TED | 在战区做家长是怎样的体验呢？

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在战区做家长是怎样的体验呢

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Aala El-Khani

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社会 心理 TED 演讲

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当他们的家被战争摧毁时，父母如何保护他们的孩子，帮助他们重新获得安全感?在这次热情的演讲中，心理学家Aala El-Khani分享了她为受叙利亚内战影响的难民家庭提供支持和学习的工作。她问道:我们如何才能帮助这些慈爱的父母给他们的孩子最需要的温暖、安全的教育?

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00:12

世界范围内，超过15亿人正经历着武装冲突。结果就是，人们被迫逃离他们的国家，留下超过1500万难民。孩子，毋庸置疑，则是那些最无辜，最脆弱的受害人。但并非仅仅是来自那些显而易见的人身危害，而是来自战争对他们的家庭造成的常常无言的影响。战争经历使孩子们更易出现感情与行为发展方面的问题。孩子们，仅仅是凭借我们的想象，他们会感到担忧，被威胁和危险。但是也有好消息。孩子们所得到的来自家庭的照顾的品质相比他们所经历过的那些战争创伤对于他们的身心健康有更加显著的作用。所以，事实上，在冲突期间以及之后温暖、安全的父母养育是能够保护到孩子们的。

01:13

2011年，也就是我在曼彻斯特大学心理科学院读博的第一年。就像你们中的很多人那样，我在电视上目睹了叙利亚危机。我的家庭原本就来自叙利亚，再之前，以那种真正可怕的方式，我失去了一些家庭成员。我和我的家人一起，坐下来看电视。我们都看过那些景象：炸弹摧毁楼房，混乱，破坏，人们呼喊着，奔逃着。那些嘶声裂肺的喊叫，逃跑的人们，是最让我感触深刻的，特别是，那些面露惊恐的孩子们。我是两个年幼的，好奇心旺盛的孩子们的母亲。他们当时大概是五六岁的样子，在那样的年龄，他们通常喜欢问好多好多的问题，期待着真实的，具有说服力的答案。所以，我就开始思考，如果我要在战争区，难民营抚养我的孩子会是怎样的呢？我的孩子们会变得不一样吗？我的女儿那明亮的，带笑的眼睛会失去神采吗？我的儿子那放松的，无忧无虑的性情会变得胆怯而孤僻吗？我又该如何应对呢？我会变得不一样吗？

02:30

作为心理学家兼家长培训员，我们知道教导家长育儿的技巧对他们孩子的健康成长会有巨大的作用我们把这称为家长培训。而我提出的问题就是，家长培训项目对于仍处于战争区的，或是难民营的家庭是否会有用呢？我们是否能够带给他们建议与训练来帮助他们度过这些挣扎呢？所以说我就找到了我的博导，雷切尔･卡勒门教授，和她讲述了我想要运用学术技能帮助改变现实世界的想法。我并不是很确定具体想要做什么。她很认真的，耐心的聆听了，然后，让我感到十分高兴的是，她说，“如果你想要这样做，而且它确实对你意义重大的话，让我们一起做吧。让我们找找办法，看看是否能够让家长培训计划对那种背景下的家庭也起效用。”

03:23

所以说，在过去的五年当中，我和我的同事们--卡勒门教授和基姆･卡特莱特博士--一直在从事着寻找能帮助那些经历过战争或是背井离乡的家庭的方法。那么，想要知道如何帮助那些经历过冲突的家庭养育他们的孩子，第一步，当然很明显是去调查他们正在面对的问题，对吧？我的意思是，这应该是挺明确的。但是，我们想要去帮助的，常常是那些最脆弱的人群，而我们其实没有去询问他们。有多少次，我们就擅自假设我们确切知道什么东西能够帮助到他们，却不事先询问他们？

03:59

所以，我去了叙利亚和土耳其的难民营，我和那些家庭坐在一起，聆听他们的视角。聆听他们的育儿挑战，聆听他们的育儿困难，聆听他们寻求帮助的声音。有的时候会突然停下来，而我能做的就是牵住他们的手，加入他们无声的哭泣与祈祷当中。他们和我诉说他们的艰难挣扎，他们告诉我那些艰苦，严峻的难民营条件，这使得他们很难做任何事而只能将注意力放在像是收集干净水这样的可以做的杂事上。他们告诉我他们是如何目睹孩子们变得孤僻；那些伤感，压抑，愤怒，尿床，吮吸手指，害怕巨大的声响，对噩梦的恐惧--可怕，非常可怕的噩梦。这些家庭经历了那些我们在电视上看过的画面。这些母亲--她们中几乎一半的人，因为战争成为了寡妇，或者是根本不清楚她们的丈夫是死是活--描述了她们感觉自己在多么难过地接受一切。她们目睹着他们孩子们的改变，却对此无能为力。她们不知道该如何回答她们孩子们的提问。

05:09

我发现的难以置信般惊人的，鼓舞人心的事情是这些家庭居然这般积极的去支持他们的孩子们。尽管面临了这么多的挑战，他们仍然努力去帮助他们的孩子们。他们尝试从非政府组织的工作人员，从难民营教师那里，专业的医务人员，或是其他家长那里寻求帮助。我见过的，有一个妈妈，仅仅是在一个难民营里呆了四天，就曾两次试图为她八岁的，受到噩梦折磨的女儿寻求帮助。但可悲的是，这些尝试大多是无功而返。难民营的那些医生，要是有医生的话，总是要么太忙，要么没有基本育儿帮助的相关知识或时间。难民营的教师或是其他家长，也跟那些医生一样--成为新难民营的一部分，为新的需求而奋斗。

06:03

这时我们就会开始思考。我们应该如何帮助这些家庭呢？这些家庭正与远超过自身应对能力的事情做斗争。叙利亚危机已经让我们看清楚想要从个体层面去帮助这些家庭是多么不可思议般的不切实际。那我们又能如何帮助他们呢？我们应该如何在这些极度恐怖的时期对整个群体，以低成本方式去帮助这些家庭呢？

06:32

在与非政府组织工作人员数小时的谈话之后，有一个人提出了一个神奇的，新颖的观点那就是通过面包包装袋来宣传育儿信息页--就是那些在叙利亚战区由人道主义工作人员发放给家庭的面包包装袋。那就是我们所做的。那些面包包装袋的外表一点儿也没有改变，除了增加了额外的两页纸。其中一页是一张育儿信息宣传页，包括了一些基本的建议与信息，普式化的阐述了家长们可能正在经历的，以及孩子们可能正在经历的东西。一些关于他们应该如何帮助他们自己和孩子们的信息，比如花些时间和孩子们交流，向他们展现更多爱意，对孩子们更加有耐心，多和孩子们沟通。另外一张纸则是一个反馈调查问卷，当然，还有一支笔。所以这仅仅是宣传页发放吗？或者是实际的提供心理救急，带来温暖的，安全的，充满爱意的育儿方式的一种可能的手段呢？

07:36

我们做到了在一周之内就发放了3000份这样的宣传页。令人感到不可思议的是，我们竟然得到了60%的反馈率。3000个家庭中，有六成的家庭回复了。我不知道今天在座的有多少研究人员，但是这样的反馈率可以说是惊人的。如果能够在曼彻斯特得到那样的反馈率就已经是一个伟大的成就了，更别说是在叙利亚的武装冲突区域--这足以证明那样的信息对于那些家庭来说是多么的重要我还记得等待回收调查问卷时那种激动的，渴望的心情。这些家庭留下了数以百计的信息--大多数都是非常正面的，鼓励性的。但是我最喜欢的还是，“感谢你们没有忘记我们和我们的孩子们。”这件事指明了把心理救助送到这些家庭并收到他们的反馈的可能的途径。想象一下通过其他途径复制这一做法，比如分发婴儿奶粉或是女士卫生巾包又甚至是食品篮。

08:39

但是让我们把这件事带进我们自身的生活因为难民危机事实上正影响着我们每一个人。我们每天都被这些数据，照片的图像轰击着，这一点儿也不惊奇，因为截止到上个月，超过100万的难民已经到达欧洲。100万。难民们正加入我们的社区，他们成为我们的邻居，他们的孩子正在我们孩子们的学校上学。所以我们修改了传单，以满足欧洲难民群体的需求，我们把这些信息放在网上，开放阅览，放置在那些有着极高难民潮的地区。举个例子，瑞典医疗保健将文件上传到了他们的网站上，在头45分钟里，文件就被下载了343次--这也说明了让志愿者，医师从业人员和其他家长能够开放阅览这些心理急救文件的重要性。

09:34

2013年，我坐在冰冷的，坚硬的难民营帐篷的地上，母亲们围绕着我而坐，我在举行焦点小组活动。在我对面站着一个上了年纪的妇女，她的身别躺着一个看起来13岁大的女孩儿，她的头依偎在那个妇女的膝盖上。那个女孩儿在整个焦点小组过程中都保持沉默，什么话也没说，她的膝盖蜷缩在她的胸前。直到焦点小组活动尾声，正当我感谢参与的母亲们的时候，那个妇女边看着我，边指着那个年轻的女孩儿，她对我说，“你能够帮帮我们，吗？”虽然不是很清楚她希望我去做些什么，我看着那个年轻的女孩儿，微笑着用阿拉伯语说，"Salaamalaikum.Shu-ismak?"“你叫什么名字？”她看着我，十分困惑，游离，然后她说，“Halul"。Halul是宠物的名字，阿拉伯女名是Hala，Halul真的只能用于称呼年纪非常小的女孩儿。那时我突然意识到，Hala可能远不止13岁。结果表明，Hala是一个25岁的，三个孩子的妈妈了。Hala曾经是一个自信的，阳光的，活泼的，充满爱意的，对孩子十分慈爱的母亲，但是战争改变了这所有的一切。她幸免于在她家乡投下的炸弹；她在爆炸中存活了下来。当战斗机驶过他们的楼房，投射炸弹，她的孩子们会被那种噪声吓到，惊恐地尖叫。Hala就疯狂的抓取枕头，捂住孩子们的耳朵隔离那些噪音，尽管自己在惊叫着。当她们到达了难民营，她知道他们终于得到了一定程度上的安全，她变得完全逃离现实，行为像她自己童年时一样。她完全排斥了她的家庭--她的孩子，她的丈夫。Hala仅仅是无法再面对这一切了。

11:32

这是一个有着艰难结局的育儿斗争的例子，但是不幸的是，这种情况并不罕见。那些经历了武装冲突和移民的人们一定会面对严峻的情感斗争。而这也都与我们息息相关。如果你的人生中曾经有过这样毁灭性的时刻，如果你曾经失去过你真正关心的人或事情的话，你又会如何继续应对呢？你还能够照顾好自己和你的家人吗？

12:03

考虑到孩子生命中的最初几年，对于身心健康是至关重要的，而那15亿人正经历着武装冲突--他们中的很多正加入到我们的社区当中--我们不能对那些正经历着战争，背井离乡的人们的需求熟视无睹。我们必须优先考虑这些家庭的需求--无论是在国内流离失所的人，还是世界范围内的难民。这些需求必须被非政府组织工作人员，政策制定者们，世界卫生组织，联合国难民署，还有我们每一个人无论我们在社会中扮演着怎样的角色，我们要将这些需求优先化。

12:47

当我们开始意识到这些冲突当中的个人存在，当我们开始注意到他们脸上那些复杂的神情，我们也将他们当作人民对待，我们就开始理解这些家庭的诉求，这些都是人类所真正需要的。当这些家庭的需求被优先对待，对于孩子的人道主义干预将被优先化人们将认识到家庭在抚养孩子问题上的根基地位。家庭精神健康问题将会在世界范围内，国际日程表中，被大声的，清晰的喊叫出来。那些孩子就减少了在移民国家进入社会福利系统的几率，因为他们的父母在更早的时候就得到了支持。我们将会变得更加开放，更加欢迎，更加关怀，更加信任那些加入我们社区的人们。

13:41

我们要停止战争。我们要去建造这样一个世界，那里的孩子们会梦想飞机投下礼物而非炸弹。直到我们结束世界范围内的武装冲突之前，家庭还会继续流离，继续使孩子们脆弱。但是通过加强父母育儿和照料者的支持，我们还是有可能去减弱在孩子和家庭中发生的战争与心理创伤之间的关联性的。

14:10

谢谢。

The End

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00:12

Worldwide, over 1.5 billion people experience armed conflict. In response, people are forced to flee their country, leaving over 15 million refugees. Children, without a doubt, are the most innocent and vulnerable victims ... but not just from the obvious physical dangers, but from the often unspoken effects that wars have on their families. The experiences of war leave children at a real high risk for the development of emotional and behavioral problems. Children, as we can only imagine, will feel worried, threatened and at risk. But there is good news. The quality of care that children receive in their families can have a more significant effect on their well-being than from the actual experiences of war that they have been exposed to. So actually, children can be protected by warm, secure parenting during and after conflict. 

01:13

In 2011, I was a first-year PhD student in the University of Manchester School of Psychological Sciences. Like many of you here, I watched the crisis in Syria unfold in front of me on the TV. My family is originally from Syria, and very early on, I lost several family members in really horrifying ways. I'd sit and I'd gather with my family and watch the TV. We've all seen those scenes: bombs destroying buildings, chaos, destruction and people screaming and running. It was always the people screaming and running that really got me the most, especially those terrified-looking children. I was a mother to two young, typically inquisitive children. They were five and six then, at an age where they typically asked lots and lots of questions, and expected real, convincing answers. So, I began to wonder what it might be like to parent my children in a war zone and a refugee camp. Would my children change? Would my daughter's bright, happy eyes lose their shine? Would my son's really relaxed and carefree nature become fearful and withdrawn? How would I cope? Would I change? 

02:30

As psychologists and parent trainers, we know that arming parents with skills in caring for their children can have a huge effect on their well-being, and we call this parent training. The question I had was, could parent training programs be useful for families while they were still in war zones or refugee camps? Could we reach them with advice or training that would help them through these struggles? So I approached my PhD supervisor, Professor Rachel Calam, with the idea of using my academic skills to make some change in the real world. I wasn't quite sure what exactly I wanted to do. She listened carefully and patiently, and then to my joy she said, "If that's what you want to do, and it means so much to you, then let's do it. Let's find ways to see if parent programs can be useful for families in these contexts." 

03:23

So for the past five years, myself and my colleagues -- Prof. Calam and Dr. Kim Cartwright -- have been working on ways to support families that have experienced war and displacement. Now, to know how to help families that have been through conflict support their children, the first step must obviously be to ask them what they're struggling with, right? I mean, it seems obvious. But it's often those that are the most vulnerable, that we're trying to support, that we actually don't ask. How many times have we just assumed we know exactly the right thing that's going to help someone or something without actually asking them first? 

03:59

So I travelled to refugee camps in Syria and in Turkey, and I sat with families, and I listened. I listened to their parenting challenges, I listened to their parenting struggles and I listened to their call for help. And sometimes that was just paused, as all I could do was hold hands with them and just join them in silent crying and prayer. They told me about their struggles, they told me about the rough, harsh refugee camp conditions that made it hard to focus on anything but practical chores like collecting clean water. They told me how they watched their children withdraw; the sadness, depression, anger, bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, fear of loud noises, fear of nightmares -- terrifying, terrifying nightmares. These families had been through what we had been watching on the TV. The mothers -- almost half of them were now widows of war, or didn't even know if their husbands were dead or alive -- described how they felt they were coping so badly. They watched their children change and they had no idea how to help them. They didn't know how to answer their children's questions. 

05:09

What I found incredibly astonishing and so motivational was that these families were so motivated to support their children. Despite all these challenges they faced, they were trying to help their children. They were making attempts at seeking support from NGO workers, from refugee camp teachers, professional medics, other parents. One mother I met had only been in a camp for four days, and had already made two attempts at seeking support for her eight-year-old daughter who was having terrifying nightmares. But sadly, these attempts are almost always useless. Refugee camp doctors, when available, are almost always too busy, or don't have the knowledge or the time for basic parenting supports. Refugee camp teachers and other parents are just like them -- part of a new refugee community who's struggling with new needs. 

06:03

So then we began to think. How could we help these families? The families were struggling with things much bigger than they could cope with. The Syrian crisis made it clear how incredibly impossible it would be to reach families on an individual level. How else could we help them? How would we reach families at a population level and low costs in these terrifying, terrifying times? 

06:32

After hours of speaking to NGO workers, one suggested a fantastic innovative idea of distributing parenting information leaflets via bread wrappers -- bread wrappers that were being delivered to families in a conflict zone in Syria by humanitarian workers. So that's what we did. The bread wrappers haven't changed at all in their appearance, except for the addition of two pieces of paper. One was a parenting information leaflet that had basic advice and information that normalized to the parent what they might be experiencing, and what their child might be experiencing. And information on how they could support themselves and their children, such as information like spending time talking to your child, showing them more affection, being more patient with your child, talking to your children. The other piece of paper was a feedback questionnaire, and of course, there was a pen. So is this simply leaflet distribution, or is this actually a possible means of delivering psychological first aid that provides warm, secure, loving parenting? 

07:36

We managed to distribute 3,000 of these in just one week. What was incredible was we had a 60 percent response rate. 60 percent of the 3,000 families responded. I don't know how many researchers we have here today, but that kind of response rate is fantastic. To have that in Manchester would be a huge achievement, let alone in a conflict zone in Syria -- really highlighting how important these kinds of messages were to families. I remember how excited and eager we were for the return of the questionnaires. The families had left hundreds of messages -- most incredibly positive and encouraging. But my favorite has got to be, "Thank you for not forgetting about us and our children." This really illustrates the potential means of the delivery of psychological first aid to families, and the return of feedback, too. Just imagine replicating this using other means such as baby milk distribution, or female hygiene kits, or even food baskets. 

08:40

But let's bring this closer to home, because the refugee crisis is one that is having an effect on every single one of us. We're bombarded with images daily of statistics and of photos, and that's not surprising, because by last month, over one million refugees had reached Europe. One million. Refugees are joining our communities, they're becoming our neighbors, their children are attending our children's schools. So we've adapted the leaflet to meet the needs of European refugees, and we have them online, open-access, in areas with a really high refugee influx. For example, the Swedish healthcare uploaded it onto their website, and within the first 45 minutes, it was downloaded 343 times -- really highlighting how important it is for volunteers, practitioners and other parents to have open-access, psychological first-aid messages. 

09:35

In 2013, I was sitting on the cold, hard floor of a refugee camp tent with mothers sitting around me as I was conducting a focus group. Across from me stood an elderly lady with what seemed to be a 13-year-old girl lying beside her, with her head on the elderly lady's knees. The girl stayed quiet throughout the focus group, not talking at all, with her knees curled up against her chest. Towards the end of the focus group, and as I was thanking the mothers for their time, the elderly lady looked at me while pointing at the young girl, and said to me, "Can you help us with...?" Not quite sure what she expected me to do, I looked at the young girl and smiled, and in Arabic I said, "Salaam alaikum. Shu-ismak?" "What's your name?" She looked at me really confused and unengaged, but then said, "Halul." Halul is the pet's name for the Arabic female name, Hala, and is only really used to refer to really young girls. At that point I realized that actually Hala was probably much older than 13. It turns out Hala was a 25-year-old mother to three young children. Hala had been a confident, bright, bubbly, loving, caring mother to her children, but the war had changed all of that. She had lived through bombs being dropped in her town; she had lived through explosions. When fighter jets were flying around their building, dropping bombs, her children would be screaming, terrified from the noise. Hala would frantically grab pillows and cover her children's ears to block out the noise, all the while screaming herself. When they reached the refugee camp and she knew they were finally in some kind of safety, she completely withdrew to acting like her old childhood self. She completely rejected her family -- her children, her husband. Hala simply could no longer cope. 

11:32

This is a parenting struggle with a really tough ending, but sadly, it's not uncommon. Those who experience armed conflict and displacement will face serious emotional struggles. And that's something we can all relate to. If you have been through a devastating time in your life, if you have lost someone or something you really care about, how would you continue to cope? Could you still be able to care for yourself and for your family? 

12:03

Given that the first years of a child's life are crucial for healthy physical and emotional development, and that 1.5 billion people are experiencing armed conflict -- many of whom are now joining our communities -- we cannot afford to turn a blind eye to the needs of those who are experiencing war and displacement. We must prioritize these families' needs -- both those who are internally displaced, and those who are refugees worldwide. These needs must be prioritized by NGO workers, policy makers, the WHO, the UNHCR and every single one of us in whatever capacity it is that we function in our society. 

12:47

When we begin to recognize the individual faces of the conflict, when we begin to notice those intricate emotions on their faces, we begin to see them as humans, too. We begin to see the needs of these families, and these are the real human needs. When these family needs are prioritized, interventions for children in humanitarian settings will prioritize and recognize the primary role of the family in supporting children. Family mental health will be shouting loud and clear in global, international agenda. And children will be less likely to enter social service systems in resettlement countries because their families would have had support earlier on. And we will be more open-minded, more welcoming, more caring and more trusting to those who are joining our communities. 

13:41

We need to stop wars. We need to build a world where children can dream of planes dropping gifts, and not bombs. Until we stop armed conflicts raging throughout the world, families will continue to be displaced, leaving children vulnerable. But by improving parenting and caregiver support, it may be possible to weaken the links between war and psychological difficulties in children and their families. 

14:10

Thank you. 

The End

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