TED | 不健康之爱的5个特征，在情感关系中的虐待很常见

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健康和不健康的爱的区别

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Katie Hood

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社会 技能 TED 演讲

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在谈论理解和实践健康关系的艺术，凯蒂揭示了五迹象表明你可能会在一个不健康的关系，恋人，朋友，家庭成员和股票的事情你可以做每天爱与尊重，善良和快乐。她说：“虽然爱是一种本能和情感，但更好地去爱的能力是一种我们都可以培养和提高的技能。”

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00:12

当你想到一个小孩子、一位密友或者伴侣时，脑海中很可能会跳出“爱”这个词，然后其它的情绪也会立马出现：比如欢乐和希望，兴奋、信任以及安全感，并且有时还会有悲伤和失望。字典里可能没有一个词比爱更能说明人与人之间的紧密联系了。

00:37

考虑到它在我们生活中的核心地位，有意思的是，我们竟然从来没有被明确地教过如何去爱。我们从交朋友开始，然后确定恋爱关系，最后结婚生子，将小孩从医院带回家。对这一切都是怀着能顺利搞定的期望。但事实却是，我们经常伤害或不尊重所爱之人。可能是一些很小的事情，比如说让朋友感到内疚然后花时间陪你，或者偷看伴侣的短信，以及因为孩子在学校不够努力而羞辱他。我们百分之百会接收到不健康关系的行为，并且我们也百分之百会做一些不健康的事。这是人性的一部分。

01:20

最糟糕的情况是，我们跟所爱之人的冲突所导致的伤害会演变成辱骂和暴力，而家暴，是三分之一的女性和四分之一的男性一生中都会经历的。如果你跟大多数人一样，听到上述情况时。

01:35

你会说“哦，不不不，这永远不会发生在我身上。”我们会出于本能地逃避“虐待”和“暴力”这些字眼，觉得它们只会发生在其他地方的其它人身上。但事实是，不健康的关系以及虐待就在我们身边。我们只是将它们换了个说法并忽略了它们之间的联系。虐待伪装成了不健康的爱偷偷地发生在我们身上。

01:59

我在一个叫做“唯爱"的组织工作，它由一个家庭成立，这个家庭的女儿亚德利被前男友杀害。这是一个没有人可以预见到的悲剧，但是回过头来看，他们意识到之前就存在蛛丝马迹，只是当时没人看出来。这些被称为疯狂或者戏剧或酗酒的行为，他行为的真正含义并没有真的被理解，而这些都是非常清晰的危险信号。

02:25

她的家人意识到，如果之前有人被教育过如何识别这些信号，她的死亡是可以避免的。所以今天我们的任务是确保其他人都能获得亚德利和她朋友之前不了解的信息。我们有三个主要的目标：给予我们一种语言去谈论一个非常尴尬并且会引起不适的话题；给朋友权力去帮助你；并在这个过程中，提高我们爱的能力。

02:55

为了做到这些，很重要的一点是从阐明那些我们经常会错过的不健康信号开始，而我们的工作就是专注于创造内容，来和年轻人对话。正如你所料，这个主题的大多数谈话内容都非常严肃，鉴于目前的主题，但今天我打算用一种轻松愉快，同时也是发人深思的方式，即“对偶”，来阐明不健康的爱的五种标志。第一个是紧张。（视频）蓝：几天不见，非常想你。橘：我也想你。（#这是爱）蓝：五分钟不见，感觉像一生那么漫长。我不在的这五分钟里你做了什么呢？橘：才三分钟好吧。（#这不是爱）凯蒂·胡德：有人意识到了吗？虐待关系并不是从虐待开始的。它们是从激动和兴奋开始的。这是一种强烈的情感和情绪，一种冲动。感觉非常美好。你觉得自己如此的幸运，像中了大奖。但在不健康的爱中，这些感觉会随着时间的推移而改变，从兴奋到压仰，甚至可能还有点窒息。你的直觉能感受到。这可能是你新交的男朋友或女朋友，在你没准备好时就说“我爱你”，或开始无处不在，不停发信息、打电话给你时。也可能是他们对你的不及时回复感到不耐烦，尽管他们也知道你还有其它的事情要做时。重点是记住：一段感情如何开始不重要，重要的是如何发展。重要的是，在一段新关系的早期，我们应该关注自己的情绪。你对这种亲近的速度感到舒适吗？你觉得自己还有喘息的空间吗？同样重要的是，学会表达自己的需求。你的请求被尊重了吗？第二个标志是孤立。（视频）橘2：一起出去玩吧？橘1：星期一是我和男朋友约会的日子。橘2：一起出去玩吧？橘1：星期一是我和男朋友约会的日子。橘2：那明天呢？橘1：星期二是我们的打盹日。橘2：那星期三？橘1：那是我们的独处日。凯蒂：如果你问我，我会说孤立是最常被忽视和误解的不健康爱的信号之一。为什么这么说呢？因为每一段新感情总是从强烈想要花时间待在一起开始的，我们很容易忽视事物的变化。孤立就悄然发生在当你的新男朋友或女朋友开始拉着你脱离你的家人和朋友，你的支撑体系，并将你牢牢地拴在身边时。他们可能会这样说，“为什么要跟他们出去玩？他们只是一群失败者。”他指的是你最好的朋友。或者“他们想拆散我们，他们完全反对我们。”他指的是你的家人。孤立就是在你的前感情生活中对每个人播下怀疑的种子。健康的爱也包括独立，两个人喜欢花时间在一起，但也会继续跟之前关心的人和活动保持联系。刚开始的时候你们可能每分每秒都在一起，但随着时间的推移，保持独立成了关键。你可以和朋友们一起规划并坚持执行，并且鼓励你的伴侣也这样做。不健康的爱的第三个标志是极度嫉妒。（视频）蓝2:你为什么这么高兴？蓝1：她在Instagram上关注了我！蓝2：你为什么这么紧张？蓝1:她，她开始关注我了，像是，无处不在。（#这不是爱）凯蒂：随着蜜月期的消退，极度的嫉妒悄悄的滋生。你的伴侣的要求可能会越来越多，随时想要知道你在哪以及和谁在一起，或他们可能到处跟踪你，线上以及线下。极度的嫉妒还会导致占有欲和不信任，频繁指责对方跟他人调情或不忠，并且会拒绝听你跟他们说，没有什么好担心的，你只爱他们这些话。嫉妒是人类感情中的一部分，但是极度嫉妒就不同了。它处于威胁、绝望和愤怒的边缘。爱不应当如此。第四个标志是轻视。（视频）蓝：想出去玩吗？橘：我要学习。蓝：你肯定能得优，优秀的优。（这是爱）蓝：想出去玩吗？橘：我要学习。蓝：你肯定不及格，你就是个傻子。（#这不是爱）

07:20

凯蒂：是的，嗯。在不健康的爱中，语言被当作武器。本来应该是轻松愉快的谈话会变得尖酸刻薄和尴尬。也许你的伴侣是用一种伤人的方式开玩笑，或者通过讲故事和取笑你，拿你开涮，当你告诉他们你感觉到受伤时，他们会让你闭嘴并指责你反应过度。“你怎么这么敏感？有毛病吧，别逗了！”这些话使你哑口无言。事情很明显，你的伴侣应该支持你。他们的话语应该增强你的信心，而不是打压你。他们应该保守你的秘密并且忠于你。他们应该让你感觉到更多的信心，而不是自卑。最后，第五个标志：易变。（视频）橘1：如果分手我会很难过。橘2：我也会很难过。（#这是爱）橘1：如果我们分手了我会很郁闷。我会从这个台阶上跳下去。我会的！不要试着去阻止我！（#这不是爱）凯蒂：经常性的分分合合，情感大起大落：随着紧张程度的上升，易变性也增加。泪流满面，沮丧的争吵，随之而来的是情感上的伪装，充满仇恨和伤害的评论，比如，“你一文不值，我都不知道为什么跟你在一起！”然后很快是道歉并保证不再发生这样的事。到此为止，你已经习惯了这种过山车似的关系，你可能都没有意识到你的这段感情已经开始朝不健康和危险的趋势发展。我们可能很难识别不健康的爱和虐待之间的界限，但是公平地说，当越来越多的迹象开始出现在你的这段关系中时，你的这段关系不健康或者危险的概率就会越大。如果你的直觉告诉你该分手离开，这也是当我们的朋友陷入到不健康的关系时，我们经常给他们的建议，但这并不总是最好的选择。分手也有可能会引起暴力。如果你感到可能被虐待或已经被虐待，你就需要就如何安全地离开这段感情咨询专家的建议。

09:23

这些不仅仅跟浪漫的恋情有关，也不仅仅关于暴力。理解了不健康爱的信号能帮助你审视和理解生活中几乎所有的关系。你可能第一次明白为什么会对一段友谊失望，或者为什么每次跟某个家庭成员互动，都让你感到气馁和焦虑。你甚至可能开始注意到你的紧张和嫉妒是如何使你在工作中与同事发生矛盾的。理解是提升的第一步，你不可能使每一段不健康的关系变得健康——有些是你不得不放下的——但你可以每天做好自己的部分从而让关系变好。令人振奋的消息是：它并不是件多复杂的事。坦诚沟通、相互尊重，友善、耐心——这些东西我们每天都可以练习。练习一定会让你变得更好，但我不得不承认，它不会让你变得完美。我以此为生，每天都在思考和谈论健康的感情，但我还是会做不健康的事情。就在几天前我还想把我四个孩子赶出门，他们争吵、哭闹，并抱怨早餐不好吃，我完全崩溃了。下意识地带着愤怒的锋芒，我大喊道，“都给我闭嘴，照我说的做！你们糟糕透了！我要剥夺你们使用电子产品的时间和甜点以及其它任何能让你们享受生活的东西！”（笑声）有人那样做过吗？（掌声）易变、轻视。我的大儿子转过身看着我，说道，“老妈，这不是爱。”（笑声）有那么一分钟，因为他的叫板我真想宰了他。真的，相信我。但是之后我冷静下来开始思考，你知道吗，我其实觉得很骄傲。我骄傲于他有一种使我暂停愤怒的语言。

11:22

我想要我所有的小孩都明白。

11:25

别人对待他们的边界在哪，并且当别人越过这个边界时，他们应该提出来而不是默默的接受。长久以来，我们都将感情当作一个温柔的话题来对待，但人际关系技巧又是生活中最重要和最难去建立的事情之一。理解不健康的信号，能防止你掉进导致不健康的爱的兔子洞，但是理解和练习维护健康关系的艺术，能全方位地提升你生活的质量。我完全深信爱是直觉和情绪而更好去爱的能力，是一种我们都能随时间推移而学会和提高的技能。谢谢。

The End

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00:12

So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner, the word "love" probably comes to mind, and instantly other emotions rush in: joy and hope, excitement, trust and security, and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment. There might not be a word in the dictionary that more of us are connected to than love. 

00:37

Yet, given its central importance in our lives, isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love? We build friendships, navigate early romantic relationships, get married and bring babies home from the hospital with the expectation that we'll figure it out. But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love. It can be subtle things like guilting a friend into spending time with you or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school. 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationship behaviors and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things. It's part of being human. In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones shows up as abuse and violence, and relationship abuse is something that one in three women and one in four men will experience in their lifetime. Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats, you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me." It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence," to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else. But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us. We just call them different things and ignore the connection. Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love. 

01:59

I work for an organization called One Love started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. This was a tragedy no one saw coming, but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there just no one understood what they were seeing. Called crazy or drama or too much drinking, his actions weren't understood to be what they really were, which was clear signs of danger. Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs, her death could have been prevented. So today we're on a mission to make sure that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't. We have three main goals: give all of us a language for talking about a subject that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss; empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help; and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better. 

02:55

To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss, and our work really focuses on creating content to start conversations with young people. As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, given the subject at hand, but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted yet still thought-provoking pieces, "The Couplets," to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love. 

03:21

The first is intensity. 

03:24

(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you. 

03:27

Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove) 

03:29

Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime. What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes? 

03:35

Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove) 

03:38

Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do. Abusive relationships don't start out abusive. They start out exciting and exhilarating. There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush. It feels really good. You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot. But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating. You feel it in your gut. Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend says "I love you" faster than you were ready for or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot. Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond, even though they know you had other things going on that day. It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters, it's how it evolves. It's important in the early days of a new relationship to pay attention to how you're feeling. Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy? Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe? It's also really important to start practicing using your voice to talk about your own needs. Are your requests respected? 

04:45

A second marker is isolation. 

04:49

(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out? 

04:51

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday. 

04:54

Orange 2: Want to hang out? 

04:55

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday. 

04:58

Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day. 

05:01

Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day. 

05:04

KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love. Why? Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire to spend time together, it's easy to miss when something shifts. Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend starts pulling you away from your friends and family, your support system, and tethering you more tightly to them. They might say things like, "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers" about your best friends, or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us" about your family. Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt about everyone from your prerelationship life. Healthy love includes independence, two people who love spending time together but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before. While at first you might spend every waking minute together, over time maintaining independence is key. You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them and encouraging your partner to do the same. 

06:07

A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy. 

06:11

(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about? 

06:13

Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram! 

06:16

Blue 2: What are you so nervous about? 

06:18

Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere. 

06:22

(#thatsnotlove) 

06:26

KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade, extreme jealousy can creep in. Your partner might become more demanding, needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time, or they might start following you everywhere, online and off. Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust, frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating, and refusal to listen to you when you tell them they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them. Jealousy is a part of any human relationship, but extreme jealousy is different. There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it. Love shouldn't feel like this. 

07:04

A fourth marker is belittling. 

07:06

(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study. 

07:09

Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove) 

07:12

Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study. 

07:15

Blue: You'll get an F anyway, F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove) 

07:20

KH: Yeah, hmm. In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons. Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted turn mean and embarrassing. Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts, or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense. When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt, they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting. "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break." You are silenced by these words. It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back. Their words should build you up, not break you down. They should keep your secrets and be loyal. They should make you feel more confident, not less. 

08:02

Finally, a fifth marker: volatility. 

08:06

(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up. 

08:08

Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove) 

08:11

Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up. I'd throw myself off this step. I would! Don't try to stop me! 

08:17

(#thatsnotlove) 

08:21

KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows: as tension rises, so does volatility. Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups, hateful and hurtful comments like, "You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!" followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again. By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous your relationship has become. 

08:51

It can be really hard to see when unhealthy love turns towards abuse, but it's fair to say that the more of these markers your relationship might have, the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be. And if your instinct is to break up and leave, which is advice so many of us give our friends when they're in unhealthy relationships, that's not always the best advice. Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence. If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse, you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely. 

09:23

But it's not just about romantic relationships and it's not just about violence. Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life. For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship or why every interaction with a certain family member leaves you discouraged and anxious. You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy is causing problems with colleagues at work. Understanding is the first step to improving, and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy -- some you're going to have to leave behind -- you can do your part every day to do relationships better. And here's the exciting news: it's actually not rocket science. Open communication, mutual respect, kindness, patience -- we can practice these things every day. 

10:16

And while practice will definitely make you better, I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect. I do this for a living and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships, and still I do unhealthy things. Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast, I completely lost it. With an intentionally angry edge, I screamed, "Everybody just shut up and do what I say! You are the worst! I am going to take away screen time and dessert and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!" 

10:53

Anybody been there? 

10:57

Volatility, belittling. My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said, "Mom, that's not love." 

11:09

For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out. Trust me. But then I gathered myself and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud. I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause. I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be for how they're treated and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met versus just accepting it. For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic, when relationship skills are one of the most important and hard to build things in life. Not only can understanding unhealthy signs help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love, but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearly every aspect of your life. I'm completely convinced that while love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time. 

12:06

Thank you. 

The End

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