Sex in China – The Second Wife
Sex in China – The Second Wife or Er Nai
In the rest of the world it’s not unknown for men to take a lover outside of their marriage. Here in China, however this is a formal concept in society. The second wife is essentially a prostitute who only sleeps with a single client. In exchange the man usually rents (or in long-term arrangements buys) her apartment for her, provides a car, an income and supplies a number of gifts across the course of the deal.
This doesn’t mean that his second wife is always exclusively his lover; many second wives have active love lives outside of the relationship that keeps them in clover. What it does mean, is that second wives are at the beck and call of their paymaster. They can spend days or even weeks without their client, but the moment he calls – they drop whatever (or whoever) they are doing and rush off to be by his side.
It's been going on for a long time too. In days gone by the appropriate word was concubine. And here's one of the last Chinese emperor's concubines. In the 1940's...
This phenomenon has been common in China for the longest time, in some cases the real wife knows and approves or even likes the second wife. In other cases the second wife is kept a secret at home but usually a bad one. Why? Because the second wife is always a much younger more attractive woman than the wife, and as such when a Chinese businessman wants to impress clients, business associates or friends at social functions – he will often take his er nai to accompany him.
The reason for this seems to be that when they are young often Chinese men don’t have much money and thus cannot attract the kind of woman they so desire. So they marry, usually to keep their parents happy, and have children with a woman that they don’t feel matches their expectations. Then when the money starts to flow, they can get the woman of their dreams (for a price) and so they feel entitled to do so. The first wife generally won’t object to this, as long as he’s a good father to his children and the money spent on the second wife doesn’t impact on her family’s quality of life – it’s expected.
Second wives are the envy of all sex workers in China, it’s considered to be a plum job. It’s less risky than having multiple sexual partners, it pays better and it means their families will be well taken care of with the money they bring in. And because it has a thin veneer of social respectability, the position carries far less social stigma than other kinds of sex work. There are many ranks of prostitute in China, and the er nai is at the top of the heap. Many KTV girls and high class “escorts” dream of meeting a man that will make them his second wife.
And another image of a "concubine" this one from before the days of photography. Really, it's a long time tradition.
From a Chinese male perspective, it is expected that a successful man will have a second wife (in fact super rich Chinese may have several “second wives”) and thus there’s a pressure to conform to this from his peers.
I’ve spoken to some Chinese women about this and many seem unbothered by the idea that their husbands will one day take a lover. Though when I jokingly mentioned the idea of second wives to my own wife while we were living in Arabia (where in many states Muslims may marry four women), she told me; “Of course you can have a second wife, as long as you don’t mind the first wife killing you when you are sleeping.”
THOUGHTS ON “SEX IN CHINA – THE SECOND WIFE OR ER NAI”
Thanks very much.I think you need to spend a good while in China to even get an inkling of what’s beneath the surface – this concept is something I didn’t know about until I’d been here about 18 months. Partly because people are reluctant to share with outsiders, because they understand the culture gap, what they would have no worries sharing with their direct peers.
Wow! this is wonderful! I’m learning a lot from your series! This is really great! By the way, I’m just wondering maybe it started during the reign of emperors in China where an Emperor can have a lot of concubines?? Maybe.. just maybe
Anyway! I’m learning a lot!!! Kudos!
Anything is possible.Thanks for following the series.
REPLYYes, I had an experience in Los Angeles Chinatown with my good Chinese friends that shocked me–but they were unshocked when one of our circle took a mistress right under the nose of his wife. And held a luncheon to celebrate her that we were all expected to attend, including the wife! I suspected this might be the norm in China but until your well written post here, did not know for sure. Thank you!
Cheers, Nick.Hi Marlan, thanks for commenting. I didn’t know that the Chinese would follow the same practices overseas – though it doesn’t surprise me I guess, cultural norms are cultural norms after all.
One of my wife’s friends used to be an er nai. Until she pressured her sugar daddy to divorce his wife and so now she’s the only girlfriend. But I can’t figure out how she could be able to trust him. Because if he took an er nai once then he’ll probably do it again. So what will the friend do when she gets ditched for a younger, prettier girl? It’s a cycle!
I agree, unless the er nai is bringing something extraordinary to the table – she’s likely to be out on her ear in ten years or so even if the guy dumps his actual wife and gets together with her. Great observation, thanks.
REPLYI’ve lived in China for a year and I didn’t find this very common, at least not among Chinese men, while I found that a good 95% of Western men (expat, married and living in China with their families) have a Chinese mistress, kind of the trend, and pretty sad.
REPLYHi Angela, thanks for commenting – I can say on this one – that in my experience (and I live here) that almost all Chinese men of reasonable wealth have a mistress, and are pretty proud of the fact too.
I’ve noticed the same thing Nick has. I suspect that they’re not as open about it with you because you’re a woman. (And if you’re a thin Western woman, they may have been hoping that you’d be their girlfriend too.)
Have you ever read “The Waiting Years” by Fumiko Enchi? The book, as the author’s name suggests, is based in Japan rather than China, and of course there are bound to be differences, but your articles on second wives brought the book strongly to mind. Most specifically, the pressure of peers to possess a second wife as a measure of social standing, the relationship (both supportive and difficult) between wives and concubines, etc. I know the two countries are not always fond of each other and that they even have considerable differences from province to province within a country, but it seems, too, that they spent a considerable amount of time learning from and emulating each other in some respects (well, at least before the United States, Dutch, British, and other Europeans showed up with their gunships), so I thought perhaps the book might hold further insights into the history and internal viewpoints of the practice.
Hi! I haven’t read the book but I’ll certainly try and grab a copy – I hadn’t considered the Japan – China cultural mirror, probably because I know so little about Japan – apart from what happened during World War 2. Thanks very much for this and taking the time to comment.
Hay! I am a student from Holland and I want to write an article about the modern concubines in China. It seems that you know quite a lot about the subject
Hello, I just wanted to leave a reply about er nai and my points in seeing it as the ‘norm’. While it is fairly acceptable, their are still underlying resentments between the family and the er nai depending on how close the family is.
My family came from a poor farming background most of whom moved to the city. In ~1997 they were all given ‘farming’ land (about 20min drive form city centre) and were able to build on them. Most made housing blocks and rented it to other rural workers and made considerable profits. My grandpa was one of these ex-farmers and has 2 are brothers. All of them took an er nai or had extra marital affairs. The eldest still has 2 wives and they both even sit on the same dining table during dinners. However I always detect a sort of resignation in the first wife(who is much older). She lives in the hometown while the 2nd wife lives with him at the city. The 2nd wife also has 2 daughters who are very pretty and they seem to get along well with their half siblings. When I first made made the distinction I was to a degree, repulsed. But it seemed if he can support both families, in Chinese views, it’s better if the first wife wasn’t left on the streets. The second brother had another family when he came to the city to work without his wife knowing. It all ended with his wife having cancer and died so he married the other lady. I was told he was frowned upon back then. He wasn’t the oldest (entitlement for more wives) nor that rich and some even blame him for causing his wife’s grief and death. The lady he married is much younger than him. Lastly, my own grandpa is where we had the most resentment. Maybe because he is my immediate family and we had a close kinship. His reason was to do with passing on the family name. His only son committed suicide and moreover, land passed through sons. My grandma stood up to his family and said daughters are humans too so should have claim rights. But great grandma suggested getting a young er nai and have a male son. In the end he did and we only found out after he had a daughter with this woman then a son. My grandma wanted him to cut all ties with her and just wanted to adopt the boy but the er nai refused (knowing this was her free meal ticket). She already had a flat bought for her when she had the daughter. I heard from my aunty she had gotten fat from not having to work anymore. Her daughter goes to the same preschool as my aunt’s son, she lives that close to our family. I asked aunty how it feels to see her and she feels nothing, it’s just something that happens and you cannot stop and will someday accept them as part of the family. I was so angry at first but got over it.. he did it to save face as he had no sons. My grandma is still angry as there is still the possibility he might sneak off there. Which I believe he did more than once. They go on holidays a lot now probably to stop him.
Sorry if this was long. I have always wanted to pour this out but remain anonymous. One day when I meet the half relatives & hope it works out with with mutual understanding. I believe if my father were alive today, he too would have an er nai.
Thank you very much for your comment – unless you object I’m going to run this as a piece on the site – as this material about second wives is a little old now, and I think this would be very valuable to share in a wider context.
Hi. I have been to China three times now and stayed for a month on each occasion. I have my Chinese fiance living there however she will come to Australia in mid 2013. When i asked her about the second wife stories that i have heard she replied it was not that common and generaly for rich men in the capital cities. eg: ( basicaly businessmen in Hong Kong that would travel to Shenzhen on weekends or business). Most of the multitudes of males i have seen are streched to look after a small family so i think it appears less these days as was previously. I personaly think it is appaling to disrespect your wife in what is one of the most fundamentals of marriage. But I am not Chinese.
Hi Daryl,
You’re fiance (or is it wife now?) is absolutely right that it’s not all men who do it, but it’s not just in the Capital cities. In Dalian I personally know a few second wives, and I know of even more. My g/f’s uncle had a wife, but then divorced her after he fell in love with his second wife..and he isn’t a govt worker. Just a business man. Movies and books play the whole thing up, but it is still within the culture. My guess is that you’re lucky to be with a woman who has good friends that are just good people.
Good info here. I’m getting ready to write about this a bit in my blog, too. I’ve been living in China almost two years, and have seen this “er nai” situation a few times. My g/f knows some women who were or are second wives, too. It’s a topic of great interest right now among a lot of young women where I’m at.
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What an interesting series! All of this is stuff we of course never encountered during our weeks in China (being a western couple only there for two months). Thanks for sharing and keep it up!