What are Courageous Couples?
"Staying curious and open-minded while listening to someone who feels hurt and angry describe the impact of your behavior takes willingness and courage." Toni Herbine-Blank and Martha Sweezy
What being courageous in our coupleship mean? What prevent us from being authentic and courageous? In this casual conversation, Dalida and Julia discuss those questions.
Transcript of the video:
Julia Feste 0:00
What does that evoke to you, "courageous couple"?
Dalida Turkovic 0:09
What it evokes is, I mean, courage, right? You are French, and I learned somewhere a while ago that "coeur" means "heart", right? How do you pronounce it?
Julia Feste 0:25
"Coeur"
Dalida Turkovic 0:26
Right. And so there is something about presence of heart. If we don't have heart presence in relationship, it doesn't really open up to intimacy. So that's the first part of the courage that stands up for me.
And another part is that I caught myself through my life experience that I would find it courageous just to love. Just to be open to someone, to be open to intimacy. So that was that courage to make that step, to be with someone.
And then my life experience also taught me that in that process, while I'm open to that courage to be intimate, that at certain point in the relationship, I would realize that I made some unwritten contracts with the person on being who I am, which meant I was saying yes to things without really realizing that... at the beginning we are all in love and bubbly, right?
After a while, there would be a moment I would realize I've been saying yes, so much that it's suddenly very difficult to say no. And then some inner struggle, even judgment or realizing what that means, making a judgement on what is relationship actually about, because I'm suddenly not really in sync. And all of this turmoil, when it's happening inside me only means that I'm already beginning to separate from my partner.
So now, "courageous couplehip" would actually mean that I have courage to express that, at the moment when I become aware of it. And I really believe in that courage being THE first contracting, that is happening with two people who are opening up the intimacy, that actually there is an invitation and open space to share our inner turmoils, or doubts.
So that when these difficult messages begin. Maybe I am going to say "yes" to us spending time watching TV, and then suddenly, I don't want to watch TV with you anymore. But I'm saying yes, because I'm just really scared that you are going to think that I don't love you. And suddenly watching TV together becomes an expression of love. And the person who is okay by watching TV doesn't really know that this is really happening.
And I've been working with couples for a while now and doing some coaching, and realized that people come at the point, and wanting that courage sometimes when it's too late. And so I think that's another courage, to show up really earlier, and make that contracting visible to both. And that is what inspires me about this program.
And, you know, as we are in relationship as well, one of my quests at this moment in my life is just really being clear on what I want in relationship and how to express it. And I'm learning a lot. I'm learning a lot from you. I'm learning a lot on how you brought some principles of nonviolent communication into our relationship.
And I would really like to hear from your perspective, what does courage mean? And then also how you bring that in the concept of nonviolent communication.
Julia Feste 4:50
For me, when I think about courage and relationship, what comes to my mind is that burning sensation in the belly, that there is an urge to say something, but there is fear about it. And then being faced with two choices, not saying it, to keep the harmony and peace, or saying it and taking the risk that you know, you might repel the other person, or it might increase the depth of the connection and make it even better and bring the relationship to another level.
So it's a bit of a bet. When I choose to be courageous it's, let's say, the same sensation in me as if I was gambling, you know, and gambling some money and you might lose your money, or you might win a lot. Except that I have the sense that in a couple relationship, if you choose not to play, and you choose the safe path, then the relationship is certainly going to fade away because there is no life in it.
So for me, courage equals aliveness and vitality, it's necessary to give the vitality to the couple. And I can give some examples. Like one recently, because I have this pattern of wanting to be alone or taking space for me, and as I've been really determined to be courageous and give myself what I need, sometimes I could have been brutally telling you "now I'm taking my space". And we've been working through it. And recently you asked me, "please, can you tell me when you have the first thought that you want to be alone?". And I realized that actually, for me being courageous is not telling you I need space when my need for space is so overwhelming that I'm ready to kill to have space. That's not courageous, because it becomes so bigger than me that I just have to say it. The courage is actually to tell you when I have my first thought and the fact that you asked me to do that, allowed me, gave me permission.
Because a part of me was thinking, "Well, when I have the first thought that I want to be alone, or if I want space, it's not so strong. So I can put it on the side and not really listening to it, I can continue to be together and you know, the thought come again, and it comes again, it becomes stronger and stronger until I explode. So that's the type of courage we're talking about here. It's having self awareness and being able to share.
And then it's also how do we support each other like by you requesting that I share the moment I have the first thought of wanting space. You supported me in being courageous in telling you. So it's a partnership.
And we had the reverse scenario, right? Because for you it's difficult to say no and we talked about how I can support you to say no to a request I make for you. And so we're talking about connecting. So basically after I took my space and I come back to you, and perhaps you are not ready to connect but you feel like since I came back to connect with you, you have to say yes.
So how can you say no? And we talked about how I can support you to say no and we find the way and the way is me telling you "Hey, I would like to connect now. And it's okay if you say no, I will still love you If you say no". And so then you felt you had also permission to have that courage to tell me no.
Dalida Turkovic 9:21
That was a really, really important moment. I remember we were sitting in a restaurant and conversation just happened just like that, we were not really planning it. And I wasn't really aware that that's what I needed.
But the conversation is so important and I remember my world softening more and more as I was understanding your need for space and what that really brings for you because my initial reactions to your need for taking space was you rejecting me, as if you needed to take a break from me. Every time you would say "I need space", I would take it personally. This is where the discomfort was.
And I remember first layer was really taking in and understanding that what happens for you when you are taking space, that that is really recharging. Because I think that for me, from my world, the interpretation was you only take space when you're hurt by someone. And that interpretation, I was just putting it into our connection, so this was such a crucial pattern of ours that I'm just having a sense of pride that it will be that we managed to work through this, because it was a big one.
And we just were wrestling with it and didn't really know what it all meant. So coming to some clarity, it really showed the fruits of all the attempts in communicating and coming to more realization, what it really meant.
Julia Feste 11:07
Yeah. And we are really eager to share that with others, because we've had so much work in our coupleship. And we also work together, which is an additional layer. So we have many opportunities to get into conflict and misunderstanding, but we also get time and, you know, our work is around communication, awareness, emotion, so that's where we dedicate our work to.
And so we're really eager to share that with other couples. And not to say that we are perfect, we are still dealing with a lot of stuff, it is a never ending game. But we might be some steps ahead of some couples, because we work on it.
And the learning that we got, we want to share it starting with simple, simple aspects, saying being able to say no to each other without hurting each other, knowing what you need, expressing what you need. And just that, if that can be already practiced and learnt, it's a huge achievement, I believe, in the coupleship.
Dalida Turkovic 12:28
Yes. And I really hold dearly to my heart that we share the value of seeing a relationship as part of a personal growth and also part of our spiritual journey as well. The relationships that are intimate are most challenging, because we easily get triggered. Now how many times we appear very resourceful outside, with people we don't know that much, then we come back home, and then we bring all the burdens of suppressed anger or sadness or unexpressed words.
And then we do that with the partner. And a lot of these dynamics actually happen from our witnessing the family where we were born. So as children, observing the dynamics of our parents, and then picking up on those dynamics and continuing to present them in our own life, and it's all unconscious, really. So one thing that we do in the program also is bring awareness into patterns that are not serving us.
And also some ego based dynamics. All these patterns that we are undoing in the intimate relationship are really actually useful for any relationship in general. If we put that into a broader perspective, we can see that any interaction with any being is an opportunity to learn and exchange.
And if we have the capacity to be authentic with each other and to have courage to express what we are feeling and to have courage to receive other person's expression as well, what a wonderful world this would be.
Join us for our next Courageous Couple introduction session
Time: 22th August , 10am-12pm
Location: BMC (due to COVID, there's a possibility that this workshop might be postponed or conducted online)
Information & Registration: scan the QR code on the poster below
SILENT RETREAT IN DALI
Interested in a Mindful Retreat in Dali? BMC is organizing a 5-day silent retreat from 28th September - 3rd October in Temple Dali.
The early bird price is available until 15th August.
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