Because you submit to Scripture and unbelievers do not, your relationship with one has no court of arbitration in which to resolve your differences. An unbeliever is not in covenant with Jesus, so he or she has no covenantal framework for any relationship with you. If he or she is not a Christian, you have no means of dealing with sin that will come between the two of you, because you do not both believe in the gospel of Jesus’ death for your sin. Indeed, you can have non-romantic evangelistic relationships with non-Christians, but if the parties involved are single, the odds of attraction are high, and it is usually best to introduce the non-Christians to your Christian friends of the opposite gender so that an evangelistic relationship can form.
05. You should be in a romantic relationship with only one person at a time. Ultimately, the goal of a Christian not called to singleness is not to have a boyfriend or girlfriend but to have a spouse. It is cruel to date multiple people at one time, having them compete for your affections. Furthermore, it is better preparation for adultery than it is for covenant marriage.
06. He should initiate and she should respond. Because the Bible repeatedly states that the husband is to be the loving and leading head of the family, any romantic relationship should begin with the man taking initiative to kindly and respectfully request an opportunity to get to know the woman better. Too many Christian men are too timid and need to have more courage to risk rejection in their pursuit of a wife. Any woman who is not interested in, say, a group outing or a cup of coffee need simply say no, and the man should respect that answer.
07. You need to look at who God puts in front of you. Too many singles are looking over people in their church and life who do love God in pursuit of a mythical person, who does not exist. Yet, in God’s providence, good potential spouses are right in front of them. Furthermore, while a woman should not chase a man, she can wisely put herself in front of him. This is precisely what happened in the story of Ruth and Boaz. Although God providentially put Ruth at work gleaning for food in the field of Boaz, Boaz did not consider her a potential wife until Ruth took the counsel of the older woman Naomi and came to Boaz at the field, where she did not chase him but did get in his way. The result? One of the greatest love stories in the Bible. (See Ruth in the Old Testament)
08. Feel free to use technology wisely. While a Christian single should be careful not to troll Web sites and chat rooms where sexual sin is encouraged, there is nothing wrong with using online dating services. In the world of social networking, it is simply a new way for God’s providence to bring people together. Some Christians retain a stigma about compatibility surveys and Internet Christian-dating sites, but they should not. Many singles attend churches where there are few possible spouses, and with the confusion and perversion that persists in the greater culture, they should not feel bad for using technology to find someone who loves Jesus and with whom they are compatible.
09. Invest in a romantic relationship only with someone you are entirely attracted to. This means more than the usual goal of finding someone rich and hot; attraction must be to the whole person. Are you sufficiently physically attracted to envision marriage to that person? Are you mentally attracted to him and enjoy talking with and learning from him? Are you spiritually attracted to her and her love for Jesus? Are you financially attracted to him so that you both agree on what lifestyle you will have (even if he may not be rich)? Are you “integrity attracted” to her and can see the Holy Spirit at work through her character? Are you “ministry attracted” to him and appreciate how he serves God in his ministry?
10. Only date someone who agrees with you on primary theological issues. It is not enough simply to marry a Christian. For the sake of peace and unity in your home, you need to have the same theological convictions on primary issues. For Grace and me, this means we agree on the Bible as God’s Word and our highest authority; we agree that God is Trinity and that Jesus died as our sinless God in our place for our sins; we agree on a Reformed Protestant view of the gospel. Our agreement extends to gender and family roles, and without this we would have an acrimonious marriage. We both believe that the husband is called to lovingly and sacrificially lead the family, that children are a blessing, that the wife should stay home with the children when they are young, and that solely qualified male elders should govern a church. If we disagreed on these things, even though we are Christians, we would not be able to build a life together. We would disagree on the blueprint and spend our time fighting over which one of us is right. As it is, there is great peace, unity, and cooperation in our home because we agree on primary and secondary theological issues, and as a result we are allies, not enemies.
11. Guard your heart. Getting to know someone takes time. If you give your heart away too quickly, you will find yourself either pushing to make the relationship work or being heartbroken when it falls apart. It is good to want to give your whole heart away. However, you must wait until you are in the covenant of marriage to do so, or you risk lots of heartache and trouble.
12. Be careful of legalism and libertinism. Legalists love to make lots of rules in addition to what’s found in Scripture to govern male-female relationships, but they are simply man-made and unnecessary. In 1 Timothy 5:1–2, Paul tells Christian single men to treat Christian single women like sisters. Thus, since adult brothers and sisters talk to one another, enjoy one another’s company, and occasionally enjoy a meal together, it is not a sin for two single Christians to enjoy time together, getting to know one another, so that they can see if there is the possibility of a more serious relationship that leads to courtship and marriage. I know a dating legalist. She is a woman who would date only in groups, and as a result no man ever got to speak with her one-on-one, which explains, in part, why she is still single. I know a man who considers the purpose of every conversation with every Christian woman to be courtship, so that he comes off way too strong way too early and likewise remains single. Libertines love to make themselves the exception to God’s rules that govern male-female relationships, and in so doing act like their own god. Examples of dating libertines include:
Those who cross physical boundaries
Those who will date anyone who believes in some nebulous “god.”
Those who fail to care about finding evidences of spiritual maturity in a potential mate.
And those who have snuggle sleepovers that they swear include no sexual activity but are beyond the scriptural bounds of the Song of Solomon, which repeatedly tells us not to arouse or awaken love until the time of marriage.
13. Do not have any sexual contact until marriage. The Bible says, “Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality.” Paul says elsewhere that a single man should not touch any woman in any sexual way. The issue is not where the line is, but, as Song of Solomon often says, when the time is. That time is the covenant of marriage. Until then, the New Testament repeatedly says to avoid perinea, that junk-drawer term for all kinds of sexual sin.
(document is modified according to the Chinese culture)
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