Can You Discipline Someone Else's Child?

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Real Beijing Mama asks: “What do you do when other people’s kids are being rude? When they come and take toys away from your kid or when a 3-year-old tells you to move because he wants to play where you're sitting? Do you make him ask you nicely, ignore him and keep sitting, flat out say no, or do what he tells you?”

It’s a tough question and one I’m getting more and more lately, as we see children who spent most of their life in quarantine suddenly trying to navigate social situations.

So, is it ever okay to discipline someone else’s child?

There are two separate situations mentioned above. One where you are the one in conflict with the child and one where the child is in conflict with another child. They require different responses.

When a child is rude to you, you could ignore it or just capitulate to keep the peace. And for some people, that’s the right move. But personally, I do try and constructively address it. It’s okay for a child to realize other people, including adults, have boundaries and feelings that are no less important than their own. I believe there is a positive way to model politely standing up for oneself and in the future, it may be a blueprint for the child to set healthy boundaries for themselves.

Let's take the example from above about the child telling you to move so they can play. If you don’t mind moving then in the politest way possible say, “I’m happy to move but I need you to ask me nicely please.” Most kids will correct their behavior. But, If they don’t say please you don’t need to move. That’s part of the social contract.

If you don’t want to move that’s okay too. Part of being a community member is learning that we have to share resources and space. They don’t need to play right here, right this second, so a simple – “No thank you, it’s my turn to be here right now but when I’m done I'll let you know so you can have a turn. For now, I see a great place for you to play over by the slides” – will suffice.

But when it comes to conflicts between children… that’s often a more complex issue. Below is an excerpt from an article I wrote back in September 2020. Most of this advice still applies when helping to mitigate conflict between children. I hope it helps.

Give peace a chance

The instinct is always to advocate for your child, but I am often amazed by how well children can solve issues with each other if given a little space. Several years ago, I was on playground duty and watched a preschooler try to pull a ball away from her friend. I was halfway across the yard to impart an important lesson on sharing when I heard the aggrieved child say, “I don’t like it when you take! Wait your turn please!” Her confidence stopped me in my tracks. Within a few moments, they had agreed to play together and negotiated equitable terms that any diplomatic advisor would have envied. Had I been standing closer and intervened, I would have unwittingly robbed that little girl of the opportunity to state clear boundaries and the other child the chance to respect them.

Obviously, this won’t always work out, but if it doesn’t look like the situation is dangerous, try giving the children a few beats to sort it out for themselves. They might surprise you.

Remember you are dealing with a child, not a criminal offender

If you do have to intervene and the other parent can’t or won’t get involved, remember the other child is not the enemy (even if they made your little one cry). They are a kid who is still developing impulse control and is trying to figure out the world and social boundaries. Try not to yell or shame them; and it should go without saying, that you should never put your hands on another person’s child.

This is a learning moment for everyone. You want your child to be able to clearly but compassionately stand up for themselves and you want both children to learn to respect other people’s bodies, property, and feelings. There may also be extenuating circumstances or special needs of which you are not aware, so approach them with the same kindness and understanding you would want for your own family.

Be the calm in the middle of their storm

If you had to step in, emotions are running high for both little ones so enter the fray with serene, loving authority. As long as no hitting, biting, or general kid-on-kid violence has occurred, try to get them to express their feelings: “How did you feel when they took your ball? Tell them.” Try and get the other child to express what it was they wanted and guide them towards the realization that there may be a more effective way to get it in the future. Once everyone feels heard and understood, you will be surprised how naturally apologies and forgiveness flow.

As someone who has guided more of these interactions than I can count, I know this method is more time-consuming and exhausting than simply removing the offending toy and shooing the other child away. But wouldn’t our world be a lot better if more adults had the skill set to resolve issues with words? That is learned in childhood!

Address the behavior, not the child

Your issue is not with the child but with the behavior in which they choose to engage. Avoid value judgments like calling the child “bad” or “mean” and deal directly with the issue by giving the behavior real-world consequences. For example, “I know you were upset but when you call someone a name it hurts their feelings, and then they can’t play with you anymore.” Give the child an opportunity to correct the behavior by giving an apology and finding a better way to verbalize their feelings in the future.

Be empathetic to the other parent

You will need to tell the other adult what happened and how you handled the situation. Hopefully, they will be understanding and agree with the way you reacted. If they apologize, make sure you accept graciously with a "kids will be kids" attitude. You never know when you might be on the other side of the conversation because your child had a bad day and overstepped social boundaries.

If the parent seems disengaged, unapologetic, or even aggressive try not to respond in kind. It can be easy to blame the other adult for “bad parenting” in these situations but jumping to conclusions can create an entirely new conflict. If there is a disagreement, talk it out and try to find a common ground for how you both should handle issues in the future, especially if your children will be playing in the same park or going to the same school. Keep in mind a lot could be going on under the surface. There could be issues in the home that are affecting the child, work stress that has them distracted, or they could just be embarrassed by the behavior of their child and respond in a less than productive way. These are not excuses, but going into the situation with an open mind and a caring heart will usually yield a much more satisfactory outcome.

Take culture into consideration

This is true everywhere but especially in an expat community! Not only are there different social norms for the country in which we currently reside, but every family is coming from a drastically different culture as well. For some people, the “village” mentality of child-rearing is normal, while for others it is seen as invasive and insulting. In some places queuing is standard, in others, lines are rarely if ever seen. Don’t make the assumption that your version of common courtesy is universally common and, within reason, try to be accommodating.

Children watch how adults interact to learn how to act themselves. No matter how many times you tell your children we need to respect each other, nothing will speak louder than seeing you respect someone else, even if that person isn’t returning the favor. By engaging in a civil way and working to come to an understanding, you are setting an important example for your child. Those seeds you plant now could have wonderful and long-ranging effects on the world as your child grows into a responsible and caring adult.

Images: Canva

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