That's Beijing Horoscopes: June 2017
By Noelle Mateer
Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
The stars spell relationship problem for you, Gemini, so get off Tantan and focus on your significant other, damn it. Take him or her on a romantic walk around the Forbidden City. Bring warm Yanjings for good luck.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
Socializing is important, so stop being such a recluse. Go get drinks with people. If anyone suggests Dirty Bar Street though, kindly direct them to this wonderful magazine you've just read.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Leos can expect great fortune to fall upon their sex lives this month. The following are the most auspicious days to bone: the 7th, the 13th, the 25th. Do not get it on on the 30th, or an ayi will start knocking on your door, loudly, halfway through.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
You will find great success at a networking event – if you make your WeChat profile picture more professional, that is. It is inauspicious to have a cartoon character as your WeChat photo.
Libra
9.24-10.23
Soon you will suffer from bad health. Go to Moka Bros and eat healthy stuff or something. Avoid Haidian district on Tuesdays or misfortune will befall you. Drink Tsingtao on the 17th and eat dumplings on the 15th.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
Your spouse or lover will help you to achieve financial success. Maybe he or she will point you to our happy hour listings in this month's magazine, IDK, just a suggestion. Either way, only enter Chaoyang Park through the south gate.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
This will be a chaotic month for you, so keep zen by avoiding the Beijing subway from the hours of 4.30-6pm, and the Starbucks in Taikooli Li for all the hours, period. Do not send WeChat messages while riding your Mobike.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
When two roads diverge in the wood, follow the path that leads back to Sanlitun. Seriously, where are you? None of the hip parts of Beijing have any vegetation. Avoid men in patterned face masks.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
Be ready to compromise. You may have to go to an inferior noodle place if your favorite noodle place has been bricked over. Hold your breath when walking east in any hutong. Do not eat Zhang Mama on a full moon.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
No more complaining about Beijing – you're getting annoying! Stop hanging out with whiny expats and go buy a good air filter. If you still feel like crap, book a flight to Thailand. Whiny expats love Thailand.
Aries
3.21-4.20
Issues with your family may distract you from monetary success this month. Try to regain some of that monetary success by not drinking in Sanlitun so much. You have family issues to deal with anyway, apparently.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Only hard work will bring you success. That, or being born in a privileged background under advantageous geopolitical circumstances. Keep this in mind as you work hard in your English teaching job this month.
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