That's Horoscopes: April 2017

By Noelle Mateer

Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China.

Aries
3.21-4.20

You’ve always been charming, but this month, you’re on fire. Use your deadly smile to get out of a rough situation, like haggling with rickshaw drivers, or being propositioned at the bar. Don’t travel North during the Tomb-Sweeping Festival.      

Taurus
4.21-5.21

It’s time to get in shape, so next time you walk by gym reps passing out fliers and shouting ‘fitness club!’ try listening to them. Or just run away really, really fast – that’s exercise too.

Gemini
5.22-6.21

Gemini, you will be plagued by a wandering mind this month. By all means, dare to dream – but don’t let that dreaming interfere with your ability to navigate busy intersections safely. Eat egg-and-chive jiaozi on the 3rd. 

Cancer
6.22-7.22

You’re the life of the party this April. Consider hosting a barbecue (chuan’r-becue?), but choosing Snow over Yanjing will lead to misfortune. Roasting mantou on the 15th of the month will be auspicious.

Leo
7.23-8.23

You may find yourself at a crossroads – hesitate before choosing your path forward. The right choice could lead to happiness (dumplings); the wrong choice could lead to despair (no dumplings).

Virgo
8.24-9.23

You’ll receive good news on the 21st – if your VPN is working, that is. Try turning it off and on again. Is the Hong Kong server not working? Try Bangkok. No? Singapore? It is inauspicious to use the American servers.

Libra
9.24-10.23

Go for a ride on a Mobike on April 12th and you will be rewarded. DO NOT USE OFO.

Scorpio
10.24-11.22

Go for a ride on an Ofo bike on April 12th and you will be rewarded. DO NOT USE MOBIKE.

Sagittarius
11.23-12.21

Leadership is your strong point this month – so get out your megaphone and small red flag, and guide a tour group through the your favorite Chinese landmark. Tap your toes three times before entering public toilets for good luck.

Capricorn
12.22-1.20

Do your thing this month. Just not too much of your thing – we don’t want you getting kicked out of the bar again. Don’t take a taxi on Mondays.

Aquarius
1.21-2.19

The stars have shifted into your celestial house of intellect, whatever that means – you know we’re just making these up, right? Consider tackling an intellectual hurdle. (The biggest intellectual hurdle of all is learning Chinese.)

Pisces
2.20-3.20

It is a month of love and romance for Pisces – keep your eyes open, and you will meet an alluring stranger downtown. Do not make eye contact in mall bathrooms.

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