孩子生病时的7个墨菲定律

作者：Love Barnett

来源：scarymommy.com

翻译：家长大学

1.孩子一定会把病菌带回家，再传染给每个人。

孩子回家病了，你想让他隔离，避免传染给其他人？呵呵，图样图森破。用不了几天，他就会把病菌传染给家里其他孩子，孩子他爹，以及你们家小狗。

1. Kids will share their nasty brought-home-from-school germs with everyone in the whole house.Don’t even bother trying to quarantine your kid from his siblings when he comes home sick. It might be the next day, or three days from now, but he will give it to all of his siblings, his dad (hello world ending), and probably the dog, too.

2.大家（就是上面提到的所有人和狗）都好了，你就该病了。

你难以抗拒，又无法避免，这就是命！你的命就是：病了还得继续做饭、擦地、带孩子、哄人家开心，而且谁都不会觉得你在生病难受，因为妈妈是永远不会生病的人！

2. Just when everyone is getting better (see above), you will get sick.It’s inevitable. It’s also too damn bad. You will continue to cook, clean, nurture, and entertain your family who doesn’t give a shit how sick you are. Because moms? Cannever really get sick again.

3.怕什么来什么，孩子总在你最不方便的时候生病。

当你正美美地坐在发型店里烫头发，破天荒头一回想要捯饬下自己时，电话响了！老师在那头说，孩子在学校吐了，玩游戏时还吐了同学一身一脸。

当你兴奋地站在大学教务处，正眼含热泪，感慨毕业多年又重回校园时，电话响了！幼儿园校医说，你儿子发高烧，最好马上接回家。

回公司上班的第三天，当时你正和新客户开会谈一笔大生意，没错，前台跑来说有你的电话！托儿所头虱爆发，你得马上现在立刻把小公主接回家，顺便在路上给她买点药。

事实是，当你穿着睡衣闲晃、收衣服、无聊追剧时，熊孩子永远不会病！

3. Your child will get sick at the most inconvenient time possible. Sitting with your head under the dryer at the salon, getting the first highlights you’ve had in eleven years? Your phone is ringing and it’s the school, telling you that your baby just puked all over the kid next to her during Show-and-Tell. Sitting in the dean’s office, working on finally getting re-admitted into college? That’s your phone and it’s the school nurse, informing you that your son is running a fever and you need to come get him right now. Third day back in the workforce and in a meeting with a new client? Yep. That’s the receptionist paging you with the daycare administrator on the line to let you know that there’s been a lice outbreak, and you need to come get your princess right now and stop by the pharmacy on the way home. Your kid will never get sick when you’re sitting around in your pjs folding laundry and watching Netflix.

4.很难做的决定，总是错误决定。

“到底去不去幼儿园呢，还是让孩子在家歇两天呢？”你正纠结着，忽然瞧见你家楚楚可怜的天使宝宝正被病痛折磨得奄奄一息，难受得不要不要的……这必须在家啊，咱是亲生的！

但是一个小时后，你会发现家里有个像野兽一样四处乱跑，嗷嗷乱叫，精力充沛，驷马难追，上蹿下跳，根本特么停不下来的小！疯！子！没错，是咱亲生的！

4. You will always make the wrong judgment call.Though your precious cherub is acting as if she’s dying when it’s time to make the decision to either go to school or stay home, an hour later she will exhibit a miraculous recovery and bounce all over the house like a possessed jumping bean.

5. 有些孩子爱吃药，有些人家还养独角兽呢。

那都是别人家。说出来全是泪，当你给自己的小天使喂药时，他就像看见毒药一样，对你拳打脚踢，嚎得撕心裂肺。

就算你能把药成功喂到孩子喉咙后面的准确位置，(事实证明你有机会成功，只是成功的机率大约在万分之一吧)，但是很可能一转眼，他就把药吐了。

他不光吐，还会吐在自己身上，你身上、地板上，反正家里到处都是药就对了。你觉得你很聪明，你悄悄把药拌在她爱喝的饮料、酸奶或布丁里，哈……别高兴太早，成功一次意味着不会成功第二次，熊孩子比猴还精呢。

5. Some kids do not mind taking medication. Those kids are just as real as unicorns and the chupacabra.You do not have one of those kids. Your little angel will probably flail, wail, kick, and scream, while you attempt to manhandle her into a position that will allow you to squirt the poisoned medicine into the back of her throat. Even if this move is successful, (and it will be .001 times out of 10), it will probably be less than a second before it’ll be spit back out–all over herself, and you, and the floor. You can try to hide the medicine in her favorite drink, yogurt, or pudding, but you’re only fooling yourself if you think you will get away with it more than once.

6. 100次中有99次，去看医生也没什么用。

几乎呢，总是那么一种病毒，或是那么一种感冒，除了让孩子喝水喝水喝水，也没什么太好的高招儿。

这就是你带着两个病怏怏的熊孩子和另外30个病怏怏的熊孩子以及他们焦头烂额的父母一起，坐在候诊室里等了3个小时后，医生告诉你的结果。

没错，这就是你和三名大汗淋漓的护（壮）士以无可描述的姿势和熊孩子扭作一团，最后终于成功用一根小棉签取得鼻咽分泌物去化验后，得到的结果。

6. 99 times out of 100, a visit to the doctor is pointless.It’s almost always a virus, or a common cold, and there’s nothing much you can do except try to keep him hydrated. This, you are told after you have sat with your child’s cranky and demonic evil twin in the waiting room with thirty other cranky and demonic sick kids for three hours. This, you are told after you and two nurses struggled to hold your child in a twisted version of a human straight-jacket while a third nurse tries to swab your child’s nasal cavity and throat with a Q-tip the size of a Sharpie marker.

7. 你总是带孩子看医生，不管已经重复了（第6条）多少次。

就算一遍又一遍重复上面的过程，你还是会带孩子去医院，因为这样才能减轻你内心的焦虑和自责，不让你怀疑自己是不负责任的父母。然后你们回到家，然后各种宠爱有加，然后明天或后天送他去学校，为什么呢？因为你病了，嗯，就是那天在医院传染的。

7. You will take your child to the doctor, regardless of how many times #6 is repeated.And you will go through the entire process over and over, so that you don’t feel like a monster who doesn’t care that her child is sick. And then you will go home and coddle her the rest of the day, and send her to school the next day or the day after, while you yourself are stuck nursing the illness you picked up in the doctor’s office waiting room.

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