Bad Things Happen, But Why Me?-Xiaojie's Story with Depression

Talking about my own depression has never been an easy thing. I used to hide it, conceal it, and even pretend to myself that maybe I wasn't struggling. However, every time it happened, my heart screams loundly: WHY ME?!

As I learned psychology and neurology in late 2014, I began to understand. Gradually, as I started to face it, I started to accept it, and I started to feel less negative about it. That attitude changes directed me onto the right track of dealing with it in a positive way.

In Autumn 2015 in NYC, when I sat down in the park at sunset, it all just came to me in a powerful way. So I wrote it down.

--Xiaojie Qin

Founder and Excutive Director of CandleX

Author and Editor in Chief

Xiaojie Qin

Autumn of 2015, I was visiting the New York City.  I joined a walking tour, and the very interesting guide took us to one of the sites: 911 memorials.  This is a very interesting memorial, given that instead of building something UP, this one is going back down into the earth.

The water falls into this seemly endless hole. As I looked down, the sense of loss, unknown, confusion arose.

 (911 memorial NYC, Xiaojie 2015.09)

After that, I went to the Battery Park at sunset, my thoughts started to flow, so I started writing them down on my cellphone.

 (Battery Park NYC, Xiaojie 2015.09)

Why me? That's the question I kept asking again and again compulsively when going through my darkest depressive episodes.

"I have tried to do everything right, having healthy diet, always being careful of the friends that I make, working hard, exploring my interests and staying active, and stay away from bad relationships. Yet, I get into the darkest moments of life where the world collapsed on me for no reason. What did I do to deserve all this? I have done everything I can and there is just no more left in me to change this. Out of all the illnesses, I have to have this?!" I felt I was being buried alive and no one noticed.

Why Me?

(Aeon I, Pere Ibañez, I.See.Dark. 2015)

On top of all sadness, pain, numbness, loss of energy, words, and the ability to smile or feeling the existence of any kind of loving relationship, I let this abusive voice torture me endlessly. It's a daily monologue that my mind created. It's a daily despair that I struggled with. It pointed it out to me that I had gone crazy inside.

(I See Dark, Pere Ibañez, I.See.Dark. 2015)

Both portrait pictures in this article are from a friend of CandleX ,Pere Ibanez. See at the end of the article for more info

It's hard to accept that I have bipolar disorders. For years, I didn’t even think about it myself. Obviously, ignoring it didn't make it go away. It came back to me, staring at and hunting me until I was in the corner and had to try to accept it, acknowledge it and learn to live with it.

Very slowly, I learned to challenge the abusive monologue that tells me that I am not enough, and ask: if it were my best friend, would I still get so angry with her when she’s feeling down and totally vulnerable? No, I would be gentle and say that I am here, and tell her that you are a wonderful person even though you absolutely don't feel like it, and I would just be patient and let her know that this shall pass.

That was the moment I finally, finally, finally changed my perspective. I started to treat myself with compassion.

Yes, sometimes in my life, I can’t be this productive, confident, fun and smart, and sometimes I seem to have lost interests in everything that I love. I seem bored, lazy, weak and like a zombie. It’s okay. It’s okay!

Every day, many people in this world are told that they have cancer, or they lose their arms in a car accident, or they lose a loved one to a terrorist attack. Why them? Why anyone?

We can't afford asking "why me?".  It straps us in trauma instead of helping us to learn a new skill to cope. Perfection is the devil's voice that tells us that we are not enough. It pushes down whatever we build up, and it slaves us.

I don't know what abusive voices you may be experiencing. if you do hear it, just be your own best friend and know that you've been trying your best in life. Sometimes in the life of Marathon, I have to crawl, and I don't seem to make any progress on the track. But now, I have learned to look at it a different way. As long as I am hanging in there, I am winning.

Little sunset writing at Battery Park in New York City, after visiting the 911 memorials.

May all souls that have been going through trauma, peace.

Xiaojie

Oct 2015

Reference and Special Recommendation:

“I.See.Dark” is Pere Ibañez latest book and photo collection in 2015, an artistic exploration of mortality, fate, and strength in overcoming the unknown. Employing linguistic and visual cues from European witchcraft and folklore, Pere Ibañez creates a slow-burning narrative of fear and resistance in the face of challenge and despair. The book is available in digital and print formats through western iTunes and Amazon.

This article is from CandleX column: My Story with Depression. This column is dedicated to raise awareness on depression and bi-polar disorder through sharing personal depression stories, experiences, perspectives and reflections.

All articles are from CandleX community members.

If you'd like to share your stories and experience with depression, mania and/or severe anxiety or stress, please contact us at: [e-mail]

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CandleX has the overall objective to increase awareness and knowledge of depression and bi-polar disorder, reduce social stigma attached, and to provide social support for those who are experiencing depression, mania and/or anxiety. 

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