影响了700万人的TED演讲：你不开心，可能是对快乐索取太多（附视频&演讲稿）
要问2019年什么最贵，不是房子，不是包包，也不是大餐，而是挣再多钱也渐渐买不起的开心。
这种不开心是随着年龄渐长与日俱增的。如果我们一直以来追求的那些东西并不能让人快乐，那么拥有快乐人生的奥秘到底是什么？这个问题，国内很多人都在关注，而在国外也有超过700万人在关注。
我们在这里推荐一个TED演讲，作家Emily Esfahani Smith深入浅出地给出了具体的解决方案。希望你能获得一些启示。
客观来说，我们的生活一天一天在变好了，却又越来越多的人感到无助、沮丧和孤独，全球的自杀率在不断攀升，到了近30年来的新高。为什么呢？绝望的原因不是因为缺乏快乐，而是因为缺乏人生意义。
难道人生不只是要快乐吗？活得快乐和活得有意义之间有什么差别？许多心理学家把快乐定义为一种舒服自在的状态，在当下的感觉很好。
但意义不同，意义来自于归属感、致力于超越自我之外的事物、以及从内在发展出最好的自己。寻找意义才能让人更满足。
而且研究指出：有人生意义的人，适应力也会比较强。他们在学校、在职场的表现更好，甚至活得比较久。
那么，我们怎样才能活得更有意义呢？为了找到答案，我花了五年时间，采访了几百人，阅读数千页的心理学、神经科学及哲学书。
汇总起来，我发现了——人生意义的四大支柱。我们每个人都可以通过在生活中建立起一个或多个支柱，在彼此的人生中找到人生的意义。
归属感来自于一种关系，一种你与他人在本质上相互珍惜的关系。但有些群体或关系，提供廉价形式的归属感：你被重视，是因为你所相信的事物、你对人的好恶，而不是你是谁。
真正的归属感来自爱，它存在于个人间共处的时光中。同时，它也是一种选择——你可以选择与他人培养归属感。
举例来说，每天早晨，我的朋友乔都会向同一个街头小贩购买同一份报纸。不过，他们并不只是交易关系。
他们会停下来，花点时间说说话，把彼此当作朋友对待。但有一次，乔零钱不够，小贩说：“没关系，不用啦。”但乔坚持要付钱。所以他去了一家商店，购买了他不需要的东西，把钞票找开。
但当他把钱给小贩时，小贩退缩了。他感到了受伤。小贩试图表现友好，但乔纳森拒绝了他。
我想我们都曾在这样类似的小地方拒绝别人却没有意识到。我也有过，我会从认识的人旁边走过，却没有跟他们打招呼。当有人在跟我说话时，我会看手机。这类行为都是在贬低别人的价值，让他们觉得自己没有存在感，不值得被珍重。
对很多人来说，归属感是人生意义的重要来源，是人与人、人与家人、人与朋友之间的联结。
对很多人来说，获得人生意义的主要方法就是：目的。目的的重点是你能给予什么，而不是你想要什么。
一位医院的管理员说，她的目的是治愈病人。很多家长说：“我的目的是养育我的孩子。”目的的关键在于运用你的力量去服务他人。
对我们很多人来说，这是通过工作来完成的。人们如果没有值得去做的事，就会挣扎折腾。当然，你不需要从工作中找目的，但目的能让你有活下来的意义，有驱使你向前行进的理由。
人生意义的第三根支柱，和突破自己有关。但是通过完全不同的使用方式：超然。
超然的状态是当你超越了日常生活的喧嚣烦扰，当自我意识渐渐消失，你会开始关注更高的现实。有一项研究，让学生向上观看10米高的大树1分钟。之后这些学生就不再那么以自我为中心，而有机会可以去帮助他人时，他们表现得更为慷慨。
面对生活的鸡零狗碎时，我会倾向于去看大海。站在大海边，望着海边的天际线，渐渐心情就平复下来。踏踏实实前进的过程中，放眼于自然界，身上的疲惫就会渐渐褪去。
在每日通勤的狭小拥挤地铁车厢里，观看自然图集，沉醉在自然构建起来的大天地中，也会超然许多。
讲故事
第四根支柱可能会令人很多惊讶，是讲故事。讲关于你自己的故事，可以帮助你明白自己是如何成长的。即使你被事实限制住了，你也可以编辑、解说、重构你的故事。
我见过一个叫埃梅卡的年轻人，他因为踢球受伤瘫痪了。受伤之后，埃梅卡告诉自己：“我的人生曾因踢球而非常精彩，但你看看现在的我…”
你知道吗？那些喜欢这样讲故事的人——“我的生活本来很好，但现在很糟糕”，他们更容易焦虑和沮丧。
埃梅卡有好一阵子就是这样。但随着时间流逝，他开始编造一个不同的故事：“在我受伤之前，我的生活毫无目标。我参加过很多聚会，而且我是一个非常自私的人。但受伤让我明白，我可以成为一个更好的人。”
这个改编过的故事改变了埃梅卡的人生。在讲完这个故事后，埃梅卡开始教导孩童，他找到了他的目标：服务他人。
心理学家丹·麦亚当斯称这个故事是“救赎故事”，在这种故事中，好故事会来救赎不好的故事。丹发现：过得有意义的人更喜欢从救赎、成长和爱的角度来讲述自己的故事。
但是，是什么让人们改变了他们的故事呢？有些人向治疗师寻求协助，你也可以靠自己做到，只要完整地反思你的人生、你的关键经验如何造就了你，你失去了什么、获得了什么。那就是埃梅卡所做过的一切。
你不可能一夜间就改变自己的故事，也许需要花费好几年，而且很痛苦。毕竟，我们都曾受过苦，也都在挣扎。但拥抱那些痛苦记忆，能带来新的洞见与智慧，让你找到支撑自己的“善良”。
归属感、目的、超然、讲故事，这就是人生意义的四大支柱。一定要花费心力，才能让人生过得有意义。这是一个持续的过程，随着每一天逝去，我们不断地创造自己的人生，扩增我们的故事。
我离开家去读大学，开始寻找有什么能够让我的人生值得生活。我大学毕业后，父亲心脏病发作得特别厉害，差点要了他的命。
但是，他活下来了。我问他，当他在面对死亡时，脑中想着的是什么。他说，他唯一能想的，就是必须活下来，这样他才能陪伴我弟弟和我，这一点让他有意志力能够拼命活下来。
躺在那里，面对死亡，他有一个活下来的理由：爱。他在他的家庭中的归属感、他身为一位父亲的目的、他超然的冥想，不断默念我们的名字——
他说，这些是他活下来的原因，这是他告诉自己的故事。
这就是意义的力量。快乐来了又去了。如果人生有意义，无论人生很美好，或是很失意，你都有可以紧紧抓住的东西。
I used to think the whole purpose of life was pursuing happiness. Everyone said the path to happiness was success, so I searched for that ideal job, that perfect boyfriend, that beautiful apartment. But instead of ever feeling fulfilled, I felt anxious and adrift. And I wasn't alone; my friends -- they struggled with this, too.
我以前认为人生的目标就是追求快乐。人人都说，成功是通往快乐的路，所以我去寻找理想的工作、完美的男友、漂亮的公寓。但我没有感到圆满，反而觉得焦虑跟漫无目的。且不只有我这样;我的朋友们──他们也有这种困扰。
Eventually, I decided to go to graduate school for positive psychology to learn what truly makes people happy. But what I discovered there changed my life. The data showed that chasing happiness can make people unhappy. And what really struck me was this: the suicide rate has been rising around the world, and it recently reached a 30-year high in America. Even though life is getting objectively better by nearly every conceivable standard, more people feel hopeless, depressed and alone. There's an emptiness gnawing away at people, and you don't have to be clinically depressed to feel it. Sooner or later, I think we all wonder: Is this all there is? And according to the research, what predicts this despair is not a lack of happiness. It's a lack of something else, a lack of having meaning in life.
我最后决定去研究所读正向心理学，去找出什么能让人开心。但我在那儿的发现，改变了我的人生。资料显示，追求快乐会让人不快乐。真正让我震惊的是这点：全球的自杀率不断攀升，最近在美国达到三十年来的新高。虽然客观来说，生活变好了，从每个能想到的标准来看皆是如此，却有更多人感到无助、沮丧及孤独。有一种空虚感在侵蚀人们，并不需被临床诊断出沮丧也能感觉到这个现象。我想，迟早我们都会想要知道：难道就只有这样而已吗?根据研究，绝望的原因并不是缺乏快乐，而是缺乏某样东西，是缺乏人生意义。
But that raised some questions for me. Is there more to life than being happy? And what's the difference between being happy and having meaning in life? Many psychologists define happiness as a state of comfort and ease, feeling good in the moment. Meaning, though, is deeper. The renowned psychologist Martin Seligman says meaning comes from belonging to and serving something beyond yourself and from developing the best within you. Our culture is obsessed with happiness, but I came to see that seeking meaning is the more fulfilling path. And the studies show that people who have meaning in life, they're more resilient, they do better in school and at work, and they even live longer.
但这就让我产生了一些问题。难道人生不只是要快乐吗?活得快乐和活得有意义之间有什么差别?许多心理学家把快乐定义为一种舒服自在的状态，在当下感觉很好，而意义则更深。知名心理学家马丁赛里格曼说，意义来自归属感、致力于超越自我之外的事物，以及从内在发展出最好的自己。我们的文化对「快乐」相当痴迷，但我发现，寻找意义才是更让人满足的道路。且研究指出，有人生意义的人适应力也会比较强，他们在学校及职场的表现较佳，他们甚至活得比较久。
So this all made me wonder: How can we each live more meaningfully? To find out, I spent five years interviewing hundreds of people and reading through thousands of pages of psychology, neuroscience and philosophy. Bringing it all together, I found that there are what I call four pillars of a meaningful life. And we can each create lives of meaning by building some or all of these pillars in our lives.
所以这一切让我开始想，我们每个人要如何活得有意义?为了找出答案，我花了五年时间，访谈了数百人，阅读了数千页的心理学、神经科学及哲学。把这些汇整起来，我发现了一件事，我称之为「人生意义的四大支柱」。我们可以彼此相互建立起这些支柱，在彼此的人生中找到人生的意义。
The first pillar is belonging. Belonging comes from being in relationships where you're valued for who you are intrinsically and where you value others as well. But some groups and relationships deliver a cheap form of belonging; you're valued for what you believe, for who you hate, not for who you are. True belonging springs from love. It lives in moments among individuals, and it's a choice -- you can choose to cultivate belonging with others.
第一根支柱是归属感。归属感来自于一种关系，一种你与他人在本质上彼此是否处在相互珍惜的关系中。但有些群体或关系，提供的是廉价形式的归属感;你被重视的原因是因为你所相信的事物、你对人的好恶、而不是你的本质。真正的归属感源自于爱。它存在于个体间共处的时光当中，且它是一种选择──你可以选择与他人培养归属感。
Here's an example. Each morning, my friend Jonathan buys a newspaper from the same street vendor in New York. They don't just conduct a transaction, though. They take a moment to slow down, talk, and treat each other like humans. But one time, Jonathan didn't have the right change, and the vendor said, 'Don't worry about it.' But Jonathan insisted on paying, so he went to the store and bought something he didn't need to make change. But when he gave the money to the vendor, the vendor drew back. He was hurt. He was trying to do something kind, but Jonathan had rejected him.
举例来说，每天早晨，我在纽约的朋友强纳森都会向同一个街头小贩买一份报纸。不过，他们并不是只有交易的关系。他们会停下来，花点时间说说话，把彼此当朋友对待。但有一次，强纳森的零钱不够，小贩说：「没关系不用了啦。」但强纳森坚持要付钱，所以他去一家店，买了他不需要的东西，把钞票找开。但当他把钱给小贩时，小贩退缩了。他感到受伤。他试着想表现友好，但强纳森拒绝了他。
I think we all reject people in small ways like this without realizing it. I do. I'll walk by someone I know and barely acknowledge them. I'll check my phone when someone's talking to me. These acts devalue others. They make them feel invisible and unworthy. But when you lead with love, you create a bond that lifts each of you up.
我想，我们都曾像这样在小地方拒绝别人却没有意识到。我就有过。我会从认识的人旁边走过，却没跟他们打招呼。当有人在跟我说话时，我会看手机。这类行为是在贬低别人的价值，让他们觉得自己是隐形的、不值得的。但若用爱来引导，你就会创造出一种联结，让你们彼此都振奋起来。
For many people, belonging is the most essential source of meaning, those bonds to family and friends. For others, the key to meaning is the second pillar: purpose. Now, finding your purpose is not the same thing as finding that job that makes you happy. Purpose is less about what you want than about what you give. A hospital custodian told me her purpose is healing sick people. Many parents tell me, 'My purpose is raising my children.' The key to purpose is using your strengths to serve others. Of course, for many of us, that happens through work. That's how we contribute and feel needed. But that also means that issues like disengagement at work, unemployment, low labor force participation -- these aren't just economic problems, they're existential ones, too. Without something worthwhile to do, people flounder. Of course, you don't have to find purpose at work, but purpose gives you something to live for, some 'why' that drives you forward.
对很多人来说，归属感是人生意义的重要来源，就是与家人及朋友之间的联结。对其他人来说，第二根人生意义的支柱是目的。找到你的目的并不是指找到让你快乐的工作。目的的重点是你能给予什么，而不是你想要什么。一位医院管理员告诉我，她的目的是治愈生病的人。很多家长告诉我：「我的目的是扶养我的孩子。」目标的关键在于用你的力量去服务他人。当然，对很多人而言，这是透过工作来达成的。那是我们做出贡献和感到被需要的方式。但这也意味着，像是无心工作、失业、低劳动参与率等等议题──这些不仅是经济问题，也是存在主义问题。人们若没有值得去做的事，就会挣扎折腾。当然，你不需要从工作中找到目的，但目的能让你有活下去的意义，有驱使你向前行的「理由」。
The third pillar of meaning is also about stepping beyond yourself, but in a completely different way: transcendence. Transcendent states are those rare moments when you're lifted above the hustle and bustle of daily life, your sense of self fades away, and you feel connected to a higher reality. For one person I talked to, transcendence came from seeing art. For another person, it was at church. For me, I'm a writer, and it happens through writing. Sometimes I get so in the zone that I lose all sense of time and place. These transcendent experiences can change you. One study had students look up at 200-feet-tall eucalyptus trees for one minute. But afterwards they felt less self-centered, and they even behaved more generously when given the chance to help someone.
第三根人生意义的支柱，也和走出自我有关，但用的方式完全不同：超然。超然的状态是很少见的时刻，在这个时刻中，你超脱了日常生活的喧嚣扰攘，自我感正在渐渐消褪，你会感觉到和更高的现实产生连结。跟我谈过的其中一个人说，超然来自于欣赏艺术。另一个人则认为，超然是在教堂中。对我来说，我是作家，而超然是透过写作发生的。有时候我太投入会有一种忘我的境界。这些超然的经验能改变你。有一项研究是让学生去看200英尺高的尤加利树，看一分钟，之后他们会比较不自我中心，若给他们机会去帮助别人，他们连行为都会变得更慷慨。
Belonging, purpose, transcendence. Now, the fourth pillar of meaning, I've found, tends to surprise people. The fourth pillar is storytelling, the story you tell yourself about yourself. Creating a narrative from the events of your life brings clarity. It helps you understand how you became you. But we don't always realize that we're the authors of our stories and can change the way we're telling them. Your life isn't just a list of events. You can edit, interpret and retell your story, even as you're constrained by the facts.
归属感、目的、超然。接着谈谈我发现的第四根支柱，它常会令人感到惊讶。第四根支柱就是说故事，你告诉你自己关于你自己的故事。用你人生中的事件来创造一个故事，能让你看得更清楚。它能协助你了解你是怎么变成你的。但我们通常没发现，我们故事的作者就是自己，且我们可以改变说故事的方式。你的生命并不只一连串的事件。即便你被事实给限制住，你仍可以编辑、诠释、再重新述说你的故事。
I met a young man named Emeka, who'd been paralyzed playing football. After his injury, Emeka told himself, 'My life was great playing football, but now look at me.' People who tell stories like this -- 'My life was good. Now it's bad.' -- tend to be more anxious and depressed. And that was Emeka for a while. But with time, he started to weave a different story. His new story was, 'Before my injury, my life was purposeless. I partied a lot and was a pretty selfish guy. But my injury made me realize I could be a better man.' That edit to his story changed Emeka's life. After telling the new story to himself, Emeka started mentoring kids, and he discovered what his purpose was: serving others. The psychologist Dan McAdams calls this a 'redemptive story,' where the bad is redeemed by the good. People leading meaningful lives, he's found, tend to tell stories about their lives defined by redemption, growth and love.
我遇到一位叫做埃梅卡的年轻人，他因为打美式足球而瘫痪。埃梅卡在受伤后，内心的对话是这样的：「我打美式足球的人生是非常棒的，但看看现在的我。」像这样说故事的人──「我的人生曾经很棒，现在却很糟。」──说这种故事的人比较容易焦虑和沮丧。埃梅卡有好一阵子就是这样。但随时间过去，他开始编造一个不同的故事。他的新故事是：「在我受伤前，我的人生没有目的。我常去派对，且我是个很自私的人。但受伤让我明白，我可以成为更好的人。」埃梅卡把他的故事进行改造，从而改变了他的一生。在对自己说完这个新故事之后，埃梅卡开始开导孩童，他找到了他的目的：服务他人。心理学家丹麦亚当斯称这现象为「救赎的故事」，用好的来救赎不好的。他发现，过着有意义人生的人，他们说的故事内容通常都是他们的人生由救赎、成长、爱来定义。
But what makes people change their stories? Some people get help from a therapist, but you can do it on your own, too, just by reflecting on your life thoughtfully, how your defining experiences shaped you, what you lost, what you gained. That's what Emeka did. You won't change your story overnight; it could take years and be painful. After all, we've all suffered, and we all struggle. But embracing those painful memories can lead to new insights and wisdom, to finding that good that sustains you.
但，是什么让人们改变了他们的故事?有些人向治疗师寻求协助，但你也可以靠自己做到，只要完整地反思你的人生、你的关键经验如何造就了你、你失去了什么、获得了什么。那就是埃梅卡所做的。你不可能一夜就改变你的故事;过程可能要花好几年，且很痛苦。毕竟，我们都曾受过苦，也都在挣扎。但拥抱那些痛苦的记忆，能带来新的洞见与智慧，让你能找到那支撑着你的「善」。
Belonging, purpose, transcendence, storytelling: those are the four pillars of meaning. When I was younger, I was lucky enough to be surrounded by all of the pillars. My parents ran a Sufi meetinghouse from our home in Montreal. Sufism is a spiritual practice associated with the whirling dervishes and the poet Rumi. Twice a week, Sufis would come to our home to meditate, drink Persian tea, and share stories. Their practice also involved serving all of creation through small acts of love, which meant being kind even when people wronged you. But it gave them a purpose: to rein in the ego.
归属感、目的、超然、说故事;这些就是意义的四大支柱。在我小时候，我很幸运能够被这四根支柱给围绕着。我父母在蒙特娄的家附近开一间苏菲派的聚会所。苏菲教派是一种和旋转苦行僧及诗人鲁米有关的灵修。每周两次，苏菲教徒会到我们家里，来冥想、喝波斯茶、分享故事。他们的修行也涉及了要透过爱的小举动，来为万物服务，也就是说，即使别人冤枉你，也要仁慈以对。但那给了他们一个目的：去驾驭自我。
Eventually, I left home for college and without the daily grounding of Sufism in my life, I felt unmoored. And I started searching for those things that make life worth living. That's what set me on this journey. Looking back, I now realize that the Sufi house had a real culture of meaning. The pillars were part of the architecture, and the presence of the pillars helped us all live more deeply.
最后，我离开家去读大学，我的人生中少了苏菲教徒每天的基础练习，感觉像是船的缆绳被解开。我开始寻找有什么能让我的人生值得活。就是这个原因让我踩上这段旅程。现在回头看，我发现那间苏菲房舍有着一种有意义的真实文化。那些支柱是建筑的一部份，而支柱的出现，让我们都能过更有深度的生活。
Of course, the same principle applies in other strong communities as well -- good ones and bad ones. Gangs, cults: these are cultures of meaning that use the pillars and give people something to live and die for. But that's exactly why we as a society must offer better alternatives. We need to build these pillars within our families and our institutions to help people become their best selves. But living a meaningful life takes work. It's an ongoing process. As each day goes by, we're constantly creating our lives, adding to our story. And sometimes we can get off track.
当然，同样的原则也适用于其他强大的社群──好的和坏的都包含在内。帮派、邪教：这些也是有意义的文化，它们利用这些支柱，给予人们活着和牺牲的意义。但那就是为什么，我们身为一个社会，必须要提供更好的替代方案。我们需要在我们的家庭及习俗制度当中建立这些支柱，来协助人们变成最好的自己。但一定要花心力，才能让人生过得有意义。它是一个持续的过程。随着每一天过去，我们不断地创造我们的人生，扩增我们的故事。有时，我们可能会误入歧途。
Whenever that happens to me, I remember a powerful experience I had with my father. Several months after I graduated from college, my dad had a massive heart attack that should have killed him. He survived, and when I asked him what was going through his mind as he faced death, he said all he could think about was needing to live so he could be there for my brother and me, and this gave him the will to fight for life. When he went under anesthesia for emergency surgery, instead of counting backwards from 10, he repeated our names like a mantra. He wanted our names to be the last words he spoke on earth if he died.
每当我遇到这状况时，我会想起我与父亲的一段经历，很有影响力的经历。我从大学毕业后几个月，我父亲罹患了严重的心脏病，本来他应该性命难保。他活下来了，我问他，当他在面对死亡时，脑中想着的是什么，他说，他唯一能想的，就是必须活下来，这样他才能陪伴我弟弟和我，这点让他有意志力能拼命活下来。当他被麻醉准备接受紧急手术时，他做的不是从10开始倒数，他把我们的名字像祈祷文般地覆颂。如果他会死，他希望他在世上说的最后几个字是我们的名字。
My dad is a carpenter and a Sufi. It's a humble life, but a good life. Lying there facing death, he had a reason to live: love. His sense of belonging within his family, his purpose as a dad, his transcendent meditation, repeating our names -- these, he says, are the reasons why he survived. That's the story he tells himself.
我的父亲是个木匠也是个苏菲教徒。他的人生是谦恭的人生，但很美好的人生。躺在那里，面对死亡，他有一个活下去的理由：爱。他在他的家庭中的归属感、他身为一名父亲的目的、他超然的冥想，不断覆颂我们的名字──他说，这些是他活下来的原因。那是他告诉他自己的故事。
That's the power of meaning. Happiness comes and goes. But when life is really good and when things are really bad, having meaning gives you something to hold on to.
那就是意义的力量。快乐来来去去。但当人生真的很美好时，当事情真的很糟糕时，若人生有意义，你就会有可以紧紧抓住的东西。