TED | 一个抑郁喜剧演员的自白

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一个抑郁喜剧演员的自白

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Kevin Breel

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社会技能 TED 演讲

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凯文·布里尔(Kevin Breel)看上去并不像一个沮丧的孩子:他是球队队长，在每个派对上都是如此，风趣而自信。但他讲述了那天晚上的故事，他意识到——为了挽救自己的生命——他需要说四个简单的字。

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00:12

在我生命中非常长的一段时间内，我感觉我在过着两种不同的人生。一个是每个人都看见的人生，另一个是只有我能看见的人生。在每个人都能看见的人生里，我的角色是一个朋友、儿子、兄弟、喜剧演员和一名青少年。这是每个人都看到的人生。如果你要问我的朋友和家人来形容我，这是他们会告诉你的。这是很大一部分的我这是我在这社会上的角色如果你要我自己来形容我，我可能会说一些与上相同的东西。我不会说谎，但也不会完全会告诉你真相，因为事实是，这就是其他人看到的人生。另外一个人生只有我自己能看到我是谁我其实是一个与抑郁症激烈斗争的人。在生命中的近六年来我与抑郁症斗争也会在接下来的每一天内继续斗争。

01:20

对于从未经历过抑郁的人或不太知道这是什么意思的人，他们听到这些也许会感到诧异，因为在社会上有普遍的误解认为说抑郁症只是在当你生命中出了什么差错的时候会难过，当你和你的女朋友分手当你失去心爱的人，当你找不到理想的工作的时候。但这只是悲伤。这是一件很自然的事情。这是自然的人类情感。真正的抑郁不是当你生命中出了差错的时候悲伤。真正的抑郁是当你生活中的一切都好的时候悲伤。那才是真正的抑郁，而那才是我所遭受的。

01:55

坦诚说，出现在这里并且把它公之于众是一件很难的事。我很难去把它诉说，这似乎也很难让每个人去谈这一点，以至于没有人去谈它。没有人会去谈抑郁，但我们需要去谈论它因为现在它一个很大的问题。这是一个巨大的问题。但我们并没有看到它出现在媒体上，对吗？我们没有在Facebook上看到它我们也没有在Twitter上看到它。我们也没有在新闻上看到它，因为它不是快乐的，是不有趣的，也不是光明的。于是，正因为我们看不到它，所以我们没有意识到它的严重性。

02:26

然而它的确很严重：每隔30秒钟，每隔30秒，在某个地方，在这个世界上的某个人就在因为抑郁而自杀，它有可能是在两个街区之外，它也可能在两个国家之外，它可能是两个大洲之外，但它正在发生，而且每一天都在发生着。作为一个社会我们有一种趋势，看着这种情况会说，"那又怎样?"那又怎样？我们知道这个情况然后说，"这是你的问题。这是他们的问题。”我们说我们很难过，我们说我们感到很抱歉，但我们还说，"那又怎样?"

03:02

好吧，两年前，它是我的问题，因为我坐在我的床边曾坐过千百万次的床边想着要自杀。我有自杀倾向，但如果你从表面上看我的生活，你不会看到一个自杀倾向的孩子。你会看到一个篮球队队长、今年戏剧班的学生、今年学习英语的学生、一个经常出现在荣誉榜上的和一个经常出现在任何派对上的人。所以你会说我不是抑郁，你会说我不是自杀，但你就错了。你就错了。所以我那天晚上坐在床上旁边是一瓶药，我手上拿着纸笔我想着要终结自己的生命我差一点点就做了我差点就这样做了。

03:50

然而我没有所以我成为了幸运的一份子，一个人从边缘中走下来的人我从我的人生大楼向下看但并没有跳下去，我是幸运活下来的人之一。嗯，我活下来了，那让我跟我的故事并存，我的故事是：简单的四个字，患抑郁症。我患上抑郁症，在很长时间，我想，我在活着两个完全不同的人生，一个总是害怕别人的人。我害怕人们会看到我真实的样子，并不是一个每个人都认为我是的样子：高中的风光小孩，我其实并不完美在我的微笑下面是斗争，在我的光明下面是黑暗，在我的人格下藏着更深层次的痛苦。

04:36

比如有些人害怕喜欢的女生不喜欢他。有些人可能害怕鲨鱼。有些人可能会害怕死亡。但对我来说，我生命中的很大一部分是害怕我自己。我害怕真相，我害怕诚实，我害怕脆弱，这种恐惧让我感觉到就像我被被逼迫到一个角落里，就像我被逼到角落里，只有一个出路，于是，我每一天都这样想。我每一天都这样想，如果我完全诚实的站在这里我告诉你我有再次想过，因为这就是疾病，这就是斗争，那是抑郁，抑郁症不是水痘。你不是抗争一次过，它就永远离开了。它跟你相依为命。它是你生命里的东西。它是你不能踢出去的室友。它是你不能忽视的杂音。它是你不能逃脱的情感，最可怕的是过了一段时间，你变得麻木。它对于你来说已经很正常了，你真正最害怕的不是你内心的痛苦。这是在别人眼里的耻辱它是耻辱，是尴尬，它是朋友脸上不赞成的表情，它是走廊的低语，轻声说你太懦弱，它是你疯了的评语。这就是让你得不到帮助的原因。这就是让你它控制它和隐藏它的原因。因为这是一种耻辱。所以你控制它和隐藏它，你控制它个隐藏它，即使它让你每一天待在床上它让你的人生感到空虚无论你怎样努力地去填补它，你隐藏它，因为在我们的社会中有关抑郁症的耻辱感是非常真实的。它很真实，如果你认为它不是，问问你自己：你想让你的下一个Facebook状态是说你很难下床因为你背有伤还是你很难下床是因为你抑郁？这是耻辱，因为不幸的是，我们生活在一个如果你的胳膊伤了，大家都跑过去要在你的石膏上签名，但如果你告诉人们你抑郁，每个人跑向了另外一边。而这就是耻辱。我们是如此接受任何身体部位受损除了我们的大脑。这是一种无知。纯粹的无知，制造这种无知的是一个不了解抑郁症的世界不懂心理健康的世界。对于我来说这很讽刺，因为抑郁是我们这世界上最有迹可循的问题之一然而它是最少被讨论的话题之一。我们只是把它放到一边，放到角落里假装它不存在，并希望它就好了。

06:55

它不会、它没有、也不即将要，因为那只是一厢情愿，一厢情愿不是一个游戏计划，它是拖沓，而我们不能拖延这么重要的事情。解决任何问题的第一步是认识到这一问题的存在。我们还没能做到，所以我们不能期待当我们还在害怕问题的时候找到答案。

07:19

我不知道该解决方案是什么。我希望我知道，但我不知道但我认为，我认为它已经在这里开始。它和我一同开始，它与你一同开始，它与遭受过的人们一同开始，那些被隐藏在阴影中的人们。我们需要说出来打破沉默。我们需要成为那些为我们相信的事情而勇敢的人，因为如果有一件事是我认识到的，那就是，如果有一件事是我知道是最要紧的问题，它并不是创造一个我们消除他人的无知的世界。而是创造一个我们接受自己的世界，接受我们真实的自己，因为当我们诚实面对的时候，我们会看到我们所有的斗争和所有的苦难。无论是抑郁症，还是别的事情，我们都知道什么是痛苦的。我们都知道我们的心中有苦我们也知道去疗伤有多重要。但是现在，抑郁症是社会的伤口我们习惯于把创口贴贴上就假装它不存在。

08:17

而它是存在的。而且你知道么？它并没什么。抑郁症没什么。因为如果你克服了它，你就知道你没事。知道虽然你病了，但你并不脆弱，它是一个问题，不是一个身份标签，因为当你经历过你过去的恐惧和嘲笑别人对你的看法和耻辱，你就可以看到抑郁症真实的身份，它只是生活的一部分，只是生活的一部分，虽然我讨厌，就像我讨厌的一些地方，我生活的某一部分已经被抑郁症拖垮，但在很多方面上我是非常感激的。因为它是让我经历低谷，但只是为了向我证明有高峰，是的，它将我拉进了黑暗，但只是为了提醒我有光。我的痛苦，比我在生活的十九年的任何事都能给我看待事情的角度，而我的伤口让我有了希望有希望，有信念，对我自己的信念对其他人的新年，可以更好的信念，我们可以改变这一点，我们可以把它说出来说出来与对抗无知，反击不容忍，还有一件比什么都重要的是，那就是，学会爱自己，学会接受我们自己，我们不是别人想要我们成为的那个人。因为我相信在这个世界上拥抱光明并不意味着忽略黑暗。我相信的世界是一个我们被评判的标准是我们克服逆境的能力，不是逃避它们。我相信的世界是一个我可以看着某一个人的眼睛并说，"我正在过着地狱般的生活，"他们可以也看着我跟我说，“我也是”这是可以接受的，这没关系因为抑郁没什么。我们都是人。我们是人，我们斗争、我们遭受痛苦我们流血、我们哭，如果你认为真正的力量代表从未有任何弱点，那么我在这里要告诉你你错了。你错了，因为它是相反的。我们是人，我们会有问题。我们不是完美的，而这没什么。

10:15

所以我们需要停止无知，停止不容忍，停止蔑视，和停止沉默，我们需要打破禁忌，真视真相，并开始说话，因为唯一处理人们单独作战的问题就是坚强的站在一起，坚强的站在一起。

10:45

我相信我们可以。我相信我们可以。非常感谢。我的梦想成真了。谢谢。

The End

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00:12

For a long time in my life, I felt like I'd been living two different lives. There's the life that everyone sees, and then there's the life that only I see. And in the life that everyone sees, who I am is a friend, a son, a brother, a stand-up comedian and a teenager. That's the life everyone sees. If you were to ask my friends and family to describe me, that's what they would tell you. And that's a huge part of me. That is who I am. And if you were to ask me to describe myself, I'd probably say some of those same things. And I wouldn't be lying, but I wouldn't totally be telling you the truth, either, because the truth is, that's just the life everyone else sees. In the life that only I see, who I am, who I really am, is someone who struggles intensely with depression. I have for the last six years of my life, and I continue to every day.

01:20

Now, for someone who has never experienced depression or doesn't really know what that means, that might surprise them to hear, because there's this pretty popular misconception that depression is just being sad when something in your life goes wrong, when you break up with your girlfriend, when you lose a loved one, when you don't get the job you wanted. But that's sadness. That's a natural thing. That's a natural human emotion. Real depression isn't being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is being sad when everything in your life is going right. That's real depression, and that's what I suffer from.

01:55

And to be totally honest, that's hard for me to stand up here and say. It's hard for me to talk about, and it seems to be hard for everyone to talk about, so much so that no one's talking about it. And no one's talking about depression, but we need to be, because right now it's a massive problem. It's a massive problem. But we don't see it on social media, right? We don't see it on Facebook. We don't see it on Twitter. We don't see it on the news, because it's not happy, it's not fun, it's not light. And so because we don't see it, we don't see the severity of it.

02:26

But the severity of it and the seriousness of it is this: every 30 seconds, every 30 seconds, somewhere, someone in the world takes their own life because of depression, and it might be two blocks away, it might be two countries away, it might be two continents away, but it's happening, and it's happening every single day. And we have a tendency, as a society, to look at that and go, "So what?" So what? We look at that, and we go, "That's your problem. That's their problem." We say we're sad and we say we're sorry, but we also say, "So what?"

03:02

Well, two years ago it was my problem, because I sat on the edge of my bed where I'd sat a million times before and I was suicidal. I was suicidal, and if you were to look at my life on the surface, you wouldn't see a kid who was suicidal. You'd see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team, the drama and theater student of the year, the English student of the year, someone who was consistently on the honor roll and consistently at every party. So you would say I wasn't depressed, you would say I wasn't suicidal, but you would be wrong. You would be wrong. So I sat there that night beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand and I thought about taking my own life and I came this close to doing it. I came this close to doing it.

03:50

And I didn't, so that makes me one of the lucky ones, one of the people who gets to step out on the ledge and look down but not jump, one of the lucky ones who survives. Well, I survived, and that just leaves me with my story, and my story is this: In four simple words, I suffer from depression. I suffer from depression, and for a long time, I think, I was living two totally different lives, where one person was always afraid of the other. I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was, that I wasn't the perfect, popular kid in high school everyone thought I was, that beneath my smile, there was struggle, and beneath my light, there was dark, and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain.

04:36

See, some people might fear girls not liking them back. Some people might fear sharks. Some people might fear death. But for me, for a large part of my life, I feared myself. I feared my truth, I feared my honesty, I feared my vulnerability, and that fear made me feel like I was forced into a corner, like I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out, and so I thought about that way every single day. I thought about it every single day, and if I'm being totally honest, standing here I've thought about it again since, because that's the sickness, that's the struggle, that's depression, and depression isn't chicken pox. You don't beat it once and it's gone forever. It's something you live with. It's something you live in. It's the roommate you can't kick out. It's the voice you can't ignore. It's the feelings you can't seem to escape, the scariest part is that after a while, you become numb to it. It becomes normal for you, and what you really fear the most isn't the suffering inside of you. It's the stigma inside of others, it's the shame, it's the embarrassment, it's the disapproving look on a friend's face, it's the whispers in the hallway that you're weak, it's the comments that you're crazy. That's what keeps you from getting help. That's what makes you hold it in and hide it. It's the stigma. So you hold it in and you hide it, and you hold it in and you hide it, and even though it's keeping you in bed every day and it's making your life feel empty no matter how much you try and fill it, you hide it, because the stigma in our society around depression is very real. It's very real, and if you think that it isn't, ask yourself this: Would you rather make your next Facebook status say you're having a tough time getting out of bed because you hurt your back or you're having a tough time getting out of bed every morning because you're depressed? That's the stigma, because unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you're depressed, everyone runs the other way. That's the stigma. We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down other than our brains. And that's ignorance. That's pure ignorance, and that ignorance has created a world that doesn't understand depression, that doesn't understand mental health. And that's ironic to me, because depression is one of the best documented problems we have in the world, yet it's one of the least discussed. We just push it aside and put it in a corner and pretend it's not there and hope it'll fix itself.

06:55

Well, it won't. It hasn't, and it's not going to, because that's wishful thinking, and wishful thinking isn't a game plan, it's procrastination, and we can't procrastinate on something this important. The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. Well, we haven't done that, so we can't really expect to find an answer when we're still afraid of the question.

07:19

And I don't know what the solution is. I wish I did, but I don't -- but I think, I think it has to start here. It has to start with me, it has to start with you, it has to start with the people who are suffering, the ones who are hidden in the shadows. We need to speak up and shatter the silence. We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in, because if there's one thing that I've come to realize, if there's one thing that I see as the biggest problem, it's not in building a world where we eliminate the ignorance of others. It's in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves, where we're okay with who we are, because when we get honest, we see that we all struggle and we all suffer. Whether it's with this, whether it's with something else, we all know what it is to hurt. We all know what it is to have pain in our heart, and we all know how important it is to heal. But right now, depression is society's deep cut that we're content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend it's not there.

08:17

Well, it is there. It is there, and you know what? It's okay. Depression is okay. If you're going through it, know that you're okay. And know that you're sick, you're not weak, and it's an issue, not an identity, because when you get past the fear and the ridicule and the judgment and the stigma of others, you can see depression for what it really is, and that's just a part of life, just a part of life, and as much as I hate, as much as I hate some of the places, some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to, in a lot of ways I'm grateful for it. Because yeah, it's put me in the valleys, but only to show me there's peaks, and yeah it's dragged me through the dark but only to remind me there is light. My pain, more than anything in 19 years on this planet, has given me perspective, and my hurt, my hurt has forced me to have hope, have hope and to have faith, faith in myself, faith in others, faith that it can get better, that we can change this, that we can speak up and speak out and fight back against ignorance, fight back against intolerance, and more than anything, learn to love ourselves, learn to accept ourselves for who we are, the people we are, not the people the world wants us to be. Because the world I believe in is one where embracing your light doesn't mean ignoring your dark. The world I believe in is one where we're measured by our ability to overcome adversities, not avoid them. The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye and say, "I'm going through hell," and they can look back at me and go, "Me too," and that's okay, and it's okay because depression is okay. We're people. We're people, and we struggle and we suffer and we bleed and we cry, and if you think that true strength means never showing any weakness, then I'm here to tell you you're wrong. You're wrong, because it's the opposite. We're people, and we have problems. We're not perfect, and that's okay.

10:15

So we need to stop the ignorance, stop the intolerance, stop the stigma, and stop the silence, and we need to take away the taboos, take a look at the truth, and start talking, because the only way we're going to beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together, by standing strong together.

10:45

And I believe that we can. I believe that we can. Thank you guys so much. This is a dream come true. Thank you.

The End