TED | 保持联系却仍然孤单
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保持联系却仍然孤单
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Sherry Turkle
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社会 心理 技能 TED 演讲
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当我们对科技的期望越来越高时，我们对彼此的期望会越来越低吗?雪莉·特克尔(Sherry Turkle)研究了我们的设备和在线角色是如何重新定义人际关系和沟通的，并要求我们深入思考我们希望拥有的新型联系。
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00:18
几分钟之前，我的女儿Rebecca，发了一条短信为我加油。她说“妈妈，你会震撼全场的！”我太喜欢这个了，接到这条短信，就像得到了她的拥抱。所以大家看到了，我自己就处在这样一个核心矛盾里。我自己非常喜欢收短信，但却要告诉大家，太多的短信会成为一个大问题。
00:51
事实上，我的女儿让我想起了这个故事的开端。1996年我第一次在TED演讲的时候，Rebecca只有5岁，她就坐在那里，最前排。那时我刚刚写了一本书，庆祝我们的网络新生活，而且将要成为《连线》杂志，(Wired)，的封面人物。在那些令人陶醉的日子里，我们体验着，网络聊天室和在线虚拟社区。我们正从不同的角度探索自己。然后我们回到现实中来。我对此感到非常兴奋。作为一个心理学家，最令我兴奋的，就是这样的理念，我们会运用我们在虚拟世界中，对自己，对我们自身认同的了解，改善我们的现实生活。
01:45
现在让我们快进到2012年，我又重新回到了，TED，的讲台。我的女儿已经是一名20岁的大学生了。她睡觉都抱着她的手机。其实我也是。我刚刚完成了一本新书，但是这一本却不会，让我登上《连线》杂志，的封面。那这十几年间发生了什么呢？我仍然为科技而兴奋，但是我相信，并且想要向大家说明，我们正在放任科技，它将我们带向歧途。
02:24
在过去的15年间，我一直在研究移动通信技术的影响，并且访问了成百上千的人，年轻的或年长的，了解他们的“移动生活”。我发现，我们口袋中，那些轻巧的电子设备，在心理学上有着如此强大的力量，它们不仅改变了我们的生活方式，也改变了我们本身。我们现在用电子设备做的一些事情，在几年前，还被认为是稀奇，或让人讨厌，但是很快大家就习以为常，只是我们的行事方式而已。
03:06
让我们来举几个简单的例子。人们在公司的董事会议上，发短信或写邮件，人们发短信，网购，浏览脸谱，上课时，听报告时，实际上在几乎所有的会议时。甚至有人告诉我一项重要的新技能，发短信时如何与别人，进行眼神交流！（笑），他们说这虽然难，但还是可以做到的。父母们在早餐和晚餐时，发短信和邮件，孩子们因此抱怨，父母对他们不够关注。但是同时这些孩子，也很少专心地与彼此相处。这是一张我女儿和她朋友们，最近的照片，她们虽然处在同样的空间，确没有真正地一起相处。人们甚至在葬礼上发短信。我研究这一现象，我们需要别的东西，来分散我们的悲伤或者胡思乱想，所以我们需要玩手机。
04:11
这样有什么问题吗？我认为这的确是个问题：，我们正在为自己挖陷阱，这个陷阱无疑会影响，人与人之间的联系，同时也会影响，我们和自己的联系，降低我们认识和反省自己的能力。我们越来越习惯这种新的，"一起独处”的相处方式。人们希望待在一起，但是同时也“在别处”，连线到他们想去的不同地方。人们想要定制他们的生活，想要在不同的场合和地点之间切换，因为对他们来说最重要的是，控制和分配他们的精力。例如你想去参加董事会议，但是只想关注你感兴趣，的一小部分内容。有人认为这是好事，但是长此以往，人们就会对别人隐藏自己，即便我们一直保持着彼此间的联系。
05:11
一位50岁的商人，曾悲哀地告诉我，他觉得工作时不再有同事了。他工作时不会停下来和别人说活。他不打电话，他说他不想打断他的同事，因为，他说：“他们都在忙着发邮件。”但是然后他停下来，他说：“其实我没有说实话，”“我也不想让别人打扰我。”“我觉得我应该想（被打扰）的，”“但是实际上我更愿意用我的黑莓手机（联系别人）。”
05:42
不管哪一代人，我发现他们没法从彼此那里得到足够的关注，如果他们仅仅，将彼此保持在一种，可以控制的距离范围里。我把这种现象称作Goldilocks，适宜效应：不太近，也不太远，刚刚好。但是对于刚才那位中年商人来说，刚刚好的距离，对需要学会与人面对面交流的，青少年来说，却可能太过疏远。有一个18岁的孩子，他几乎任何事情都用发短信解决，他惆怅地跟我说“总有一天，但是当然不是现在，我会学习一下如何跟人交谈。”
06:29
我问人们“为什么不面对面交谈？”他们回答说：“因为面对面交谈，是实时发生的，你没法控制你要说什么。”所以这才是最重要的，发短信，写邮件，贴照片发状态，所有这些，都能让我们向别人呈现出我们想变成的样子。我们可以编辑，就是说我们可以删除，可以修改和润色，我们的面容，声音，甚至我们的整个形象，让它不少也不多，刚刚好。
07:12
人类的关系非常丰富，也很复杂，而且需要技巧和精力来处理。我们现在可以用技术使它变简便。在我们做这种简化时，一个很可能的问题就是，我们为了简便的联系，放弃了面对面的交流。我们这是自欺欺人。长此以往，我们似乎忘记了这一点，或者没有人在乎这一点了。
07:39
Stephen Colbert问过这样一个，让我猝不及防的，深刻的问题。非常深刻。他说：“难道那些，微小的简短的，在线交流的片段，加在一起不能等同于，真正的交谈吗？”我的回答是“不能”。那些片段不能整合在一起。以这种小片段的方式交流，可能可以收集到那些精心修饰过的信息，可能表达“我在想你，”甚至表达“我爱你”的确，想象一下，接到女儿那条短信时我有多么高兴。但是那些小片段，很难让我们互相了解，真正地了解和理解对方。我们在与彼此交谈的同时，也学习着如何，同自己交流。所以放弃面对面交谈，确实有着很大的影响，因为这会损害，我们自我反省的能力。对于孩子们来说，这项能力是成长的一个重要的基石。
09:04
我一次又一次地听到：“比起说话我更愿意发短信。”我所看到的也是，人们如此习惯于自欺欺人，逃离真实的交谈，如此习惯于逃向更少更浅的交流，以至于他们几乎越来越希望，躲开别人。比如说，很多人跟我讲过这样的愿望，有一天，更高版本的Siri，（苹果公司iphone的智能语音助手），会更像一个好朋友，一个当别人都无暇顾及你时，还耐心聆听的挚友。我相信这样的愿望，反映了过去15年间，我了解到的一个痛苦的事实：，那种“没有人愿意听我倾诉”的感觉，在我们与科技的关系里，起了重要的作用。这是解释了为什么我们这么喜欢，脸谱页面，或者推特页面。上面有这么多自动生成的听众呀！而且那种没人倾听的感觉，使我们更愿意和，看似关心我们的机器待在一起。
10:10
我们在开发一种，被称作“社会性机器人”的产品，它们是专门设计来，陪伴老人，孩子，甚至我们每个人的。我们已经对给予彼此关怀，毫无信心了吗？（要转而依赖机器人？），我的有一项在，疗养院进行的研究，我们把“社会性机器人”带到疗养院里，希望它们可以给予老人，被理解的温暖感。一天，我走进疗养院，看到一位失去孩子的妇女，正在对着，一个小海豹形状的机器人说话。这个机器人看上去像在看她的眼睛，看上去像听得懂她说话，它可以给她安慰，很多人都觉得这种技术很棒。
11:03
但是那位妇女居然在试图让，一个对人类的生活轨迹，毫无感受的机器理解她！那个机器人只是完成了一场很棒的表演。我们是如此脆弱，会把伪装的同情和共鸣，当作真的。在那位妇女沉溺于，机器人带给她的，伪装的同情的时候，我在想：“那个机器人不可能真正地同情。”它不用面对死亡，它也根本不懂人生。
11:40
看到这位从机器人的陪伴，中寻找安慰的妇女，我一点都不觉得这技术先进，我发现那是我这15年的工作里，最复杂，最纠结，最不是滋味的时刻。但是当我退一步来看，我感到自己就在，这场完美风暴，冰冷无情的中心。我们对于技术的期望越来越多，对彼此的期望却越来越少。我问自己：“为什么会这样呢？”
12:14
我相信，原因是技术，最吸引我们的地方，正是我们最脆弱的一方面。我们都很脆弱，我们很孤独，却又害怕亲密的关系。所以我们研发社交网站和“社会性机器人”这样的技术，使我们可以在不需要真正友情的情况下，体验被关心和陪伴的幻觉。我们借助技术找到和别人保持联系的感觉，并且可以舒服地控制这种联系。但是其实我们并没有这么舒服，也没能很好地控制。
12:48
如今，我们口袋中的手机，正在改变我们的想法和我们的心灵，缘于它们带来了三种，让人兴奋的错觉，一，我们可以把精力分配到，任何我们想关注的地方；二，总会有人倾听我们；三，我们永远都不用独自一人。这第三种“我们永远不用独处”的错觉，对于改变我们的心理状态是最关键的。因为当人们独处的时候，即使只有几秒钟，他们也会变得焦虑，恐慌，坐立难安，因而转向那些电子设备。想想在人们在排队的时候，等红灯的时候。独处像是变成了一个亟待解决的问题。所以人们试着用联系别人的方法解决它。但是这种联系，更像是一种症状而不是真正的治疗。它表达着我们的焦虑，却没有解决根本的问题。但是它又不仅仅是一种症状，频繁的联系改变着人们，对自己的理解。它催生了一种的新的生活方式。
13:54
对此最好描述是“我分享，故我在。”我们用技术来定义自己，分享我们的想法和感觉，甚至在我们刚刚产生这些想法的时候。所以以前，情况是，我有了一个想法，我想打电话告诉别人。现在，事情变成了，我想要有个想法，所以我需要发短信告诉别人。这种“我分享，故我在”的问题在于，如果我们跟别人断了联系，我们就感觉不再是自己了。我们几乎感觉不到自己的存在了。所以我们怎么办呢？我们的联系越来越多。但是与此同时，我们也把自己隔绝起来。
14:36
为什么联系会导致隔绝呢？原因是，没有培养独处的能力，一种可以与外界分离，集中自己的思想的能力。在独处中，你可以找到自己，这样你才能很好的转向别人，与他们形成真正的联系。当我们缺乏独处能力的时候，我们联系别人仅仅是为了减少焦虑感，或者为了感觉到自己还活着。这时候，我们并不真正地欣赏别人，而这好像是把他们当作，支撑我们脆弱的自我感的，备用零件。我们简单地认为总和别人保持联系，就能让我们不那么孤单。但是这是有风险的，因为事实恰好相反。如果我们不能够独处，我们会更加孤单。而如果我们不能教会我们的孩子独处，他们只能学会，如何体验孤独。
15:40
1996年我在TED演讲，报告我关于早期虚拟社区的研究时曾说：“那些对于网络世界，最为投入的人，是带着一种自我反省的精神上网的。”这也是我现在想要呼吁的，我们需要一些反思，更甚者是，展开对话，讨论我们目前对技术的应用，会将我们带向何方，会让我们失去什么。我们被技术（带来的错觉）迷住了，而且我们就像年轻的恋人一样，害怕说太多话会毁掉浪漫的气氛。但是是时候该交谈了。数字技术伴随我们长大，所以我们也认为技术已经很成熟。实则不然，它还在起步阶段。我们还有很多的时间，来反思我们应当如何应用它，如何发展它。我并不是说，我们应该抛弃我们的电子设备，我只是建议我们应当与电子设备，与别人，也与自己，建立更加有自我意识的关系。
16:45
我们可以从这些方面开始改变：，把独处，当做一件好事，为它留出空间。向你的孩子们说明，独处的价值。在家里开辟出专门的空间，例如厨房或者客厅，用于和家人交谈。在工作中也可以这样。我们在工作时总是忙于（浅层的）联系，以至于没有时间思考，也没有时间谈论，那些真正重要的事情。是时候改变了。最重要的是，我们真的需要聆听彼此，包括说的那些无聊的细节。因为正是在我们结巴，迟疑，找不到合适的词的时候，我们才向对方展现出真实的自我。
17:36
技术正在试图，重新定义人们的联系，例如我们怎样关心别人，和关心自己，但是它也给了我们机会来，确认我们的价值观，和发展方向。对此我很乐观。我们拥有做这种改变所需的一切。我们身边有彼此，而且我们有很大的几率成功，只要我们意识到我们的脆弱性，我们会轻信，技术能“将复杂的事情变简单”的这种脆弱性。
18:14
在我的工作中，我常常听到“生活很难”“人际关系充满风险”云云。然后技术出现了，更简单，充满希望，乐观而充满朝气。就像天降一位专家，解决所有烦恼。一个系列广告这样说：，在线使用虚拟形象（avartar），系统，你“最终就可以爱你的朋友，爱你自己，爱你的生活，如此简单。”我们被虚拟的爱情吸引，被电脑游戏营造的奇幻世界吸引，也被“机器人将会变成我们，最好的伴侣”的想法所吸引。我们晚上泡在社交网站上，而不是和现实中的朋友去酒吧玩。
19:02
但是我们对于这些，网络替代品的幻想已经使我们失去了很多。如今，我们需要专注于找到，可以让科技，将我们带回，现实生活的方法，带回到我们的身体，我们的圈子，我们的社会，我们的政治，我们自己的星球。它们需要我们。让我们来关注和讨论，如何运用数字技术，那些我们梦想的神奇技术，来帮助我们回归这样的生活，充满爱的生活。
19:37
谢谢大家。
The End
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00:18
Just a moment ago, my daughter Rebecca texted me for good luck. Her text said, "Mom, you will rock." I love this. Getting that text was like getting a hug. And so there you have it. I embody the central paradox. I'm a woman who loves getting texts who's going to tell you that too many of them can be a problem.
00:51
Actually that reminder of my daughter brings me to the beginning of my story. 1996, when I gave my first TEDTalk, Rebecca was five years old and she was sitting right there in the front row. I had just written a book that celebrated our life on the internet and I was about to be on the cover of Wired magazine. In those heady days, we were experimenting with chat rooms and online virtual communities. We were exploring different aspects of ourselves. And then we unplugged. I was excited. And, as a psychologist, what excited me most was the idea that we would use what we learned in the virtual world about ourselves, about our identity, to live better lives in the real world.
01:45
Now fast-forward to 2012. I'm back here on the TED stage again. My daughter's 20. She's a college student. She sleeps with her cellphone, so do I. And I've just written a new book, but this time it's not one that will get me on the cover of Wired magazine. So what happened? I'm still excited by technology, but I believe, and I'm here to make the case, that we're letting it take us places that we don't want to go.
02:24
Over the past 15 years, I've studied technologies of mobile communication and I've interviewed hundreds and hundreds of people, young and old, about their plugged in lives. And what I've found is that our little devices, those little devices in our pockets, are so psychologically powerful that they don't only change what we do, they change who we are. Some of the things we do now with our devices are things that, only a few years ago, we would have found odd or disturbing, but they've quickly come to seem familiar, just how we do things.
03:06
So just to take some quick examples: People text or do email during corporate board meetings. They text and shop and go on Facebook during classes, during presentations, actually during all meetings. People talk to me about the important new skill of making eye contact while you're texting. (Laughter) People explain to me that it's hard, but that it can be done. Parents text and do email at breakfast and at dinner while their children complain about not having their parents' full attention. But then these same children deny each other their full attention. This is a recent shot of my daughter and her friends being together while not being together. And we even text at funerals. I study this. We remove ourselves from our grief or from our revery and we go into our phones.
04:11
Why does this matter? It matters to me because I think we're setting ourselves up for trouble -- trouble certainly in how we relate to each other, but also trouble in how we relate to ourselves and our capacity for self-reflection. We're getting used to a new way of being alone together. People want to be with each other, but also elsewhere -- connected to all the different places they want to be. People want to customize their lives. They want to go in and out of all the places they are because the thing that matters most to them is control over where they put their attention. So you want to go to that board meeting, but you only want to pay attention to the bits that interest you. And some people think that's a good thing. But you can end up hiding from each other, even as we're all constantly connected to each other.
05:11
A 50-year-old business man lamented to me that he feels he doesn't have colleagues anymore at work. When he goes to work, he doesn't stop by to talk to anybody, he doesn't call. And he says he doesn't want to interrupt his colleagues because, he says, "They're too busy on their email." But then he stops himself and he says, "You know, I'm not telling you the truth. I'm the one who doesn't want to be interrupted. I think I should want to, but actually I'd rather just do things on my Blackberry."
05:42
Across the generations, I see that people can't get enough of each other, if and only if they can have each other at a distance, in amounts they can control. I call it the Goldilocks effect: not too close, not too far, just right. But what might feel just right for that middle-aged executive can be a problem for an adolescent who needs to develop face-to-face relationships. An 18-year-old boy who uses texting for almost everything says to me wistfully, "Someday, someday, but certainly not now, I'd like to learn how to have a conversation."
06:29
When I ask people "What's wrong with having a conversation?" People say, "I'll tell you what's wrong with having a conversation. It takes place in real time and you can't control what you're going to say." So that's the bottom line. Texting, email, posting, all of these things let us present the self as we want to be. We get to edit, and that means we get to delete, and that means we get to retouch, the face, the voice, the flesh, the body -- not too little, not too much, just right.
07:12
Human relationships are rich and they're messy and they're demanding. And we clean them up with technology. And when we do, one of the things that can happen is that we sacrifice conversation for mere connection. We short-change ourselves. And over time, we seem to forget this, or we seem to stop caring.
07:39
I was caught off guard when Stephen Colbert asked me a profound question, a profound question. He said, "Don't all those little tweets, don't all those little sips of online communication, add up to one big gulp of real conversation?" My answer was no, they don't add up. Connecting in sips may work for gathering discrete bits of information, they may work for saying, "I'm thinking about you," or even for saying, "I love you," -- I mean, look at how I felt when I got that text from my daughter -- but they don't really work for learning about each other, for really coming to know and understand each other. And we use conversations with each other to learn how to have conversations with ourselves. So a flight from conversation can really matter because it can compromise our capacity for self-reflection. For kids growing up, that skill is the bedrock of development.
09:04
Over and over I hear, "I would rather text than talk." And what I'm seeing is that people get so used to being short-changed out of real conversation, so used to getting by with less, that they've become almost willing to dispense with people altogether. So for example, many people share with me this wish, that some day a more advanced version of Siri, the digital assistant on Apple's iPhone, will be more like a best friend, someone who will listen when others won't. I believe this wish reflects a painful truth that I've learned in the past 15 years. That feeling that no one is listening to me is very important in our relationships with technology. That's why it's so appealing to have a Facebook page or a Twitter feed -- so many automatic listeners. And the feeling that no one is listening to me make us want to spend time with machines that seem to care about us.
10:10
We're developing robots, they call them sociable robots, that are specifically designed to be companions -- to the elderly, to our children, to us. Have we so lost confidence that we will be there for each other? During my research I worked in nursing homes, and I brought in these sociable robots that were designed to give the elderly the feeling that they were understood. And one day I came in and a woman who had lost a child was talking to a robot in the shape of a baby seal. It seemed to be looking in her eyes. It seemed to be following the conversation. It comforted her. And many people found this amazing.
11:03
But that woman was trying to make sense of her life with a machine that had no experience of the arc of a human life. That robot put on a great show. And we're vulnerable. People experience pretend empathy as though it were the real thing. So during that moment when that woman was experiencing that pretend empathy, I was thinking, "That robot can't empathize. It doesn't face death. It doesn't know life."
11:40
And as that woman took comfort in her robot companion, I didn't find it amazing; I found it one of the most wrenching, complicated moments in my 15 years of work. But when I stepped back, I felt myself at the cold, hard center of a perfect storm. We expect more from technology and less from each other. And I ask myself, "Why have things come to this?"
12:14
And I believe it's because technology appeals to us most where we are most vulnerable. And we are vulnerable. We're lonely, but we're afraid of intimacy. And so from social networks to sociable robots, we're designing technologies that will give us the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. We turn to technology to help us feel connected in ways we can comfortably control. But we're not so comfortable. We are not so much in control.
12:48
These days, those phones in our pockets are changing our minds and hearts because they offer us three gratifying fantasies. One, that we can put our attention wherever we want it to be; two, that we will always be heard; and three, that we will never have to be alone. And that third idea, that we will never have to be alone, is central to changing our psyches. Because the moment that people are alone, even for a few seconds, they become anxious, they panic, they fidget, they reach for a device. Just think of people at a checkout line or at a red light. Being alone feels like a problem that needs to be solved. And so people try to solve it by connecting. But here, connection is more like a symptom than a cure. It expresses, but it doesn't solve, an underlying problem. But more than a symptom, constant connection is changing the way people think of themselves. It's shaping a new way of being.
13:54
The best way to describe it is, I share therefore I am. We use technology to define ourselves by sharing our thoughts and feelings even as we're having them. So before it was: I have a feeling, I want to make a call. Now it's: I want to have a feeling, I need to send a text. The problem with this new regime of "I share therefore I am" is that, if we don't have connection, we don't feel like ourselves. We almost don't feel ourselves. So what do we do? We connect more and more. But in the process, we set ourselves up to be isolated.
14:36
How do you get from connection to isolation? You end up isolated if you don't cultivate the capacity for solitude, the ability to be separate, to gather yourself. Solitude is where you find yourself so that you can reach out to other people and form real attachments. When we don't have the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious or in order to feel alive. When this happens, we're not able to appreciate who they are. It's as though we're using them as spare parts to support our fragile sense of self. We slip into thinking that always being connected is going to make us feel less alone. But we're at risk, because actually it's the opposite that's true. If we're not able to be alone, we're going to be more lonely. And if we don't teach our children to be alone, they're only going to know how to be lonely.
15:40
When I spoke at TED in 1996, reporting on my studies of the early virtual communities, I said, "Those who make the most of their lives on the screen come to it in a spirit of self-reflection." And that's what I'm calling for here, now: reflection and, more than that, a conversation about where our current use of technology may be taking us, what it might be costing us. We're smitten with technology. And we're afraid, like young lovers, that too much talking might spoil the romance. But it's time to talk. We grew up with digital technology and so we see it as all grown up. But it's not, it's early days. There's plenty of time for us to reconsider how we use it, how we build it. I'm not suggesting that we turn away from our devices, just that we develop a more self-aware relationship with them, with each other and with ourselves.
16:45
I see some first steps. Start thinking of solitude as a good thing. Make room for it. Find ways to demonstrate this as a value to your children. Create sacred spaces at home -- the kitchen, the dining room -- and reclaim them for conversation. Do the same thing at work. At work, we're so busy communicating that we often don't have time to think, we don't have time to talk, about the things that really matter. Change that. Most important, we all really need to listen to each other, including to the boring bits. Because it's when we stumble or hesitate or lose our words that we reveal ourselves to each other.
17:36
Technology is making a bid to redefine human connection -- how we care for each other, how we care for ourselves -- but it's also giving us the opportunity to affirm our values and our direction. I'm optimistic. We have everything we need to start. We have each other. And we have the greatest chance of success if we recognize our vulnerability. That we listen when technology says it will take something complicated and promises something simpler.
18:14
So in my work, I hear that life is hard, relationships are filled with risk. And then there's technology -- simpler, hopeful, optimistic, ever-young. It's like calling in the cavalry. An ad campaign promises that online and with avatars, you can "Finally, love your friends love your body, love your life, online and with avatars." We're drawn to virtual romance, to computer games that seem like worlds, to the idea that robots, robots, will someday be our true companions. We spend an evening on the social network instead of going to the pub with friends.
19:02
But our fantasies of substitution have cost us. Now we all need to focus on the many, many ways technology can lead us back to our real lives, our own bodies, our own communities, our own politics, our own planet. They need us. Let's talk about how we can use digital technology, the technology of our dreams, to make this life the life we can love.
19:37
Thank you.
The End
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