Don’t Sleep on It: Working Out When to Allow Pajama Parties

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The teepee tents, endless movies, popcorn, mini-spa treatments, pillow fights…  remember all the fun you had on sleepovers when you were kids? Now it’s time for your children to enjoy this rite of passage, and if your kids are like mine, they are probably very excited about the prospect of sleeping at their friends’ homes, away from the prying eyes of the parents and all their rules.

However, figuring out the right age to allow your child to go on a sleepover is up there with other tricky topics like figuring out when to allow a mobile phone or when they can start dating, and not as simple as it may seem. 

When I was growing up, sleepovers were never a topic of discussion. I suspect this was for two reasons; firstly I come from a large family with six sisters and two brothers, so every night in our house felt like the entire village and its mum had come for a sleepover anyway. Secondly, we grew up in a neighborhood bursting with kids. After school, we would easily crisscross between each other’s homes, only going back to our respective homes at a set time, for baths, dinner, and bed so this is probably why we never really had a need for sleepovers.

Last year, our oldest daughter – then seven years old – had her first sleepover with a non-family member, her best friend. It was a big step, as before that we’d only done ‘half sleepovers’, where she’d stay at a friend’s house and play, have a bath, eat dinner, put her pajamas on, even watch a movie, and then at around 9pm we’d drive back home for bed. We just felt like we weren’t ready for real sleepovers.

But when is the right time to allow sleepovers? Let’s take a look at the pros and cons:

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There are many reasons why sleepovers can be fun:

• Kids spending time outside their own house with friends can foster independence and grow meaningful friendships even deeper in the more intimate home environment.

• At sleepovers, kids may get to experience new things like a new culture or trying out new things like a meal that wouldn’t normally be cooked at home.

• Kids learn new boundaries (every household has different rules and expectations) and understand how to behave in different situations.

• In adolescent children, sleepovers can be essential in helping them prepare for wider society and for college years where they’re more likely to be living away from home.

• Sleepovers can give parents a much-needed break from the kids. Of course, it’s a different story for the parents on the receiving end but this creates an opportunity for a switch where the kid hosting could be invited for a sleepover the next time. A win-win for both sides.

There are, however, a few disadvantages:

• Children might wake up in the middle of the night, crying after a bad dream, or wanting the mama, papa, or a toy left at their house. Host parents may feel helpless in trying to soothe a crying child that is not their own.

• The chances of kids doing things that would be normally forbidden at home are high. This is because they may think they have free reign for the night to eat, stay on the internet or phone for hours, watch movies, or content that would normally not be approved at home. It takes a parent with the same parenting style as you to make sure these are all kept in check.

• Teens and adolescents are more likely to misuse social media when they are sleeping over at friends’ houses.

If you are ready to let your children have sleepovers, here are some points that should be considered beforehand.

• Communication is vital. Making clear arrangements of when kids should be expected to arrive and when they should be picked up the next day will help everyone plan better. Some parents will take advantage of the free time and may decide to leave the child at the host for a bit longer than the host may want.

• Get to know your child’s friends and friends’ parents. You don’t have to become best friends, but knowing them in a way that’s more personal than just a simple “hello” every time you meet, helps give you a better feel of how they are as parents what kind of people they are.

• Your child has to know that they have the right to leave whenever they feel uncomfortable. While driving miles in the middle of the night to pick up a nervous or uncomfortable child isn’t on the ideal sleepover list,  your child should know that you can be there when they really, really need you.

• Find out about any medication, special diet, or allergies the kids you are hosting may need or have.

• Try to agree on a shut-off point for the TV and mobile phones to get them ready for bed (preferably not in the wee hours of the morning).

It can be a bit frightening to let your child sleepover in a strange house, but children should not be too mollycoddled to the point that they are not allowed to grow friendships outside their home and with the right attitude and planning, they can be a great experience and learning opportunity for all.

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller.

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Photos: Unsplash, Pearl Kasujja Van de Velde

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