11 People You Meet At The Shanghai Gym
With this summer’s scorching heat and the occasional high AQI, outdoor exercise is essentially a death wish. Cue a gym membership - good for hiding from the sun, working out in an (probably) air-conditioned environment and most importantly, people-watching. Here are a few types of people that may crop up at your local gym:
You know Mom’s in a mood when Dad brings his kid along to the gym. As he gets into his workout, he lets the four-year old run rampant among the equipment – because it’s not like people are swinging heavy things around or anything.... Usually there’s loud screaming or giggling involved, and suddenly you can’t help but think of all the things you could do with a 15kg weight….
It’s a well known fact that old men and women in China like to keep in shape either by taking long walks or doing who-knows-what on those Chinese exercise playgrounds. But there’s always a Chinese grandpa who turns up at the weight room. He’s seemingly dressed in skin and bones - but really, he’s goddamn ripped. Watching him bench more than the guy wearing a shirt that says “GYM SHARK” is the best thing ever.
Tai-tai with her new personal trainer. ‘Nuff said.
For males, think a bro-tank with armholes that go down to the waist. He’s the type that grunt loudly during his sets and flex “unconsciously” at the mirror. For females, think minimal coverage and too-tight leggings. She’s the type to “workout” with her hair down and sneak several selfies.
We’ve all seen the Chinese local habitually walking backwards as a form of exercise. Some of them have upgraded to the treadmill, as if walking backwards on unmoving ground wasn’t enough of a challenge. It’s really quite impressive that no major accidents seemed to have happened…yet.
Whether he’s a trainer or a random regular, The Gymsplainer tends to give unsolicited workout advice. Of course, most of the time the advice is gratefully accepted, but at one point it all just becomes uncomfortable staring and sizing-up.
Walking into the gym and straight past the changing room, The Jean Jogger makes a beeline for the treadmill. They hop on and start jogging at a slow pace, trying to break-in the inflexible denim covering their legs and praying to God they don’t sweat.
A subgenus of the Jean Jogger is the White Collar Lifter, who hopes to blow off some steam after a long day at the office. Too bad the steam can’t escape their polyester dress shirt and stiff slacks.
The elliptical is truly the best cardio machine for anyone who wants to feel like they’re getting a good workout without actually doing much work. The typical Elliptical Enthusiasts plugs in their ear buds, steps on to the machine and instantly goes as hard as they can. Pumping their arms at lightning speed, they looks around to see if anyone notices how in-shape he is.
After a negligible amount of reps, The Phone-y sits down on the bench and starts scrolling through WeChat. At one point the whole gym starts looking like a waiting lounge where everyone is waiting for the results from their last set to show up already. (Pro-tip: take your phone with you onto the treadmill to rack up those WeRun steps.)
We’ve seen our share of people smoking in inappropriate places in Shanghai, but in the gym bathroom under the ‘no smoking’ sign takes the cake. Worst of all, the culprits are usually trainers — which seems akin to Alcoholics Anonymous counselors shotgunning Suntory cans in the rec room. They probably assume that the bathroom is so smelly already that the fumes will camouflage the smoke. Well, it doesn’t. All it does is make a trip to loo feel like doing your business during a forest fire.
Possibly the worst offender of all. You've finished your workout, you've had a nice cold shower, you're prepping yourself in front of the mirror and then BAM! Some guy walks up next to you, butt-naked and proceeds to use the hairdryer you were just using to dry off every single part of his body. This guy is brutal, from ballsack drying to some weird form of aerated colon cleanse, there's nothing he won't use the hairdryer for.
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