The Dangers of Comparing Ourselves to Others

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Foggy-headed, I reached to grab my phone on the nightstand to check my WeChat messages when I woke up last Thursday morning. I immediately felt a rush of adrenaline when I saw a barrage of messages popping up the parents‘ WeChat group of my son’s school.As we spent the next hour piecing the puzzle together, it seemed like the school’s decision was final, and that the primary section of the school would be closed. We changed the group’s name to “the Unschooled” as we started to accept reality.I spent the entire day talking to friends and doing research, and I came to the conclusion that given all the unknowns, doing homeschooling next year seemed like the best decision.

But I started to feel the pressure. While researching, I noticed that some parents were homeschooling because they wanted their children to advance more quickly. A friend said, “My 3rd grader is 4-6 years ahead of the public school kids, but he’s a little ‘behind’ in comparison with kids homeschooled from the beginning.”

I caught myself putting on my running shoes and getting ready for the race, thinking, “How can I accelerate my son’s learning so that he can be on top?”

As human beings, we have an innate drive to compare ourselves to others as a way to evaluate ourselves. Sometimes social comparison is great; it motivates us to improve. But more often than not, it evokes feelings of dissatisfaction, guilt, inferiority, shame, etc. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is a thief of joy.”

Growing up, I was no stranger to painful moments of feeling inferior as the youngest with two older sisters in the family. My eldest sister was 6 years older than me. She was beautiful, smart, eloquent, and knew how to capture the adoration of everyone, especially the grandparents. My grandmother was very fond of my sister who was a mirror image of herself, both having the typical Shanghainese fair skin, and she reminded her of her youthful days.

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In contrast, I was a very awkward tomboy with thick glasses and tanned skin. I often felt I was not pretty enough, not sharp enough, not talented enough, not anything enough compared to my sister. And that feeling of not being good enough stuck with me.I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this feeling; you may have some similar experiences. Throughout life, we measure ourselves using limited, overly-simplified standards. Siblings or cousins are compared with each other. On our report cards, test scores are shown next to the class average. We think Ivy Leagues are the best universities for anyone. And as adults, we never stop comparing with each other: salary, career, kids’ academic performances, etc.But life is complex. We can’t just use a limited set of standards to evaluate and capture the complexities of who we are as human beings.Also, social comparison can take the focus away from the things that really matter. When we keep comparing ourselves to others, we never really stop and think about who we want to be or what we really want to do. And when you stop to really think about it, all these comparisons might be meaningless. I’m not my sister! Why would I want to measure myself against her?Moms, in particular, tend to have the biggest struggle. We’re expected to lean in, raise kids, manage our household, stay thin, etc. One morning last year, I had coffee with a fellow mom who was a successful entrepreneur with three kids. She asked me if and how I found fulfillment as a full-time mom.

I used to be quite uncomfortable with such topics. My own mother secretly thought all the money she paid for my expensive education had gone to waste. From time to time she’d let her thoughts out, “Don’t you think being a full-time mom is a waste of your talent?”But as I gained self-understanding over the years, I’m at a place where I don’t feel the need to compare myself with others because I know what I really want. What really sparks joy in me is continuous learning and discovery. I can achieve this goal as a mother or at work. Some people may not see my growth. But I see it and that gives me a sense of fulfillment.Every one of us is as unique as our fingerprints. Our purpose and convictions are different and personal. Instead of comparing yourself to someone else’s purpose and feel you’re not good enough, stay curious to find your own. What do you really care about? What sparks joy in you? And how do you fulfill your own destiny?

Charlene Ng is an academic coach, dedicated to helping young people get better grades with less stress and have more fun so that they feel confident achieving anything they want. For families whose child is in middle school and up, and who are planning to or already studying abroad, she offers limited spots for a free 45 min online consultation. To get in touch, scan the QR code above.

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Photos: Charlene Ng, Unsplash 

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