如何培养出一个不会成为强奸犯的儿子？
LILLI CARRÉ
（本文发表于时报观点与评论版面，作者是Moises Velasquez-Manoff）
Once when I was a teenager, my mother called me from the mall because a man was masturbating in the parking lot she needed to walk through to get home. Could I come get her?
十来岁的时候，有一次母亲从商场打电话给我，说她在回家必经的停车场看到一个男人自慰。让我去找她。
My mother was small, but not easily intimidated. I had seen her tell off leering men in forceful Puerto Rican Spanish. So if she was asking, it was because she was worried. I picked my scrawny self up and, burning with impotent rage, went to chaperone her home.
母亲身材不高，但是并不容易被吓倒。我曾见过她用强硬的波多黎各西班牙语斥责一个色眯眯盯着她的男人。所以如果她叫我过去，肯定是因为她真的很担心。瘦骨如柴的我鼓起勇气，借着一股无能为力的怒火，赶去陪她回家。
That’s a long way of saying that I’m not terribly surprised by what #MeToo has revealed. If you have a mother or a girlfriend or eyes, it’s hard not to be aware of the aggressive entitlement that many men feel toward women’s bodies.
说那么多，只是为了表示，我对#MeToo（我也是）运动所暴露出的东西并不感到特别惊讶。如果你有母亲或是女朋友，如果你长了眼睛，很难不会感觉到，许多男人都感觉他们有权侵犯女性的身体。
Most men are not, I’d wager, serial harassers or rapists. But problematic male behavior seems widespread enough that it suggests our conception of masculinity is flawed. I have a beautiful young son now, and I wonder: How can I instill in him a code that prevents him from becoming a groper or harasser? How do I raise a man who will never be a rapist?
我敢说大多数男人不是连续骚扰者或强奸犯。但有问题的男性行为似乎普遍存在，这表明我们的男性气质概念是有缺陷的。我有一个漂亮的小男孩，我想知道：我怎么能往他体内输入一个代码，防止他成为猥亵者或骚扰者？我该怎样才能培养出一个永远不会成为强奸犯的男人？
There are problem guys who are simply clueless — who misread cues and think that their victims enjoy what they’re doing. Presumably education can change them for the better. Worse are those who don’t care what their victims want or feel, or those who, because they’re the boss or just a bigger, scarier human being, coerce others and actually relish the coercion.
有些有问题的男人只是无知——他们误解了对方的暗示，还认为受害者喜欢他们所做的事情。教育大致可以令他们有所改善。更糟糕的是那些不在乎受害者想法或感受的人；或者那些只因为自己是老板，或者因为自己体格壮实、令人生畏，便去强迫他人，并且乐在其中的人。
For these men, it is precisely the power imbalance that’s erotic. And to fix that, you have to change male sexuality. I think of this as eroticizing reciprocity, and it goes beyond enthusiastic consent. Men need to be aroused by the fact that women are aroused. They need to like the fact that women are into whatever they’re doing. (And of course the same rules apply to same-sex relationships.)
对于这些男人来说，勾起色欲的恰恰是权力不平衡。为了解决这个问题，你必须改变男性的性爱好。我认为这是性爱的互惠，它不止于热情的性同意。男人应该因为女性的性兴奋而感到性兴奋。他们应该乐于看到女人喜欢他们正在做的事情。（当然，同样的规则也适用于同性关系。）
One impediment to this project is power itself. Plenty of research suggests that power has a corrosive effect on the psyche. In experiments, the powerful lose some ability to empathize with others. They’re more likely to behave inappropriately, and quicker to take candy from children. Powerful men also think that women are more attracted to them than they are.
这种做法的障碍是权力本身。大量研究表明，权力对心灵具有腐蚀作用。在实验中，强者失去了一些与他人共情的能力。他们更可能表现出不适当的行为，并且更快从其他孩子手中拿走糖果。掌握权力的男人也会过高估计自己在女人眼中的魅力。
Dacher Keltner, a researcher at U.C. Berkeley, calls this “the banality of Harvey Weinstein.” As a diagnosis, it indicts the system, implying that social structures corrupt the people inhabiting them. And it suggests that having more women in power could reduce men’s predatory behavior.
加州大学伯克利分校(U.C. Berkeley)研究员达克·凯尔特纳(Dacher Keltner)称之为“哈维·韦恩斯坦(Harvey Weinstein)式俗套”。作为一种诊断，它控诉了体制，暗示社会结构腐蚀了寓居其中的人们。这种观点还认为，让更多的女性掌权可以减少男性的侵犯行为。
But it doesn’t explain why even men outside defined power structures — the catcaller on the street corner, for instance — feel like they have the right to impinge on women. They aren’t necessarily “deviants,” as Michael Kimmel, the executive director of the Center for the Study of Men and Masculinities at Stony Brook University in New York, points out. They’re “overconforming” to common, if exaggerated, notions of masculinity. They’re doing a five-star rendition of what they think manhood requires.
但这并不能解释为什么就连置身权力结构之外的男人——比如在街角对女人吹口哨、品头评足的人——也觉得自己有权侵犯女人。纽约石溪大学(Stony Brook University)男性和男性气质研究中心的执行主任迈克尔·基梅尔(Michael Kimmel)指出，他们并不一定是“异常者”。他们“过于遵守”普通的——有些夸大的——男性概念。他们正在全力演绎自己心目中对男子气概的要求。
That assessment is both comforting (all we have to do is change the definition of masculinity) and unnerving (masculinity requires that you do what?).
这种评估既令人欣慰（我们要做的就是改变男性气质的定义），也令人不安（这居然是男性气质要求你们去做的事情？）。
Two decades ago, the psychologist William Pollack wrote that boys start out sensitive but through a “shame-hardening process” — told to stop crying, to be a man — they learn to hide what they really feel. And if they don’t know or understand their own feelings, how can they care about anyone else’s?
二十年前，心理学家威廉·波拉克(William Pollack)写道，男孩一开始都很敏感，但通过“羞耻-强化过程”——被告知不要哭泣，要做真正的男人——他们开始学会隐藏自己的真实感受。如果他们不知道或者不理解自己的感受，又怎么能去关心他人的感受呢？
This has become something of a cliché. And the truth is, there’s no single culture of boys, but many. In my memories of adolescence, beneath the constant ribbing and occasional pyromania, we had tremendous affection for one another. And we longed to connect with women with an intensity that was difficult to contemplate.
这种说法已成为陈词滥调。事实是，男孩文化不是单一的，而是多种多样的。回忆起我的青春期，通过经常打趣和偶尔的狂热，我们和女孩们之间产生了强烈的喜爱之情。我们渴望以一种难以想象的激情同女性接触。
But what the critique gets right is that early on, we learn to wear masks. As a father, the most obvious way to address this is by example: Take off your mask. Don’t shame your son. Treat women well. From a list by the actress Nicole Stamp come more concrete recommendations: Don’t use gendered insults; don’t call her “sweetie”; and when other guys demean women, tell them to knock it off.
但是这种评论的正确之处在于，我们的确是早早就学会了戴上面具。作为父亲，解决这个问题最明确的方式就是以身作则：摘掉面具。不要羞辱你的儿子。善待女性。从演员妮可·斯坦普(Nicole Stamp)的列表中可以看到更具体的建议：不要使用带有性别意味的侮辱；不要管她叫“甜心”；当其他男人贬低女性时，告诉他们不要那样。
But just modeling a better man is not enough. You also have to talk to your sons (and daughters) about what a healthy relationship looks like. Sarah Edwards, an assistant professor of psychology at Minnesota State University, told me that discussing “gray zones” — times when explicit consent hasn’t been given — was important, because that’s often when assaults happen. Her research suggests that men may not even know they’ve done something wrong.
但只树立一个更好的男性榜样还不够。你还必须和儿子（以及女儿）谈谈健康的亲密关系应当是什么样子。明尼苏达州立大学(Minnesota State University)心理学助理教授莎拉·爱德华兹(Sarah Edwards)告诉我，讨论“灰色地带”——双方没有明确表示同意的时候——非常重要，因为性侵事件通常就发生在这样的时候。她的研究表明，男人甚至可能不知道自己正在做错事。
According to a survey of 3,000 18- to 25-year-olds by Harvard’s Making Caring Common Project, we are failing horribly at this task. Eighty-seven percent of the young women said they had been sexually harassed. And three-quarters of respondents said they’d never talked with their parents about how to avoid harassing others. Richard Weissbourd, who led the study, said this revealed a “dumbfounding abdication of responsibility.”
根据哈佛大学的普施关爱项目(Making Caring Common Project)对3000名18到25岁青年的调查，我们远远未能完成这项任务。87%的年轻女性表示她们遭受过性骚扰。四分之三的受访者表示，他们从未与父母谈过如何避免骚扰他人。领导这项研究的理查德·韦斯布尔德(Richard Weissbourd)说，这揭示了“惊人的失职。”
Little data exists on whether kids actually listen to what their parents say, he concedes, but if you don’t talk to your children, he argues, they’re left to absorb norms from, most likely, pornography. And what boys learn from porn is that men must dominate and that women like it that way — neither of which is necessarily true.
他承认，几乎没有数据可以证明孩子们是否真的能够听进父母说的话，但是，如果你不和孩子们对话，他们很可能就只能从色情制品中学习规范。而男孩从色情制品中学到的是：男人必须占支配地位，而女人喜欢这样——二者都不一定对。
Lots of things impede us from having these talks: We’re embarrassed by sex; dads may even be ashamed by things they’ve done; moms may be triggered by recalling their own experiences. But we must get specific, Mr. Weissbourd says. Telling boys to respect women isn’t enough. Explain that catcalling isn’t all right; having sex with someone who’s drunk is not O.K.; women probably don’t enjoy having men ejaculate in their face, and so on.
许多事情阻碍了我们进行这些对话：我们对性感到尴尬；爸爸们甚至可能因为他们做过的事情而感到惭愧；妈妈们可能会回想起自己的经历。但韦斯布尔德说，我们必须进行详尽的交谈。仅仅告诉男孩要尊重女人是不够的。要向他们解释，在街角对女人吹口哨是不对的；同醉酒的人发生性关系是不好的；女人可能不喜欢男人把精液射在她们脸上，等等。
His larger point is that many men’s need for self-aggrandizement, for confirmation about our prowess — what he called the “narcissism of male desire” — shows just how fragile the construct of manhood can be. He blames this on the shaming that goes into making men “manly.” It produces brittle people in constant need of shoring up.
他更重要的观点是，很多男性需要自我强大，证实我们的非凡能力——他称之为“男性欲望的自恋”——这恰恰表明男性气质的构想是多么脆弱。他把这归咎于让男人变得“有男子气概”的羞辱。羞辱会让脆弱的人不断想得到支持。
It is surely little solace to the many women who have been harassed and worse, but men are also hurt by their concepts of masculinity. Rewiring male sexuality shouldn’t be seen as another attack on beleaguered men — the Trumpian interpretation — but as a step toward their own emancipation. As the educator Tony Porter says, “My liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman.”
这肯定不会对很多有过被骚扰或更糟糕的经历的女性起到安慰作用，但男性概念也会伤害男性自己。改变男性的性喜好，不应被视作是对饱受指责的男性发起又一次攻击——特朗普式的解读——而是向他们自己的解放迈出的一步。正如教育工作者托尼·波特(Tony Porter)所说，“我作为男性的解放和你作为女性的解放息息相关。”
We know what to tell boys not to do, but what about telling them what they should do?
我们知道该告诉男孩子不要做什么，但告诉他们应该做什么呢？
Jackson Katz, the author of “The Macho Paradox,” offered one idea. He has his 16-year-old son read lots of young adult novels. The idea is to expose boys to a language for talking about feelings — to help make them “relationally and emotionally literate.”
《男子气概悖论》(The Macho Paradox)的作者杰克逊·卡茨(Jackson Katz)有个主意。他说他16岁的儿子看了大量青年小说。他的想法是让男孩子接触一门讨论感情的语言，促使他们“通晓亲密关系和情感”。
Dr. Kimmel, from the Center for the Study of Men and Masculinities, also recommended encouraging boys to have cross-sex friendships. That’s one way they learn to see girls as people, not objects. It also helps to be able to talk with friends who are not undergoing the “hardening” process boys are subjected to.
男性和男性气质研究中心的基梅尔也建议鼓励男孩与异性交朋友。这是他们学习把女孩看作是人而不是物体的一种方式。和那些没有经历过男孩“强化”过程的朋友交谈也是有帮助的。
Finally, we need to teach boys to handle rejection with grace. Tell them about the time the girl you were smitten with dumped you for that guitarist. Tell them about the woman in college who suddenly pulled away from your kiss.
最后，我们必须教育男孩大度地处理被拒绝。告诉他们你迷恋的姑娘为了一个吉他手而甩了你的事情，和他们讲讲你上大学时，一个女人是怎样突然躲开了你的亲吻。
Teach them that good men handle the hurt and confusion of being rebuffed without lashing out — that being a man is not about dominating and getting your way. And share with them the times you fell short of this and other standards, and how much you regretted it.
教导他们，优秀的男人在面对伤害和断然拒绝所带来的困惑时，绝不会出口伤人，做一个男人不意味着支配他人和随心所欲。和他们分享你没有做到这一点，或者没有达到其他标准的经历，以及你多么后悔。
There is, of course, the argument that “boys will be boys” — that this warm-and-fuzzy stuff is nonsense because men are hard-wired to be aggressive and uncaring. There are clearly biological differences between men and women. We’re generally bigger and stronger. We have more testosterone, which arguably spurs aggression. Most murders are committed by men.
当然，有一个说法是“男孩终归是男孩”，那些温柔愉快的念头简直是无稽之谈，因为男性天生就冷漠好斗。男女之间显然有生理差异。我们总体上块头更大，体格更壮实。我们分泌的睾丸酮更多，这可以说会促使我们更加好斗。大部分杀人案的凶手都是男性。
But whatever our urges, humans are moral beings. Our ability to modify our behavior is also what makes us human. Don’t kill. Don’t steal. We internalize these rules and adhere to them for the sake of social harmony. These norms change, because we change them.
但无论我们的欲望是什么，人类是道德动物。我们有调整自身行为的能力，这也是我们之所以成为人类的原因。不杀戮。不偷窃。我们把这些规则内化为自己的一部分，并且为了社会和谐而坚守这些规则。这些规范也在发生变化，那是因为我们改变了它们。
In the big picture, what’s remarkable about human males compared with our great ape relatives isn’t our violent nature but the amount of time we spend helping with children and how well we cooperate with others. Some anthropologists argue that during the Paleolithic — the long stretch of time during which evolution shaped us roughly into what we are today — men and women probably had egalitarian relationships. Why? Because egalitarianism reduces conflict, permitting larger social networks, which in turn allow useful knowledge to arise and spread more efficiently.
整体而言，同我们的类人猿亲戚相比，人类男性的非凡之处不是我们的暴力本性，而是我们花在帮助孩子上的时间，以及我们可以同他人密切合作。一些人类学家认为，在旧石器时代——就在这个漫长的时期里，进化把我们大致塑造成了现在的样子——男女之间可能是平等的关系。为什么？因为人人平等可以减少冲突，让更广泛的社交网络成为可能，社交网络反过来制造有用的知识，并且更加高效地传播。
In other words, humanity’s success may stem in part from the fact that men are more “feminine” than we care to admit. We just need to remember how to act that way.
换句话说，人类的成功可能在一定程度上源于男性比我们愿意承认的更加“女性化”。我们只需要记得该怎么做就行了。
Moises Velasquez-Manoff是一名观点作者，著有《缺失的流行病：解读过敏症和自身免疫性疾病的新方法》(A New Way of Understanding Allergies and Autoimmune Disease)。
翻译：晋其角
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