TED | 如何为自己放声说话

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如何为自己放声说话

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Adam Galinsky

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社会职场技能 TED 演讲

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说出来很难，即使你知道你应该这么做。在社会心理学家亚当•加林斯基(Adam Galinsky)的睿智指导下，学习如何树立自己的威信，驾驭棘手的社交场合，扩大个人权力。

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00:18

放大声音得说话并不简单。我直到整整一个月前，当我与妻子初为父母的时候才理解这个短语的真正用意。那是一个神奇的时刻。那是一个令人兴奋与激动的时刻，但是那也是可怕的，令人恐惧的时刻。当我们刚从医院回到家的时候，尤其令人恐惧我们并不确定我们刚出生的宝宝是否能从母乳中得到足够的养分。我们想打电话给我们的儿科医生，但是我们也不想给别人留下不好的第一印象，或者被当作是疯狂的，神经质的父母。所以我们很担心。但我们选择了等待。当我们第二天早上去见医生的时候，她立刻给宝宝开了配方，因为他脱水很严重。我们的儿子现在已经好了，我们的医生也让我们放心，可以随时联系她。但是在那个时刻，我应该大声说出来的，我却没做到。

01:15

但是有时我们也会在不该说话的时候放声大说，我是在10年多以前，当我让我的双胞胎兄弟失望的时候，学会的。我的双胞胎兄弟是一个纪录片摄影师，在他的早期作品中，有一部得到了分销公司的青睐。他很激动，也倾向于接受这份邀请。但是作为一名谈判研究员，我坚持要求他拒绝这份邀请，并帮助他起草了一份完美的合同。而那确实是完美的－完美的侮辱行为。那家公司感到被冒犯了，他们就真的撤回了他们的邀请，然后我兄弟就一无所有了。

01:53

我问过来自世界各地的人，关于大声说的两难问题：当他们可以断言的时候，当他们可以推动自身利益的时候，当他们可以表达观点的时候，当他们提出一个有抱负的要求的时候。

02:05

我听过大量的，各不相同的故事，但他们却共同编织了同一幅绣帷。我能在老板们犯错时纠正他们的错误吗？我能与老是踩到我脚趾的同事对质吗？我能质疑朋友讲的不合时宜的笑话吗？我能告诉我最爱的人我内心深处的不安全感吗？

02:27

通过这些经历，我开始认识到我们每个人都是有一个可接受行为范围的。有些时候，我们太强势了：我们给自己负压太大。那就是发生在我兄弟身上的事件所表明的。甚至提出一个建议，都是在他可接受行为范围之外的了但是有时，我们又太软弱了。就是我和我妻子所表现出来的。而这个可接受行为范围－当我们呆在范围内的时候，我们就会被奖励。当我们跨出范围圈的时候，我们就会受到不同形式的惩罚。我们被开除或贬低，甚至被排斥。我们失去加薪或晋升，或是一笔交易。

03:06

现在，我们需要明白的第一件事就是：我的域是什么？但关键问题是，我们的可接受范围并不固定；它实际上是高度动态的。它会随具体语境而放大或缩小。有一样东西在可接受范围大小这件事上起决定性作用，那就是你的实力。你的实力决定了你的可接受范围域。实力是指什么？实力是以各种形式呈现的。在谈判中，实力以其他解决方案的形式呈现。而我的兄弟没有其他选择；他的实力不够。公司就有很多的备用选择；他们的实力很强。有时是新到一个国家，例如移民，或是新加入一个组织，或是对什么事情没有经验，就像我和我妻子初为人父母。有的时候是在工作上，有人是老板，而另一些人是下属。有时是在情感上，一个人比另一个人投入更多。

04:00

重点是，当我们有强大的实力时，我们的可接受范围就会变得非常广。我们的行动就有了很大的余地。但是当我们实力不足时，我们的域就会缩小。我们行动就变得局限。问题是当我们的可接受范围缩小的时候，就会进入一种“弱势两难”的处境。当我们陷入“弱势两难”的处境时，我们不为自己说话，就会被忽视，当我们说出来的时候，又会被惩罚。

04:30

你们中的很多人都听过“双重约束”这个短语，并把它和另一样事物挂钩，就是性别。性别两难就是指当女性不发声，就会被忽视，但女性为自己说话，又会被惩罚的情况。关键是，女性有着与男性同样的为自己说话的需求但她们这样做会遇到更多的障碍。但是我在过去二十年里的研究中发现，这个看似是性别差异，其实并不是真正的性别两难困境，其实是弱势两难的问题。那些表面上看似是性别差异其实质只是实力差异伪装成的样子。很多时候，当我们看到一位男性和一位女性之间的差距时，或者男性与女性之间，我们就会想，“生理因素。两性在本质上就是不同的。”但是在一个又一个的研究当中，我找到了一个能更好解释很多案例中性别差距的原因那就是实力。所以把它称作弱势两难困境。处于弱势两难就意味着我们的可接受范围很窄我们实力不足。我们的可接受范围越窄，我们的弱势两难就越明显。

05:39

所以我们必须找到方法，扩大我们的可接受范围。在过去的几十年中，我和我的同事找到了两个重要的影响因素第一点：你在自己眼中是实力者。第二点：你在他人眼中是实力者。当感到自己实力强大，就会很自信，不会害怕；就能扩大自己的域。当他人把自己看作实力强大的人时，他们就给予了我更广的可接受范围。所以我们需要工具去扩大我们的可接受行为范围。我今天就要给你们一套工具。大声说是有风险的一件事，但是这些工具会降低大声说的风险。

06:20

我要给你们的第一个工具是在协商领域被发现的，是很重要的一个发现。平均来看，女性在谈判桌上，相比男性，更少的提出有野心的条件，并取得更差的结果。但是汉娜·赖利·鲍里斯和艾米丽·阿曼图拉发现在有一种情况下，女性和男性是同等的野心勃勃也能得到同等的结果。那就是当她们在为他人说话的时候。当她们在为他人说话时，她们就会发觉自己的可接受范围并在脑海中扩大它。她们变得更加自信。这就是我们经常说的“熊妈妈效应”。就像熊妈妈在维护自己的熊宝宝，当我们为他人声张的时候，我们就能发掘自己的声音。

07:06

但是有些时候，我们必须为自己放声说。我们应该怎么做呢？为自己讲话需要的最重要的工具就是一种叫做“换位思考”的东西。“换位思考”其实很简单：就仅仅是通过另一个人的眼睛看世界而已。这是我们扩大自身可接受范围的最重要的工具。当我站在你的立场，去想你真正想要什么的时候，你就更有可能给我，我真正想要的。

07:38

但是这有一个问题：“换位思考”是一件很难的事情。让我们做一点儿实验。我希望你们所有人都像这样，把手举起来，把手指竖起来，我希望你们在自己的额头上写一个大写的E越快越好。好吧，结果表明我们有两种不同的书写方法，这就是原本用来测试换位思考的实验。我要给你们展示两张人们在额头上写着E的图片－这是我以前的学生，艾丽卡·赫尓。你们在这里看到的，是正确的E。我这样画E，所以其他人就能把它认成E。这就是“换位思考”的E，因为它是别人眼中的E。但是这边的E则是“自我中心”的E。我们时常会以自我为中心。特别是在危机情况下更容易。

08:30

我希望和你们谈谈一次特别的危机。一个男人走进一家位于加利福尼亚州，沃森维尔市的银行。他说，“给我2000美金，要不我就炸了整个银行。”而银行经理没有给他钱。她退了一步。她尝试站在他的角度，她注意到了一件很重要的事情。他要求的是具体数额的钱。

08:53

所以她说，“为什么你需要2000美金？”

08:57

男人说，“如果不能立即拿到2000美金，我的朋友就要被驱逐出境了。“

09:02

然后经理说，“哦，那你不是要抢银行－你是需要贷款。”

09:08

“为什么不跟我回到办公室，我们就可以让你填好需要的文件。”

09:13

她的快速换位思考的能力解除了一个危机形势。当我们能够从他人的角度看问题时，我们就会变得有抱负，自信，但同时招人喜欢。

09:26

还有另一种能让我们既自信，又能招人喜欢的办法，那就是展现灵活性。现在，想象自己是一名汽车销售员，你要卖给别人一辆车。如果你能给他们两种选择，你更容易卖出车。比如选项A：两万四美金购车，五年免修。或是选项B：两万三美金购车，三年免修。我的研究显示了，当你给人们一些选择的余地时，他们会降低自我防范意识，他们更容易接受你的邀请。

09:59

这不仅仅只在销售人员这里有用；它在父母这里也有用。当我的侄女四岁的时候，她拒绝穿衣服，拒绝一切。但是后来嫂子想出了一个绝妙的主意。如果我给我的女儿一种选择呢？这件衣服或是那件？好吧，那件。这条裤子还是那条？好吧，那条。问题被出色的解决了。她很快穿好了衣服，没有任何抵抗。

10:22

当我在世界各地问这个问题，什么时候人们能够舒服地大声说出想法，排名第一的回答是：“当我能在观众中得到支持；当我有队友的时候。”所以我们希望有盟友支持自己。我们要如何做到这一点？好吧，一种方式是做一只熊妈妈。当我们为他人发声的时候，我们就扩大了我们自己的范围，也扩大了别人眼中的我们，我们同时也得到了强有力的盟友。

10:48

另一种得到盟友的方式，特别是身居高位的时候，就是寻求他人的建议。当我们向他人寻求建议时，他们就会因为我们重视他们而喜欢我们因为我们表现出了谦恭。这能够帮助我们解决另外一个两难的局面。那就是自我推销两难的情况。自我推销两难就是如果我们不宣传我们的成就，就没人会注意。如果我们宣传，我们就不讨喜。

11:18

但是如果我们就自己的成就征求意见，在他人眼中，我们就会变得能干且讨人喜欢。这真的很有用，甚至当你已经看穿这个策略时仍然有用我人生中有很多次，我已经预先被人提醒过有些实力不足的人被建议来找我咨询我希望你们在此注意三点：第一，我知道他们要来找我询问建议。第二，我也研究过的征求意见的战略性好处。第三，这仍然管用！我站在他们的角度，我在他们的诉求上花费更多的时间，我更加关注他们，因为他们向我寻求了帮助。

12:03

另一种情况下，我们也会有自信大声说，那就是当我们掌握了专业知识。专业知识带给我们可信度。当我们实力强大的时候，我们就已经拥有了可信度。我们只需要好的证据。而我们实力不足的时候，我们就没有可信度。我们就需要极佳的证据。

12:22

一种帮助我们被认作为专家的方式就是发掘我们的热情。我希望每个人都能在未来的几天当中，去见各自的朋友和他们说，“我希望你能够和我分享一件你抱有热情的事。“我在世界各地让人们做这件事，然后我询问他们，“当朋友们向你们描述他们的热情时你注意到了什么？“答案永远是相同的。“他们的眼睛变大了，变亮了。”“他们笑的很灿烂。”“他们用手不断的比划着－我必须要躲闪，因为他们的手都伸向了我。”“他们更快速的，用更高频的声调说话。”

12:59

“他们倾向我，好像要跟我讲什么秘密一样。”

13:02

然后，我就和他们说，“你们听他们讲述的时候，你是什么样的反应呢？”

13:07

他们说，“我的眼睛变亮了。我笑了。我也倾向了他们。”

13:12

当我们发掘自己的热情时，我们通过自己的眼睛，给予了自己大声说的勇气，但是我们也得到了他人的准许。发掘我们的热情，即使在我们软弱的时候也会起作用。无论是男性还是女性，工作时流泪都会受到惩罚。但是莉齐·沃尔夫发现当我们将强烈的感情处理为激情的时候，无论男性还是女性，就都不会因落泪而受到谴责。

13:45

我希望引用我已故的父亲的话来结束演讲这是他在我的双胞胎兄弟的婚礼上说的。这是我们的合影。我的父亲和我一样，都是心理学家，但是他真正热爱的，真正的热情在于电影，就像我的兄弟一样。所以，他就在我兄弟的婚礼上发表了一个演讲是关于我们在人类喜剧中所扮演的角色的。

14:07

然后他说，“你的触感越细腻，你越能更好地提高和丰富你的表演能力那些带入角色当中，努力提高演技的人，成长，改变，扩张自我。好好演，你们的生活就会很快乐的。”

14:25

我父亲的意思是，我们在这个世界上都有各自的可理解范围和角色。但他也讲出了这次演讲的精髓：这些角色和范围是在不断扩大和进化的。

14:41

当情景需要的时候，变成一只凶猛的熊妈妈，或是一个谦恭的咨询者。拥有极佳的证据和强大的盟友。成为一个热情的换位思考者。如果你能够运用这些工具－这些是在座的每一位都能够使用的工具－你们就能扩大你们的可接受行为范围，你们的生活就会很快乐的。

15:08

谢谢。

The End

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00:18

Speaking up is hard to do. I understood the true meaning of this phrase exactly one month ago, when my wife and I became new parents. It was an amazing moment. It was exhilarating and elating, but it was also scary and terrifying. And it got particularly terrifying when we got home from the hospital, and we were unsure whether our little baby boy was getting enough nutrients from breastfeeding. And we wanted to call our pediatrician, but we also didn't want to make a bad first impression or come across as a crazy, neurotic parent. So we worried. And we waited. When we got to the doctor's office the next day, she immediately gave him formula because he was pretty dehydrated. Our son is fine now, and our doctor has reassured us we can always contact her. But in that moment, I should've spoken up, but I didn't.

01:15

But sometimes we speak up when we shouldn't, and I learned that over 10 years ago when I let my twin brother down. My twin brother is a documentary filmmaker, and for one of his first films, he got an offer from a distribution company. He was excited, and he was inclined to accept the offer. But as a negotiations researcher, I insisted he make a counteroffer, and I helped him craft the perfect one. And it was perfect -- it was perfectly insulting. The company was so offended, they literally withdrew the offer and my brother was left with nothing.

01:53

And I've asked people all over the world about this dilemma of speaking up: when they can assert themselves, when they can push their interests, when they can express an opinion, when they can make an ambitious ask.

02:05

And the range of stories are varied and diverse, but they also make up a universal tapestry. Can I correct my boss when they make a mistake? Can I confront my coworker who keeps stepping on my toes? Can I challenge my friend's insensitive joke? Can I tell the person I love the most my deepest insecurities?

02:27

And through these experiences, I've come to recognize that each of us have something called a range of acceptable behavior. Now, sometimes we're too strong; we push ourselves too much. That's what happened with my brother. Even making an offer was outside his range of acceptable behavior. But sometimes we're too weak. That's what happened with my wife and I. And this range of acceptable behaviors -- when we stay within our range, we're rewarded. When we step outside that range, we get punished in a variety of ways. We get dismissed or demeaned or even ostracized. Or we lose that raise or that promotion or that deal.

03:06

Now, the first thing we need to know is: What is my range? But the key thing is, our range isn't fixed; it's actually pretty dynamic. It expands and it narrows based on the context. And there's one thing that determines that range more than anything else, and that's your power. Your power determines your range. What is power? Power comes in lots of forms. In negotiations, it comes in the form of alternatives. So my brother had no alternatives; he lacked power. The company had lots of alternatives; they had power. Sometimes it's being new to a country, like an immigrant, or new to an organization or new to an experience, like my wife and I as new parents. Sometimes it's at work, where someone's the boss and someone's the subordinate. Sometimes it's in relationships, where one person's more invested than the other person.

04:00

And the key thing is that when we have lots of power, our range is very wide. We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. But when we lack power, our range narrows. We have very little leeway. The problem is that when our range narrows, that produces something called the low-power double bind. The low-power double bind happens when, if we don't speak up, we go unnoticed, but if we do speak up, we get punished.

04:30

Now, many of you have heard the phrase the "double bind" and connected it with one thing, and that's gender. The gender double bind is women who don't speak up go unnoticed, and women who do speak up get punished. And the key thing is that women have the same need as men to speak up, but they have barriers to doing so. But what my research has shown over the last two decades is that what looks like a gender difference is not really a gender double bind, it's a really a low-power double bind. And what looks like a gender difference are really often just power differences in disguise. Oftentimes we see a difference between a man and a woman or men and women, and think, "Biological cause. There's something fundamentally different about the sexes." But in study after study, I've found that a better explanation for many sex differences is really power. And so it's the low-power double bind. And the low-power double bind means that we have a narrow range, and we lack power. We have a narrow range, and our double bind is very large.

05:39

So we need to find ways to expand our range. And over the last couple decades, my colleagues and I have found two things really matter. The first: you seem powerful in your own eyes. The second: you seem powerful in the eyes of others. When I feel powerful, I feel confident, not fearful; I expand my own range. When other people see me as powerful, they grant me a wider range. So we need tools to expand our range of acceptable behavior. And I'm going to give you a set of tools today. Speaking up is risky, but these tools will lower your risk of speaking up.

06:20

The first tool I'm going to give you got discovered in negotiations in an important finding. On average, women make less ambitious offers and get worse outcomes than men at the bargaining table. But Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah have discovered there's one situation where women get the same outcomes as men and are just as ambitious. That's when they advocate for others. When they advocate for others, they discover their own range and expand it in their own mind. They become more assertive. This is sometimes called "the mama bear effect." Like a mama bear defending her cubs, when we advocate for others, we can discover our own voice.

07:07

But sometimes, we have to advocate for ourselves. How do we do that? One of the most important tools we have to advocate for ourselves is something called perspective-taking. And perspective-taking is really simple: it's simply looking at the world through the eyes of another person. It's one of the most important tools we have to expand our range. When I take your perspective, and I think about what you really want, you're more likely to give me what I really want.

07:38

But here's the problem: perspective-taking is hard to do. So let's do a little experiment. I want you all to hold your hand just like this: your finger -- put it up. And I want you to draw a capital letter E on your forehead as quickly as possible. OK, it turns out that we can draw this E in one of two ways, and this was originally designed as a test of perspective-taking. I'm going to show you two pictures of someone with an E on their forehead -- my former student, Erika Hall. And you can see over here, that's the correct E. I drew the E so it looks like an E to another person. That's the perspective-taking E because it looks like an E from someone else's vantage point. But this E over here is the self-focused E. We often get self-focused. And we particularly get self-focused in a crisis.

08:31

I want to tell you about a particular crisis. A man walks into a bank in Watsonville, California. And he says, "Give me $2,000, or I'm blowing the whole bank up with a bomb." Now, the bank manager didn't give him the money. She took a step back. She took his perspective, and she noticed something really important. He asked for a specific amount of money.

08:53

So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?"

08:58

And he said, "My friend is going to be evicted unless I get him $2,000 immediately."

09:02

And she said, "Oh! You don't want to rob the bank -- you want to take out a loan."

09:08

"Why don't you come back to my office, and we can have you fill out the paperwork."

09:14

Now, her quick perspective-taking defused a volatile situation. So when we take someone's perspective, it allows us to be ambitious and assertive, but still be likable.

09:26

Here's another way to be assertive but still be likable, and that is to signal flexibility. Now, imagine you're a car salesperson, and you want to sell someone a car. You're going to more likely make the sale if you give them two options. Let's say option A: $24,000 for this car and a five-year warranty. Or option B: $23,000 and a three-year warranty. My research shows that when you give people a choice among options, it lowers their defenses, and they're more likely to accept your offer.

09:59

And this doesn't just work with salespeople; it works with parents. When my niece was four, she resisted getting dressed and rejected everything. But then my sister-in-law had a brilliant idea. What if I gave my daughter a choice? This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt. This pant or that pant? OK, that pant. And it worked brilliantly. She got dressed quickly and without resistance.

10:22

When I've asked the question around the world when people feel comfortable speaking up, the number one answer is: "When I have social support in my audience; when I have allies." So we want to get allies on our side. How do we do that? Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear. When we advocate for others, we expand our range in our own eyes and the eyes of others, but we also earn strong allies.

10:48

Another way we can earn strong allies, especially in high places, is by asking other people for advice. When we ask others for advice, they like us because we flatter them, and we're expressing humility. And this really works to solve another double bind. And that's the self-promotion double bind. The self-promotion double bind is that if we don't advertise our accomplishments, no one notices. And if we do, we're not likable.

11:18

But if we ask for advice about one of our accomplishments, we are able to be competent in their eyes but also be likeable. And this is so powerful it even works when you see it coming. There have been multiple times in life when I have been forewarned that a low-power person has been given the advice to come ask me for advice. I want you to notice three things about this: First, I knew they were going to come ask me for advice. Two, I've actually done research on the strategic benefits of asking for advice. And three, it still worked! I took their perspective, I became more invested in their cause, I became more committed to them because they asked for advice.

12:03

Now, another time we feel more confident speaking up is when we have expertise. Expertise gives us credibility. When we have high power, we already have credibility. We only need good evidence. When we lack power, we don't have the credibility. We need excellent evidence.

12:22

And one of the ways we can come across as an expert is by tapping into our passion. I want everyone in the next few days to go up to friend of theirs and just say to them, "I want you to describe a passion of yours to me." I've had people do this all over the world and I asked them, "What did you notice about the other person when they described their passion?" And the answers are always the same. "Their eyes lit up and got big." "They smiled a big beaming smile." "They used their hands all over -- I had to duck because their hands were coming at me." "They talk quickly with a little higher pitch."

13:00

"They leaned in as if telling me a secret."

13:02

And then I said to them, "What happened to you as you listened to their passion?"

13:07

They said, "My eyes lit up. I smiled. I leaned in."

13:12

When we tap into our passion, we give ourselves the courage, in our own eyes, to speak up, but we also get the permission from others to speak up. Tapping into our passion even works when we come across as too weak. Both men and women get punished at work when they shed tears. But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when we frame our strong emotions as passion, the condemnation of our crying disappears for both men and women.

13:45

I want to end with a few words from my late father that he spoke at my twin brother's wedding. Here's a picture of us. My dad was a psychologist like me, but his real love and his real passion was cinema, like my brother. And so he wrote a speech for my brother's wedding about the roles we play in the human comedy.

14:07

And he said, "The lighter your touch, the better you become at improving and enriching your performance. Those who embrace their roles and work to improve their performance grow, change and expand the self. Play it well, and your days will be mostly joyful."

14:25

What my dad was saying is that we've all been assigned ranges and roles in this world. But he was also saying the essence of this talk: those roles and ranges are constantly expanding and evolving.

14:41

So when a scene calls for it, be a ferocious mama bear and a humble advice seeker. Have excellent evidence and strong allies. Be a passionate perspective taker. And if you use those tools -- and each and every one of you can use these tools -- you will expand your range of acceptable behavior, and your days will be mostly joyful.

15:09

Thank you.

The End