How My Family Deals With Our Expat Friends Leaving

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So long, farewell, zàijiàn, goodbye, sayonara, Auf Wiedersehen, take care, and safe travels! These are words I’ve needed to say a little too much lately, at an increasing number of farewell parties my family has had to attend. And if you’re reading this, you might be feeling the same thing we’ve been feeling.

Left behind.

It’s great that my family continues to enjoy good work opportunities in China, and I know some repatriating families would switch lives with us in a heartbeat. This is not what I’m writing about. I’m writing about losing the friendly and supportive community that we have built at the heart of our Beijing life over the last two years. I’m talking about friendship and connection, and how much of a toll it takes on us when we lose it.

My family’s made three international moves now, with a year to two-year stay at each destination. But I had never really bothered investing in a deep friendship with anyone around me. I came close once, with an amazing expat family in Indonesia that welcomed us with open arms. I still think of them fondly and try to keep up to date with how quickly their beautiful children are growing through photos on Instagram and Facebook. Truth be told though, I haven’t actually spoken to them in over a year.

This time, however, those departures are hitting a bit harder. Perhaps because I am the one being left behind, whereas previously I was the one doing the leaving. Or, perhaps, it’s simply because the people who left took a much bigger piece of my soul with them. Whatever the reason, it hasn’t been easy. And worst of all, this time, I’ve had to repeatedly remind my kid that so-and-so is no longer around for play dates, or watch him hug his friend when he does get to see them and hear him ask, “Are you leaving too?” with heartbreak in his voice. It’s there creeping up on me as well, that hollow feeling of loneliness. But I’m an adult, so I hold back the tears and make the promises we all make – to keep in touch and to not be a stranger.

But will we? Can we? With the busyness of our lives?

I say yes!

I think we should all make the effort to keep those promises of staying in touch. We certainly don’t have any excuses, what with social media apps and FaceTime technology available at our fingertips. We just have to get over ourselves and do it. Pick up that phone and call. That was one of my best friend’s tips since she relocated to Australia. She got tired of trying to coordinate calls around everyone’s schedules, and nobody remembers them anyway, or something invariably gets in the way. So she just picks up the phone and calls me whenever she feels like it. If I pick up, hurrah! If I don’t, no biggie. It’s been so nice to randomly hear my phone ring with a familiar face on the screen, rather than unknown numbers from delivery guys telling me my waimai arrived. Of course, please make sure you account for international time zones before you spontaneously dial.

If dialing isn’t your jam, you can always rely on video calling, which is available on practically every social media platform or device nowadays. I have a personal preference for Skype and WhatsApp Video, but there are so many options out there, just pick the one you and your friends are familiar with so there isn’t much fumbling around. If coordinating schedules across time zones is too challenging, you might want to check out the video walkie-talkie apps like Marco Polo, so you can have a “real” conversation “face to face” without the trouble (and lag) of live video calling.

There’s been a revival of letter-writing and sending mail in recent years, so why not hop on that bandwagon and start putting pen to paper! This is especially important for those of us with young ones who may have never (and perhaps will never) received mail. Let’s give them a slice of our childhood and teach them to write a proper letter, even if it’s just a postcard. I know that sending mail from China can be a bit of a chore, with varying degrees of success, but lo and behold, there are apps and online services that allow you to write and send a physical postcard or letter overseas! Check out former deputy managing editor Cindy Marie Jenkin’s (another person I’ll sorely miss) article on those services here.

Ultimately, no matter how well you stay connected to your friends overseas, you will need to face the reality.

Take the time to mourn a little: It isn’t silly to cry because you’ll miss someone you met and bonded with, whether it was over six months or five years. To help young ones understand the situation better, there’s an entire list of books cataloged under “books for kids whose best friend moved away” online. A personal favorite of mine is one that I bought from my home country, titled Hello Goodbye Little Island, which was written by an expat mother for her daughter in Singapore. Maybe your family could even write your own book of “having friended and lost,” specific to Beijing!

Eventually, all things come to pass. Life moves on. And so must we. Step outside of your home, check out that neighborhood cafe you’ve been eyeing, pick up a new sport (online shopping doesn’t count), and most of all, meet new people with an open heart. Yes, it’s probably still a little tense and tired from squeezing out so many tears, or you may have built a little wall around it to protect it from getting hurt again. But remember, the heart is a muscle. It gets stronger. We will learn to friend again, and again, and again.

Images: Unsplash, Vivienne Tseng-Rush

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