4 Guiding Principles to Inspire a Love of Learning in Kids

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Are you struggling with inspiring your child to learn? Perhaps school is stressful or boring, so your child has trouble motivating himself/herself to study, or perhaps he or she worries about failing and doesn’t have much confidence.You’ve tried all you can but nothing seems to work and as you watch your child struggle, you start to feel helpless and lost. You might even be blaming yourself, thinking you could have done things differently.First things first: you’re not alone. Being a parent is a very hard job, and the responsibility of bringing up a child weighs heavily on all of our shoulders. Many parents feel anxiety and guilt when it comes to how they are parenting, and I see a lot of provocative articles out there with headlines that stir up even more fear like “Avoid these 8 parenting mistakes that make your child stupider and more depressed” so know that I’m writing this article with caution, and it is not my intention to make you feel guilty or worry more.Every child and family is different. I cannot tell you what you should do, and there are no straightforward answers to complex human challenges, but I hope that by sharing my perspective on how I inspire my child to learn, which is based on my own reflection, experience, and knowledge I might help you too. 

Here are my guiding principles when it comes to instilling a love of learning in my child:

Let Go of Expectations

Sometimes we’re tempted to measure how successful we are as parents based on which school our kids attend.  I graduated from Stanford, and my husband graduated from MIT. A few years ago, I asked myself, “Would I be ok if my kid doesn’t go to college?” I spent a couple of days pondering about this question and arrived at the conclusion that yes, I would feel ok.But letting go of my expectations doesn’t mean that I will not help my child develop his potential, and it doesn’t mean he will be lazy and not work hard (on the contrary, kids work incredibly hard on things they’re passionate about.) Instead, letting go of expectations is about opening up my child to limitless opportunities and allowing him to go beyond my imagination.

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Support My Child in Finding His Genuine Passion

My husband has interviewed dozens of students from China interested in applying to MIT. These candidates all have a long list of very impressive achievements, but when they talk about their interests, many lacked a genuine spark in their eyes. Yet admission officers are looking for students who show a genuine, deep passion and strong leadership skills.Some people may think kids are too young to know what they want, but there are many practical ways to support our kids in developing their passion:

• Carefully observe what your child is interested in, and try to avoid making suggestions or critical judgments about what he is,or should be focusing on. (e.g. “That’s not interesting, do this part instead”)

• Creating blocks of free time so that your child has time to explore and delve into his or her interest. You may say, “My kid has so many extracurricular activities to do!” but sometimes less is more, and having a focus is more important. If your child doesn’t have enough time, it’s important to review why (e.g. could it be a study strategy issue?).

• Ask your child to reflect on their learning experiences by asking questions like, “What did you do (differently) this time?” “If you could time travel, what advice would you go back and give yourself?”

Model Instead of Teach

I know a whole lot of study, time management, and self-management skills but my child probably won’t listen to me much, especially when he hits his teenage years. Kids may or may not listen but they’re great at imitating us. My strategy is to model these skills for my child by doing it myself.

• If I want to teach him learning skills, I voice my thinking processes out loud when I’m learning or solving a problem.

• If I want to encourage him to read more, I’ve got to be reading regularly myself. I share how a book has changed my perspective.

• If I hope that he develops good habits, I start new habits myself and share my progress and challenges.

• If I want him to manage his own time, I post my weekly schedule up on a wall or invite him to join me in my weekly planning session.

Manage My Own Anxiety

Stress is contagious: when we feel stressed, our kids get stressed too.I definitely experience moments when frantic thoughts come out of nowhere (“He should be learning more Chinese,” or “He’s missing out on opportunities”), but practicing mindfulness has helped me a lot. When I’m feeling agitated, I take a pause and avoid communicating with my kid until I’m in a calmer state.And finally, when I just can’t help myself and yell at him, which is quite often, I forgive myself afterward. At the end of the day, taking care of ourselves is the best thing we could do for our children.

Charlene Ng is an academic coach, dedicated to helping young people get better grades with less stress and have more fun so that they feel confident achieving anything they want. For families whose child is in middle school and up, and who are planning to or already studying abroad, she offers limited spots for a free 45 min online consultation. To get in touch with Charlene, scan the QR code.

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Photos: Courtesy of Charlene Ng, Unsplash 

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