【双语】TED演讲：礼貌，最能看穿一个人
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I want to start by telling you two things about myself before I get into the full talk. And the first is that I've been writing about manners and civility for more than 20 years, as a book author and as a magazine columnist. The second is, my friends know to be very wary of inviting me over for dinner because any faux pas that happens at the table is likely to wind up in print.
在我开始正式的演讲之前，我想首先告诉你们关于我的两件事。第一件事是作为书作者和杂志专栏作者，20多年来，我一直在写关于礼仪和文明的文章。第二件事是，我的朋友都知道邀请我共进晚餐要十分小心，因为在餐桌前发生的任何失礼都很有可能被白纸黑字记录下来。
So, I'm watching, I can see back there and I can see through the portals, too.
所以，我在看，我可以看到后面那，也可以看到出入口。
So, speaking of dinner parties, I want to take you back to 2015 and a dinner party that I went to. To place this in time, this was when Caitlyn Jenner was first coming out, shedding her identity as a Kardashian and moving into her life as a transgender activist. I wrote a column in People magazine at the time, talking about the importance of names and how names are our identity. And that to misuse them or not to use them erases us in a certain way. And especially with Caitlyn Jenner, I talked about Caitlyn, but also the use of her pronouns. Her pronouns.
所以，谈到晚宴，我想把你们带回到2015年我去过的一个晚宴。具体时间是，凯特琳·詹娜首次出柜，脱离她作为卡戴珊家族成员的身份，并摇身一变成为了跨性别活动家之时。我当时在《人物》杂志上写了一篇专栏，谈论名字的重要性，以及为什么名字即我们的身份。还有为什么误用或不用它们会在某种方式上抹去我们自身。尤其是对凯特琳·詹纳来说，我谈到了凯特琳，也谈到了在称呼她时所使用的各种代词。各种代词。
So I'm at this dinner -- delicious, wonderful, fun -- when my host goes on a rant about Caitlyn Jenner. And she is saying that it is disrespectful for Caitlyn Jenner to force her to use a new name and to use these new pronouns. She's not buying it, and I'm listening, and because I do meditation, I took my sacred pause before I responded.
当宴会女主人开始大声嚷嚷着抱怨起凯特琳·詹纳时，我正在享用本来可口、美妙、有趣的晚餐。她说凯特琳·詹纳很无礼，因为凯特琳·詹纳强迫她使用一个新名字还有各种新代词。她可不买账。我听着她。因为我练习冥想，所以在回应她前我先做了个神圣的停顿。
And I reminded her that when she got married, she changed her name, and that she took the name of her husband. And that's the name all of us now use. We don't use it just because it's her legal name, but we use it because it's respectful. Ditto for Miss Jenner. She didn't buy it and we didn't speak for years.
我提醒她，当她结婚的时候，她改了她的名字，转而冠以夫姓。而她改名后的名字也正是我们现在称呼她用的名字。我们这样做不仅仅是因为这是她的法定名字，更是因为这样做才是尊重她的。同样的道理自然也适用于詹纳小姐。但她不买账，我们之后几年都不说话。
So ... I am known as the Civilist. And it's probably a word that you're not that familiar with. It's not in common parlance and it comes from the Latin and the French, and it means an individual who tries to live by a moral code, who is striving to be a good citizen. The word "civility" is derived from that, and the original definition of civility is citizens willing to give of themselves for the good of the city, for the good of the commonwealth, for the larger good.
总之，我被称为文明主义者。这个词你可能不熟悉。它不属于日常用语。它来自拉丁语和法语。这个词指一个人试图遵守道德准则，努力做一个好公民。“civility”（文明）这个词来源于它。而“civility”这个词的本意是指：愿意为了城市的利益，为了集体的利益为了更大的利益而奉献自己的公民。
So, in this talk, you're going to learn three new ways to be civil, I hope, and it will be according to the original definition of civility. My first problem is: civility is an obsolete word. My second problem is: civility has become a dirty word in this country. And that is whether you lean right or whether you lean left. And in part, that's because modern usage equates civility with decorum, with formal politeness, formal behavior. We've gotten away from the idea of citizenship.
那么，在这个演讲中，你将依照“civility”的本意，学到三个新的讲文明的方式，我期望。我遇到的的第一个问题是：“civility”是一个过时的词。我遇到的的第二个问题是：“civility”在这个国家已经变成了一个肮脏的词。它意味着你是右倾还是左倾。部分原因是由于在现代用法中“civility”等同于礼仪，表面的礼貌和外在的行为举止，而与“citizenship”（公民义务与权利）切断了联系。
So, let me start by talking a little bit about my friends on the right, who have conflated civility with what they call political correctness. And to them, callouts for civility are really very much like what George Orwell wrote in "1984" -- he called it "newspeak." And this was an attempt to change the way we talk by forcibly changing the language that we use. To change our ideas by changing the meaning of words. And I think my dinner host might have had some of that rattling around there.
那么，让我先谈谈我的右派朋友们。他们把“civility”和一个他们称之为“政治正确”的东西混淆了起来。对他们来说，呼吁“civility”非常类似于乔治·奥威尔在《1984》中描写的，他称之为“新话”的现象。所谓“新话”即试图通过强行改变我们使用的语言来改变我们说话的方式，通过改变词语的意思来改变我们的思想。我那个喋喋不休的晚宴女主人大概就有点儿指责这一现象的意思。
And I first personally understood, though, the right's problem with civility when I wrote a column about then-candidate Donald Trump. And he had just said he did not have time for total political correctness, and he did not believe the country did either. And I took that to heart, it was very -- The audience was very engaged about that online, as you can imagine. There was a thousand responses, and this one stood out to me because it was representative: "Political correctness is a pathological system that lets liberals dominate a conversation, label, demonize and shout down the opposition." So I think, to the right, civility translates into censure.
我第一次亲身理解到右派与“civility”之间的冲突，是在当我写一篇关于当时是候选人的唐纳德·特朗普的专栏时。他那时刚刚说过，他没有时间去遵守完全的政治正确，他也不认为美国有时间去遵守完全的政治正确。我把这个话铭记于心，它实在是……人们就此在网络上非常积极地展开讨论，你们可以想象。当时有成百上千的回复，而这一回复在我看来非常醒目。因为它非常具有代表性。“政治正确性是一个病态的系统，它让自由主义者占谈话的主导地位，并通过标签化和妖魔化来打压反对派。”所以，我认为对右派来说，“civility”意味谴责。
So that's the right. Now, my friends on the left also have a problem with it. And for example, there have been those who have harassed Trump administration officials who support the President's border wall. They've been called out as rude, they've been called out as nasty, they've been called out as worse. And after one such incident last year, even the Washington Post -- you know, left-leaning Washington Post -- wrote an editorial and sided with decorum. And they argued that officials should be allowed to dine in peace. Hm. "You know, the wall is the real incivility here. The tear-gassing of kids, the separation of families." That's what the protestors say.
总之，这就是右派。不过，我的左派朋友们对于“civility”也有不满。比如说，有的左派人士，他们曾骚扰那些支持总统在边境建围墙的川普政府官员们。他们被指责为粗鲁，讨人厌，或者更糟糕的词。去年在一个冲突发生后，甚至连华盛顿邮报，你们懂的，左倾的华盛顿邮报，写了一篇社论，呼吁克己复礼。他们主张政府官员们应该被允许安心地吃晚饭。嗯……“要知道，在这件事里，围墙才是真正的不文明。向儿童发射催泪瓦斯，拆散家庭。”抗议者们是这么说的。
And imagine if we had sided, in this country, with decorum and courtesy throughout our history. You know, I think about the suffragettes. They marched, they picketed. They were chastised, they were arrested for pursuing the vote for women in the 1920s. You know, I also think about the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr., the father of American nonviolent civil disobedience. He was labeled as uncivil in his attempt to promote racial and economic justice. So I think you get a sense of why civility has become a problem, a dirty word, here. Now, does this mean we can't disagree, that we can't speak our minds? Absolutely not.
想象一下会怎样，如果在这个国家，从往至今，我们一直都支持遵守礼节。我想到了妇女参政论者。她们游行，她们抗议。在20世纪20年代，她们因为追求妇女的投票权，而被惩罚，被逮捕。我还想到了马丁·路德·金牧师，美国非暴力公民不服从运动之父。他在努力促进种族和经济公平正义时被贴上了不文明的标签。所以我想你大概有点明白了，为什么“civility”在这里变成了一个问题，一个肮脏的字眼。这是否说我们不可以有不同的意见，不可以表达我们的想法呢？绝对不是。
I recently spoke with Dr. Carolyn Lukensmeyer. She's kind of the guru of civility in this country, and the executive director of a body called the National Institute for Civil Discourse. And she told me, "Civility does not mean appeasement or avoiding important differences. It means listening and talking about those differences with respect." In a healthy democracy, we need to do that. And I call that respectful engagement.
我最近和卡洛琳‧鲁肯斯梅尔博士交谈。她可以说是这个国家的文明大师。她同时也是一个叫国家民声研究所的机构的执行董事。她告诉我，“文明不是指采取绥靖政策或者回避重要分歧，而是指带着尊重的态度去倾听和讨论这些分歧。”在一个健康的民主制度中我们需要这样做。我将其称之为尊重的了解。
But civil discourse also needs rules, it needs boundaries. For instance, there's a difference between language that is simply rude or demeaning, and speech that invokes hatred and intolerance. And specifically of groups. And I'm thinking of racial and ethnic groups, I'm thinking of the LGBTQ community, I'm thinking of the disabled. We snowflakes call this speech "hate speech." And hate speech can lead to violence.
但是民声也需要规则和界限。比如说，单纯的粗鲁、贬低人的语言不同于激发仇恨和不容忍的言论。尤其那些激发对整个群体的仇恨和不容忍的言论。我在想种族与民族群体，我在想LGBTQ社群，我在想残疾人群体。我们这些敏感细腻的人称这种言论为仇恨言论。仇恨言论可以导致暴力。
So, to that point, in the fall of 2018, I wrote a column about Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. You may remember her, she was one of the women who accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault. And among the responses, I received this message, a personal message, which you can see here on the slide. It's been largely redacted.
2018年的秋季，我写了一篇关于克里斯汀·布拉西·福特博士的专栏文章。你们也许记得她。她是指控最高法院大法官提名人布雷特·卡瓦诺对其性侵的女性之一。在各种回复中，我收到了这条信息，一条私人信息。在这张幻灯片上你们可以看到许多内容都已经被删减。
This message was 50 words long. 10 of them were the f-bomb. And the Democrats were called out, President Obama was called out, and I was referred to in a pretty darn vulgar and coarse way. There was an explicit threat in that message, and that is why my editors at The Post sent it to authorities. This came shortly before the pipe bombs were sent to other media outlets, so everybody was really kind of on guard there. And the larger context was, only a few months before, five staffers had been killed at a Maryland newspaper. They had been shot dead by a reader with a grudge. "Shut up or else."
这条信息含有50个词，其中有10个都以F开头。民主党人被提到了，奥巴马总统被提到了。我也被以一个相当让人难受、下流、粗俗的方式提到了。在那条信息中有一个公开的威胁。正因如此，我在华盛顿邮报的编辑把它发送给了官方。这是在管道炸弹被寄到其他媒体之前不久发生的，所以每个人都相当警惕。而更大的背景是，仅在几个月之前，五个员工在马里兰的一家报社被杀害。他们被一个有怨恨的读者枪杀了。“闭嘴，不然的话。”
And it was around that same time that a different reader of mine started stalking me online. And at first, it was ... I'll call it light and fluffy. It was around this time last year and I still had my Christmas decorations up and he sent me a message saying, "You should take your Christmas decorations down." And then he noticed that my dog was off leash one day, and then he commented that I had gone to the market. And then he wrote me one that said, "If anyone were to shoot and kill you, it would not be a loss at all." I wish that were the end of the story. Because then, a few months later, he came to my door, my front door, in a rage and tried to break the door down. I now own mace, a security system and a Louisville Slugger baseball bat.
大概是在同一时间，我的另一位读者开始在网上跟踪我。刚开始的时候，情况比较……我会说比较轻微。然后大概是去年的这个时候，我还没有撤掉我的圣诞节装饰。他给我发一条信息说：“你应该把你的圣诞节装饰撤下来了”。接着他提醒我有一天我的狗没拴好绳子，再接着他评论说我之前去过市场。之后他给我发一条信息告诉我：“如果任何人想要给你几枪杀了你，完全没有任何损失可言 ”。我希望这就是故事的结尾。因为几个月之后，他愤怒地冲到我家门前，正门前，试图破门而入。现在我有自己的催泪喷雾，保安系统和一根路易斯维尔·斯拉格的棒球棒。
"Shut up or else."
“闭嘴，不然的话。”
So, what's to be done to forestall civility from turning ugly, from turning violent? My first rule is to deescalate language. And I've stopped using trigger words in print. And by trigger words, I mean "homophobe," I mean "racist," I mean "xenophobe," I mean "sexist." All of those words. They set people off. They're incendiary and they do not allow us to find common ground. They do not allow us to find a common heart.
那么，我们应该做些什么才能防止文明变得丑陋，变得暴力呢？我的第一条规则是给语言降级。在我的文章里我已经不再使用触发词了。所谓触发词，我指的是“仇同性恋者”，我指“种族主义者”，我指“仇外者”，我指“性别歧视者”。所有的这些词，它们都会触发、引爆人们的情绪。它们具有煽动性。它们阻止我们找到共同点。它们阻止我们找到共同心。
And so to this point, when John McCain died in 2018, his supporters noted that he never made personal attacks. But his opponents agreed as well, and I though that was what was really noteworthy. He challenged people's policies, he challenged their positions, but he never made it personal. And so that's the second rule.
当约翰·麦凯恩在2018年过世时，他的支持者们指出他从来没有进行过个人攻击，而他的反对者们对此也没有异议。我认为这一点非常难能可贵。他挑战人们的政策，他挑战人们的立场，但他从来不针对个人。而这也正是我的第二条规则。
So the problem of civility is not only an American one. In the Netherlands, there are calls for a civility offensive right now, and as one Dutch philosopher has put it, the country has fallen under a spell of "verhuftering." Now, this is not a word that I knew before and I did quite a bit of research. It loosely means bullying and the disappearance of good manners. It actually means much worse than that, but that's what I'm saying here. When you have a specific word, though, to describe a problem like that, you know you really have a problem.
文明的问题不是一个美国独有的问题。在荷兰，现在正有人要求发起文明进攻。正如一个荷兰哲学家所指出，这个国家已经被下了一个叫“verhuftering”的咒语。这个词我之前是不认识的，对此我做了相当多的功课。它大致上可以理解为欺凌和良好举止的消失。它的实际意思还要糟糕许多，但这是我在这里要说的。当你可以找到一个特定的词来描述一个问题时，你就知道了你的的确确是有一个问题。
And in the United Kingdom, the [2016] Brexit vote ... you know, has divided a nation even more so. And one critic of the breakup called those who favor it -- I just love this phrase -- "the frightened parochial lizard brain of Britain." The frightened parochial lizard brain of Britain. That's personal. And it makes me miss "Downton Abbey" and its patina of civility.
而在英国，2016年的脱欧投票，你们知道，更是分化了一个国家。一个批评英国脱欧的人把那些支持脱欧的人称作，我超喜欢这个表达，“英国狭隘受惊的蜥蜴脑”。英国狭隘受惊的蜥蜴脑，这是针对个人的。它让我怀念起《唐顿庄园》和里面文明的气息。
But therein lies the third rule: don't mistake decorum for civility. Even if you have a dowager countess as fabulous as Dame Maggie Smith.
但那里藏着第三条规则：不要错把繁文缛节当做文明。即便是由玛吉·史密斯女爵士来扮演惊艳的老伯爵夫人。
[Don't be defeatist. It's so middle class.]
[别当一个失败主义者，那样太中产阶级了。]
So let me end with one last story. Not that long ago, I was at a bakery, and they make these amazing scones. So, long line -- there are a lot of scones. And one by one, the scones were disappearing until there was one woman in between me and that last scone.
让我用最后一个故事来收尾。不久前，我在一个面包店，里面出售非常美味的司康饼。排队的人很多，司康饼也很多。但是一个接着一个，司康饼不断消失。等到我前面排队的还剩一位女士的时候，司康饼也只剩下一个了。
Praise the Lord, she said, "I'll have a croissant."
谢天谢地，她说：“我要个羊角面包。”
So when it became my turn, I said, "I'll take that scone." The guy behind me -- I'd never turned around, never seen him -- he shouted, "That's my scone! I've been waiting in line 20 minutes." And I was like, "Who are you? I've been waiting in line 20 minutes, and you're behind me." So, I grew up here in New York, and went to high school not that far from here. And I may seem, you know, very civil here and so on, but I can hip check anybody for a taxicab in this room, on these streets. So I was surprised when I said to this guy ... "Would you like half?" "Would you like half?"
所以等轮到我的时候，我说：“我要那个司康饼。”站在我后面的那个男人，我本来绝对不会转过身看他。他大叫道：“那是我的司康饼！我已经排队排了20分钟了。”我当时想：“你是谁啊？我也排队排了20分钟，而且你排在我后面。”我在纽约这里长大，我的高中离这里不远。我也许看起来，你们知道，很文明什么的。但我可以用屁股功和这间屋子里的任何一个人在马路上抢一辆计程车。所以当我对那个男人脱口而出“你想要一半吗？”“你想要一半吗？”的时候，我自己非常惊讶。
I didn't think about it, it just came out. And then, he was very puzzled, and I could see his face change and he said to me, "Well, how about if I buy another pastry and we'll share both of them?" And he did, and we did. And we sat and talked. We had nothing in common.
我根本想都没想，那句话就这么从我嘴里冒出来了。结果，他也猛地楞了一下，我可以看见他神情的变化。接着他对我说：“这么着吧，你看我再买个其他的糕点，然后我们一起分享两个糕点怎么样？”结果他真另外买了一个糕点，我们也真一起分享了两个糕点。我们坐了下来开始聊天。我们没有任何共同点。
We had nothing in common: nationality, sexual orientation, occupation. But through this moment of kindness, through this moment of connection, we developed a friendship, we have stayed in touch.
我们没有任何共同点：国籍，性取向，职业。但是通过这个善意的瞬间，通过这个衔接的瞬间，我们发展起了一段友谊，我们现在还保持联系。
Although he was appalled to learn that I'm called the Civilist after that.
虽然说当他后来得知我被称为文明主义者时相当惊恐。
But I call this the joy of civility. The joy of civility. And it led me to wonder, what is the good we forgo, not just the trouble we avoid, when we choose to be uncivil. And by good, I mean friendship, I mean connection. I mean sharing 1000 calories. But I also mean it in a larger way. You know, as communities and as a country and as a world. What are we missing out on?
但我将这样的经历称为文明的乐趣。文明的乐趣。它引导我去思忖这样一个问题：当我们选择不文明的时候，在避免了一些麻烦的同时，我们错过了什么好处？所谓好处，我指友谊，我指衔接，我指分享1000卡路里。但我也指一些更大意义上的好处。作为社区，作为一个国家，作为一个世界，我们错过了什么？
So, today, we are engaged in a great civil war of ideas and identity. And we have no rules for them. You know, there are rules for war. Think about the Geneva Conventions. They ensure that every soldier is treated humanely, on and off the battlefield. So, frankly, I think we need a Geneva Convention of civility, to set the rules for discourse for the parameters of that. To help us become better citizens of our communities and of our countries.
今天，我们正在围绕思想和身份展开一场重大内战。而我们没有规则可循。你们知道，战争是有规则的。想一想日内瓦公约，公约确保每个士兵都得到人道待遇，无论是在战场上还是下了战场。所以，直白地说，我认为我们需要一个日内瓦文明公约。来给时下的辩论提供一套制约规则，来帮助我们成为我们的社区和我们的国家的更好的公民。
And if I have anything to say about it, I would base those rules on the original definition of civility, from the Latin and from the French. Civility: citizens willing to give of themselves for the greater good. For the good of the city. So I think civility, with that understanding, is not a dirty word. And I hope the civilist will not become, or will not stay, obsolete.
如果关于这个公约我有什么要说的，我会要求把所有规则建立在“civility”的本意上，来自于拉丁语和法语的本意。那就是：愿意为了更大的利益，为了城市的利益而奉献自己的公民。所以我想，如果我们这样理解“civility”，它便不再是一个肮脏的词。我希望文明主义者不要过时，或者继续过时。
Thank you.
谢谢。
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