TED学院 | 关于婚姻你不能不知道的事，如何能够携手一辈子？
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2019年7月28日下午3时许，演员文章和马伊琍双双发布微博官宣离婚，证实之前外界猜测。此时距离马伊琍发布“且行且珍惜”将近五年半时间。
统计显示，在美国，每年有2077000对情侣决定步入婚姻。他们忠诚地宣誓，互诉衷肠，决定共建家庭。经过隆重的婚礼和众人祝福的洗礼，新人手牵手走进婚姻，开始相爱相杀的生活。与此同时，美国新婚夫妇10年内离婚的概率高达50%。
婚姻的结局到底是互不尊重，两相厌倦，沉迷社交、搞外遇；还是激情互动、相互陪伴、忠贞不二？婚姻开始时，人人都希望白头偕老。携手一生直至终老的夫妻们，到底有什么秘诀？研究表明，幸福与痛苦的婚姻确实各有原因，并有共通之处。
以下这篇TED的演讲者珍娜·麦卡锡是一位婚姻爱情领域的作家。她这段幽默的视频，或许能让你对婚姻有新的看法。
关于婚姻你不能不知的事
by 珍娜·麦卡锡
0:11
Every year in the United States alone, 2,077,000 couples make a legal and spiritual decision to spend the rest of their lives together ... (Laughter) and not to have sex with anyone else, ever. He buys a ring, she buys a dress. They go shopping for all sorts of things. She takes him to Arthur Murray for ballroom dancing lessons. And the big day comes. And they'll stand before God and family and some guy her dad once did business with, and they'll vow that nothing, not abject poverty, not life-threatening illness, not complete and utter misery will ever put the tiniest damper on their eternal love and devotion.
每年，仅仅在美国 就有207万7000对情侣 在法律上和精神上决定 与对方共度一生 (笑声) 而且不搞外遇绝不 他买好戒指，她购入婚纱 他们一起置办 各种东西 她带他去Arthur Murray舞蹈教室上课 学跳交际舞 之后喜事来临 他们在主和家人的见证下 还包括她父亲曾经的生意伙伴 他们发誓，无论何事 无论是一贫如洗还是身患绝症 抑或是遭遇彻头彻尾的苦难 都丝毫不会影响 他们永恒的爱与忠诚。
1:07
(Laughter)
1:09
These optimistic young bastards promise to honor and cherish each other through hot flashes and mid-life crises and a cumulative 50-lb. weight gain, until that far-off day when one of them is finally able to rest in peace. You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore. And then they'll get stupid drunk and smash cake in each others' faces and do the "Macarena," and we'll be there showering them with towels and toasters and drinking their free booze and throwing birdseed at them every single time -- even though we know, statistically, half of them will be divorced within a decade.
这些乐观年轻的混蛋们 许诺尊重并珍惜彼此 从新婚 到中年危机 到持续增加50磅的体重(45斤) 直到在遥远未来的某一天 两人中的一个 终于得以安息 因为他们再也听不到对方的鼾声了 他们会喝的得醉醺醺 向对方掷蛋糕，唱玛卡雷娜二重唱 我们也会在场 一次次举杯庆贺 狂饮免费酒水 向他们扔鸟食 我们一贯如此 即使我们知道 统计表明 一半以上的婚姻维持不到10年。
1:54
(Laughter)
1:57
Of course, the other half won't, right? They'll keep forgetting anniversaries and arguing about where to spend holidays and debating which way the toilet paper should come off of the roll. And some of themwill even still be enjoying each others' company when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.
当然，另一半婚姻尚未终结，对不对? 他们会一直忘记纪念日 为去哪儿度假而争吵 互相争辩 厕纸 该按什么方向摆 他们中的一些人 也会一直享受有对方的陪伴 知道牙齿松动嚼不动固体食物。
2:20
And researchers want to know why. I mean, look, it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled studyto figure out what makes a marriage not work. Disrespect, boredom, too much time on Facebook, having sex with other people. But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things -- respect, excitement, a broken Internet connection, mind-numbing monogamy -- and the thing still can go to hell in a hand basket. So what's going on when it doesn't? What do the folks who make it all the way to side-by-side burial plots have in common? What are they doing right? What can we learn from them? And if you're still happily sleeping solo, why should you stop what you're doing and make it your life's work to find that one special person that you can annoy for the rest of your life?
研究人员希望知道原因 这并不需要一个双盲的对照组研究 来破解婚姻失败的秘密 互不尊重、厌倦 沉迷Facebook(脸书网站) 搞外遇 你也可以举出上述所有的反义词 互相尊重、新鲜刺激 断网 麻木的一夫一妻制 但还是搞砸了 所以维系婚姻的究竟是什么? 那些成功携手 生同衾、死同穴的伴侣 有何共通点? 他们做对了哪些? 我们能从中学到什么? 如果你是个快乐的单身贵族 为什么一定要放弃现在的生活 而毕生投入于找寻那个特别的人 那个你一辈子都觉得很烦的人?
3:20
Well researchers spend billions of your tax dollars trying to figure that out. They stalk blissful couples and they study their every move and mannerism. And they try to pinpoint what it is that sets them apart from their miserable neighbors and friends. And it turns out, the success stories share a few similarities,actually, beyond they don't have sex with other people.
研究人员花费了几十亿纳税人的钱 来寻找原因 他们跟踪调查美满的婚姻 他们研究夫妻间的所有行为和特殊习惯 他们尝试精确定位 幸福的夫妻不同于 不幸的邻居朋友们的所有不同之处 结果发现 成功的婚姻 的确有一些相似之处 而不仅仅是不搞外遇。
3:45
For instance, in the happiest marriages, the wife is thinner and better looking than the husband.(Laughter) Obvious, right. It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss because, women, we care a great deal about being thin and good looking, whereas men mostly care about sex ... ideally with women who are thinner and better looking than they are. The beauty of this research though is that no one is suggesting that women have to be thin to be happy; we just have to be thinner than our partners. So instead of all that laborious dieting and exercising, we just need to wait for them to get fat, maybe bake a few pies. This is good information to have, and it's not that complicated.
比如说，在幸福的婚姻里 妻子都比丈夫要苗条好看 (笑声) 明显正确 很明显这一点是婚姻幸福的原因 因为女人都很看重 身材和美貌 男人大多在乎性 最好是跟 比他们苗条好看的女人 这项研究的妙处在于 没有人在暗示说 女人要瘦才会快乐 只要比伴侣瘦一点儿就行 这样就不用艰苦锻炼 勉强节食 我们只要等着自己的男人发福就好 也许再多烤几个派 这是很好的消息 也不复杂
4:32
Research also suggests that the happiest couples are the ones that focus on the positives. For example, the happy wife. Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut or suggesting he go for a run, she might say, "Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way to make me relatively thinner." These are couples who can find good in any situation. "Yeah, it was devastating when we lost everything in that fire,but it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars, and it's a good thing you've got all that body fat to keep us warm."
研究也显示 幸福的夫妻 聚焦于事物的积极一面 比如说，一个幸福的妻子 不会指责丈夫腰围渐粗 也不会建议他出去跑步 她很可能会说 “宝贝，谢谢你已经开始努力 让我相对更苗条。” 这些夫妻能够在任何情况下都找到好的一面 “这可真是太惨了 我们在火灾中失去了一切 不过在满天星斗下熟睡也是一桩美事 而且你刚好还有足够的脂肪 让我们保暖。”
5:08
One of my favorite studies found that the more willing a husband is to do house work, the more attractive his wife will find him. Because we needed a study to tell us this. But here's what's going on here. The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have; the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her; the nicer he is to her, the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed -- and ultimately, they live happily ever after. In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch in the domestic department.
我尤其喜欢的一项研究发现 丈夫越愿意做家务 妻子就觉得他越迷人 因为我们着实需要有项研究来告诉我们这个结论 然后我们有以下推理 妻子越觉得丈夫有吸引力，就会有越多性爱 他们有越多性爱，丈夫就对妻子越好 丈夫对妻子越好 妻子就越少唠叨丈夫把湿毛巾扔在床上 最终，他们一直幸福地生活在一起 换句话说，男人们也许应该 在家里多干点活儿了
5:42
Here's an interesting one. One study found that people who smile in childhood photographs are less likely to get a divorce. This is an actual study, and let me clarify. The researchers were not looking at documented self-reports of childhood happiness or even studying old journals. The data were based entirely on whether people looked happy in these early pictures. Now I don't know how old all of you are,but when I was a kid, your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera that held something called film, and, by God, film was expensive. They didn't take 300 shots of you in that rapid-fire digital video mode and then pick out the nicest, smileyest one for the Christmas card. Oh no. They dressed you up, they lined you up, and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye. But still, I have a huge pile of fake happy childhood pictures and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people to get a divorce.
另一项有趣的研究 发现 在童年时期的照片里笑着的人 离婚率较低 这是一项真实的研究 让我解释一下 研究人员并不是 看文字记录的童年幸福记录 或者从前的日记之类 数据全部来源于 人们是不是看上去高兴 显示在这些早年的照片中 我不清楚在座各位的年龄 但当我还是小孩儿时 家长拍照用的是一种特殊的相机 里面装着一种叫胶卷的东西 天哪，胶卷这玩意儿真是贵 他们可不是拍上300张 用那种数码录像的帧数速度 然后再挑上一张最漂亮的，笑得最好的照片 放在圣诞卡上 哦不是的 他们把你打扮好，排上队 然后叫你冲着相机笑要不然生日派对直接结束 即使这样，我也有一大堆 假装幸福的童年照片 我很庆幸这些照片让我看起来 不那么容易离婚
6:49
So what else can you do to safeguard your marriage? Do not win an Oscar for best actress. (Laughter)I'm serious. Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon, all of them single soon after taking home that statue. They actually call it the Oscar curse. It is the marriage kiss of death and something that should be avoided.
你还能做什么 来守卫你的婚姻? 不要去赢奥斯卡影后 (笑声) 我是认真的 贝蒂.戴维斯、琼.克劳馥、哈利.贝瑞、希拉里.斯旺克、 桑德拉.布洛克、瑞茜.威瑟斯彭、 她们所有人 在把小金人带回家后不久都成了单身 真的有种说法叫“奥斯卡诅咒” 这是婚姻的死亡之吻 应该极力避免
7:15
And it's not just successfully starring in films that's dangerous. It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy causes relationship satisfaction to plummet. (Laughter) Apparently, the bitter realization that maybe it could happen to us, but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will, makes our lives seem unbearably grim in comparison. And theoretically, I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered or dies in a fiery car crash, we are more likely to walk out of that theater feeling like we've got it pretty good.
在电影里成功饰演角色 不是唯一危险的 研究发现，只是看一部浪漫喜剧 就能导致婚姻关系满意度直线下降(笑声) 很明显，苦涩地意识到 片中故事有可能是真的 但尚未也很可能永远不会发生在自己身上 这种认识更加突显了人生不能承受之殇 人比人，气死人 理论上说 假设我们选择看一部电影，角色被残忍的杀害 或者死于惨烈的交通事故 我们走出电影院时 感觉可能还相当好
7:53
Drinking alcohol, it seems, is bad for your marriage. Yeah. I can't tell you anymore about that onebecause I stopped reading it at the headline. But here's a scary one: Divorce is contagious. That's right -- when you have a close couple friend split up, it increases your chances of getting a divorce by 75 percent. Now I have to say, I don't get this one at all. My husband and I have watched quite a few friends divide their assets and then struggle with being our age and single in an age of sexting and Viagra and eHarmony. And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage than a lifetime of therapy ever could.
饮酒似乎是 对婚姻不利的 是的 我没什么可告诉你们的 因为(这篇文章)我读到标题就不读了 这还有一条可怕的 离婚会传染 没错 如果你的好朋友分手了 你自己离婚的可能性 会增加75% 这条一点儿也不适用于我自己 我丈夫和我 目睹了一些朋友分家产 挣扎着生活 在我们这个年龄独身 在这个充斥色情短信和伟哥的时代 还有相亲网站 我却觉得这些朋友(的经历)对于我自己婚姻的帮助 比终身治疗的帮助还要大
8:40
So now you may be wondering, why does anyone get married ever? Well the U.S. federal governmentcounts more than a thousand legal benefits to being someone's spouse -- a list that includes visitation rights in jail, but hopefully you'll never need that one. But beyond the profound federal perks, married people make more money. We're healthier, physically and emotionally. We produce happier, more stableand more successful kids. We have more sex than our supposedly swinging single friends -- believe it or not. We even live longer, which is a pretty compelling argument for marrying someone you like a lot in the first place.
你们可能会问 人们为什么要结婚? 美国联邦政府 列举出上千条法律上的 结成配偶的好处 包括监狱探视权但愿大家永远别用到这一条 除了各种各样的政策福利 已婚人士收入更高 更健康 无论是肉体上还是精神上生养更快乐、情绪更稳定 更成功的下一代 已婚人士有更多性爱 比起他们看似放纵的单身朋友 信不信由你已婚人士更长寿 这是个很有力的理由 用来结婚 但前提是你要非常喜欢你的对象
9:29
Now if you're not currently experiencing the joy of the joint tax return, I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness who prefers horror movies and doesn't have a lot of friends hovering on the brink of divorce, but I can only encourage you to try, because the benefits, as I've pointed out, are significant. The bottom line is, whether you're in it or you're searching for it, I believe marriage is an institution worth pursuing and protecting. So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today to weigh your personal strengths against your own risk factors.
如果你目前没有享受到 联合纳税申报的喜悦 我无法告诉你如何找到一个热爱家务的人 有着近乎理想的身材和吸引力 爱看恐怖电影 又没有太多身处离婚危险的朋友 我只能鼓励你去积极尝试 因为就如我刚刚指出的结婚好处多多 关键在于，无论你已婚还是在寻找姻缘 我相信婚姻制度 都是值得施行和维护的 希望大家能用上今天我提供的信息 来扬长避短 来扬长避短
10:07
For instance, in my marriage, I'd say I'm doing okay. One the one hand, I have a husband who's annoyingly lean and incredibly handsome. So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up. And like I said, we have those divorced friends who may secretly or subconsciously be trying to break us up. So we have to keep an eye on that. And we do like a cocktail or two. On the other hand, I have the fake happy picture thing. And also, my husband does a lot around the house, and would happily never see another romantic comedy as long as he lives.
譬如我自己 我的婚姻还不错 但是 我丈夫苗条地让人羡慕嫉妒恨 还无可救药的帅 显然我要赶紧让他发福 我也说过，我们有那些离了婚的朋友 心怀不轨或是无意识地 要拆散我们 我们得小心了 我们也喜欢来一两杯不过 我有那些假装高兴的照片 而我丈夫做很多家务 也绝对乐意 永远不看爱情喜剧
10:45
So I've got all those things going for me. But just in case, I plan to work extra hard to not win an Oscar anytime soon. And for the good of your relationships, I would encourage you to do the same. I'll see you at the bar.
所以形势于我还是有利的 不过要以防万一 我要加倍努力 绝对不要拿到小金人 为了你们自己的婚姻 我鼓励你们也这样做 我们酒吧见。
*素材源自网络。图片：Pixabay.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
内容来源：网络资源，仅供学习，侵权即删
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