TED：你是一个完美主义者么？

《你是一个完美主义者么？》

内容简介：

完美主义在心理学中指一种不断追求快而准或基本准确的主义，追求完美的性格或主义，其往往伴随着自我否定和对他人评价的关注。完美主义有多维度的性格，它有着积极的一面，也有消极的一面。病态的完美主义会使人追求过高且无法实现的目标，并会在他们失败时带来极大的痛苦。而正常的完美主义能带给人们追求目标的动力，同时给他们带来乐趣。

I’m a bit of a perfectionist.

我是个完美主义者。

Now, how many times have you heard that one?

你们听过这话多少次了呢？

Over drinks, maybe, with friends, or perhaps with family at Thanksgiving.

也许是在和朋友一起喝酒时， 也许是和家人一起过感恩节时。

It’s everyone’s favorite flaw,

这是人人钟爱的小缺点，

it’s that now quite common response

在求职面试中，人们现在对于 最后一个，也是最难的问题，

to the difficult, final question at job interviews:

往往有共同的回应：

My biggest weakness?

“我最大的缺点是？

That’s my perfectionism."

我是完美主义者。”

You see, for something that supposedly holds us back,

像这样会阻碍我们进步的东西，

it’s quite remarkable how many of us are quite happy to hold our hands up

很明显，有如此多的人 非常乐意举起手

and say we’re perfectionists.

承认我们是完美主义者。

But there’s an interesting and serious point

但一个有趣和严肃的观点是，

because our begrudging admiration for perfection is so pervasive

因为我们对完美的艳羡是如此普遍，

that we never really stop to question that concept in its own terms.

以致我们从没真正停下来 质疑这个观点本身。

What does it say about us and our society

我们和我们的社会存在

that there is a kind of celebration in perfection?

颂扬完美的现象说明了什么？

We tend to hold perfectionism up as an insignia of worth.

我们倾向于把完美主义作为价值的象征，

The emblem of the successful.

成功的象征。

Yet, in my time studying perfectionism,

然而，在我研究完美主义的过程中，

I’ve seen limited evidence that perfectionists are more successful.

我很少看到有证据表明， 完美主义者会更加成功。

Quite the contrary --

恰恰相反——

they feel discontented and dissatisfied

他们感到失落和不满，

amid a lingering sense that they’re never quite perfect enough.

处于一种挥之不去的不完美感觉之中。

We know from clinician case reports

我们从临床病例报告中得知，

that perfectionism conceals a host of psychological difficulties,

完美主义掩盖了许多心理上的问题，

including things like depression, anxiety, anorexia, bulimia

包括抑郁，焦虑，厌食症，暴食症

and even suicide ideation.

甚至是自杀的想法。

And what’s more worrying is that over the last 25 years,

更让人担忧的是在过去25年中，

we have seen perfectionism rise at an alarming rate.

我们看到完美主义出现的频率 以惊人的速度上升。

And at the same time,

同时，

we have seen more mental illness among young people than ever before.

我们在年轻人中看到的 精神疾病病例比以往任何时候都多。

Rates of suicide in the US alone

仅是美国的自杀率

increased by 25 percent across the last two decades.

在过去20年间就上升了25%。

And we’re beginning to see similar trends emerge across Canada,

我们在加拿大和我的祖国英国

and in my home country, the United Kingdom.

也看到了类似的趋势。

Now, our research is suggesting

我们的研究显示

that perfectionism is rising as society is changing.

随着社会的发展，完美主义的 现象也层出不穷。

And a changed society reflects a changed sense of personal identity

社会的变化反映了个人认同感的变化，

and, with it, differences in the way in which young people interact

同时，也带来了年轻人 之间，以及他们与周围环境

with each other and the world around them.

互动方式的差异。

And there are some unique characteristics about our preeminent, market-based society

我们这个卓越的、以市场为基础的 社会有一些独特的特征，

that include things like unrestricted choice

包括不受限制的选择

and personal freedom,

和个人自由，

and these are characteristics that we feel are contributing

我们认为这些特征导致了

to almost epidemic levels of this problem.

这个问题的流行程度。

So let me give you an example.

让我给你们举个例子。

Young people today are more preoccupied with the attainment of the perfect life

今天的年轻人更专注于 追求完美的生活

and lifestyle.

和生活方式，

In terms of their image, status and wealth.

也就是个人形象，地位 和财富方面的影响力。

Data from Pew show that young people

皮尤数据显示，出生于

born in the US in the late 1980s

80年代晚期的美国年轻人

are 20 percent more likely to report being materially rich

认为物质富裕是他们最重要的

as among their most important life goals,

人生目标的人数比例

relative to their parents and their grandparents.

比他们的父辈和祖辈高出了20%。

Young people also borrow more heavily than did older generations,

年轻人也比老一代人借贷更多，

and they spend a much greater proportion of their income on image goods

他们把收入的很大一部分花在形象商品

and status possessions.

和身份财产上。

These possessions, their lives and their lifestyles

这些财产，他们的生活和生活方式

are now displayed in vivid detail on the ubiquitous social media platforms

如今非常生动地展示在 无处不在的Instagram

of Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat.

Facebook和SnapChat等社交媒体上。

In this new visual culture,

在这个新的视觉文化中，

the appearance of perfection is far more important than the reality.

完美的外表远比现实重要。

If one side of the modern landscape

如果我们为年轻人提供的

that we have so lavishly furnished for young people

现代景观的一面是如此的奢华，

is this idea that there’s a perfectible life

即有一种完美的生活，

and that there’s a perfectible lifestyle,

有一种完美的生活方式，

then the other is surely work.

那么另一面就肯定是工作。

Nothing is out of reach for those who want it badly enough.

对于那些迫切需要它的人来说， 没有什么是遥不可及的。

Or so we’re told.

至少人们是这样告诉我们的。

This is the idea at the heart of the American dream.

这是美国梦的核心思想。

Opportunity, meritocracy, the self-made person, hard work.

机遇、任人唯贤、自力更生、努力工作。

The notion that hard work always pays off.

天道酬勤的观念。

And above all, the idea that we’re captains of our own destiny.

最重要的是我们对自己命运的主宰。

These ideas, they connect our wealth, our status

这些观念将我们的财富、地位

and our image with our innate, personal value.

和形象与我们与生俱来的 个人价值联系起来。

But it is, of course, complete fiction.

当然，这完全是梦幻泡影。

Because even if there were equality of opportunity,

因为即便有平等的机会，

the idea that we are captains of our own destiny

我们有主宰自己命运的想法

disguises a much darker reality for young people

仍然为年轻人掩盖了 一个更为黑暗的事实，

that they are subject to an almost ongoing economic tribunal.

那就是他们受制于一个 几乎正在进行的经济评判。

Metrics, rankings, lead tables

指标、排名、排名表

have emerged as the yardsticks for which merit can be quantified

已经成为衡量学生成绩的标准，

and used to sort young people into schools, classes and colleges.

并被用来将年轻人在校园中划分等级。

Education is the first arena

教育是第一竞技场，

where measurement is so publicly played out

在那里测验是如此的公开，

and where metrics are being used

度量指标被用来

as a tool to improve standards and performance.

当作工具去提升标准和表现。

And it starts young.

人们小小年纪就要经历这样一个过程。

Young people in America’s big city high schools

在美国大城市的高中生，

take some 112 mandatory standardized tests

从学前班到12年级结束，总共要参加

between prekindergarten and the end of 12th grade.

112次强制性标准化考试。

No wonder young people report a strong need to strive,

难怪年轻人报告说，在现代生活的中心

perform and achieve at the center of modern life.

有一种强烈的奋斗、表现和成就的需要。

They’ve been conditioned to define themselves

他们习惯于用严格而狭隘的

in the strict and narrow terms of grades, percentiles and lead tables.

分数、百分位数和排名表来定义自己。

This is a society that preys on their insecurities.

这是一个以他们的 不安全感为食的社会。

Insecurities about how they are performing

他们对自己的表现以及自己

and how they are appearing to other people.

在别人眼中的形象缺乏安全感。

This is a society that amplifies their imperfections.

这是一个放大他们不完美的社会。

Every flaw, every unforeseen setback

每一个缺点，每一个意想不到的挫折，

increases a need to perform more perfectly next time, or else,

都增加了下一次要表现 更完美的需要，否则，

bluntly, you’re a failure.

坦率地说，你就是一个失败者。

That feeling of being flawed and deficient is especially pervasive --

这种缺陷和不足的感受尤其明显——

just talk to young people.

只需要跟年轻人聊聊就知道。

How should I look, how should I behave?

“我该怎么看，我该怎么做？”

I should look like that model,

“我应该像那个模特，

I should have as many followers as that Instagram influencer,

我的粉丝应该像那个Instagram 上的意见领袖一样多，

I must do better in school."

我必须在学校做得更好。”

In my role as mentor to many young people,

在为很多年轻人做导师的角色中，

I see these lived effects of perfectionism firsthand.

我亲眼看到了完美主义 这些活生生的影响。

And one student sticks out in my mind very vividly.

有一个学生我仍然记忆犹新。

John (not his real name) was ambitious,

约翰（不是真名）是个雄心勃勃，

hardworking and diligent

勤奋好学的人，

and on the surface, he was exceptionally high-achieving,

并且从表面上看，他有非常高的成就，

often getting first-class grades for his work.

常常成绩排名第一。

Yet, no matter how well John achieved,

然而，不管约翰取得了多大的成绩，

he always seemed to recast his successes as abject failures,

他似乎总是把自己的 成就视为可悲的失败，

and in meetings with me,

在与我交谈时，

he would talk openly about how he’d let himself and others down.

他会公开谈论他是如何 令自己和他人失望的。

John’s justification was quite simple:

约翰的理由很简单：

How could he be a success

他比别人努力那么多，

when he was trying so much harder than other people

却只获得同样的成绩，

just to attain the same outcomes?

这怎么能叫成功呢？

See, John’s perfectionism, his unrelenting work ethic,

这就是约翰的完美主义，他坚持不懈的

was only serving to expose what he saw as his inner weakness

工作理念只是在向自己和他人

to himself and to others.

暴露他内心的弱点。

Cases like John’s speak to the harmfulness of perfectionism

像约翰这样的例子说明了完美主义

as a way of being in the world.

作为一种生存方式的危害性。

Contrary to popular belief,

与普遍的看法恰恰相反，

perfectionism is never about perfecting things or perfecting tasks.

完美主义从来不是关于 完善事物或完成任务。

It’s not about striving for excellence.

这跟追求卓越无关。

John’s case highlights this vividly.

约翰的案例生动地说明了这一点。

At its root, perfectionism is about perfecting the self.

根源上讲，完美主义在于完善自我。

Or, more precisely, perfecting an imperfect self.

或者，更准确地说， 是完善不完美的自己。

And you can think about it like a mountain of achievement

你可以把它想像成一座成就的大山，

that perfectionism leads us to imagine ourselves scaling.

完美主义让我们想象自己在扩张。

And we think to ourselves, "Once I’ve reached that summit,

我们对自己说，“一旦我抵达巅峰，

then people will see I’m not flawed, and I’ll be worth something."

那么人们就会认为我是 完美的，我是有价值的。”

But what perfectionism doesn’t tell us

但完美主义不会告诉我的是，

is that soon after reaching that summit,

一旦我们抵达那个巅峰，

we will be called down again to the fresh lowlands of insecurity and shame,

我们将再次被召唤到 不安全与耻辱的新低地，

just to try and scale that peak again.

只得再次攀登那个高峰。

This is the cycle of self-defeat.

这就是自我挫败的循环。

In the pursuit of unattainable perfection, a perfectionist just cannot step off.

在追求无法达到的完美时， 完美主义者就是走不出来。

And it’s why it’s so difficult to treat.

这就是为什么很难治疗。

Now, we’ve known for decades and decades

尽管我们已经知道几十年了，

that perfectionism contributes to a host of psychological problems,

完美主义会导致一系列的心理问题，

but there was never a good way to measure it.

但从来没有一个好方法能衡量它。

That was until the late 1980s

直到1980年代晚期，

when two Canadians, Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett,

当时有两个加拿大人， 保罗·休伊特和戈登·弗雷特，

came along and developed a self-report measure of perfectionism.

发明了一种自我报告的 完美主义评估方法。

So that’s right, folks, you can measure this,

没错，各位，完美主义 是可以评估的，

and it essentially captures three core elements of perfectionism.

它本质上是抓住了 完美主义的三个核心要素。

The first is self-oriented perfectionism,

第一个是自我导向型的完美主义，

the irrational desire to be perfect:

追求完美的非理性欲望：

I strive to be as perfect as I can be.

“我要努力做到尽可能完美。”

The second is socially prescribed perfectionism,

第二种是社会定向型完美主义，

the sense that the social environment is excessively demanding:

对社会环境对他们要求过高的感觉：

I feel that others are too demanding of me.

“我感到其他人对我要求太高了。”

And the third is other-oriented perfectionism,

第三种是其他导向型的完美主义，

the imposition of unrealistic standards on other people:

把不切实际的标准强加于人：

If I ask somebody to do something, I expect it to be done perfectly.

“假如我让人做事情， 我期待结果是完美的。”

Now, research shows that all three elements of perfectionism

研究显示这三种完美主义要素

associate with compromised mental health,

与精神健康受损相关，

including things like heightened depression,

包括高度抑郁，

heightened anxiety and suicide ideation.

高度焦虑和自杀意愿。

But, by far, the most problematic element of perfectionism

但是，到目前为止， 完美主义最成问题的要素

is socially prescribed perfectionism.

是社会定向型的完美主义。

That sense that everyone expects me to be perfect.

那种对每个人都期待我完美的感觉。

This element of perfectionism

这种完美主义要素

has a large correlation with serious mental illness.

与严重的精神疾病有很大的关系。

And with today’s emphasis on perfection at the forefront of my mind,

今天我把对完美的强调放在了首位，

I was curious to see whether these elements of perfectionism were changing.

我很好奇这些完美主义的 要素是否在改变。

To date, research in this area is focused on immediate family relations,

迄今为止，这一领域的研究 主要集中在直系亲属关系方面，

but we wanted to look at it at a broader level.

但我们想在更广泛的层面看这个问题。

So we took all of the data that had ever been collected

所以我们收集了自保罗和戈登

in the 27 years since Paul and Gordon developed that perfectionism measure,

提出完美主义测量方法以来的 27年里的所有数据，

and we isolated the data in college students.

并且单独分析了大学生的数据。

This turned out to be more than 40,000 young people

结果发现有超过4万位来自美国，

from American, Canadian and British colleges,

加拿大和英国大学的年轻人，

and with so much data available, we looked to see if there was a trend.

有这么多数据在手， 我们开始观察是否存在趋势。

And in all, it took us more than three years

我们总共花了三年多的时间

to collate all of this information, crunch the numbers,

去收集，批量处理这些数据，

and write our report.

并撰写我们的报告。

But it was worth it because our analysis uncovered something alarming.

但这是值得的，因为我们的分析 揭开了一些让人警醒的事情。

All three elements of perfectionism have increased over time.

所有这三个完美主义要素 都在随着时间增长。

But socially prescribed perfectionism saw the largest increase, and by far.

但目前看，社会定向型的 完美主义增长最快。

In 1989,

在1989年，

just nine percent of young people report clinically relevant levels

只有9%的年轻人报告达到临床程度的

of socially prescribed perfectionism.

社会定向型完美主义。

Those are levels that we might typically see in clinical populations.

这些水平在临床人群中非常常见。

By 2017, that figure had doubled to 18 percent.

到2017年，这个数据翻倍到18%。

And by 2050, projections based on the models that we tested

到2050年，基于我们测试的模型预估，

indicate that almost one in three young people

几乎3个年轻人中就有1个人

will report clinically relevant levels of socially prescribed perfectionism.

会报告临床水平相关的 社会定向型完美主义。

Remember, this is the element of perfectionism

记住，这种要素的完美主义

that has the largest correlation with serious mental illness,

跟严重的精神疾病有最大的相关性，

and that’s for good reason.

而且这是有原因的。

Socially prescribed perfectionists feel a unrelenting need

社会定向型完美主义者 感到一种无休止的

to meet the expectations of other people.

满足其他人期望的需求。

And even if they do meet yesterday’s expectation of perfection,

即便他们达到了满足 昨天对完美的期望，

they then raise the bar on themselves to an even higher degree

他们也会把标准提到更高的程度，

because these folks believe that the better they do,

因为这些人相信他们做得越好，

the better that they’re expected to do.

他们就被期望做得越好。

This breeds a profound sense of helplessness and, worse, hopelessness.

这孕育了深深的无助感， 甚至更糟糕，绝望感。

But is there hope?

还有希望吗？

Of course there’s hope.

当然存在希望。

Perfectionists can and should hold on to certain things --

完美主义能够， 也应该坚持特定的事情——

they are typically bright, ambitious, conscientious and hardworking.

通常是聪明、有抱负、认真、勤奋。

And yes, treatment is complex.

是的，治疗是复杂的。

But a little bit of self-compassion,

但要有一点自我宽慰，

going easy on ourselves when things don’t go well,

当事情不顺利的时候对自己宽容一点，

can turn those qualities into greater personal peace and success.

可以把这些品质更多地转化为 个人平静和成功。

And then there’s what we can do as caregivers.

我们作为护理人员也可以有所行动。

Perfectionism develops in our formative years,

完美主义是在我们性格 形成阶段形成的，

and so young people are more vulnerable.

所以年轻人更容易受到伤害。

Parents can help their children

当他们努力过但却失败时，

by supporting them unconditionally when they’ve tried but failed.

父母可以无条件的支持他们的孩子。

And Mom and Dad can resist their understandable urge

在当今激烈竞争的社会中，父母们

in today’s highly competitive society to helicopter-parent,

可以尽量避免成为 望子成龙的直升机父母，

as a lot of anxiety is communicated

当父母把孩子的成败

when parents take on their kids’ successes and failures as their own.

当作自己的事情时， 会给孩子带来很多焦虑。

But ultimately, our research raises important questions

但最终，我们的研究提出了

about how we are structuring society

我们如何构建社会

and whether our society’s heavy emphasis on competition, evaluation and testing

和我们的社会过度强调竞争， 评估和测试是否有利于年轻人

is benefiting young people.

这个重要的问题。

It’s become commonplace for public figures to say

公众人物常说，

that young people just need a little bit more resilience

面对这些前所未有的新压力，

in the face of these new and unprecedented pressures.

年轻人需要更强的适应力。

But I believe that is us washing our hands of the core issue

但我认为，这恰恰表明了 我们在逃避核心问题，

because we have a shared responsibility

因为我们首先有共同的责任

to create a society and a culture in which young people need less perfection

去创造一个年轻人 不需要感觉必须那么完美的

in the first place.

社会和文化。

Let’s not kid ourselves.

别自欺欺人了。

Creating that kind of world is an enormous challenge,

创造这样一个世界对一代年轻人

and for a generation of young people

来说是一个巨大的挑战，

that live their lives in the 24/7 spotlight

他们生活在无时无刻不在的

of metrics, lead tables and social media,

指标，排名表和社交媒体的聚光灯下，

perfectionism is inevitable,

完美主义是不可避免的，

so long as they lack any purpose in life

只要他们在生活中缺乏

greater than how they are appearing

比他们的外表

or how they are performing to other people.

或在他人面前的表现更重要的目标。

What can they do about it?

他们能做什么呢？

Every time they are knocked down from that mountaintop,

每次当他们从巅峰跌落，

they see no other option but to try scaling that peak again.

他们看不到其他选项， 只得努力再次攀登那个高峰。

The ancient Greeks knew

古希腊人知道，

that this endless struggle up and down the same mountain

在同一座山上上上下下

is not the road to happiness.

不是通向幸福的道路。

Their image of hell was a man called Sisyphus,

他们对地狱的想象是 一个叫西西弗斯的人，

doomed for eternity to keep rolling the same boulder up a hill,

注定要永远把同一块巨石推上山，

only to see it roll back down and have to start again.

只能眼睁睁看着它一次次滚下来， 并不得不重新再来。

So long as we teach young people

只要我们教年轻人

that there is nothing more real or meaningful in their lives

在他们的生活中，没有什么比 这种无望的追求完美

than this hopeless quest for perfection,

更真实或更有意义的事情，

then we are going to condemn future generations

而我们将使后代遭受同样的

to that same futility and despair.

徒劳和绝望。

And so we’re left with a question.

那么我们还要面对一个问题。

When are we going to appreciate

我们什么时候才能意识到

that there is something fundamentally inhuman

无限的完美本质上

about limitless perfection?

是违反人性的？

No one is flawless.

人无完人。

If we want to help our young people escape the trap of perfectionism,

如果我们想要帮助我们的年轻人 逃出完美主义的陷阱，

then we will teach them that in a chaotic world,

那么就要告诉他们， 在这个混乱的世界中，

life will often defeat us, but that’s OK.

我们常常会遭遇挫折，但没关系。

Failure is not weakness.

失败不是软弱。

If we want to help our young people outgrow this self-defeating snare

如果我们想帮助我们的年轻人 摆脱这种不可能完美的

of impossible perfection,

自我挫败的陷阱，

then we will raise them in a society that has outgrown that very same delusion.

我们就需要在一个不再抱有 同样幻想的社会中抚养他们。

But most of all,

但最重要的是，

if we want our young people to enjoy mental, emotional

如果我们想要年轻人 享受精神上，情感上

and psychological health,

心理健康上的快乐，

then we will invite them to celebrate the joys

那么我们就要邀请他们去赞美和接纳

and the beauties of imperfection

去赞美和接纳不完美，

as a normal and natural part of everyday living and loving.

把它作为日常生活和关爱中 正常而自然的一部分。

Thank you very much.

谢谢大家。