Leaving Your Friends Behind and Coping With Them Leaving

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Living and studying in Beijing, as a teenager, it can be hard to let your everyday life go when it is gets time to leave. You get used to the environment, your social circle and your habits. Even the cultural part inevitably sticks to you. You get close to people and they become a big part of your life. So it can be a substantial change not only for you, but for them as well. 

This year, a lot of my friends are leaving Beijing forever. Some are still staying in China and are just changing cities, but some are going back to their home countries.

It can be scary to lose in-person contact with people you once were close with. It was a big hit to find out that my friends will not be by my side in the future. I knew them for too long to let them go without sadness.

Change can be scary, but it is part of our lives. We all go through them differently and cope with them in our own ways. To understand these feelings better, I interviewed a few students going through this process and as well a professional psychologist to help you understand that you are not alone!

Shanalee Diop

(Grade 11 student from the French International School of Beijing)

How do you think this change will affect you?

I already knew that my friends were leaving Beijing, but it was still incredibly sad, thinking of having a life without them. But I was still happy for them.

You grow from the sadness, and as a result become more mature; first comes pain, then the gains. It can be tough to go back to being on your own - it is as if you are thrown in the forest, and you must survive all by yourself.

Losing someone is hard, really hard, but you’ll get stronger as you grow. Instead of looking at the staircase, just take one step at a time. Don’t concentrate on missing them but continue enjoying your life. You may still see them again in future. In the meantime, you can still stay in contact!

Louise Henriquet

(Grade 11 student from French International School of Beijing who will for France to attend Ermitage International School)

What are your ways of coping with leaving?

Instead of feeling sad, think of it as a new beginning, like starting a new life, while still remembering the old life. I was born in Beijing, so I have been here all my life. Now I’m going to France near Paris to a boarding school. You should think of it as a twice the experience, in addition to your current life, now you also have a new life in France. So, think of it not as a loss but a gain. 

It is pretty easy to stay in contact with everyone since we all have social media, so finding people online is easy. You can always talk with everyone. A genuinely strong relationship can survive all the kilometres, and I believe that people with whom you lose touch are the relationships that are just not meant to be.

Even though I am afraid of adapting to the new school, and making new friends, I am excited to discover a new city and a new way of living.

I always try to think about the positive aspects, and focus on the new opportunities I will have. It also helps to keep in mind the reason why I am leaving, so I am mentally prepared.

Yolanda Zhou

(Former Tsinghua University High School International student who’s currently a grade 11 student at St. Mark’s school, Southborough MA)

What kind of advice can you give people who are also leaving their old life?

Do not get stuck in the past but think about the opportunities that lie ahead of you. Try to make friends and step out of your comfort zone as well.

At first, I was really nervous to adapt to a completely different culture. I also had a fear of not being able to fit in or make new friends. But at the same time, I was excited to meet new people, teachers, and peers. I really wanted to socialize with everyone after an entire year of online leaning.

Also, I called my parents almost every day for the first few months after I left Beijing, so I guess staying connected to family is important. I think that communicating with your parents can help. It worked for me, and it keeps you from getting too homesick.

What does a professional have to say about this subject? Rachel George is a therapist and life coach who’s currently working at Western Academy of Beijing (WAB) as a school counselor.

Rachel George

According to Rachel, change is difficult even when there is excitement behind it. Especially when it comes to watching our friends come and go, or when it is time for us to be the ones leaving. It’s important to remember that transitioning is a process.

It’s completely normal to have an array of feelings. Excitement and frustration. Sadness and disappointment. You may even find yourself arguing with a friend that’s leaving or becoming frustrated. That’s all normal! When our friends move it feels like an ending of sorts and sometimes, we experience our emotions in a cycle. We can be in denial, thinking the move will not happen or we try not to think about it. We can be angry and frustrated. We can definitely feel sad and upset.

When transitioning to a new place, George suggests allowing yourself to feel your feelings. Oftentimes when our feelings are a little uncomfortable, we try to ignore them. However, we want to allow ourselves time to navigate through the process.

If you’re feeling sad, allow yourself to feel that way. Angry? That’s ok too. When transitioning it’s also important to make sure you end well so you can begin well. Ensure you say goodbye to the people and even places that you held dear. This can be a face-to-face goodbye or virtually.

You also want to make sure to make amends. Other words, say sorry. Try not to let your friends leave, or you leave, on a bad note. You want to make it nice with those you leave behind. Also, while you’re making memories be sure to talk about/create a plan for how you’ll remain connected. Maybe it’s a virtual hangout once a week, or a phone call every other week. Try to make a plan on how you’re going to stay connected.

Images: Contributors' own

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