Baby Changes Everything, Including Friendships

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Everyone talks about how marriages change once a child enters the picture. And this is observably true. You literally created a new human and now you and your partner have the daily struggle of keeping them alive and happy. That’s battlefield bonding. But there is another relationship that shifts dramatically, yet receives significantly less attention. Your friendships.

For women especially, our friendships are a vital part of who we are. They help us stay balanced, process our feelings, and connect to our broader community. In many cases, our friends have seen us through university exams, new jobs, moves, parental health scares, breakups, marriages, and hangovers. Each friendship is a compilation of a million little tragedies and celebrations. They add up to make some of the deepest relationships of our lives. And we are often unprepared for how radically motherhood will change the dynamics of that relationship, both for the new mommy and the still childless friend.

I have personally been in many friendships that had the opportunity to evolve when a new baby arrived. It’s an exciting, exhausting, wonderful time and it can actually help strengthen your friend bond. But first, you have to acknowledge the frustrations on both sides. The new mom is exhausted on a level we singles can’t even begin to understand. Her life is an endless cycle of feedings, diapers, and doctors’ appointments. Add to that a cocktail of post-partum hormones that make PMS feel like a spa day, and you can maybe begin to get an inkling of what she’s going through.

Expat teacher and new Beijing mommy Upashna Rai Simandan put it this way. “I do find it hard to relate to friends who haven’t been able to conceive and mostly with single friends…The first few months postpartum is really challenging for a new mother, it can be exhausting and lonely.”

So, the first thing I tell my fellow single friends when one of our squad is navigating new motherhood is, give them space but let them know you are still there. Simandan agrees. “The best my friends have done for me is simple things [like] sending me text messages and calling once a week and asking, ‘How are you doing?’’’

But it’s not all about what mom is feeling. Your single/childless friends miss you too. Gone are the days when you can just grab a drink or go for a walk. Half the time, when we call, you can’t even talk because you are up to your elbows in bodily fluids and the focus is understandably on the baby. We are thrilled and happy for you but can also feel like we have lost our support system too. Friends are our sounding boards and our life coaches. Suddenly, that is gone…at least temporarily.

Simandan noted, “I think I may have deserted them (my friends), though not intentionally. Since this was my first and long-awaited pregnancy, I was extra careful about where I went and what I ate during social gatherings. Also, the pandemic got me a little paranoid about going out and meeting my friends. After giving birth, I got busier.”

The friendships that have lasted in my life found a balance between the needs of both people. Singles need to listen, empathize, and offer to visit mom at home instead of going out. In fact, while you are there, make mom go take a shower…she probably hasn’t had one yet today… or this week.

Mommies, we get that you need to talk about jaundice and sore nipples and all of the feelings and we got you ‘cause that’s what friends do! But remember to ask us about work, dating, and life outside of your apartment. And once you’re ready, please try and go out with us now and again. You may be a mom, but that’s not your entire identity, and a night at the movies or a cup of coffee with your bestie while hubby or ayi watches baby will actually make you a better caregiver!

Both of you need to watch out for the jealousy trap too. Simandan recalls of one postpartum friendship, “She didn’t want to call me since I was unavailable most of the time. She may have felt abandoned by me, but at the same time, I also felt very lonely…I made new mommy friends. I have joined many mommy groups where I share my concerns and also offer suggestions or just words of affirmation to other mommies. I see them as my support system.”

Singles, she is going to make new mommy friends. That is normal, natural, and will doubtlessly help her keep her sanity! No matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to understand everything she is going through. However, that doesn’t mean she loves you any less or can do without you in her life, so keep calling and messaging.

On the flip side moms, your squad’s life doesn’t stop because of your new little one. I had a friend in New York who was furious with me when she heard I went to a bubbles and raw bar happy hour. Her reaction was, “But that is our place, how could you go there without me?” I hadn’t invited her because it was alcohol and raw fish and I knew she couldn’t partake, but I didn’t think that meant I couldn’t still enjoy it. So moms, try not to take it personally if we continue doing things you need to take a break from.

Overall remember this: It’s a new phase of life and a difficult transition, but you were friends before the baby arrived, and if you can be kind, understanding, and supportive of everything you are both experiencing then this can be a wonderful period of growth in your friendship. Baby will get older and girls’ trips, happy hours, and spa days will return eventually. In the meantime, try to find ways to bond over this amazing new little person who is now a part of your community.

Images: Unsplash

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