Explaining LGBTQIA+ & Gender Identities to Parents

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As the tide of Pride Month slowly recedes and LGBTQ awareness retreats to the shadows, we tend to fall back into the pattern of ignoring the social issue until it concerns us. It should always concern us.

Choosing to ignore almost 10% of the world’s population will only hold you back from discovering the world and all its diversities. China has one of the world’s largest LGBTQ+ populations, with forty to seventy million identifying as LGBTQ+. For those with friends, family, and colleagues who are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, it is both impossible and counterproductive to ignore the issue. Taking a moment to get to know the basics will help you navigate an ever-evolving and progressing society, as well as offer your child, sibling, friend, or even colleague the support and understanding they deserve.

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Let’s start with the acronym. What does LGBTQIA+ stand for?

The earliest form of the acronym was LGBT, which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. As the world became more and more aware of the wide spectrum of gender identities and sexual orientations, the acronym was expanded to be more inclusive. LGBTQIA+ is the longest commonly used acronym and it stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, intersex, and asexual. The plus sign is used to refer to the multitudes of other identities and orientations that exist. The acronym includes both gender identities and sexual orientations. In this article, we’re going to talk about gender identity. 

There will be a second article that talks about sexual orientation, so be sure to follow Jingkids and stay tuned for that.

Two terms that confuse people and that need to be defined are gender and sex.

They are often used interchangeably, but it must be clarified that sex and gender are different things. Sex usually refers to the biological sex assigned to someone at birth based on their biological structure and physical attributes. It is based on their chromosomal make up, their hormones, and their anatomy. The two main categories are male and female, but there are also intersex people that have organs and characteristics of both sexes. 

Gender usually refers to how someone experiences and understands gender internally as part of their core sense of self. It is not determined by biological sex, it is determined by individual experience, preferences, and culture. The two main categories are masculine and feminine. Sex is usually fixed while gender can change over time.

We often think of gender as binary – you’re either a man or a woman, masculine or feminine. However, gender is far from being binary.

It exists on a spectrum and there are so many different gender identities that encompass both or neither. People whose gender identities match the sex they were assigned at birth are cisgender. People whose gender identities don’t match the sex they were assigned at birth are transgender. People who don’t identify exclusively as a man or a woman are nonbinary, which includes identities such as agender, genderfluid, and bigender. A person’s gender identity is how they identify and understand their own gender, whether it be cisgender, transgender, agender, genderfluid, or any other gender identity.

Something that is closely related to one’s gender identity is their pronouns.

When talking about pronouns in relation to gender identity, they are the words that we use to refer to others in the third person. Common examples include he/him, she/her, and they/them. People who are cisgender often use pronouns that match the sex they were assigned at birth. People who are transgender often use pronouns that don’t match the sex they were assigned at birth. People who are nonbinary usually don’t use the gendered pronouns he/him or she/her. They may use gender-neutral pronouns that aren’t categorized within the binary system such as they/them, ze/zir, or xe/xem.

In Chinese, pronouns are a little bit more complicated. For much of Chinese history up until the 1920s, there was no distinct female third person pronoun — both men and woman were referred to as 他 (tā). 他 was originally a gender-neutral pronoun with a radical of 人 (rén) which means human, so this pronoun included everyone.

Starting in the 1920s, the influx of Western cultural influence entered into language as well. Certain activists started calling for a female third person pronoun with a radical of 女 (nü) which means woman. There was a significant amount of debate around whether this new pronoun was empowering or demeaning for women, but the pronoun entered Chinese language regardless.

However, there still isn’t an accepted third person gender-neutral pronoun for Chinese people who identify as nonbinary. This is because the word for “them” in Chinese is simply the male or female third person pronoun plus 们, which indicates plurality. There are certain candidates that have been suggested, including “X也” and “Ta.” The former option replaces the radicals of 人 and 女 with X to be gender-neutral, and the latter option matches the pronunciation of the exclusively male and female pronouns while maintaining neutrality.

Unfortunately, neither option has entered mainstream usage as a gender-neutral pronoun, but the recognition of nonbinary identities has been increasing. The good thing about all Chinese pronouns (including the gender-neutral options) is that they are all pronounced tā, so if a nonbinary person close to you requests for you to use a Chinese pronoun such as Ta or X也, verbally transitioning will not be too difficult and you will only have to pay special mind to written pronouns.

“I probably wouldn’t explain my gender identity to my parents because neither of them seem like they’re likely to support modern notions of gender.” — 18-year-old queer student

When you interact with people whose gender identities aren’t cisgender, it is important to pay attention to and respect their pronouns.

Misgendering someone, which means to use pronouns or gendered language that is incorrect and doesn’t match their gender identity, can be very hurtful. It’s understandable to do it accidentally when you’re not used to using different pronouns for that person, but doing it on purpose is discriminatory and disrespectful. If your child, sibling, friend, or colleague asks you to use certain pronouns for them, try your best to remember and use the correct pronouns.

It is a learning process, but if you communicate with and genuinely pay attention to them, you will be able to understand, support, and respect their gender identity. Put in the effort to educate yourself and learn more about the LGBTQIA+ community so you can be a more aware person and a better ally to those around you.

Images: Unsplash, Tina Cui

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