My Story with Depression, New CandleX Column Launch

Today, we are finally formally launching the column: My story with Depression. Nothing is more powerful  than sharing our fears and embrace our volunerability. By doing this, we start to accept ourselves and heal.

This CandleX's new initiative intends to bring honesty, volunerability, and acceptance to our community . So there you go, our first story from the Founder and Executive Director of CandleX, Xiaojie Qin.

“Have you thought about doing your life story here?” a friend from the retreat center, New Life Foundation (NLF) asked me.

“My story? I don’t know. I mean, it’s kinda boring, my life. Nothing too dramatic happened.” I replied while walking with him after the Monday Life Story night. Secretly, I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to go all out about my struggle with depression.

(as we were walking on this road)

It was 2 weeks after I arrived at the foundation in 2014. I made friends, and I’ve felt that my heart was more open.

A few days later, I got a text message.

“…She killed herself…”

(the candles that I lit in the temple next to NFL for her)

My mind went completely blank. For a very long time, I was too weak to walk. There were no words that can describe the sensation that I felt, and the emotions that I had. It was just, surreal. I knew she had clinical depression. I adviced that she should be taken to a rehab center two days ago.

Besides all the tears that I cried, I just painted. I don’t really paint, but I just painted.

Days later, I told the host of Life Story this: “Yeah, I’d like to do my life story the last Monday that I am here”.

Then I did.

My whole life was in front of my eyes, all the happiness and sorrows, my laughters and the struggles, and everything that I was proud of and was afraid to let people know. It’s all there out in the open.

(Oct 2014, in the listening hall reading my notes before I started)

Depression was a large part of the story that I presented. Everyone at the foundation thought I was so full of joy, energy and love for life. None expected that I have struggled with mental illness for so long in the past.

I finally asked myself the question: why hide it? People die from depression. She died. I almost died from depression few months ago. I almost died!

I no longer should shame myself with it like all other ignorant people do already. If I want other people to know better, I should know better. I should know better and stand up for it.

(Oct 2014, in the listening hall getting ready to do my story)

“So what do you want people to know hearing your story?” I asked myself.

The voice was loud and clear.

I just wanted to let people know that depression can happen to all of us, not always the least fortunate, but all of us regardless of your intelligence, social status, economic status, relationship status, etc. I know I have a great family, good job, great friends, and healthy life style. It happened to me. I know there must be others who chose suffer silently too. In a way, I guess I was sick of being silent!

I also wanted myself to know that “you don’t need to carry all of this on your own. Just put it down. No longer need you to fake a smile when you don’t feel like it; no longer you need to pretend to be strong when all you need is care and support.” Maybe in doing this, I can achieve it?

So there it is, the 30 mins life story limit was pushed to 60 mins. I forgot the time and just kept going. The host didn’t stop me. I just rambled on.

(the Listening Hall where I told my story for the first time)

People came up to me and thanked me for my story. As a ritual, I got hugs, words of encouragement, and made even deeper meaningful connection there.

(a friend gaving a hug after listening to my story)

Now, 1.5 years have passed. CandleX has been running for over one year, and I have been able to share my story with so many more people, and honorably in return, I get to hear their own stories, that have been the resource to drive me and CanleX forward.

Looking back, all these changes all started from there, that day I shared my own story true to my backbone!

Now, I am launching CandleX “My Storywith Depression” column because I want to create a platform for you, the same one that NLF created for me. Here, stare back at the black dog you have came across.

This particular CandleX column is a place to ACCEPT yourself the way you are, SHED the weight, to EMBRACE our vulnerability, to treat yourself with care and COMPASSION.

We will be publishing articles from our own CandleX community members here, their story with depression, mania, and/orsevere anxiety.

We invited you to be part of the light, email us your story to: [e-mail]. You can stay anonymous.

When we share, we heal together.

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CandleX

CandleX has the overall objective to increase awareness and knowledge of depression and bi-polar disorder, reduce social stigma attached, and to provide social support for those who are experiencing depression, mania and/or anxiety. 

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website: candlex.org

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