Humor | Read Classic Books In Under A Minute
如果你曾向人抱怨，我就是没时间读书，那么好，现在你有救了。
If you’ve ever lamented to someone about not having enough time to read, there’s a cure for what ails you.
01
《了不起的盖茨比》
The Great Gatsby
by F. Scott Fitzgerald
盖茨比：“黛西，我挣的这些钱都归你，因为我爱你。”
Gatsby: “Daisy, I made all this money for you, because I love you.”
黛西：“我无以为报，因为我代表了美国梦。”
Daisy: “I cannot reciprocate, because I represent the American Dream.”
盖茨比：“那我现在就得死，因为我也代表了美国梦。”
Gatsby: “Now I must die, because I also represent the American Dream.”
(盖茨比死了)
(Gatsby dies)
尼克：我恨这帮纽约客。
Nick: I hate New Yorkers.
02
《太阳照常升起》
The Sun Also Rises
by Ernest Hemingway
陈腐的海明威式角色叙述：“那是战后的欧洲。我们都很沮丧。我们酗酒。我们仍然很沮丧。”
Stock Hemingway Narrating Character: “It was in Europe after the war. We were depressed. We drank a lot. We were still depressed.”
03
《麦田守望者》
The Catcher in the Rye
by J.D. Salinger
霍尔顿·考菲尔德：“恐惧、恐惧、恐惧、脏话、粗口、脏话、发疯、发疯、恐惧、脏话、粗口，这社会太垃圾，我就是个傻瓜。”
Holden Caulfield: “Angst angst angst swear curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society sucks, and I’m a stupid jerk.”
04
《神曲》之《地狱》
Inferno
by Dante
有个女人带但丁去地狱走了一遭。
Some woman puts Dante through Hell.
05
《白鲸》
Moby Dick
by Herman Melville
伊希梅尔：“叫我伊希梅尔。”
Ishmael: “Call me Ishmael.”
亚哈船长：“全体船员，我们要去找那只白鲸，然后干掉它，因为我是个疯子。”
Captain Ahab: “Crew, we will seek the white whale and kill it, because I am insane.”
全体船员：“哎呀要死啊，你这毁灭性的妄想将招致我们的灭亡。”
Crew: “Alas, your destructive obsession will be our undoing.”
(他们几乎找到那只白鲸了。然后他们又几乎找到那只白鲸了。然后他们找到了。)
(They almost find the white whale. Then they almost find the white whale. Then they find it.)
亚哈船长：“我刺、我刺……”
Captain Ahab: “I stab at thee. I stab at thee.”
(所有人都死了，除了伊希梅尔，不过这不算稀奇，因为这个结局通篇都有暗示——真的是“通篇”。)
(Everybody dies except Ishmael, although this is no surprise, because it was foreshadowed continually from the beginning.)
06
《丛林》
The Jungle
by Upton Sinclair
坏事发生了。更坏的事发生了。好点儿的事发生了。很糟糕的事发生了。吉盖斯发现了社会主义，心情豁然开朗。
Bad things happen. Worse things happen. Better things happen. Awful things happen. Jurgis discovers socialism and gets all happy.
07
《瓦尔登湖》
Walden
by Henry David Thoreau
亨利·大卫·梭罗：“一个真正富有的人并没有钱，他拥有的是勇气、真理，以及一个强大内心，强大到足以超越我们外表、肉体的一切消极。这就是为什么我要生活在穷乡僻壤。”
Henry David Thoreau: “A truly rich man doesn’t have money, but rather courage, truth, and an inner glory that transcends the passiveness of our physical beings. That’s why I’m going to live in the boonies.”
(两年后……)
(Two years later … )
“我待够了这鬼地方，我要回城里去干我的老本行，开铅笔厂。嗯，不过呢，我之前说的仍然算数。”
“I’m getting the heck out of here and getting my pencil-making job back. Um. But what I said still goes.”
08
《战争与和平》
War and Peace
by Leo Tolstoy
列夫·托尔斯泰：“历史操控着我们所做的每一件事，因此，观察个人行为毫无意义。且让我们以超长的历史眼光来审视超过500名角色的个人行为吧。”
Leo Tolstoy: “History controls everything we do, so there is no point in observing individual actions. Let’s examine the individual actions of over 500 characters at great length.”
09
《哈克贝里·芬历险记》
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
by Mark Twain
(走四方。回家乡。)
(Goes rafting. Goes home.)
10
《傲慢与偏见》
Pride and Prejudice
by Jane Austen
达西：对我来说，什么都不够好。
Mr. Darcy: Nothing is good enough for me.
伊莉莎白：我绝不会嫁给这种傲慢的家伙。
Ms. Elizabeth Bennet: I could never marry that proud man.
(他们都改主意了。)
(They change their minds.)
11
《弗吉尼亚·伍尔芙全集》
The Collected Works
of Virginia Woolf
生命如此美丽、悲剧。让我们将花朵放进花瓶。
Life is beautiful and tragic. Let's put flowers in a vase.
12
《格列佛游记》
Gulliver's Travels
by Jonathan Swift
(格列佛到处旅游。)
(Gulliver travels around the world.)
一个小人国居民：我们很小。
A Lilliputian: We are very small.
一个大人国居民：我们很大。
A Brobdingnagian: We are huge.
一匹马：我能讲话。
A horse: I can talk.
(格列佛回家了。)
(Gulliver returns home.)
格列佛：人性简直糟透了。我恨人类。
Gulliver: Human nature is terrible. I hate humans.
13
《老人与海》
The Old Man and the Sea
by Ernest Hemingway
一个老头捕了条鱼。鱼太大，船装不下。鱼被鲨鱼吃干抹净。老头回了家，死了。
An old man catches a fish that's too big for his boat. The fish gets eaten by sharks. Then he goes home and dies.
14
《罗密欧与朱丽叶》
Romeo and Juliet
by William Shakespeare
罗密欧：噢！朱丽叶！
Romeo: Oh, Juliet!
朱丽叶：噢！罗密欧！
Juliet: Oh, Romeo!
罗密欧：噢！朱丽叶！
Romeo: Oh, Juliet!
朱丽叶：噢！罗密欧！
Juliet: Oh, Romeo!
罗密欧：噢！朱丽叶！（死了）
Romeo: Oh, Juliet! (dies)
朱丽叶：噢！罗密欧……罗密欧？天啊……
Juliet: Oh, Romeo!......Romeo?......Dammit.
(朱丽叶也死了。)
(Juliet also dies.)
西方人的小幽默，你get到了吗？
摘自译言网
译者：江烈农
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