The Fine Line between Life and Death l Xiaojie's poem
You are in China. You have depression. You feel all alone. You want to check out. I don’t know who you are. But I know what you are going through, because I have been there. You may think nobody cares, but I care.
On this year's World Suicide Prevention day (9/10), I wrote this poem for those...
whose light’s dimmed by depression,
who feel so much pain and despair, and are ready to go,
whose life hangs by a string and nobody knows.
I hope this poem can bring you the strength to hang in there.
-Xiaojie
Author l Xiaojie
10th Sep 2016
It’s disappointing, when you look into the mirror every morning;
It’s terrifying when you stand at the tip of a cliff with no space to back away;
It’s hopeless, lost in the ocean without the sight of the shore;
It’s painful, when the music plays and the heart aches;
It’s suffocating, when you try to breath but it feels like you are in a vacuum.
The rest is nothing, pulseless, numb.
One day, you hear a voice in your head that tells you to end it all.
It’s scary at first.
Soon, the never ending pain makes the voice sound gentle.
You look inside,
Your soul has already rotted.
You can be surrounded by people who love you,
But still feel totally alone.
There’s only pain left, the undesirable pointless pain.
One day, you decide it's time to follow the voice.
There comes the plan.
You can’t think anymore,
You know it’s gonna hurt people around you,
You have said sorry to them in your head thousands of times,
For the pain you are going to cause them.
You wrestle with following the plan.
You call the suicide prevention hotline when the world is asleep,
You are talking to a person on the other end about your life,
There’s not much to talk about,
You just don’t get why you feel this way.
That person makes you promise not to kill yourself,
You say the words you know they want to hear,
Only to find the voice in your head is louder.
One day, you write a letter,
To people that you know who will want an answer.
You pick up the pen,
There seems to be so much that you want to say.
But words don’t come.
You write while tears pour down your cheek:
“Sorry, I can’t do it any longer. I have depression. I am too sick to get well. I am sorry…”
Strangely, some days you start to feel a bit better,
Knowing that you are going to rest in peace.
Other days, you feel nervous,
Not knowing what’s after death.
But you decide to gamble,
You are already burning in a living hell.
The rest of the days, you see this world in slow motion.
You frame the smile of your friends in your head,
You take a snap shot with your eyes,
The corner of the road you turn every day as you pass by it,
You dance with your friends for the last time,
After your favorite song,
You hug them as usual,
But tighter.
You are saying goodbye,
But no one knows that you are saying goodbye…
You are scared when the day comes,
You’ve never been that scared.
Your body is shaking because it still wants to live,
But your mind is determined to destroy the demon that torments you.
Taking your life is the only way to do that,
You affirm to the voice,
And you close your eyes.
“I never imagined it would end this way.
Goodbye, life”
Your body isn’t ready to go,
It fights back,
You wake up feeling disoriented and useless.
For a second time, you have to make a big life decision,
“To live”
I never knew I could come out of this.
Now every day is a given.
I allow myself to be frustrated, sad, angry or broken at times.
I am glad depression didn’t take me.
I am grateful to be able to smell, see, hear and feel.
Life is a miracle.
My life is a miracle.
Please know that depression is a medical illness (go to Depression Causes session for more info). I got through it, and so will you! You can't promise that life won’t try to take you down, but you can promise your life to try battle it.
Talk Helps
Please call the lifeline because things do change even when you feel like they aren't going to:
If you are in China, please call Lifeline Shanghai for English or Chinese speaking people who can help | Tel: 021-6279 8990 |
If you prefer to call a home lifeline, global number by country available |
To understand what’s happening to you, please visit our CandleX “Classroom”column ;
To understand how others have gotten through depression, please visit our CandleX “My Story with Depression” column .
CandleX has the overall objective to increase awareness and knowledge of depression and bi-polar disorder, reduce social stigma attached, and to provide social support for those who are experiencing depression, mania and/or anxiety in China.
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