Dear Me: Dating Lessons From Your Future Self

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As some of you may know, each year we do a teen takeover issue. As submissions from young people have been coming in I am reminded of what it was like to be 16. Ambitious, creative, endlessly energetic, and…boy crazy.

I have been on a lot of dates – don’t judge. Many of them were Carry Bradshaw level awful and many of them were wonderful. But as I look back on the dating advice I was given as a teenager, the guidance I received has left me a little disappointed.

While generalizations like “just be yourself” are true, they are far too nebulous to be helpful, and dating in Beijing during Covid offers a whole different set of issues to navigate on top of the normal teen stuff. So, for all the teenagers diving into the dating pool – or just dipping their toes in the water – here is the advice I wish I had been given.

Note: Forgive my hetero normative pronouns. Feel free to adjust them to your situation and as always these are my opinions, they are not facts. Always listen to your own instincts above anyone else’s advice.

Movie theaters are closed: This is a blessing in disguise. You’re in Beijing! It’s one of the most exciting and interesting cities in the world. Go play tourist together. Pack a picnic and go to the Summer Palace. Take a cooking class at the Hutong or Black Sesame Kitchen. You’re going to learn a lot more about each other if you do an activity together and actually, you know, talk.

Dinner out: I know you are living in Beijing where there is no drinking age but trust me on this, alcohol’s never made the first date better. They might be your soul mate, but also might just be a fun interesting person or a person you decide you’re okay never seeing again. Alcohol won’t help you decide that, in fact, it will confuse the issue. You’re a teenager, it’s okay to act like it.

Watch how they treat others: How someone treats their elders, relatives, and the waiter at dinner tells you a lot about them. Do they hold the door for the stranger whose arms are piled high with boxes? If so, they are considerate and attentive. Do they hold your chair but yell at the server for getting a drink order wrong? Then they probably aren’t kind when not trying to impress someone.

Laughter is not optional: If you spend more than a few hours with someone and you don’t make each other laugh this probably won’t work. Life gets tough, boring, and predictable in turns. It generally comes back around to exciting and dynamic, but the person you are with needs to get you on a basic level and you need to get them. A shared sense of humor is vital to that.

They consistently ‘neg you as a joke: The person you are with should be proud of you, they should want to brag about you, not put you down. That doesn’t mean they think you’re perfect and they should tell you when there are things you have to work on. But if they always say things like, “that’s silly,” or “it’s cute that you think that, but…” especially in front of others, they don’t respect you.

Be honest about what you want: We often get pressured to be in a relationship because it looks good from the outside. Especially in our community, the optics feel important. They went to the right school, come from a “good family” and are really, really, really ridiculously good-looking. If you like them on paper, your friends and family love them, but you don’t get excited about hanging out, move on.

It doesn’t matter how cute they are…Okay, real talk? Looks do matter. You need to be physically attracted but we all get less traditionally attractive with age. Personalities last. If you want to kiss but don’t really want to talk, that should make you pause. If they only seem to want to get physical but show no interest in what you have to say, it won’t work out in the long run. Believe it or not the social taboos around PDA in China could work to your advantage here. Because physical contact is limited, you will find out if you actually like each other or not.

It’s totally fine if you want to be single: A lot of pressure gets put on people to be in a relationship. But it’s not a requirement. There are wonderful things about being in a loving couple, but flying solo is amazing too.

No big decisions in the rainbows and butterflies faze: You found each other and are in love! Everything is perfect, and you will ride off into the sunset together. At least that’s how it feels. It’s magical and you should enjoy it! What you shouldn’t do is make any major life decisions. Don’t move, change schools/jobs, or give up on anything you loved before them. Your brain is flooded with dopamine and endorphins and it feels great, but it also means you’re not appropriately weighing the pros and cons. Let the hormones wear off a little.

Learn how to say goodbye: Dating as an expat is difficult. You never know when an assignment will change for one of your families and you will need to move. Remember that the duration of a relationship isn’t what matters, it’s what you learned from each other. I have reunited with expat friends I said goodbye to in really unexpected places. Keep in touch via social media and trust that in a community as small as ours, there is a good chance you will find each other again one day.

Finally. Be smart, be safe, have fun, and trust yourself. It’s going to be a beautiful journey!

Images: Unsplash, pexels

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