Lean In作者新书Option B：治疗难过的10粒药丸

书名：Option B

作者:  Sheryl Sandberg, Adam Grant

内容：如何面对困境，走出困境

语言：自然流畅，难度较低，表达比较口语化。我们可以从中学习一些实用表达，学习如何用plain English把一件事情写清楚。

本文来自读书会学友如是

一场意外，Facebook的首席运营官、Lean In的作者Sheryl Sandberg永远地失去了挚爱的丈夫Dave Goldberg。两年后，在好友兼心理治疗师Adam Grant的帮助下，Sheryl写下Option B，分享自己在失去伴侣后，努力走出沉痛打击的心路历程。

这是一本让人心情沉重的书，也是一本能给你启迪的书。Sheryl坦诚地分享了自己的内心想法，并加入了大量他人面对逆境的例子，从十个角度入手，讲述了在面对人生的逆境不幸时，如何重新找到生活的快乐和意义。

1. Breathing Again

Question：什么会阻碍我们摆脱痛苦？我们应该怎么做？

当我们遭遇不幸的时候，有三个心理因素会阻碍我们的恢复：

a. Personalization (the belief that we are at fault)我们会倾向于自责，认为是自身的原因造成这一切

b. Pervasiveness（the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life）我们会让痛苦弥散到生活的每个方面，认为所有的一切都糟糕透了

c.  Permanence（the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever）我们会认为悲剧会如鬼魅一般如影如随跟着这一生，再也无法摆脱

Solution：

针对这三点我们可以做出以下行动：

• 首先，尽量不要用强化负面情绪的表达，如”I’m sorry”、”I apologize”(signs of personalization)或者“never”、”always”(signs of permanence)

• 其次，可以尝试一种基于认知心理学的行为治疗方法（a cognitive behavioral therapy technique）：写下你认为导致的痛苦的信念，然后用事实证明这不是真的（you write down a belief that’s causing you anguish and then follow it with proof that the belief is false）

•  再次，想象最糟糕的情景（focusing on worst-case scenarios），我们往往会强迫自己去想象生活的美好的、积极的事物，其实，去想象人生究竟能有多惨也是非常有帮助的（it was a good idea to think about how much worse things could be），这样你升起感激之心，原来命运对你并非你想象的那么苛责。

2. Kicking the Elephant Out of the Room

Question：我们是否要回避痛苦的话题？

心理学有“Mum Effect” (People hesitate to ask questions out of concern that probing will dredge up trauma)理论，即人们总是不愿意谈论不好的事件，担心这样会刺激到身处悲剧中的人，但实际上悲剧就像房间里的大象，不会因为故意视而不见就能否定它的存在。而且，处于不幸中的人是很希望能够和其他人谈论这一切的（Even people who have endured the worst suffering often want to talk about it）。

Solution：

不要回避痛苦。回避感受不等于保护自己的感受（Avoiding feelings isn’t the same as protecting feelings），相反人们喜欢去分享自己的感受。悲伤的人需要能让你开口的opener，而不是non-question-asking friends。 

Openers ask a lot of questions and listen to the answers without judging. They enjoy learning about and feeling connected to others. Openers can make a big difference in times of crisis, especially for those who are normally reticent.

结识同境遇的人，相互倾述。Opener未必一定是自己的朋友，人们更乐于和遭遇相同打击的人倾述(people who have faced adversity tend to express more compassion toward others who are suffering)。因为只有境遇相似的人才最能够感同身受。而且也只有和同境遇的人交流才会让我们意识到我们这些痛苦这些想法都是正常的。“The two thing we want to know when we’re in pain are that we’re not crazy to feel the way we do and that we have support.”

3. The Platinum Rule of Friendship

Question：当身边的亲人或朋友遭遇不幸，我们该怎么做呢？

When people close to us face adversity, how do we give them a button to press? 我们往往很纠结，一方面想提供帮助，另一方面又怕言行不当加剧对方的痛苦。

There are barriers that block us. There are two different emotional responses to the pain of others： empathy, which motivates us to help, and distress, which motivates us to avoid.

Solution：

让处于痛苦的朋友知道你一直在他们的身边，关心他们，随时愿意提供帮助，这一点比任何都重要。 What we learn from the stress experiment is that the button didn’t need to stop the noise to relieve the pressure. Simply showing up for a friend can make a huge difference.

每个人都是不一样的，按照朋友的意愿去帮助他。交友有个黄金原则，就是“你想别人怎么待你，你就怎么对待别人”。（Golden Rule: treat others as you want to be treated.）但实际上还有一个更好的铂金原则， 就是“用别人希望的方式去对待他们”。（Platinum Rule: treat others as they want to be treated.）

不要泛泛地问“有什么我可以帮助的么”，而是做出具体的行动提供实际的帮助。很多时候，当事人并不愿意主动开口求助，所以细心体会对方的处境，提供具体帮助的行为。Specific acts help because instead of trying to fix the problem, they address the damage caused y the problem.

4. Self-Compassion and Self-Confidence

Question：在处于人生低谷时，我们应该怎么对待自己？

Solution：

自我同情self-compassion。自我同情(self-compassion)不等于自怨自艾(self-pity)和自我放纵(self-indulgence)，而是将我们会给予朋友的善意也同样给自己。面对铸成大错的自己，不是批评和羞辱，而是关切和理解。It allows us to respond to our own errors with concern and understanding rather than criticism and shame. 负罪感(guilt)和羞耻感(shame)是不一样的，认识到错误会让你不断精进以求改正，而后者只会让你沉沦和自暴自弃。

自信self-confidence。 创伤会让我们怀疑人生，而自信的丧失会让自我怀疑和否定弥漫到生活中的方方面面。 Trauma can also lead to self-doubt in all aspects of our lives. This loss of confidence is another symptom of pervasiveness: we are struggling in one area and suddenly we stop believing in our capabilities in other areas. 如何重拾自信？将你的关注点聚焦到你所作出的贡献上，这可以帮助你看到自己人生的意义和价值。Counting our blessings doesn’t boost our confidence or our effort, but counting our contributions can.

5. Bouncing Forward

Question：最好的结果是不是就是努力回到悲剧前的状态？

面对悲剧，通常有两种结果，一是遭遇创伤后应激障碍（post-traumatic stress disorder，简称为PTSD）；二是复原恢复到悲剧前的状态。很多人都认为第二个结果就是最理想的，但作者指出，最好的结果是第三种：在悲剧中成长。Now there was a third possibility: people who suffered could bounce forward.

Solution：

• 找到自我内心的力量finding personal strength。请牢记“所以不能将你彻底击垮的不幸都会让你变得更加强大”，”what does not kill me makes me stronger.”

• 让内心充满感激gaining appreciation

• 建立深层的联系forming deeper relationships。创伤会加强人的信仰，而有着强大信仰的人反而更加容易复原甚至进一步成长。

• 挖掘生命中更多的意义Discovering more meaning in life

• 看到生命中新的可能Seeing new possibilities

6. Taking Back Joy

Question：是什么让我们在不幸后很难再开心起来？应该怎么办？

悲剧（尤其是亲人去世）后，我们会有一种深深的“幸存者内疚感(Survivor guilt)”，因为我们活下来了。而这种内疚感会不允许我们重新开心起来，仿佛开心是对逝者的背叛。“我最爱的人已经不在了，我那里还有资格开心呢？” 

Survivor guilt is a thief of joy—yet another secondary lose from death. When people lose a loved one, they are not just wracked with grief but also with remorse. It’s another personalization trap.

Solution:

摆脱内疚，开心有理: It is okay to push through the guilt and seek joy. Having fun is a form of self-compassion. Seeking joy after facing adversity is taking back what was stolen from you.

关注生命中的快乐并记录下来。当我们寻找快乐的时候，总是倾向于重大事件，实际上快乐存在于生活中的点点滴滴中。When we look for joy, we often focus on the big moments. Graduating from school. But happiness is the frequency of positive experiences, not the intensity. 

如何锻炼从点滴中寻找快乐的能力呢？每天记录三个让你开心的时刻，这个习惯会让你的生命有了光亮。

Write down three moments of joy every day. It’s a habit that brightens the whole day. Just as labeling negative emotions can help us process them, labeling positive emotions works too.

7. Raising Resilient Kids

Question：如何培养复原力强的孩子？

Solution：

一个人的恢复力不是固定的人格特质，而是可以不断培养的特性。Resilience is not a fixed personality trait. It’s a lifelong project. 对于孩子，我们可以从以下四个核心信念(core belief)入手来培养他们的恢复力。

• “我可以控制自己。”They have some control over their lives.

• “我可以从错误中学习。” They can learn from failure.

• “作为一个人，我是有价值的。” They matter as human beings.

• “我有力量可以自我依靠和帮助他人的。” they have real strengths to rely on and share.

8. Finding Strength Together

Question：救助小组有用么？一个人独自疗伤，和一群人一起疗伤，哪一个效果更好？

Solution：

集体性的恢复(collective resilience)会建立人和人之间的深层联结，从而让我们更有力量去对抗不幸。Resilience is not just built in individuals. When we build resilience together, we become stronger ourselves that can overcome obstacles and prevent adversity.

结识其他遭遇相似的人，尤其是那些已经开始从不幸中复原的人，会让我们明白我们不会永远陷入悲伤中。

Meeting other people who were farther along in the same journey helped us overcome permanence by showing us that we wouldn’t be stuck in the void of acute grief forever.

9. Failing and Learning at Work

Question：公司也需要恢复力么？如何培养公司的恢复力？

Solution：

所有的公司均需要恢复力。The resilience is needed in organizations of all sizes. 开通批评通道，允许所有人自由对公司提建议。When its safe to talk about mistakes, people are more likely to report errors and less likely to make them. 只有这样，公司才可以得到更多的反馈，也才能发展的更好。Being open to criticism means you get even more feedback, which makes you better.

10. To Love and Laugh Again

Question：失去挚爱的人还有资格重新获得爱么？

Solution：

• 重新寻找爱是摆脱伤痛的一个极好方式。Love is the third rail of grief. 每个人都不要轻易放弃自己爱和快乐的权利。

• 用幽默来对抗不幸，让自己更好恢复。Humor can make us more resilient.

• 不要让悲剧影响我们的一生，而要让恢复力终身陪伴我们。Tragedy does not have to be personal, pervasive, or permanent, but resilience can be. We can build in and carry it with us throughout our live.

当人生的最优Option A已经不再可能时，我们只有尽最大可能走好Option B。