Making the Switch From Trailing Spouse to Working Parent

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When we returned to Beijing last summer, I had my next year planned out: language lessons twice a week, get the kids into summer camp after quarantine so they’d catch all the innocent germs before school started, reconnect with friends we didn’t know we’d leave behind in January…so many fun things! Aside from all of that, however, my priority was to build a portfolio so I could find a remote job as a writer/editor and fill that “Mom gap:” the six years freelancing and working from home before both our kids were in school full-time.

What happened was this: I reconnected with Jingkids’ Managing Editor Mina Yan right when they began looking for a new Deputy Managing Editor. She encouraged me to apply and within three weeks of arriving back in Beijing, I found myself shopping for business casual clothes to wear to my first office job since I became known as “Mom.”

Despite my best intentions, however, there was no smooth transition to office life. Nevertheless, I’m forever grateful for the family-friendly work culture that True Run embodies. With (hopefully) all of my re-entry mistakes made and lessons learned, here is some thoughtful advice if you plan to transition back to work.

Talk to your kid(s) about it

I told my kids the work I would be doing, why I was excited about it, and talked through ways we could all help each other with the transition. My particular work is easy to integrate them into, so we talked through story ideas and how things would be different for them and for me.

Household chores

Teacher and mom Victoria Parr gave some sound advice regarding the housework load, suggesting that I “be sure to renegotiate household duties with your partner,” adding, “With two working parents a conversation is helpful about who will manage what. Simple things like shopping lists and grocery delivery or managing family calendars becomes trickier when two people are away from home all day.”

School contact

Until we had our after-school childcare sorted, my husband and I talked through some potential scenarios where normally, I was the default parent and now we would share the responsibilities. We determined that he needed an hour’s notice if I couldn’t get them to the bus, and other situations when we might need to pick them up from school. Whereas I was the primary emergency contact at school, we made sure his number was updated on all the materials as well. We never ended up needing these emergency protocols, thank goodness, but they were helpful to have in place.

Hire an ayi or nanny

Beijing mom Vivienne Rush took over a month to prepare the household. “I used my securing a new job as an excuse to finally cave and hire a part-time ayi. Life has never been better. I kid, but truly, I now get to actually spend time with my kid when he returns from school, instead of frantically cooking dinner while talking him through his day and homework. I am actually a ‘house manager’ rather than a ‘house slave’ now. My husband says, ‘Finally.'”

Find backup childcare

Whether it’s a friend who lives nearby or a trusted babysitter, it’s always helpful to know there is someone else who can come through in a pinch. This is especially helpful if your ayi is part-time or not live-in. I found that near the beginning of my new work schedule, I needed one evening to myself to catch up on personal time until I learned how to integrate “me time” into life again.

Mentally prepare the household for your absence

I went into the office for some training before my official start date, and that helped ease the kids into seeing me get ready and leave for work, then come home as their Daddy does. Rush also gave her dog time to get used to it and understand how to make it work better. “My dog has probably had to adjust more since I used to be around all day. She has already chewed up two pairs of shoes during my extended leaves of absence that I have been taking to prepare her for the upcoming separation. Cue in plenty of new dog toys and treats!”

Don’t forget about your transition as well

No matter how excited you might be about the position, be prepared for everything from tears and tight arms pulling you back inside the door to a complete nonreaction when you return. It took me a while to understand how drained I would be after a full day of work, and I learned to appreciate the small ways I could take care of myself to be fully present for the job, my kids, partner, and myself.

Images: Unsplash

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