Lesson 5.2 I Have Major Depression- The DOS (Part 1）

According to Jin Liu, Hong Ma, etc., (World Psychiatry 2011: 10:210-216) throughout the entire world and among all illnesses, the treatment gap for mental disorders is huge. This number in China is unacceptably high, with 91.8% of all individuals with any diagnosis of mental disorders never seeking help. For psychotic disorders, 27.6% never sought help and 12% saw non-mental health professionals only.

Depression certainly falls in this sector. One who has major depression certainly has tried every way to help themselves. But when you can’t function normally and there’s no back-up plan in place, you certainly can’t instantaneously come up with a plan to help yourself. Continuing with the theme of this chapter: I have major depression, what do I do, let’s explore some of the approaches you can take to cope with major depression disorder (MDD). Again, there’s no one single route to recovery. Each individual might have his or her own way of dealing with it.

Quick re-cap: We structured this chapter with the DOS and DONTS

• In lesson 5.1, we talk about the DONT

• In lesson 5.2 we will talk about the DOS, with 2 pointers

• In lesson 5.3, we will continue with the DOS, and give you 2 more pointers

Let's continue with our guest Xiaojie, talking about what she's done dealing with depression.

Lesson 5.2: I have major depression- The DOS (Part 1)

Major depression disorder is a serious illness; dealing with it in itself is very challenging. Coupled with social stigma and ignorance, it becomes increasingly harder to treat. In all of my cases, I heal as time goes by. Typically, it’s because my life situation has turned around (to understand the environmental causes of depression, go to lesson 3.1-part 1). However there was one time, I had no idea what happened, I just went straight into MDD, and straight out of MDD. And in those 7 months of complete darkness, I felt as though I was in a dungeon where my soul was tortured and my spirit was dying.
 

How I got out of it? Time! Now I know it’s an out-of-sync body where my internal clock of neuro-chemicals became imbalanced. Studies have shown that if you have had multiple episodes of depression, you can start to have depression out of the blue.

To understand more, take the standard University open online class on depression by Professor Sapolski

Think about this: if you sprain your ankle one time or two times, it’d heal. If you sprained it 4-5 times in a major way, you might just be walking normally, and still sprain it again. It is the same with MDD.

I myself spent the majority time feeling confused, fearful, and anxious even when I was feeling well. I had this feeling that it would come again, regardless of what I do. During moments where my physical body was out of batteries, I saw no hope. One feels intense pain seeing your body doesn’t work, shame for feeling so broken and useless, and so guilty to be burdening everyone around you and let them down.

Feeling helpless is not useful. I had to explore a way, wherever it leads me. I just couldn’t stay there. Finally, after 9 years, I did something different this time in 2014 during the worst MDD.

It was during the time when I was suicidal, to the point that every day I was trying to answer the same question: should I live another day? Like all others who have had this thought, this life was nothing but hell for me with endless torture and never-ending despair. There was nothing I could do, and it could never get better.

Until one day, another day that I had a mental breakdown. I texted my boss, who knew about my illness, and she offered care and support (go to lesson 4.1, for to tell or not to tell guidance). I went over to her house and she made me draw something. I didn’t quite believe what I wrote to be honest. I just drew and wrote it because I logically know that’s something I SHOULD believe in.
 
(the picture I drew in 2014 at the home of my line manager)

Hours later, I walked out of her house. In the late afternoon of the Beijing hutong on a blue sky day, I looked up. There’s that beautiful Beijing picture with cotton candy white clouds on the blue backdrop. I still feel disconnected with the world. But I heard this voice in me:

How about try to live
How about try to live with this madness
It’d probably take 2, 3 years if you are lucky
If not, it’d take longer…(I know, sweetheart)
Even when you get better, I know, you might get back here again, I know
But how about try to live
Not just for a day, but for a while

This voice was so weak and trembling. I tried to silence other voices and stayed with this positive yes-voice, until it was strong enough and became an answer.

 
I didn’t feel like I would get out of it, but I tried wishful thinking

From that moment on, I started to focus on dealing with it, not running away from it. 

It turned out, it didn’t take years. 2 months later, I was no longer depressed. In fact, not only did I return to my norm, I was so energetic, motivated and happy. I remember going to dance on a weekend, and danced for 14 hours! I had a full day workshop, and a night filled with social dance. I danced so much that I ended up losing 3 toe nails, and injured my hips due to overuse. I had to go to physical therapy for 5 weeks for recovery. I became a different person.

(just one of the happy dancing moments, 2015)

Something is not right: getting into depression without much environmental stimulus, and coming out of depression without a thing changed my life. This is when I remembered something a psychiatrist, who I saw back in 2012 because of my rapid mood changes, said: “It seems like you may have bi-polar disorder.”

“What? That’s a fashionable word!” I thought to myself. “I mean psychologists are just good at coming up with theories and tags of things that they haven’t fully understood. I don’t even know if you are qualified to diagnose me with your insufficient 2 sessions of counselling.” That was my reaction. Of course, I didn’t say that to the doctor. I did neglect what she said, and never went back.

The flashback got me to rethink. Maybe it’s time to do some research on this. I began searching online, and there it was: the pattern of my emotions and symptoms seem to match the description of bi-polar II.

“Oh my god.”

“So I am not a crazy person. I just have bi-polar disorder. Yeah, that’s a real thing!”

This time around, knowing that it is a medically disorder calmed me down. I sought to know more about it.

For the following months, I started to learn psychology, and especially neurology like a mad woman. I got hooked on online courses, TED talks, university open courses, documentaries, emailing university academics, etc.

"Genes, neuro transmitters, hypothalamus, cognitive therapies, mindfulness, values, personalities, seasonal affective depression, mania, impulses, etc., " I took a deep dive in ocean full of words that I never thought I’d care to know.

One day, when I was watching this TED talk, as the neurologist explained how she’s feeling when she had a stroke. I burst into tears when she described her sensation of during the stroke. I felt it!

For the first time, I felt I was lifted. I am not crazy. I just have a medical condition. My brain got sick, thus I felt so.

Jill Bolte Taylors stroke of insight

For all these years, I always hear the same abusive voice during depression: you are such a weak person that can’t get it together. Now I have my response to that. 

No, I just got sick sometimes, like everyone else. For some people it might be a heart attack, but for me, it’s depression. One never tells the people with heart conditions that they are weak, and the none should never tell me that either!

In that moment of acceptance, self-blame and self-shaming disappeared. For the first time, I made peace with having depression.

We are going to wrap up on the first two things that you can do. There are 2 more important DOS that you should know, which we will continue in our next class.

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