崔娃社交隔离秀第13期：如果特朗普没有忽视这4个电话警告…（附视频&解说稿）
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美国当地时间4月7日，脱口秀主持人崔娃更新了第13期社交隔离秀，这一期他吐槽了印度新德里以前的污染，新冠肺炎让天空重回蓝色；也提到了香港熊猫竟在没人的时候自发地XXX
随着美国新冠确诊人数接近40万，崔娃还吐槽了特朗普忽略了太多人早期对新冠肺炎的口头警告，节目组还特别制作了4个特别的电话警告信息，这个电话是来自新冠肺炎……
Before we get into the latest headlines, let's kick it off with some good news in our brand-new segment, Ray of Sunshine.
All right, first up is news out of India. So many people in India are quarantined in their homes that, for the first time in a long time, you can actually see the real color of the sky. And this has happened in some of the most heavily polluted areas of New Delhi, where there was just smog every single day.
And one of the images that's been going viral is this one that came out of New Delhi, which shows the before and after of 1.3 billion people staying at home. And that's amazing, right? Just look at how beautiful New Delhi is without any pollution. It looks like the entire city went on Queer Eye. "You've been hiding yourself under so many layers of smog. You've got to let yourself shine, girl." I mean, goddamn, those are some blue skies. I bet India probably even forgot there was a time when skies weren't gray.
It's the same way America forgot there was a time when presidents weren't orange. Yeah. They used to be brown. And it's not just the environment. With humans locked away, animals are also starting to flourish.
Here's some good news coming out of Hong Kong. A zoo, which has been trying unsuccessfully to get its pandas to mate for ten years, reported that finally, yesterday, the pandas spontaneously started having sex. And the researchers say they think it's because nobody is at the zoo. And I'm like, "Yeah, I don't need to be a researcher to know that that's what's happening."
Of course the pandas are having sex now that nobody's there. How do you think you would react if, every day, hundreds of people came to your bedroom window, like, "Come on! Have sex! Do it! "Come on. Have sex. Do it. Do-- Put it in!" So I don't blame the pandas. I mean, like, even when I have one person watching me during sex, I'm like, "Hey, can you... "can you look the other way? I'm-I'm just getting-- "Yeah, I'm just real self-conscious-- "Would you mind looking-- Look the other way. It's-it's a lot of pressure."
This just makes you realize that, when we're telling our grandkids about coronavirus years from now, the animals are gonna be telling a completely different story. "Grandma, tell us about the coronavirus." "Oh, little ones, "it was a wonderful time. "There were no humans, and your grandpa was smashing me like there was no tomorrow." So, good news for those pandas. Although the bad news is, now that nobody's watching, the monkeys have all stopped having sex.
Those guys are freaky. Now, please, don't get me wrong. Corona's also bringing out some of the best in humanity. Lifting spirits during this tough time is a real superhero. Batman is hitting the streets of San Diego. REPORTER: By day, Chris Banner runs a lawn service, helping cut weeds and fire lines on people's property. But when duty calls... -♪ ♪ -...he suits up.
He's got the Batsuit and he's got the wheels, a replica 1989 Batmobile that he and a friend built. Normally, Chris gets paid to make appearances at birthday parties and other special occasions. But while the pandemic goes on, he decided to just hit the road and make people smile.
Aw! That is such a sweet idea, man. That guy's a hero. I just hope he never started talking like Batman, 'cause that would've freaked people out. "Yeah, it's Batman!" : "That's right, kids. It's me." "Whoa. Is that coronavirus? Get away, dude! Get away!" "No, this is-- this is just how I..." "Well, this is not the time. Just use your normal voice, man. What's wrong with you?" "Yeah, you're right. I should..." "Okay, go back to the other voice. That one's not cool."
All right, that's it for the good news. Let's catch up with some headlines. Right now, the worldwide number of confirmed coronavirus cases has now steadily climbed to 1.3 million people. And while some countries are seeing progress, other countries are preparing for the worst.
In fact, after facing criticism for his response to the pandemic, Prime Minister Abe Shinzo has now declared a state of emergency. And in Britain, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been moved to an intensive care unit after his coronavirus symptoms worsened. So now, because the UK doesn't have a line of succession for when the prime minister is out of commission, Johnson has deputized his foreign secretary to fill in for him.
And I'm not gonna lie. I thank God that, in America, the president doesn't just get to pick whoever he wants to take over for him. It's good that there's a line of succession, 'cause who knows who Donald Trump would pick. "While I'm in the hospital, "Doc Antle can take over for me. "He's like a Dr. Fauci but he (bleep)s." Oh, and speaking of President Trump, while the U.S. is bracing for an explosion of new coronavirus infections, the White House is also bracing for more backlash.
You see, they haven't been listening to coronavirus warnings that they've been receiving for months. Just today, Axios reported that Peter Navarro, Trump's trade advisor, wrote a memo back in January where he warned very accurately that if America didn't take immediate action to stop the coronavirus, it would break out in the United States and it would kill hundreds of thousands of people.
And on top of that, he also predicted that it would destroy the economy. So Trump got warnings from the HHS, got warnings from his intelligence agencies and even got warnings from his own economic advisors, and he didn't heed any of those warnings.
Basically, if there's ever a warning, Trump just will ignore it. Yeah. Coronavirus. Check engine light. I bet even choking hazards. Half of Mike Pence's job is just pulling Legos out of Trump's throat. "It was a yellow piece, so I thought it was a piece of cheese." "I know, Mr. President. Easy mistake to make, sir." Now, it turns out Trump has been ignoring so many warnings that the Daily Show investigation team managed to get some of Donald Trump's voice mails, and... it turns out he was even ignoring warnings from coronavirus itself.
Now, the big story today is voting. It's how America picks its leaders and its dancers with the stars. And in the time of coronavirus, voting has gone from being a boring civic duty to a recipe for disaster. Crowds of people packed into a tight space together, sharing pens, elderly poll workers. It's a coronavirus all-you-can-eat buffet.
And that's all in addition to the usual dangers of voting, you know, like getting your hand stuck in the ballot scanner. That's, like, a thing that happens for real. And it's because of that corona risk that many states around the country have decided to postpone their primary elections until later in the year.
But Wisconsin is not one of those states. Because today, they held their primary elections as scheduled, which, as you can imagine, is a big problem. Because not only were Wisconsinites forced to choose between their health and civic duty, but thanks to so many poll workers dropping out, the number of voting sites were slashed across the state. Yeah, especially in urban areas. For example, the number of polling locations in Milwaukee went from the usual 180 all the way down to just five. Five polling sites for a city of 600,000 people. And I'm sorry, guys. Those numbers just don't make sense. 600,000 people divided by five? That's like...
Like, we-we all know what that number is. The point is, it's unfair to the voters. And when Wisconsin opened its polling locations this morning, you could immediately tell that having the election today was a really bad idea.
CHUCK TODD: We turn now to Wisconsin, where despite the state's stay-at-home order, the primary is underway today. And after a day of chaos and confusion surrounding the vote, folks are now casting their ballots in person, despite fears of spreading coronavirus. And already, there have been long lines at polling places, raising concerns about social distancing.
MAN: There are people lined up around the side of the high school, around the corner, through the parking lot, and then into the road and sidewalk that extends beyond that school, as well. Okay, seriously, this is just ridiculous.
People standing around the block, huge numbers waiting to vote. During coronavirus? This is ridiculous! There are only two reasons people should be waiting in line for hours around a block. Either Baby Yoda is doing a meet-and-greet, or you're buying a pair of sneakers that are too nice to ever wear.
And so, you just put them in the back of your closet, and you brag about having them, but nobody ever knows if it's true or not. That's what I do with my Jordan 5s. Clearly, this is not the ideal way to run an election, especially during a pandemic. So, the obvious question is, why didn't Wisconsin delay their primary like all the other states did?
Well, you see, it turns out, Wisconsin's Democratic governor, Tony Evers, tried to delay the primary, and he tried to make it easier for people to vote by mail. But he was blocked by the Republican legislature. Now that doesn't make sense. Right? Voting by mail might sound like a weird idea, but every state already allows it in some form. And not only that. Five states conduct their elections entirely by mail. So many experts right now are arguing that the most responsible thing to do during coronavirus is just have everybody mail in their votes.
Oh, and for my younger viewers, mail is when you have, like, a message, and you send it to someone on a... on a piece of paper. It's, um... it's like a TikTok, but in an envelope. Yeah. Oh, and an envelope is like an app, but you open it physically, like, with your hands.
So, the big question is, why are many Republicans in Wisconsin and around the country resisting efforts to make it easier to vote? Well, I mean, they're still giving their usual talking point about trying to prevent voter fraud. But recently, prominent Republican leaders have been slipping up and telling the truth.
MAN: Donald Trump has said -that if we voted by mail...
-WOMAN: Yeah.
MAN: ...Republicans would never win again. TRUMP: The things they had in there were crazy. Uh, they had things, uh, levels of voting that if you ever agreed to it, you'd never have a Republican elected in this country again. The speaker of the house in the state of Georgia has said the same thing-- that you don't... they don't want more voter participation.
Okay, this is so insane, man. These Republicans are afraid that if more people get access to voting, they're going to lose elections. And so, instead of just coming up with policies that are more popular, they'd rather just make it harder to vote?
Basically, these Republicans believe in the free market for everything, except themselves. I mean, think about it. If someone was getting bad scores at the Olympics, what would they do? Huh? They'd probably try and work harder and improve their routine. Yeah? But if Republicans were in that situation, they would just be like, "Why are you wasting your time? "Just steal the judge's scorecards. Problem solved." I mean, for years people have suspected it, but now Republicans are just saying it out loud. "
We don't want more people to vote, because then we think we're gonna lose." Yeah. I don't know why they're saying it out loud. I mean, maybe it's coronavirus. Maybe it's being quarantined indoors. You lock people up inside for long enough, and the truth comes out. Oh, I'll tell you what I really think of your cooking, Melinda!
So, the battle around voting is shaping up to be one that will not only affect the primaries in the months to come, but also, potentially, the general election in November. Because coronavirus might go away in the summer, but, just like pumpkin spice, it could make a comeback in the fall. And if some Republicans have their way with how all Americans can or cannot vote, then, best believe, those panda bears in Hong Kong won't be the only ones getting screwed.
Well, that's our show for today. Before we go, though, please remember this is going to be a harrowing week for doctors, nurses and first responders around the country. And you can help them protect themselves while they save lives. We need to help them get masks, gloves and gowns that they need.
So please go to Thrive Global's #FirstRespondersFirst and donate whatever you can to help get PPE to the people saving our lives. And if you want to help in New York City specifically, please then go to the New York Mayor's Fund COVID-19 response, and you can help them out. Stay safe out there. Wash your hands, remember to wipe from front to back, not side to side, and I'll see you again tomorrow.
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