Confessions of a 15 Year-Old Girl: My Journey With Body Image

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Recently I had the opportunity to interview Rachel George on the topic of body image, and it inspired me to sharet my own struggles.

Ever since I was in kindergarten, I was known as the “fat girl.” When you're very young it's not a huge deal, as people tend to think that chubby babies are cute. However, as I grew up it increasingly became a line of attack that people – especially annoying boys – would use on me. I still remember a girl I considered to be a friend writing in my yearbook, “Come on Kathy, you're always the fattest pig.” I hated it so much, but as long as I was chasing my dreams, surrounded by authentic friendships and loving family, I was able to look the other way. Plus, I hate sports and love food.

As school closed and online learning began during the pandemic, so too did outdoor activities and hangouts with friends come to a grinding halt. At the same time, it presented plenty of newfound free time, which I started to fill with sports. I started with running on the treadmill, then following HIIT workout videos on YouTube, then increasing the frequency and intensity of my tennis lessons (the only sport I can enjoy). Impressively, I dropped 10kg during that half-year, and I was super proud of it. When I finally got together with my friends again, the sheer surprise in their eyes made me happy.

Unfortunately, things didn’t go so well afterwards. My original plan was to become healthier and take myself from being clinically “obese” to “normal.” However, I was no longer satisfied with the results, even though I had lost quite a lot of weight already. Simply put, I was still much heavier than most girls my age – especially when compared to the beautiful, almost surreal K-pop girl group idols. I felt ashamed of how my body looked and figured it was because I wasn't disciplined enough. Therefore, I started dieting. Controlling – or more precisely, restricting – the diet was successful, but once again, the attendant happiness and satisfaction didn’t last long. I developed eating disorders.

From drinking excessive amounts of water to only eating celery, my diet was becoming ever more extreme. When I saw a pastry, I no longer imagined how delicious it would be, but instead focused on its number of calories and gaining fat. As someone who always slept like a pig (in a good way), I suffered from insomnia which, at its worst, led to me taking a whole week off school. Worse still, I lost a lot of hair and my period stopped for three months. My mom was understandably horrified when I told her this, and I convinced myself to start eating more regularly. The sad truth though was that I cared more about other people’s comments on my appearance, and it was quite literally risking my health.

Throughout my journey, I became more and more conscious of body shaming, body issues, and beauty standards, which I wanted but never fit into. I miss the old me who didn't care about other people's comments.

I tried to save myself from thinking about all this. I tried to return to normal eating, regular workouts, and things have gone fairly well. I still can’t control my appetite and sometimes overeat. I still don't fit modern beauty standards perfectly. I am still extremely conscious about myself and feel guilty if the number on the weight balance goes up, though I know that everything will become better. One day, my mind will fully embrace the fact that we are all and always beautiful, worthy, and valuable just the way we are. All I should do is accept my glorious self.

Images: Unsplash, Kathy Shi

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