奥巴马在2014年WHCD上的超搞笑演讲（附视频和演讲全文）
白宫记者协会的晚宴，是华盛顿的年度传统，每年春天，华盛顿的著名人物都会赴宴，聆听总统和一些喜剧主持人的发言。像往常一样，奥巴马开启 “自黑模式”，不断拿自己、共和党人和媒体“开涮”。当总统也真不容易啊，理的了国事，讲的起段子。
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Thank you so much, everybody. Have a seat, have a seat. Before I get started, can we get the new presidential setup out here?(Aides bring out two ferns.)It was worked before. (Laughter and applause.) That’s more like it.非常感谢，各位请就坐。开场之前，请把新款的总统摆设拿上来(一盆蕨类植物)【自嘲为医保而上网络视频节目“蕨间访谈”(Between Two Ferns)，该访谈使美国政府医疗改革网站的访问量激增40%】这招上次就挺管用，这次更有效果了。
It is great to be back. What a year, huh? I usually start these dinners with a few self-deprecating jokes. After my stellar 2013, what could I possibly talk about? (Laughter.)I admit it — last year was rough. Sheesh. (Laughter.) At one point things got so bad, the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize. (Laughter.)再次参加晚宴真开心。这一年可真不寻常，是吧。通常在晚宴开场，我都会讲几个自黑的段子，不过我2013年表现如此“精彩亮眼”，有什么能拿来自黑呢?
我承认……去年很糟糕，哎妈呀!有一段时间的表现如此之糟糕以致于47%的选民致电罗姆尼向他道歉【罗姆尼曾在总统大选中落败奥巴马，他曾说47%的美国人“依赖政府，以受害者自居”，他认为正是这47%的人是奥巴马的死忠。这番“47%”言论被认为最终导致其竞选失败。】（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
Of course, we rolled out healthcare.gov. That could have gone better. (Laughter.) In 2008 my slogan was, “Yes We Can.” In 2013 my slogan was, “Control-Alt-Delete.” (Laughter.) On the plus side, they did turn the launch of healthcare.gov into one of the year’s biggest movies. (Laughter.)
当然了，我们推出了医保官网。本可以搞的更好。2008年我的口号是“yes，we can”，到了2013年变成了“ctrl+alt+delete”【自嘲上线后由于技术故障不断，屡屡瘫痪的医保网站，用户不得不用这组热键退出或重启电脑，美国前卫生部部长Sebelius因此备受抨击。】好的一面是医保官网上线的故事被拍成了年度最热门电影之一。【《冰封网站》恶搞《冰雪奇缘》】
But rather than dwell on the past, I would like to pivot to this dinner. Let’s welcome our headliner this evening, Joel McHale. (Applause.) On “Community,” Joel plays a preening, self-obsessed narcissist. So this dinner must be a real change of pace for you. (Laughter.)
不过，与其纠结往事，我更愿意把重点转到今天的晚宴上。欢迎我们今晚的笑星主持Joel Mchale。在《废柴联盟》里Joel扮演了一位顾镜自怜、自我沉迷的自恋男。所以这晚宴对你来说肯定算是换个口味了。【反话，吐槽台下的观众都自恋】（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
I want to thank the White House Correspondents Association for hosting us here tonight. I am happy to be here, even though I am a little jet-lagged from my trip to Malaysia. The lengths we have to go to get CNN coverage these days. (Laughter and applause.) I think they’re still searching for their table. (Laughter and applause.)MSNBC is here. They’re a little overwhelmed. (Laughter.) They’ve never seen an audience this big before. (Laughter.)
我要感谢白宫记者协会举办今晚的活动。来到这里我很高兴。虽说我还没从马来西亚之旅中倒过时差。如今不这么干，CNN都不报道你啊【吐槽CNN对马航的长篇累牍的报道】我觉得他们还在“搜寻”自己的座位呢?MSNBC也来了，他们有点太激动了，他们从来没见过这么多的观众。【吐槽他们收视率低】
But, look, everybody is trying to keep up with this incredibly fast-changing media landscape. For example, I got a lot of grief on cable news for promoting Obamacare to young people on Between Two Ferns. But that’s what young people like to watch. And to be fair, I am not the first person on television between two potted plants. (Laughter and applause.)
不过你看大家都在试图跟上媒体飞速变革的脚步。比如说，做客“蕨间访谈”向年轻人宣传奥氏医保的事被有线新闻台指责。但这是年轻人喜欢看的节目。公平来讲，我不是首位在电视上坐在两株盆栽植物之间的人。（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
Sometimes I do feel disrespected by you reporters. But that’s okay. Seattle Seahawk cornerback Richard Sherman is here tonight. (Applause.) And he gave me some great tips on how to handle it. Jake Tapper, don’t you ever talk about me like that! (Laughter.) I’m the best President in the game! (Laughter.)What do you think, Richard? Was that good? A little more feeling next time?有时候我确实觉得你们记者不大尊重我，不过没关系。西雅图海鹰四分卫Richard Sherman今晚也到场了。他给了我对付媒体的妙计：Jake Tapper不许你这样说我!【Tapper是CNN记者】我是天下最棒的总统!!!【这两句都是Sherman的经典怒吼】
Richard你觉得如何?够霸气不?下回感情再激烈点?
While we’re talking sports, just last month, a wonderful story — an American won the Boston Marathon for first time in 30 years. (Applause.) Which was inspiring and only fair, since a Kenyan has been president for the last six. (Laughter and applause.) Had to even things out. (Laughter.)
说到体育，就在上个月，很赞的故事。30年来，美国人首次在波士顿马拉松中夺冠。多么励志啊。肯尼亚人都做了六年总统，这样才公平嘛，我们就扯平了。【自嘲出生地问题，奥巴马自08年竞选总统时，就被质疑其出生地不是美国，因而不具备选举资格。有人说他是肯尼亚出生。善于长跑的肯尼亚人当了美国总统，那美国人就该拿个长跑冠军】（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
We have some other athletes here tonight, including Olympic snowboarding gold medalist Jamie Anderson is here. We’re proud of her. (Applause.) Incredibly talented young lady. Michelle and I watched the Olympics — we cannot believe what these folks do — death-defying feats — haven’t seen somebody pull a “180” that fast since Rand Paul disinvited that Nevada rancher from this dinner. (Laughter.) As a general rule, things don’t like end well if the sentence starts, “Let me tell you something I know about the negro.” (Laughter.) You don’t really need to hear the rest of it. (Laughter and applause.) Just a tip for you — don’t start your sentence that way. (Laughter.)今晚在场的还有其他体育运动员，包括冬奥会滑雪板金牌得主杰米•安德森。我们为她骄傲，极有天赋的年轻女士，我跟米歇尔看奥运比赛时，我们简直不敢相信他们的动作。挑战生死极限的壮举啊。很久没见过谁能如此迅速地180度转身了。上次是Rand Paul拒绝那位内华达农场主出席今天的晚宴。【武装对抗政府的农场主Bundy在发表种族言论后，Rand Paul等右派跟他翻脸划清界限】一般来说，你一句话的开头要是这样说肯定会出事的：“我跟你们讲讲我对黑鬼的了解”【农场主Bundy的名言】后面的话就不用听了。给大家的温馨提示哦，说话是千万别这样开头。Speaking of Rand Paul — (laughter) — Colorado legalized marijuana this year, an interesting social experiment. I do hope it doesn’t lead to a whole lot of paranoid people who think that the federal government is out to get them and listening to their phone calls. (Laughter.) That would be a problem. (Laughter.)
说到Rand Paul，今年科罗拉多州将大麻合法化，有趣的社会实验，我希望这不会让很多人出现妄想，认为联邦政府要迫害他们，窃听他们的电话什么的那就麻烦了。【自嘲NSA窃听门事件，2013年6月5日，英国《卫报》的一则报道震惊了全体美国人，报道中有证据表明通讯巨头Verizon公司自愿向美国国家安全局提交该公司网络内所有通话纪录的数据库】。（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
And speaking of conservative heroes, the Koch brothers bought a table here tonight. But as usual, they used a shadowy right-wing organization as a front. Hello, Fox News. (Laughter and applause.)I’m just kidding. Let’s face it, Fox, you’ll miss me when I’m gone. (Laughter.) It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya. (Laughter and applause.)
说到保守派的英雄，Koch兄弟今晚买了张台子【Koch兄弟是共和党金主，石油大亨】但跟以往一样，他们用神秘的右翼组织来打掩护，福克斯新闻，你们好啊，我是开玩笑啦。【吐槽福克斯新闻是右翼喉舌】承认吧福克斯新闻，我卸任后你们会想念我的，要让国人相信希拉里出生在肯尼亚可要困难的多啊【以此来嘲讽倾向于美国共和党的福克斯电视台此前有关奥巴马出生于肯尼亚而不是美国的报道。而希拉里则被外界视为美国民主党2016年总统大选的有力竞争者】。
A lot of us really are concerned about the way big money is influencing our politics. I remember when a Super PAC was just me buying Marlboro 100s instead of regulars. (Laughter.)Of course, now that it’s 2014, Washington is obsessed on the midterms. Folks are saying that with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow Democrats don’t really want me campaigning with them. And I don’t think that’s true — although I did notice the other day that Sasha needed a speaker at career day, and she invited Bill Clinton. (Laughter.) I was a little hurt by that. (Laughter.)很多人在担忧巨额献金对政治的影响，我记得在过去“Super PAC”只是我买的万宝路100s装而不是普通装而已。【谷大白话注：超级政治行动委员会可无限捐款，pac谐音pack】（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
当然了，现在是2014年，华府政客满脑子都是中期选举。人们说，我的支持率如此萎靡，民主党同仁都不愿意让我为他们助选。我觉得不是这样，但我确实注意到，有天我女儿的学校“职业日”需要演讲者，结果她邀请了比尔•克林顿，这事让我有点受伤啊。
Both sides are doing whatever it takes to win the ruthless game. Republicans — this is a true story — Republicans actually brought in a group of consultants to teach their candidates how to speak to women. This is true. And I don’t know if it will work with women, but I understand that America’s teenage boys are signing up to run for the Senate in droves. (Laughter.)
两党都竭尽全力要在这场无情的比拼中获胜，共和党——这是真事啊——共和党找来一群顾问来教导候选人，如何对女性说话，这是真事。我不知道这样对女性是否奏效，不过我发现全国的少男们都成群结队来申请竞选参议员了。
Anyway, while you guys focus on the horserace, I’m going to do what I do — I’m going to be focused on everyday Americans. Just yesterday, I read a heartbreaking letter — you know I get letters from folks from around the country; every day I get 10 that I read — this one got to me. A Virginia man who’s been stuck in the same part-time job for years; no respect from his boss; no chance to get ahead. I really wish Eric Cantor would stop writing me. (Laughter.) You can just pick up the phone, Eric. (Laughter.)总之，在你们全心全意忙着对战时，我要去做我该做的事，我会专注于普通美国人的生活。（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
昨天我看到一封令人心碎的信。每天我都会收到全国各地人民的来信，我会阅读10封。这一封是说弗吉尼亚男子一份兼职工作干了好多年，老板不尊重他，前途没有希望，我真希望Eric Cantor以后别再给我写信了，Eric 你直接打电话就好了啊。【Eric Cantor共和党大佬，奥巴马在这里吐槽他被共和党人士抨击】
And I’m feeling sorry — believe it or not — for the Speaker of the House, as well. These days, the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me, which means orange really is the new black. (Laughter and applause.)而且我也……信不信由你，为议长而感到遗憾，如今，众议院的共和党人对博纳比对我还凶残，这说明“橘色”如今真的算是“黑色”了。【去年在多个议题中与奥巴马打擂台的美国众议院议长、共和党籍人士约翰•博纳，此前因为失败的日光浴，未将自己的肤色晒成古铜色，反而变成了橘色而曾被媒体打趣。奥巴马此言是讽刺博纳成为奥黑，变成了共和党人的靶子。】But I have not given up the idea of working with Congress. In fact, two weeks ago, Senator Ted Cruz and I, we got a bill done together. And I have to say, the signing ceremony was something special. We’ve got a picture of it I think. (Laughter.)Look, I know, Washington seems more dysfunctional than ever. Gridlock has gotten so bad in this town you have to wonder: What did we do to piss off Chris Christie so bad? (Laughter and applause.)但我还没有放弃跟国会合作的愿望。实际上两周前，Ted Cruz参议员和我合力通过了一项法案。我得说，签署仪式真是与众不同。你看，我知道，华府正处于史上最瘫痪的时期，这里的堵塞如此之严重，你不禁会想，我们到底做了什么克里斯蒂会如此生气啊?【克里斯•克里斯蒂原本是美国共和党被寄予厚望的一颗政治新星，但前段时间，他被曝为了报复不支持他连任州长的民主党籍利堡市市长，他下令关闭位于利堡市连接新泽西州和纽约的乔治•华盛顿大桥的三条行车线中的两条，造成交通严重堵塞。】（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
One issue, for example, we haven’t been able to agree on is unemployment insurance. Republicans continue to refuse to extend it. And you know what, I am beginning to think they’ve got a point. If you want to get paid while not working, you should have to run for Congress just like everybody else. (Laughter and applause.)我们无法达成一致的问题之一是：失业保险。共和党一直反对延长这项保险。你猜怎样，我开始觉得他们有道理。如果你想又不干活又能拿钱，那你就该跟其他人一样通过竞选进入国会啊。
Of course, there is one thing that keeps Republicans busy. They have tried more than 50 times to repeal Obamacare. Despite that, 8 million people signed up for health care in the first open enrollment. (Applause.) Which does lead one to ask, how well does Obamacare have to work before you don’t want to repeal it? What if everybody’s cholesterol drops to 120? (Laughter.) What if your yearly checkup came with tickets to a Clippers game? (Laughter.) Not the old, Donald Sterling Clippers — the new Oprah Clippers. Would that be good enough? (Laughter.) What if they gave Mitch McConnell a pulse? (Laughter.) What is it going to take? (Laughter.)当然了，有一件事让共和党很忙碌。他们进行了50多次推翻奥氏医保的尝试。尽管如此，800万人在首轮公开申请中注册了医保。这就让人不禁要问，医保要做到多么好你们才不想废除呢?让所有人的胆固醇指标都降到120如何?年度体检赠送快船球票如何?不是过去斯特林的快船队啦，是奥普拉新买的快船队【吐槽近期斯特林的种族主义言论，而NBA联盟最近在呼吁斯特林卖掉快船队，奥巴马顺便又吐槽了下美国著名主持人奥普拉是土豪】（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
这样够好了吗?给Mitch McConnel来点脉搏如何?【吐槽共和党大佬McConnel半死不活】要怎么样你们才满意啊?
Anyway, this year, I’ve promised to use more executive actions to get things done without Congress. My critics call this the “imperial presidency.” The truth is, I just show up every day in my office and do my job. I’ve got a picture of this I think. (Laughter and applause.) You would think they’d appreciate a more assertive approach, considering that the new conservative darling is none other than Vladimir Putin. (Laughter.) Last year, Pat Buchanan said Putin is “headed straight for the Nobel Peace Prize.” He said this. Now I know it sounds crazy but to be fair, they give those to just about anybody these days. (Laughter.) So it could happen.
反正吧，今年我承诺要更多利用行政手段来绕开国会处理问题。批评者称，这是帝国主义总统，实际情况是，我只是每天到办公室上班而已。本以为，他们会喜欢更独断的做法，因为保守派的新男神是普京啊。去年Pat Buchanan说，普京是直奔诺贝尔和平奖而去啊。【Pat Buchanan是美国保守派政客】他是这么说的，我知道听起来很疯狂，不过实事是，如今和平奖是见人就给的，所以，这是可能的。
But it’s not just Pat — Rudy Giuliani said Putin is “what you call a leader.” Mike Huckabee and Sean Hannity keep talking about his bare chest, which is kind of weird. (Laughter.) Look it up — they talk about it a lot. (Laughter.)不过，不只是Pat，Rudy Giuliani说普京那才叫真正的领导人呢，Mike Huckabee和Sean Hannity总提起他裸露的胸膛。【三者分别是前纽约市长、08年总统候选人、福克斯名嘴】你去搜搜，他们说过很多次的，嘿嘿嘿。It is strange to think that I have just two and a half years left in this office. Everywhere I look, there are reminders that I only hold this job temporarily. (Laughter.)But it’s a long time between now and 2016, and anything can happen. You may have heard the other day, Hillary had to dodge a flying shoe at a press conference. (Laughter and applause.) I love that picture. (Laughter.)
想到我只剩两年半的任期，感觉很奇怪，身边的一切都在提醒，我只是临时工。不过，从现在到2016年大选期间，什么事情都有可能发生。你们可能听说了，希拉里前几天在新闻发布会上被人扔鞋。（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
Regardless of what happens, I’ve run my last campaign and I’m beginning to think about my legacy. Some of you know — Mayor Rahm Emanuel recently announced he is naming a high school in Chicago after me, which is extremely humbling. I was even more flattered to hear Rick Perry, who is here tonight, is doing the same thing in Texas. Take a look. (Laughter.) Thank you, Rick. It means a lot to me. (Laughter and applause.)
不管会发生什么，我是已经选完最后一次了。我开始考虑自己给后人留点什么了。芝加哥市长Rahm Emanuel最近宣布要用我的名字命名一所高中【Rahm曾是奥巴马幕僚长】，这事让我很受宠若惊，更让我感到开心的是Rich Perry他今晚也来了【此人是得州州长】，在得州也要这样做，瞧瞧吧，这对我来说太重要了。
And I intend to enjoy all the free time that I will have. George W. Bush took up painting after he left office, which inspired me to take up my own artistic side. (Laughter.) I’m sure we’ve got a shot of this. (Laughter.) Maybe not. The joke doesn’t work without the slide. (Laughter.) Oh well. Assume that it was funny. (Laughter.) Does this happen to you, Joel? It does? Okay.我打算享受我卸任后所有的自由时间，小布什卸任后开始作画，此事激励我也去发掘自己的艺术天赋，我们肯定有图片的吧，或者没有，没有幻灯片这段子就讲不了啊。哦，那好，大家就假设这段子很好笑吧。
Joel你也遇到过这样的情况吗?你也是吗?好吧，我们来说点正经的。
On a more serious note, tonight reminds us that we really are lucky to live in a country where reporters get to give a head of state a hard time on a daily basis — and then, once a year, give him or her the chance, at least, to try to return the favor.But we also know that not every journalist, or photographer, or crewmember is so fortunate, because even as we celebrate the free press tonight, our thoughts are with those in places around the globe like Ukraine, and Afghanistan, and Syria, and Egypt, who risk everything — in some cases, even give their lives — to report the news.
今晚提醒我们，我们有幸能生活在这样的国家。在我国，记者们可以每天抨击国家领导人，然后每年一次，领导人能有机会以其人之道还治其人之身。但我们也知道，并非所有的记者、摄影师或团队人员都如此幸运，因为就在今晚欢庆新闻自由的同时，我们仍然心系全球各地的新闻人，比如在乌克兰、阿富汗、叙利亚、埃及，他们奋不顾身，为了新闻报道，他们有时甚至要牺牲生命。（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
And what tonight also reminds us is that the fight for full and fair access goes beyond the chance to ask a question. As Steve mentioned, decades ago, an African American who wanted to cover his or her President might be barred from journalism school, burdened by Jim Crow, and, once in Washington, banned from press conferences. But after years of effort, black editors and publishers began meeting with FDR’s press secretary, Steve Early. And then they met with the President himself, who declared that a black reporter would get a credential. And even when Harry McAlpin made history as the first African American to attend a presidential news conference, he wasn’t always welcomed by the other reporters. But he was welcomed by the President, who told him, I’m glad to see you, McAlpin, and I’m very happy to have you here.
今晚还提醒我们，为全面而公平的采访权的战斗，不只是提问的机会而已。正如Steve所说，几十年前，黑人记者若想报道总统新闻，可能会被新闻学校开除。受到吉姆•克劳法的压迫【谷大白话注：种族隔离的法规】，还曾经被华府禁止出席新闻发布会，但是经过多年努力，黑人编辑和出版人接触，罗斯福的新闻秘书Stephen Early，之后他们跟总统本人会面，总统宣布授予黑人记者报道的权力。虽然Harry McAlpin创造历史，成为首位出席总统新闻发布会的黑人记者，但其他同行对他并不欢迎。不过总统欢迎了他，总统告诉他“McAlpin 见到你我很高兴”，“很高兴你能到这里来”。
Now, that sentiment might have worn off once Harry asked him a question or two — (laughter) — and Harry’s battles continued. But he made history. And we’re s proud of Sherman and his family for being here tonight, and the White House Correspondents Association for creating a scholarship in Harry’s name. (Applause.)
当然在Harry向他提了几个问题之后，他高兴的感觉就会消散，Harry的抗争还在继续，但他成就了历史。我们也很自豪，Sherman和家人今晚出席。白宫记者协会以Harry的名义创立了奖学金。（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
For over 100 years, even as the White House Correspondents Association has told the story of America’s progress, you’ve lived it, too — gradually allowing equal access to women, and minorities, and gays, and Americans with disabilities. And, yes, radio, and television, and Internet reporters, as well. And through it all, you’ve helped make sure that even as societies change, our fundamental commitment to the interaction between those who govern and those who ask questions doesn’t change. And as Jay will attest, it’s a legacy you carry on enthusiastically every single day.一百多年来，在白宫记者协会讲述美国的进步之时，你们也同样在经历着进步，逐渐给予女性、少数族裔、同性恋和残障人同等权利。是的，不论是广播、电视、还是网络记者都是一样。你们的努力确保了即便社会改变，我们对领导者和提问者之间互动的基本承诺是不会改变的。Jay可以作证，这是你们日复一日充满激情传承下去的遗产。And because this is the 100th anniversary of the Correspondents’ Association, I actually recorded an additional brief video thanking all of you for your hard work. Can we run the video?
(Video fails to play.)THE PRESIDENT: What’s going on? (Laughter.) I was told this would work. Does anybody know how to fix this? (Laughter.)
因为这是记者协会的百年庆典，我额外录了一段小视频来感谢大家的辛勤工作。请放视频……怎么回事啊?不是告诉我说能播的吗?!谁知道怎么修好它?（精彩英语演讲，最值得关注的英语演讲类公众号）
(Secretary Sebelius enters from backstage.)THE PRESIDENT: Oh, thank you. (Laughter and applause.) You got it?SECRETARY SEBELIUS: I got this — I see it all the time. There, that should work.(Video plays.)THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much, everybody. God bless you. And God bless America, and thank you, Kathleen Sebelius. (Applause.)(前卫生部长Sebelius走上舞台帮助奥巴马解决问题，她因医保网站瘫痪备受抨击)Sebelius说：我会弄，遇到无数次这样的故障了【还是医保网站故障的梗】。奥巴马：好了，向白宫记者协会表示祝贺，希望你们能把精彩的报道再坚持一百年。非常感谢大家，上帝保佑你们。
自嘲的幽默小伙伴们都学会了么?奥巴马演讲开头提到的“2013年的精彩表现”又是什么呢?且听下回分解。
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