TED | 为什么我们需要与陌生人交流

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为什么我们需要与陌生人交流

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Kio Stark

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社会 心理TED 演讲

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我们一直来受到的教育是"不要和陌生人说话,陌生人是危险的"，本期TED演讲者Kio Stark女士却对这一观点提出质疑。她的经历和观察告诉了她：如果我们能够推翻对陌生人的成见会带来意想不到的惊喜。让我们终止无数的猜忌，创造一个更美好的世界吧！

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中文讲稿

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00:00

当我们看到一个陌生人或者一个邻居走过的时候，我们会寒暄几句。我们会说：“你好。最近怎么样？今天天气很好。你感觉怎么样？”这些听起来并没有什么意义对吧？在一定程度上来说就是这样的。它们没有任何语义学上的意义。与你今天的感觉或者天气状况并没有什么直接关系。它们带有其他意义。

00:25

它们拥有的是社交意义。我们说那些话的时候传递的意思是：我看到你了。

00:33

我热衷于与陌生人交谈，我和他们进行眼神交流，语言交流，我提供帮助，倾听他们。我从他们那里得到了各种各样的故事。大约七年前，我开始记录我的经历，希望借此找出这种喜好的原因。我从中发现了一些很美好的东西，几乎称得上是颇具诗意。这些都是含义深刻的经历。是意想不到的的喜悦。是真诚的情感联系。是释放自我的瞬间。

01:09

比如有一天，我站在街口等绿灯，我是一个纽约客，所以那意味着我实际上是站在马路边的雨篦子上，就好像我因此能够快一些过马路一样。我身边站了一个老年人，他穿着一件长大衣，戴着一顶老年帽，看起来就像是从电影里走出来的。他对我说，“不要站在那里，你可能会消失的。”这听起来很荒谬，是吧？但是我照他说的做了。向后退了一步回到人行道上。他对我微笑了一下，然后说：”很好，谁知道呢，可能我转个身，然后嗖的一下你就消失了。“这听起来怪怪的。

01:51

但却让我感觉特别好。他是那么热情，并且因为“挽救”了我而感觉那么开心。我们建立起了小小的联系。有那么一会儿，我觉得我的存在被人注意到了，并且我是值得被拯救的。但让人遗憾的是，在世界的很多地方，我们受到的教育让我们相信，陌生人都是危险的，我们不能相信他们，因为他们可能会伤害到我们。但是大多数陌生人并不危险。我们在他们身边会感到不安，是因为不了解他们的背景。我们不知道他们的意图何在。所以我们依赖于“陌生人”这个范畴，而不是自己的觉察力和决策力。

02:38

我有一个四岁的小孩。当我在路上与别人打招呼时，她问我为什么要这样做。她问：“我们认识他们吗？”

02:48

我说：”不，他们是邻居。“

02:50

她问：“他们是我们的朋友吗？”

02:52

我回答：“不，但是我们应该为人友善。”

02:55

每当我对她这样说的时候，我都会反复思量，因为我真的是这样认为的,然而作为一名女性，我尤其知道并不是每一个陌生人都有好的企图。对别人友善是好的，而学习判断何时不该这样也是对的，但不管哪一种，都不意味着我们要对他们心怀恐惧。

03:14

依靠感觉而不是恐惧可以为我们带来两个巨大的好处。第一个好处在于，这样做能够使我们解放自我。想一下，依赖自己的觉察力而不是已有的“陌生人”范畴，的确是说起来容易做起来难。分类是我们大脑惯用的伎俩。对于人这一分类来说，这对学习了解他们是某种意义上的捷径。我们看到男性、女性、年轻人、老年人、黑种人、黄种人、白种人、陌生人、朋友……然后我们就运用在那一分类之下的信息。这种方法很快捷，很简单，也同时带来了偏见。这意味着我们没有把人们看作单独的个体。我认识一位经常在中亚和非洲独自旅行的美国研究员。她进入那些城镇的时候是完完全全的陌生人。她和别人没有任何联系。就是一个外国人。她的生存法则是：让一个陌生人把你当作一个真实存在的独立个体。如果你能做到这样，其他人也就能够通过这种方式注意到你。

04:29

凭自己感觉的另外一个好处与亲密感有关。我知道把陌生人和亲密感放到一起听起来有些有悖直觉，但是这些快速的互动可以带来一种被社会学家们称作“短暂亲密”的感觉。所以这是一段有情感共鸣和意义的短暂经历。这就是那位老人将我从雨篦子的“死亡陷阱”中“拯救”出来之后，我得到的那种美妙的感觉；或者是在我乘火车上班与别人交谈时感觉自己是社群的一份子。

05:05

有时候还会更进一步。研究表明，人们通常对陌生人敞开心扉相比对家人和朋友要更容易一些——人们经常觉得更容易被陌生人理解。媒体十分悲观地报道了这一发现，将其称作：“陌生人之间的交流要好过配偶之间！”这标题很抢眼，不是吗？但我觉得他们完全没有抓住关键点。研究的核心是陌生人之间的互动有多重要；这种特殊的亲近能够提供我们所需要的东西，就像我们需要朋友或者家人一样。那么为什么我们和陌生人能交流得如此顺畅呢？这当中有两个原因。其一在于这是一个快速的互动。

06:03

并不会涉及到任何后果。对以后再也不会见到的人坦诚相见并没有特别难，对吧？这样说得通。第二个理由要有趣得多。我们对亲近的人存在偏见。我们期待他们理解我们。我们默认得到了他们的理解，也期待他们会站在我们的角度思考。假设你在参加派对，你无法接受你的朋友，或者是配偶，竟然没有注意到你想要早点离开。你会想，“我向你使过眼色了。“对待陌生人的时候，我们就需要从零开始。我们要讲清前因后果。

06:43

我们会解释都有哪些人，以及我们对他们的看法；我们会解释清楚笑点在哪里。猜猜结果是什么？有时候他们确实能更好的理解我们。好的。现在我们知道与陌生人的交流关系重大。

06:58

但是为什么会这样呢？我们会遵循一些约定俗成的规矩，这些规矩会因为你所在的国家和文化背景有所差异。在美国大多数地方，公共交流的底线是我们要维持礼貌和隐私的平衡。也就是我们说的“礼节性疏忽”。想象两个人在街道上面对面走近。他们会远距离观察对方。这是礼节，是对他人的认可。但是随着他们走近彼此，他们会移开视线，目的就是给对方一些个人空间。在其他文化中，人们会尽力避免跟其他人有任何接触。

07:42

丹麦的朋友告诉我，很多丹麦人不愿意和陌生人讲话，以至于他们宁愿坐过站也不愿意对别人说“接过”，好腾出地方让自己下车。他们只会通过故意移动背包和肢体语言来告诉别人他们需要借过，而不是用简单的两个单词。在埃及，有人告诉我。

08:07

无视陌生人是十分没有礼貌的做法，并且有很多关于友善的文化。陌生人之间可以分享饮用水，或者如果你向当地人问路，他们很有可能会邀请你到家里喝杯咖啡。只有当这些规矩被打破的时候，或者我们在新环境中想要入乡随俗，才会注意到这些本来习以为常的规矩。有时候稍微破坏一下规矩就可以发现正确的举动。

08:42

万一正确的举动并不是那么明确，我很希望你们能这样做。可以试着这样寻求帮助。找一个和你在进行眼神交流的人。有眼神交流是一个很好的信号。你首先要做的是微微一笑。如果你在街道上或是走廊里与人擦肩而过，微笑一下，看看会发生什么。

09:02

另外要做的一件事是三角评估。在这个三角形中有你，一个陌生人，以及一件你们都能看到或者评价的物品，比如说一件艺术展品，或者是在街道上传教的人，或者是衣着滑稽的人。试试看。对第三件事情稍加点评，看能不能开始一段对话。另外个技巧我称它为"关注"。

09:26

一般在这种情况下要赞美别人。我十分注意别人的鞋子，虽然我现在并没有穿特别抢眼的鞋子，但是总的来说，鞋子都是很棒的。而且一般在赞美的时候都是比较中立的着眼点。人们总是愿意就他们的靓鞋多聊几句。你可能已经体会过了爱犬原则或者是婴儿原则。

09:49

和街道上的陌生人聊天可能会很尴尬——你不知道他们会怎么回应你。但你总是可以对他们的宠物狗或者是小孩讲话。宠物狗或者是小孩就是那个人的社交引线。通过他们的反应，你可以判断出他们是不是愿意多聊几句。我最后想要挑战各位的一点是关于能否开诚布公。

10:10

这是非常示弱的行为，但同时也会带给你极大的回馈。所以下一次，当你自在地与陌生人聊天的时候，告诉他们一些真实的事情，说一些很私人的话题。你可能会感受到我提到的那种被理解的感觉。有时在交谈的时候，有人问我：“你爸爸是做什么的？”或者“他住在哪里？”有时候我会对他们完完全全讲真话。

10:37

也就是我爸爸在我小的时候就去世了。每当那种时刻，他们也会向我分享他们过世的亲人的故事。一般来说，人们愿意彼此敞开心扉，对陌生人也不例外。所以总的来说，当你在与陌生人聊天的时候，你通过介绍自己的经历。

10:59

对自己和别人的生活进行了非常美妙的打扰。你们建立起了未曾预料过的联系。如果你不与陌生人交谈，你就错过了所有那些美好的经历。我们花费了很长时间教导我们的孩子如何对待陌生人。如果我们能花更多时间教教自己呢？我们能够终止无数的猜忌。我们能够创造一个改变的空间。谢谢。

The End

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英文讲稿

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00:00

There are things we say when we catch the eye of a stranger or a neighbor walking by. We say, "Hello, how are you? It's a beautiful day. How do you feel?" These sound kind of meaningless, right? And, in some ways, they are. They have no semantic meaning. It doesn't matter how you are or what the day is like. They have something else. They have social meaning. What we mean when we say those things is: I see you there. 

00:33

I'm obsessed with talking to strangers. I make eye contact, say hello, I offer help, I listen. I get all kinds of stories. About seven years ago, I started documenting my experiences to try to figure out why. What I found was that something really beautiful was going on. This is almost poetic. These were really profound experiences. They were unexpected pleasures. They were genuine emotional connections. They were liberating moments. 

01:10

So one day, I was standing on a corner waiting for the light to change, which, I'm a New Yorker, so that means I was actually standing in the street on the storm drain, as if that could get me across faster. And there's an old man standing next to me. So he's wearing, like, a long overcoat and sort of an old-man hat, and he looked like somebody from a movie. And he says to me, "Don't stand there. You might disappear." So this is absurd, right? But I did what he said. I stepped back onto the sidewalk. And he smiled, and he said, "Good. You never know. I might have turned around, and zoop, you're gone." 

01:49

This was weird, and also really wonderful. He was so warm, and he was so happy that he'd saved me. We had this little bond. For a minute, I felt like my existence as a person had been noticed, and I was worth saving. The really sad thing is, in many parts of the world, we're raised to believe that strangers are dangerous by default, that we can't trust them, that they might hurt us. But most strangers aren't dangerous. We're uneasy around them because we have no context. We don't know what their intentions are. So instead of using our perceptions and making choices, we rely on this category of "stranger."

02:39

I have a four-year-old. When I say hello to people on the street, she asks me why. She says, "Do we know them?" 

02:48

I say, "No, they're our neighbor." 

02:50

"Are they our friend?" 

02:52

"No, it's just good to be friendly." 

02:55

I think twice every time I say that to her, because I mean it, but as a woman, particularly, I know that not every stranger on the street has the best intentions. It is good to be friendly, and it's good to learn when not to be, but none of that means we have to be afraid. 

03:14

There are two huge benefits to using our senses instead of our fears. The first one is that it liberates us. When you think about it, using perception instead of categories is much easier said than done. Categories are something our brains use. When it comes to people, it's sort of a shortcut for learning about them. We see male, female, young, old, black, brown, white, stranger, friend, and we use the information in that box. It's quick, it's easy and it's a road to bias. And it means we're not thinking about people as individuals. I know an American researcher who travels frequently in Central Asia and Africa, alone. She's entering into towns and cities as a complete stranger. She has no bonds, no connections. She's a foreigner. Her survival strategy is this: get one stranger to see you as a real, individual person. If you can do that, it'll help other people see you that way, too. 

04:28

The second benefit of using our senses has to do with intimacy. I know it sounds a little counterintuitive, intimacy and strangers, but these quick interactions can lead to a feeling that sociologists call "fleeting intimacy." So, it's a brief experience that has emotional resonance and meaning. It's the good feeling I got from being saved from the death trap of the storm drain by the old man, or how I feel like part of a community when I talk to somebody on my train on the way to work. 

05:05

Sometimes it goes further. Researchers have found that people often feel more comfortable being honest and open about their inner selves with strangers than they do with their friends and their families -- that they often feel more understood by strangers. This gets reported in the media with great lament. "Strangers communicate better than spouses!" It's a good headline, right? I think it entirely misses the point. The important thing about these studies is just how significant these interactions can be; how this special form of closeness gives us something we need as much as we need our friends and our families. 

05:52

So how is it possible that we communicate so well with strangers? There are two reasons. The first one is that it's a quick interaction. It has no consequences. It's easy to be honest with someone you're never going to see again, right? That makes sense. The second reason is where it gets more interesting. We have a bias when it comes to people we're close to. We expect them to understand us. We assume they do, and we expect them to read our minds. So imagine you're at a party, and you can't believe that your friend or your spouse isn't picking up on it that you want to leave early. And you're thinking, "I gave you the look." 

06:38

With a stranger, we have to start from scratch. We tell the whole story, we explain who the people are, how we feel about them; we spell out all the inside jokes. And guess what? Sometimes they do understand us a little better. 

06:54

OK. So now that we know that talking to strangers matters, how does it work? There are unwritten rules we tend to follow. The rules are very different depending on what country you're in, what culture you're in. In most parts of the US, the baseline expectation in public is that we maintain a balance between civility and privacy. This is known as civil inattention. So, imagine two people are walking towards each other on the street. They'll glance at each other from a distance. That's the civility, the acknowledgment. And then as they get closer, they'll look away, to give each other some space. 

07:35

In other cultures, people go to extraordinary lengths not to interact at all. People from Denmark tell me that many Danes are so averse to talking to strangers, that they would rather miss their stop on the bus than say "excuse me" to someone that they need to get around. Instead, there's this elaborate shuffling of bags and using your body to say that you need to get past, instead of using two words. 

08:06

In Egypt, I'm told, it's rude to ignore a stranger, and there's a remarkable culture of hospitality. Strangers might ask each other for a sip of water. Or, if you ask someone for directions, they're very likely to invite you home for coffee. We see these unwritten rules most clearly when they're broken, or when you're in a new place and you're trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. 

08:35

Sometimes breaking the rules a little bit is where the action is. In case it's not clear, I really want you to do this. OK? So here's how it's going to go. Find somebody who is making eye contact. That's a good signal. The first thing is a simple smile. If you're passing somebody on the street or in the hallway here, smile. See what happens. 

09:02

Another is triangulation. There's you, there's a stranger, there's some third thing that you both might see and comment on, like a piece of public art or somebody preaching in the street or somebody wearing funny clothes. Give it a try. Make a comment about that third thing, and see if starts a conversation. 

09:24

Another is what I call noticing. This is usually giving a compliment. I'm a big fan of noticing people's shoes. I'm actually not wearing fabulous shoes right now, but shoes are fabulous in general. And they're pretty neutral as far as giving compliments goes. People always want to tell you things about their awesome shoes. 

09:45

You may have already experienced the dogs and babies principle. It can be awkward to talk to someone on the street; you don't know how they're going to respond. But you can always talk to their dog or their baby. The dog or the baby is a social conduit to the person, and you can tell by how they respond whether they're open to talking more. 

10:06

The last one I want to challenge you to is disclosure. This is a very vulnerable thing to do, and it can be very rewarding. So next time you're talking to a stranger and you feel comfortable, tell them something true about yourself, something really personal. You might have that experience I talked about of feeling understood. 

10:29

Sometimes in conversation, it comes up, people ask me, "What does your dad do?" or, "Where does he live?" And sometimes I tell them the whole truth, which is that he died when I was a kid. Always in those moments, they share their own experiences of loss. We tend to meet disclosure with disclosure, even with strangers. 

10:52

So, here it is. When you talk to strangers, you're making beautiful interruptions into the expected narrative of your daily life and theirs. You're making unexpected connections. If you don't talk to strangers, you're missing out on all of that. We spend a lot of time teaching our children about strangers. What would happen if we spent more time teaching ourselves? We could reject all the ideas that make us so suspicious of each other. We could make a space for change. 

11:32

Thank you. 

The End

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