How Hard are Cross-Cultural Marriages, Really?

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Disagreements in a marriage are that old chestnut. In fact, it sounds totally abnormal – not to mention a bit suspicious – when couples claim they never disagree and everything is always honkey-dorey. Even for two people who grew up on the same street and have known each other for many years before hooking up, marriage still throws them some serious curveballs.

When it comes to bi- or multi-cultural marriages, these common disagreements take on an alien form and may be much harder to navigate than in mono-cultural marriages.

My husband is from Belgium. I was born and raised in Uganda. We’ve known each other for over 20 years and we’ve been married for four (yes, we lived in sin for a long time – don’t judge). Our backgrounds and life stories are quite different so I can tell you in no uncertain terms that marital disagreements with someone from a different culture than yours can be something of a head-scratcher, and that’s putting it nicely. But, we’ve slowly learned – and are still learning – healthy ways of either marrying our cultures or accepting all the nuances and differences between them, without ripping each other’s eyebrows out in the process.

Let’s look at the common points of conflict for couples in a cross-cultural marriage:

What Is “Family?”

In much of the West (aka US, Canada, Europe) “family” is the nuclear model of father, mother, and their offspring. In much of the Rest (aka rest of the world), “family” constitutes the mother, father, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, cousin’s wife, their children, grandchildren… heck, even their long-time neighbor may be thrown into the family mix for good measure.

On several occasions, I’ve introduced my husband to someone and said, “Honey, meet my cousin,” but when I explain the lineage he replies, baffled, “but that’s not family because he is the son of your mum’s step-mother’s sister. There’s no blood relation.” Well, for me, that’s still family.

In many non-Western cultures, anyone old enough to be your mum or dad automatically qualifies as an “auntie” or “uncle.” Many Western folks find this hard to understand. Julie, a mum based in Nantes, France, says, “When our children call our friends “aunt” and “uncle” my husband often retorts, “No, they are not your uncle and aunt. Call them by their names!”

In the same breath, however, when it comes to family or even friends visiting, Africans and other cultures have an open-door policy. Conversely, in many Western cultures, you first have to write a lengthy email two weeks in advance before you visit your own mother.

Discipline and Manners

Many Asian and African cultures still believe in the “spare the rod, spoil the child” concept of discipline and instilling good behavior in children. In Western cultures, however, this way of enforcing discipline has been largely shunned. Most parts of Europe have completely banned corporal punishment in homes, schools, and other major establishments.

So, while a partner from the West may prefer sending the kids to time-out, the naughty step, or grounding them for a couple of weeks and revoking phone privileges, an African or Asian parent will whip out the longest stick, shoe, slipper, their bare hands – whatever is easiest or nearest to them – and smack their child’s bottom until it shines red.

Culture Quirks

Most cultures have idiosyncratic traditional practices. Partners in cross-cultural relationships should learn what they are and why they are symbolic to the other.

Netherland-based parent Rebecca says, “I found out I was pregnant while visiting my family in Uganda. As soon as I told my mum, she wasted no time getting me all tribes of traditional herbs for the pregnancy and, eventually, for the baby. A few weeks later, I flew back to Europe and excitedly showed my partner the traditional ‘magic concoctions.’ He thought I’d lost my goddamn mind. It took some lengthy explaining from me before he got round to the idea that I would be having a few showers with these herbs.”

Communication

Good communication skills are a no-brainer for any relationship to work. In cross-cultural relationships, however, what may seem a normal way of communication for one partner may be seen differently by the other. Many Africans, Latin, and Middle Eastern cultures can be emotionally expressive in conversations. Talking loudly is seen as a sign of being engaged in the discussion.

At the same time, some Europeans don’t beat around the bush and speak their minds – call a spade, a spade. When making love, for example, Western people tend to be more candid and expressive about what they want than other cultures.

Religious Beliefs

Even in mono-cultural marriages, a couple’s religious beliefs can be a source of contention. One partner may want to go to church every Sunday while the other is not really a churchgoer. One may want the children baptized while the other doesn’t see any reason why they should be.

What exacerbates the situation is mixing two religious beliefs with two different cultures. Navigating how they should celebrate holidays and native festivals that are special for both may take some getting used to.

What’s for Dinner

My husband has traveled to numerous interesting countries for work. From stable regions to those devastated by war – Iraq, Angola – he’s seen it all. Because of this, he eats anything (when you find yourself in a country with levels of food insecurity, a nice juicy filet mignon with fries and a glass of sauvignon blanc isn’t exactly on the menu). He’s eaten snakes, flying creatures, and some weird parts of a camel. So, when it came to my local food, he never flinched.

However, not everyone appreciates culinary delights that were not on their dinner plate as a child. Your spouse may gag at your chicken tikka masala or fufu while another may find your medium/rare steak or escargot Avec Fourme d’Abret Lolibox utterly revolting.

Home

You’ve both made a home and family together. But where is “home” for the partner who has had to move? Is it in his or her birth country or in the adopted country? This may create a huge identity crisis for one partner who needs to adjust to a new culture and/or learn a new language. I struggled a lot with this because not only did I have to adopt Belgium as my second home, I’ve had to move quite often with my husband to different countries for his work. This is why my husband respects the need for me to go back to my birth country often. Pre-Covid-19, I visited Uganda at least twice every year, and we have no qualms about that.

There are no tailor-made solutions for congruence in any marriage, let alone a cross-cultural marriage. It is all about understanding that you both have different perspectives on different things and learning to embrace diversity, different communication styles, and accepting all shortcomings. Learning one another’s culture means perhaps learning his or her language, visiting their birthplace, childhood home, school, buddies, and their favorite places growing up.

I still find some Belgian things irritating and my husband has a list of Ugandan norms that really tick him off. But if we both dwell on them, we can drive each other crazier than we already do (haha). So we’ve learned – and are still learning – to let go of our own biases and expectations and focus instead on teaching our kids to appreciate the authenticity of their heritage from both sides.

Images: Pexels, Giphy

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